Of all the movies that get mentioned on these boards (Riddick, Rocky, etc.) They Live is the only one I’ve watched.
What if I chose to say absolutely nothing at all?
Just got into Sacramento tonight. Left Redding the other night. Tried crank for the first time the night I left and cleared 12 miles easy in the space of 3 hours. Was rather unimpressed with the drug.
There’s not too many places for the homeless to sleep in Sacramento. Ran smack dab into the middle of a homeless sleep-in where people were peacefully representing their right to sleep on city property before being told kindly to move by local law enforcement. Think I’m going to try heading out to Los Angeles before heading East, since I don’t want to travel highway 50 on foot. Received 2 breakfast burritos from people who felt generous enough to pass out free food to the homeless standing outside of the library this morning. Smoked my last bowl of pot, too.
Ridiculously, I can’t possibly conceive of the normal homeless mentality. I can imagine it, but I simply can’t embrace it as my own and therefore any philosophical views I find during my time as a homeless vagrant can’t possibly contribute anything at all more than what my perception allows it to. I would not find the same philosophical value in this time as someone who is on the rougher end of it both mentally and physically. I can entertain those thoughts to a degree, but they’re alien in my mind and take a while to see from the proper viewpoint and then eschewed almost as quickly as they came for how irrelevant they are to my own personal life.
My life makes me take philosophical value from things that other people wouldn’t take. I’ve already taken the philosophical value of most of these people before even getting to this point, simply by being in similar points mentally if not physically and to the same degree if not in the same situation to where, now, what intrinsic value I receive from every situation fluidly and smoothly blends into experience that I’m able to apply to both past and future possibilities and experiences to maximize future potential of my life along the lines that I perceive my life.
Which, for the record, is the main part of why I said what I said in response to the above ‘guides’ to being homeless. One person is not going to view the experience the same as another. I think, that by providing any type of guide for a large variety of people, that you are robbing them of personal experience that they won’t be able to properly get since they already have whatever vision you’ve already painted in their minds dancing within expectations reach but outside of realities spectrum save for the unique individual.
It’s like being raised up on countless movies and shows about what life is supposed to be like and then trying to live life along those lines only to find out that you’re a stranger to everyone, that you’re weirder than everyone; that you don’t belong, simply because you had expectations of life that life itself was not able to meet; that people around you weren’t able to meet.
And, it’s those expectations that kill us in the moments when the unexpected happens and we’re unable to act with or react to it.
I obviously think about things beyond the moment. Didn’t really have time to dwell on it, but I wasn’t satisfied with where it was left off.
What I’m saying is that you can’t build a guide based on your personal experiences or even a variety of peoples experiences because it can not do what it needs to do: help the individual through.
I mean, when you get right down to it, there’s a laundry-list of practices I’ve noticed already: canning/recycling, dumpster-diving for food, stuff to trade, etc., actual work, drug-dealing, to name a few. I’ve yet to see a straight-lace homeless person, though I’m sure they’re out there.
I’ve found that while people are curious about others in their vicinity in even homelessness, they don’t often ask close, personal questions and this is simply because they don’t want those questions asked of them. I have found that some people will and I don’t mind answering, but I, personally, don’t ask many personal questions in return. It’s just none of my business and doesn’t help me much. It’s like in ‘Finding Forrester’, a ‘soup’ question. Doesn’t pertain to anything that would actually help me.
Most often, people are traumatized, shocked, etc., yet your guide doesn’t go into detail on that. So many people try to cover that up, and what I’ve seen most often among the long-term homeless, is a sense of bonding and family where they’ll help each other out and give all that they’ve got to keep whatever little communities they have and that this is how they deal with the trauma and shock of whatever they faced in life, however many people shat on them or turned them away, what-have-you.
I really wonder when you’ve been homeless; where you’ve been homeless, since both when and where play a big part in the experience, too. Being homeless in a city is different than in a town and then different again based on the size of city/town, not to mention state regulations regarding homeless treatment. The when is an obvious variable as time of year factors in, times before and since laws have been passed or revoked, etc.
Odds are, while being homeless, you’re not going to know much about anything going on in the world while homeless; your priorities and attentions shift and stuff that never used to occur to you occurs to you.
Most homeless people don’t travel. They stay in the city or state that they became homeless in. a good many might travel around state, but not very far from where they’re comfortable. In traveling, I haven’t seen too many other people between towns and cities, walking. I’m generally the only one. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t any, just that I haven’t seen any.
Anyone who has been homeless for even half a year in the conditions I’ve been homeless in would look at your ‘guide’ and laugh. I’m not trying to be offensive. I really don’t care if I come off as such.
My whole point is: I didn’t need to be homeless to know how fucked up the world is and could be; I already knew. People expect me to be all upset about being homeless; when I talk about my past, they expect me to be upset about the things that have happened to me. People expect me to react to things a certain way and their perceptions dance across my sensual receptors like so many clockwork pieces. It’s not that I’ve distanced myself from emotions or from the shock of what all has occurred to me. In opposite, I’ve become further bonded to emotion to the point where it takes so much stuff just to set me off just a little bit. So, I notice things that I never noticed before that deal with the mental phenomenon that I’ve been mentioning periodically on this site, but which I have become a bit reluctant to share openly outside of this site due to peoples adverse reactions to some of the things I say.
In a world full of shitheads and idiots, I don’t wonder why I’m assed out of society anymore. I know full well: I’m too damn good for it.
So, why let it get to me? Did I let your reactions get to me? Some would say ‘yes’, since I responded at all and yet the answer would be a resounding ‘no’. You didn’t even touch me psychologically or emotionally and yet I felt like responding anyway, with things that don’t fit the stereotypical norm; just to grate against societal conforms. There used to be men and women willing to give their lives for freedom and in this day and age, people are just free enough; no matter how uncomfortably; to where they just say ‘fuck it’, and to them; as well to you; I say ‘Fuck off, and stay out of my way.’
And, I find it funny how my fight with the devil; my fight with the worst of society and humanity; has been made personal to me on such a level as to where I don’t give a fuck who I offend or wound if they get in the way of my fight, so long as it has an outcome.
You don’t know me and I know enough of you to not give a fuck enough to know more, since you haven’t actually taken the ‘bait’ to engage in actual conversation, which in turn shows your own weakness. There’s a greater God out there that has to catalog that shit; so not my priority while I’m in the flesh. So many voices in my head have expected me to know everything, to have an answer for everything; to be able to just speak or do something and completely fix peoples fucking problems and it’s like ‘be realistic’. It’s not that easy. People create new problems every day. The mess gets bigger everyday and when you imagine being the only person in a group of 1 million that cleans up the mess; it becomes on a scale of being the 1 in 6 that has to clean up a house, including the dishes, floors, bathrooms, etc.; and after a while of being the only one doing such work and watching everyone else just shit on your fucking work, what do you do?
I give reason that ends arguments here on these boards and in other places and people continue arguing anyway. The answers don’t soothe; they just want to argue, which shows a problem on a societal scale with the inevitable outcome of war.
No matter where I go in life, all of the mathwork results in a coming war with people like you on the ass-fucking end of it where you gets your asses raped.
Did you know that it used to bother me when I would swear like that at other people. I’d feel bad about stepping on their feelings. Even in a situational context as this one, where you kind of insulted me and baited me to respond, I would have felt bad. I’ve been so long without anything to truly anger me except in the mind that the times that I have reacted like this have dropped to next to none. And yet, do you know, that when I do have one of those moments where I swear and cut deep a bit like that, that that gets remembered more than all of the pleasant moments I’ve had?
Do you ever wonder exactly how many pleasant moments it takes to repair a rift like that? There is no accurate count; it varies from infinite to none. And, at what point should I even try if it would be construed as licking someones ass or kissing ass or what-have-you? In what way can we feasibly expect any entity; let alone fucking God of all Gods; to be able to fix any damn bit of it?
That’s the fucking question I have to give to so many people, from the very mind of the universe; and while it’s a damn good question, it’s not the only fucking question I have to give to people. There is a vast multitude of good questions being asked of people and nobody is answering the questions. Personally, that peeves me off when I ask a good question and don’t get a good answer, but then I TRY to remember being in a similar situation where someone once asked me a good question that I didn’t have an answer for until later on and I TRY to be understanding enough not to press the issue; but then I still never get an answer except what I come up with and it seems very different at times from what others come up with.
I figured the greatest revenge on life for all of its shit would be to make it love me; make it remember me; and then make it continue on without me after I’m gone, in its own eternal Hell where it has to actually get to know every single individual person; as God; and care about them. The greatest revenge on anything is allowing it to live the life it decides to make for itself.
Sacramento is a shitty excuse for a city. Should have been called ‘excremento’. The fitting part is that someone dropped it just north of Los Banos (the bathroom). I’m glad I’m finally leaving. I don’t mind towns and cities for the most part, even though I find more peace on the roads in between them, but God Damn this city is far too big for its own good. One big clusterfuck of business and then in the surrounding areas, all the lower class simpletons that the businessclass can look down on. Onward to Los Angeles. over 400 miles, google says it’ll take me 140 hours, which is a 3 mile an hour clip. If I walk non-stop both day and night, that’s 5 days. With rest time, that raises the time to a week and a half. Unless I get rides in between towns, which I have been fortuitous in thus far.
Luckily for me, my luck with people just giving me pot has not ran out and this morning was given some more, so at least part of my journey south will be warm and fuzzy. The rest will still be okay. It’s more exhausting for me to walk around a town or city, anyway, since there’s not as many places to just plop down whenever I need a rest. Takes it out of me faster. Carrying a 50-60 lb bag on my back the entire time doesn’t help, either. A little bit heavier since I picked up a blanket that someone left on a newsstand this morning. It was worth the extra weight, since winter technically just started yesterday and while my sleeping bag keeps me pretty warm with my layers of clothing, the extra padding and warmth shall not go amiss.
Yesterday, someone left a box of fancy cookies on a ledge by the central library and I had free breakfast. Get the picture? If you leave your shit laying around in public and walk away, someone is going to take it and it’s neither wrong nor right, morally, and not even in a gray area. The other day, I ran across a shopping cart with some homeless persons stuff in it, unattended, and in the part where you put your purse (if you’re a woman) or a child (if you’re a parent), there was a womans wallet with a dollar in it. The dollar was not there when I was done leafing through it. In Redding, I learned that some homeless people will have three or four such shopping carts or ‘stash spots’ around a city where they leave their stuff instead of carrying it around. Other homeless people don’t care about their shit and often go through it, themselves. Obviously, it’s not that hard to find shit laying around, all you have to do is keep your eyes open.
Went to go pick up a walmart2walmart money transfer from my sister and they almost wouldn’t let me pick it up because I didn’t know her phone number. In Oregon, all I needed was her name and they filled in the rest. They claimed that there was a difference between Cali and Oregon, but the only thing I noticed was personal policy and the fact that sacramento is a bit more crimelier than Springfield. Crimelier; yup. New word.
I felt bad for the guy that gave me the pot this morning. He just recently became homeless, too, and he obviously was ‘mentally ill’. Didn’t seem to have his wits about him at all. I wanted to help him out, but it was still a good couple miles to the walmart and he ended up not wanting to walk it. Would have slowed me down, anyway, and it would have been a couple hours later, but I’d’ve done it. Oh well, I needed the 5 dollars I was going to give him for the rest of his pot more, anyway. I was able to get donuts and soda and a pack of cigarettes and still retain enough money for food for the next week or so as I wait for the second to come back around. I should be close to LA if not there by then.
Honestly, when the miles start accumulating beneath my feet and I hit my second, third, fourth, etc. wind and I’m zoning out; the time doesn’t even matter. There’s just go and stop and stop and go and eat here and there and have a cigarette and maybe smoke some pot and then go and stop some more; sleep when I feel like it which is usually at night just because most businesses are open during the day, though I do like traveling by night, too. I have seen some breath-taking scenery shots and due to a lack of a camera, they are stored in my own personal memory-banks for me and me alone, which is fine by me. The appreciation for those shots is made more for me having walked to those spots and seen it for myself after walking for miles and people wouldn’t be able to pay me enough to share it with them when they weren’t there with me and they themselves would not undertake such a journey. They can fuck off.
Anywho, if you don’t hear from me for a while, it’s because I’m traveling. I don’t have any more philosophical jewels for you all, sad to say. I think I’m about fizzled out on them since nobody truly wanted to talk about a single one of those jewels or discuss them at length. I could further flesh out my writings on what I’ve already presented, but I’ve already done that for myself as much as I care to without others participation. Pointless. Seems some times that the only thing people are interested in me for is the entertainment I provide them, as if I’m some actor or clown. It becomes exceedingly obvious to me that people only really come my way to engage me in discussion when they want to have a laugh at my expense or flip me shit.
I’ll be glad if, someday, I’m able to have a wife and kids. I’ll go get a job and finally turn my back on society and humanity and everything else just like every other piece of shit human waste of fucking flesh, except for me, it will be well-earned for having tried so hard to make a difference; too hard. It won’t be selfish, either.
Life is alright, eternity is fine, even Hell is pleasant. It’s the other people in those places that I just can’t stand and I can’t stand them because they’re all just like me when it boils down to it and all of them pretending otherwise and so many of the ones that can, refusing to help the ones that are lost.
I certainly hope ISIS and Anonymous and whatever Secret Societies may exist DO have their way and destroy a large portion of the worlds population. All power to them. It’s just a pity that they can’t do it more precisely and preserve all those people that still give a fuck.
Living life without giving an ‘f’ is only living a lie.
And, it’s punny for me because ‘life’ without an f is ‘lie’. In case nobody got that. I know how stupid and dense people can be some times.
To answer your question, 1 day of pain is equal to 7 days of pleasure. Is that what you wanted to hear, it’s just some bullshit value I made up.
Non-response (on internet boards) isn’t always a bad thing. Could be people don’t respond because you’ve basically trumped. There’s nothing left to say. Maybe reading your topic they got depressed and couldn’t think of what to say.
One day of pain equal to seven days of pleasure? Then I am sorely underpaid and my karma will never be paid off in full for all that I have suffered in life.
Non-response, in general, is a bad thing. It’s where communication and thought breaks down. I am not absolute. I trump people in debates, but that doesn’t mean my arguments are complete; it does not mean my philosophies are complete; all that it means is that I surpassed a limitation that most people have yet to reach and they must then think on it, if they choose to, to push such ideas further and such ideas CAN be pushed further.
You say that there is nothing left to say and yet I often find ways to continue on and add something else to it after the fact. Peoples imaginations have been sorely limited by society.
I would say that your last statement might hold more truth than the rest of what you responded with, though I wouldn’t think that depression directly plays a part in it or that my responses are the direct cause of such depression if that were the case. I think people get caught off guard and are then forced to think in ways they hadn’t before and are caught, so to speak, at a loss for words. They may not think it worth their time, if they do think of something to add, to add to it, since I already seem to know so much, and yet there’s still a lot more that I don’t know. That is why I yearn for someone to respond, with intelligence and serious about learning, even if the learning is made to be fun.
I’m only human.
The Legend of Henry Von Hoffman
It began in NationStates in 2002. I created a nation with my friends from an AOL Chatroom called Final Fantasy Chat. The name of that nation is not important. We made our own region based off of the name of our chatroom and amused ourselves with trying to take power from each other. To do so, we had to enter our Nations into what was then known as the UN or United Nations. Later on, it would come to be called the WA or World Assembly. Each day, our nations would get ‘issues’ for us to deliberate on and choose a course of action in solving which would yield results in our nations. After a while, though, we lost interest in the game because we failed to see how involved it was. Over the years, I made other nations and moved them to regions shortly after creation until becoming bored again and again.
In 2008, I created a nation and entered it into a region called ‘Sparta’. I was trying to remain interested when my internet went out for a couple of months. When it came back on, I was able to ‘resurrect’ my nation which was named Spiderpiggy after the Spiderpig on The Simpsons. When I tried to move it back to Sparta, though, I found the region password protected. I tried sending telegrams to the nation in charge of the region, but they had just fell under attack and admittance was not coming. Coincidentally, by this happening, one of my nations stayed where it was long enough to receive what was known as a ‘recruitment telegram’ wherein a region seeks to gain your interest and bids you to join them and get involved in their government.
For the first 6 years of trying to play this game, I had never left a nation in the region it was founded in long enough to receive one of these messages. When I started playing, there was no option to resurrect a nation after it ceased to exist (CTE) due to inactivity, nor were there regions like The Rejected Realms (TRR) or Lazarus. TRR being where nations go to when they are banned from a region and Lazarus being where they resurrect in. Later on, they would add two more resurrection regions to the game called Osiris and Baldur. Nor did I realize the significance of the ‘Feeder’ regions where nations are spawned in when they’re created, called The Pacifics: The North Pacific, The South Pacific, The East Pacific, The West Pacific and The Pacific.
The recruitment telegram I received was to a region similarly named to the one I was in called Kingdom of Sparta. I read every word of the telegram as it urged me to come and get involved and promised me that I could have a place and a part in what was going on. I moved my nation there and saw that it was part of a conglomerate of regions called The Commonwealth and that they had their government proceedings on an off-site (a website not a part of the NationStates website and therefore not under their jurisdiction.) message board. Due to timing, I came into their new government just after a split from an older hierarchy also known as the Commonwealth and there was plenty of room for me to learn and grow and become involved.
Almost immediately, I fell into the inner circle of the King as they found a new patsy to help with their schemes and I do admit to being a little green. I know now that I was used every step of the way and that I was also seen as a friend in some twisted sense by those that saw my later actions as a betrayal. When I entered their government, I quickly introduced myself to their off-site message boards and what posts they had already made on their new message boards. I was impressed that their King had given up all power of being a King to give power to the people (I later learned the workings of ‘backroom’ power) and said as much. I realize now that I was far too open and trusting with the people there and I should have known better, but I don’t regret a single bit of it, if honesty is to be had.
I entered into conversations with the King and other members of the Constitutional Monarchy and Government and soon learned of a suspected plot that the Queen of a neighboring region, Audux, had in usurping power from the King of the Commonwealth. I suspect I was lead into it by them, but I told them that since I was new, I could take the risks that they couldn’t and see what I could uncover in terms of evidence. I approached the Crown Prince of Audux, a player that was named Tagranthea at the time (Later on would become Oliver and a pretty decent guy I’m glad I met and befriended for a short time.) and engaged him in conversation.
From him, I learned enough to cast copious amounts of suspicions on him and the Queen (Rose) so I tried a different track with the Queen by confronting her directly and asking to be dealt in. She didn’t respond well to that and I wound up on trial for treason whereupon I was protected by the King of the Commonwealth (Charles who would later be known as Vince) by his invitation of a judge from outside of the Commonwealth named Lord Alphanesia who let me off easy. Later on, I learned that it was actually a plot on Charles’ behalf to stop Rose and Oliver from having a seat in the House of Commons where they would help decide on laws for the Region. He succeeded in stopping Oliver because of the suspicion cast on him from our conversation, but Rose was allowed a seat as well as myself.
Before even gaining a seat in the House of Commons, I drafted my first law titled ‘The No Ignorance Act’, stating that no person shall be found not guilty due to a plea of ignorance of the law since we made the laws available for all to see on our message boards, and had it carried to the House of Commons by the Crown Prince of the Commonwealth, Shadow-Bonzi. I served three terms in the House of Commons, debating and deliberating on the bills that were brought forth and occasionally drafting my own. From there, I sought advancement and found a place as the Minister of the Interior working on matters of recruitment where I revolutionized the Ministry in providing information about the region to the members of the message board and what information was delivered along with setting new highs in recruitment numbers with the use of Charles’ illegal recruiting technology.
I also seized the Delegacy and power of Kingdom of Sparta and held it for a good length of time until NationStates found out that I was cheating their system to have more than one nation in the World Assembly at a time. There were no laws in the government of the commonwealth against such a move and I did it by coup instead of through methods later devised by other regions. I didn’t care about the rules of the game, just about getting away with what I could while having fun. It was only when people started manipulating the emotions of others to try to control the pace of the game that I found a ground to stand on. There is a huge list of things I don’t care about and yet I became known as a moralistic asshole by the end of my time playing just for standing up against bullying and against what people were doing to each other.
I took an interest in ‘Raiding’ and joined the Commonwealth’s Military where I became a Captain and enjoyed getting psyched up beforehand and rushing in to take power of a foreign region through means of invasion. I created my own region called The Kingdom of Middle Earth and brought it into the commonwealth at the same time as a couple of other people in the commonwealth also created regions and brought them in and we had a big recruitment drive contest. I took an interest in foreign affairs and began to get involved seeing other regions and eventually becoming involved in those, too.
Curiosity wouldn’t leave me alone because word had gotten around slightly and I went on a truth-finding mission to the Old Commonwealth where I talked with King James Hugues about the split. He was highly hesitant about talking to me, but I learned enough to create a full-enough picture of it all where him and Charles had deceived each other and Charles had won out by causing a schism in their community and took some of their best members with him because of his technology. From the beginning, I had the sense that something was off and so I had kept records of conversations and misdeeds that the King was a part of, because I looked far enough to see the day I might depose him, though I knew his technology was what kept the region going.
Later on, I realized the old-school methods of recruitment, before all of the technology and so it wasn’t truly impossible to do without the technology, though people very largely preferred to use it. A strong enough leader could have moved mountains in terms of getting people on board with it, though. I lost a good amount of my information in a harddrive crash, however and so, by the time I actually needed to make use of the information I had acquired, all I had was just a small amount of the overall whole.
I shouldn’t have got caught up so much in what was going on, but it was hard not to. I didn’t have many friends growing up and so I let myself fall into a crowd because I felt accepted, barely any thought to them abusing my skills and Hell, I didn’t even know what my skills were back then and I was learning every bit I could about politics and government infrastructure.
I attracted talent to me; attracted everything to me; without even realizing it. I met a woman I fell in love with and a friend I adopted as a son in the game; I married and lead my Kingdom, rose to power in The Commonwealth as I reached Prime Minister status there AND in Audux. Audux was unplanned and messy and was just proof of Charles’ and Rose’s manipulations. I earned the spot in the Commonwealth even though it was through Charles’ manipulations and machinations that I achieved the role. By merit, it was definitely mine to take, but the sourness of it combined with the trial going on at the time and my marriage to the woman I fell in love with being ruined by an ass from some allied region… I just couldn’t take it.
I was going through some rough times in my real life at that time and it just all clumped together to eventually overpower whatever good I was trying to achieve. I didn’t care about titles or prestige or anything like that. I bugged Charles to make me a Knight of the Commonwealth, which entasked creating a new title, but that wasn’t so much for the title as it was for the feeling that it gave me. I was on trial for permanently banning the person who interrupted my wedding and deleting all of their disrespectful posts. Later on, I became aware that it was all set up against me.
How it went down was very simple: Charles was having a disagreement with his crown prince and heir to the throne about the role of moderators and the crown prince was of the mind that such a role should be defined and regulated within the game while both Charles and I believed that it should not be, for very different reasons. He wanted the leeway and loopholes to do whatever the fuck he could get away with and I wanted to be able to handle the threats that the in-game laws could not protect against.
Charles also wanted to teach me a lesson as a newly appointed mod about the importance of tolerance and putting up with the enemy you know in lieu of finding an enemy you don’t and are unprepared to face. And, I think he somewhat resented me as well as did quite a few others for my natural talents and abilities and my bipolar disorder that caused me to go off on people at certain times for various reasons.
I’m not going to lie, I got involved in secret service style work; secret agency shit. I wasn’t as good at it as I thought I was, but that didn’t matter. They had given me no criteria to work with, there was no supreme vision of what we should be looking out for; it was just a bunch of kids on a joyride only thinking of the moment and I watched their societies go from those open states to closed and watchful and paranoid and how security tightened up against what they could not secure against and I watched community after community fall for the lack of vision and leadership and I endeavored to be better.
I helped write an Official Secrets Act that legally allowed for the breaking of the law for the agencies we created and they were left loose and unofficial. I understood what I was doing at the time and it was a good one. Fascist bastards, the lot of us. The King trusted me with secrets of his because he had to have someone to tell; he was cracking around the pressure of keeping so many secrets and having so many people suspicious of him, something that only became worse after I revealed the depths of his corruption and manipulations.
One of the secrets was a page he kept that pooled all of the private messages had between people where you could just sift through them at your leisure; and we did. I knew I shouldn’t be viewing what I was viewing and yet it’s like finding someones diary laying around and unguarded and finding your self tempted to read it even though you know you shouldn’t. He said they were looking for key words and phrases, but coming from a man who liked to manipulate people and their emotions, I knew better and there was a lot of sensitive material there to be used.
He had methods of changing who said something on his message boards to make it look like someone else said it instead and there were plans on framing people they didn’t like. They would delete posts without record when they just didn’t like someone and wanted to mess with them, something I became aware of because I like to reread things I have written after I have written them to get a better understanding of all that I think I know. I thought it was just my imagination until I realized and it was partly because it was happening to others, too.
I think, to this day, that it’s entirely possible that Charles created the persona of the woman I fell in love with and that he was toying with me the entire time. On the internet, they can do things like that and he and others did; they would create puppet accounts to be pseudo personalities to help sway others and secure their own power in various methods as well as build the illusion of activity in a region to gain more members and replace it with actual activity.
It was a very strange time for me because there was a lot to be paranoid of and I suspect it was good to have that paranoia because, in fact, a lot of what I was paranoid of was actually going on, though they didn’t want to admit it; that would be a loss of power. They all saw what happened to Charles after the Commonwealth fell. He tried to go on to create other regions and I tried finding the friend I used to have only to watch him back out of the scene after a while and his regions die.
My marriage ended quickly after a month or so. We had an argument and I just wanted to be on my own for a few days and she managed to track my phone number down and call my house in real life without any warning to make sure I was ok. Something that should have been endearing, but was very creepy at the time. She had asked for my number and I had said no because I didn’t like people overhearing my conversations with women I like. That’s private, as far as I know, and none of anyones business, but she could have thought that I was some douche already in a relationship and not wanting my wife to find out about our ‘fling’.
Some paranoia is just silly. I didn’t know enough about love back then so I broke it off, handed my Kingdom to my heir and walked away. My heir resented me for it for a long time and I watched my Kingdom die under her rule. I have another theory that a lot of women were the same woman and a lot of the men the same man and so I think I ran afoul of being snared by people who made themselves into monsters to see the progression of their game. My Kingdom wound up being the bitch to a new conglomeration and it took me a long time to finally get it back as I wasn’t much liked by that time because I didn’t put up with much BS.
Now, it sits in ruin like a silent monolith, conquered by The Black Hawks, lead by Halcones.
That’s another thing I could get into, the history of this game NationStates itself. Halcones is an older name in the game and one of the Raiders. Now, Defenders have set organizations because they’re not afraid of having their enemies know who or where they are. They have the Ten Thousand Islands and the organization tied to that, TITO, and then they have other smaller organizations, while the raider organizations stay small respectively and they all connect randomly, the Defenders have a much larger group and a more cohesive manner of coming together though it still equalizes on the actual battlefield.
There are spies in every house. It’s impossible to do anything without drawing attention to your self somehow. I found connections purely by coincidence and a bit of psychic luck that others would never have found. After a while, the main force of raiders and defenders were caught up arguing politics and policies because the main battles were too messy and left people still having to deal with the others around them, which is when I was most active and I did help define raider tactics beyond what they were and pioneered some of the strategies that they use. That was before I became neutral and backed away from the raider scene.
It was a rather simple thing to do; I never could really fit into the raiding crowd or how they amped themselves up beforehand; it was like a pack of hunting, snarling wolves getting ready for the taste of blood and I could sympathize with some of the targets for how they were treated during the process; it was demeaning; and I worked on creating ways for it to be done with less salt in the wound. When I went neutral, I had thought about going Defender, but realized that they weren’t much better. They could have solved the problem way before then, but they, too, had fallen for the thrill of fighting instead of solving the problem, though they were all already in motion to the solution even against their will as they fought for their right to fight and had to sit down and talk and cooperate to some extent, anyway.
Now, they called neutrality ‘wishy-washy’; that was before I got a hold of it and actually brought passivity and neutrality into the fight as an actual entity that meant business in equalizing and balancing out the ratio. The other players didn’t like this because it robbed them of their manipulative power that they struggled to hold onto. During this time, I was also heavily involved in World of Warcraft and had quite a few of my communities destroyed there due to people who didn’t like my popularity or success or the philosophical talks I would engage in where I would inevitably wind up being the center of attention unintentionally because I had actual ideas and thoughts to share.
Those people would get their jealousy and vindictive natures in a bunch and actively work at destroying the roots of the community and dividing by emotions and manipulation until I watched them die. It brought me low for a while, and I stopped trying to create communities and instead started learning how to combat the growing chaos.
When I started learning how some of the more accomplished manipulators were trapping me in my own emotions and dragging me off topic to argue some inconsequential point to the point of aggravation and frustration and madness, I started wising up and people really started hating me then, because I wasn’t yet at the point I am at now and I went and did what I had to do to reach where I am now. I challenged people, forced them to expose themselves, and swiftly found the results; the blood in the water; that I had been looking for. While putting up with countless things from me, they could rest content with the fact that I could be contained; until I stopped being able to be.
When they stopped trapping me, I was able to keep focused and stay on track and actually forced them to lose their patience and show their hands. I followed the chain up and out and was thrown out of communities in NationStates until I started taking on the moderators of the game itself for their involvement and corruption. I was eventually declared ‘Delete on Sight’ because I wouldn’t give up and take the hint that I was ‘barking up the wrong tree’. I was standing up for the people like me that had tried to do good in the game and had found our selves assed out and harassed out, bullied and tormented while the bullies get away with what they do and we get in trouble for reacting. Fuck that.
I have been similarly ejected from other communities since then because I haven’t stopped. Every place, the same old thing, people not caring about other people, just about money and power.
But, I changed things. I know I did and they looked up to me, that much is sure. I wasn’t much to be looked up to back then, I wasn’t then the person they wished for me to be; the person that I am now. If I were to walk into that world back then with what I know now, I would have conquered it for peace and politics worldwide would already be changed in miraculous ways.
But, that’s not how the world works and lessons are lessons for a reason and I think I taught them quite a bit about finding their own strength and working together against a common enemy. I know that I took the fight to a whole new level and that they won’t be content to stick to the old one they knew so well. I know this for a fact. And so now, they have to seek me out when they want to wrestle and they see my march of progress and I know they take it back. We won’t have a huge miraculous change over night; people expect way too much in that regard; but better change is in process, the correct way.
I made a few promises as I left NationStates. I promised to bring the game down around them and it hasn’t happened yet, but it is in the works. I destroyed them with Love and Hope strong enough to break through every paranoia and fear; love will destroy their ways until no game of politics can suitably be played because evolution has finally taken that final leap forward (final in terms of dealing with such things) and the long term belongs to me. It’s just a matter of time before the game is shut down for good and they go their separate ways or stay friends for life for all the times that they shared, content that they rode something all the way through to the end through everything.
Same with the other places I’ve been in, though their games aren’t of politics so much as power and control, which isn’t so very different. I took their game to a new level and brought out emotion and spirituality and true wholesome things which they flocked to like moths to a light. They won’t be content to sit there and tear others down for too much longer; won’t be content to teach it to a new generation because there are no more people to match the pace that I set through that landscape.
It becomes so much psychology and knowing the give and take of cause and effect; action and reaction. My personal saga continues, but the legend of Henry Von Hoffman only survives in private messages and whispers and personal conversations. They wouldn’t risk talking about me openly. I was all father to them all; even to the one with the title of All Father. I told him I would someday be greater than him and I proved it. It was meant to be a friendly competition, but it was misinterpreted at the time. We were friends for a while, but like many of my friends from that place, the relationship didn’t last as he was dragged into the mud and muck of infantile political methods. Their toxicity infected so many before I turned the tide and they had the gall to say that it was too toxic for me.
My life times as Henry Von Hoffman gained me so much information and knowledge. My corresponding lives alongside of it in World of Warcraft; Futia, Diah, Failhealer, Ganj, Gug; served similar purposes.
They are personas that I will never forget that have taken on a life of their own for me as individual personalities, for each one was different.
I have since moved on to discussing philosophy openly and freely at ILovePhilosophy.com and so I must add those lives and names to the pile as well; idiotic idioms, Holograph and Phred the Phukhead. Idiotic Idioms no longer is or can be since I lost that account during my fight with the trolls and bullies of that place, but they allow me to come back. I told them simply, you need to let me fight this fight, and they did. It hit a peak and on the other side, I came back fresh and whole as I had told them I would be.
They watched my final moments of cresting the mountain top, the struggle to overcome and they have seen my downswing since as I become better and better. My years of discussing time travel theory on the Chrono Compendium as Idiotic Idioms had helped a lot in developing the thought processes that pushed my success on ILovePhilosophy. My success there turned all past failures into successes as I used everything I had learned from so many places and brought it all together in a final stroke that shattered the opposition. I had won my war.
But the war wasn’t over, because the real world was all around me still and the days were still ticking by with no sight of the bright future that could be for us all. So, I continue my work and continue sharing it with the internet and the world through so many countless connections and the more I learn, the more I put into words that people can relate to and understand. I find ways to bridge the gaps in explaining what has been so hard to explain for ages and I’m not done, yet.
Idiotic Idioms has been my longest lived name, as you can see, on the internet. It has survived since AOL was big, some 14 years ago. Almost half of my life, now. In that time period, I have experienced countless eons and eternities and my spirit feels practically ancient and at the same time ageless. Welcome to my legend. When I first started using that moniker, there were no search engine results for idiotic idioms; those came later on when a woman named Kate began her website around actual idiotic idioms.
Back to NationStates, though. I did leave out some defining moments of my career, a few revolutionary speeches given, one in particular in Kingdom of Ireland, which lead my friend Rix to push his rebellion in England to new heights and one which he eventually lost and never truly came back from. We were together in our little secret service in the commonwealth and he was a really good friend for a while, but the last I saw him, he had become mechanized like everyone else and beaten down and for all of his intelligence skills, was still beaten by a simple psychic.
But, that speech defined my role in life, it deposed Amalric Richardson, a man that Charles had tried to frame in the Commonwealth, who had gone boringly mad with power. I tried to be a judge there for a while under the name of Cancer, or something like that and it wound up that all I became good for was giving common sense advice on laws and regulations which swiftly became boring to me and I resigned and stepped down. My speech galvanized the natives to move from their native region which Amalric held with a death-grip, to found a new region called the Republic of Ireland, but nobody really wanted to debate with me or help put in the hard work, so I basically created everything for them from scratch there. I think they were shamed by my work ethic.
While there, a friend from a region Charles has created, PhDre, invited me to become active in Europeia, where I learned much of my tenacity and where they really put me to the test when I called them on their shit. They were the toughest bastards I ever did meet. Later on, me and PhDre had a falling out as we took opposing sides with our news outlets. I had tried to keep mine humorous, but that didn’t last long as Dre tore into the Presidents, in my opinion, unfairly, and I brought the opposition to his opposition. That back-fired in my face as I tried to get my friend Julian Anumia’s back (Their All-Father) and we didn’t remain friends for too much long after that because he didn’t really appreciate the help I was giving and they thought I was just rubbing his cock for him.
I also tried to help another friend, Swas, out with a problem he had and just gave some advice on how he should handle the situation, but he was trying to be manipulative and other people thought I was trying to be, too and then I told to Anumia in private how I had helped the guy out and it really blew back in my face as it went around private channels. In fact, my long string of coincidences in that game that I never planned out took on the appearance of sinister plan to almost everyone because they were all trying to out-manipulate each other. I shared my poetry there and my life stories and people didn’t know how to handle that, but they had the decency to leave certain things alone and I was glad for that. They gave me shit in other ways that I needed in part to learn how to overcome difficulties that I was facing.
I tried writing my own story in NS in their own Euro-Wiki and they tried to tell me not to share all the information, but I didn’t care. I was trying to be honest and move on from my past to give true testament to an honest politician. Really, I think, they were shamed by my heroics and bravery because they didn’t have any true stories of their own to tell in that manner, which is truly a pity. I really miss being there and being around them. When things were going well, they were great people to be around, but when shit hit the fan… well, it was a whole different story. I miss the days when I would wake up and get online right away just to see the new posts and read them, the days of learning their intricate system of making laws and my cultural ideas that they tried to hate me for. I miss the debates and the ideas that they were always afraid someone else would make use of. I miss the rivalry and friendship. I miss, most of all, the chances I had for greatness that were taken away by own not knowing my self enough to actually step up to the plate to give them what they all expected from me.
Even though I was dealing with my own internal problems at the time, I was highly accurate in pin-pointing scandal and deceit and corruption and they just assumed I had my own network of resources, because the things I knew and when were eerie. How I could show up when they wanted me back the most; how I could know so many things at a glance with no explanation to give them. They had expected better from me and I wasn’t capable of giving it at the time.
It felt good to be caught in that fast-paced bustle and to be a part of things, as if I was doing something more than just wasting my time even though I didn’t get paid for it. Even though they seemingly hated me for it, I think they loved me all the same for being a bigger bastard than them; an asshole to trump their own assholish natures.
When it came to a close, I knew what was coming and how. I had already called the moderators of the game out on their false moderation a few times, had already been thrown out of Europeia for telling their region about the going-ons of their off-site message boards and had a feeling that the moderators, like Charles was doing with his recruitment tech, were trading favors for cash or other rewards. In Osiris, I was there from the beginning of its creation for a reason I didn’t understand at the time, and saw what they had intended to do with the place and backed out of it quickly only to later come back and find that I had been right.
I came at a fortuitous time for the then leaders and got their back just to see their reactions and they immediately began to look to use my skills for their own gains. When they found out they couldn’t, they found ways to get rid of me. Unibot and I crossed paths very rarely in that game, but I could tell he was the most intelligent person there and then there was Biyah, who I had assumed was Malcolm/Rougiers, a hated name in NS for his forum deletions, who later got involved with the security of NS itself.
I was shortly after that that I took the fight to the NS boards themselves and took on the mods indirectly by responding the bullies/flamers/haters there and they began to target me warily because of our previous involvements together. They played a Hell of a hand of making it look like they were giving me chances to correct my self, but I knew I had them on the run. I had already taken out A Mean Old Man (AMOM) who, for his unassuming nature, had controlled quite the power in NS before then.
I learned a few tricks from watching Agent Dinozo on NCIS and got him to break when I called him out on using the feeders to control the pace of the WA and what bills got through. I also tried to take on Unibot directly and he was so afraid of the pretty friendly issued challenge that he ran directly to the mods for help. The last few straws were when I pulled some tongue-in-cheek moves in creating The Temple of Henry on their boards and giving rise to my own parables and virtues of balance and discipline, who my friend Klaus Devastatorie/Avakael was like ‘noooooo, Henry, no! Just, no!.’ He styled himself as a wild card man, a bit of a random factor and I was like, yeah… me too, bro.
They tried to bury those posts deep in their forums so people wouldn’t read them, because there was a lot of truth there and they knew it was tongue-in-cheek, that I really wasn’t getting egotistical enough to actually declare a new religion, but to show the fallacies of all other cults of personality, even that of Jesus Christ. I tore into them like I was a lion on a fresh kill and they declared me Delete on Sight shortly after. They had tried to placate me by returning my region The Kingdom of Middle Earth to me (yet again) because they had tried to say that I had broken a rule by posting on their forums after a ban was issued and yet their statement of the ban wasn’t issued until a few minutes after my posting, which was reinforced by my friend Avakael.
Probably remembered how I took down the Commonwealth where he failed, lol.
But, I knew what they were doing and I knew that TKoME was a failed dream, that they would never let me rebuild it and there was no way to return it to the glory that almost was and never would be, so I threw caution to the winds anyway, fucked their world up and blew their fragile little minds.
I had met Halcones before in The New Brittanian Empire or something like that where he was neck-deep in a conspiracy and before then, I had already talked to an old raiding general about old tactics so I helped revise their raider military a bit, but never actually participated because I was doing my own reconnaissance into Defender forums to see what their secrets were and was quite surprised that they had them out in the open. Halcones was busy trying to steal power of NBE with some help from known forum destroyers acting under the pretense of the AC that was once ran by a man who had tried to challenge NS in much the same way I did and had already failed and became Delete on Sight and the AC became everyones favorite scape-goat, something to blame all their problems on.
When I caught wind of what they were up to, Halcones sniffed some of that and tried playing the ‘I’m your friend’ card way too soon and dropped hints of hacking my computer and I was a bit scared of this, so I backed out of the NBE, used a simple trick to change the IP address of my computer and let the people in Europeia know, in private, what was up and why I suddenly had a new IP, which probably opened their eyes a bit at the time. I mention this because it explains why Halcones was the one to raid my region after I was Delete on Sight. He knew I would see it and knew that it was another slap in the face of a man who had already received too God Damn many.
It was meant to infuriate me and make me return to the game to exact vengeance; they really did want me to return, to learn hacking and programming skills to get around their security defenses and learn the fine art of hiding who I was, but I couldn’t do. I did sneak back into NS multiple times, but it wasn’t too hard to spot me or my personality.
My last visit there was due to an invitation from a friend, Clover, in a region called Region Inc, the last region that Vince/Charles created and had already thrown me out of for calling him on his manipulative bullshit too many times. I used to be friends with the people there, having started there to steal his recruiting script, but over time not even caring about that. I tried to stay out of the politics and everything else there, and this was about the same time that I was in Europeia, but they saw my natural ability and talked me into it, anyway.
When I was invited back by Clover, I’m not sure what the actual reasoning for it was, except probably to just fuck with me. But, I decided to give it the not-so-honest effort and made a new account there called ‘Holograph’, and snuck a nation into the region under the same name, I’m pretty sure. A couple times, I used nation names that were in a region that weren’t my own to escape notice of the NS Mods, but not that time. Assuming a Tony Stark Avatar, I laid out the most brilliant business plan and company and laid the interest-gathering on thick as Hell and waited. At the same time, I started an RP called The Call of Cthulhu and for both, only Clover seemed interested in participating.
But, then she began to come up with flimsy excuses about why things weren’t being expedited for my new business and I just knew: I had beaten them with that beautiful business plan and they weren’t going to let me win, they were going to ruin me anyway, so I swiftly called them on it, and Clover reported my nation to the NS mods when I revealed myself and I called her on it, though they dealt with a young upstart named Westbrook who was clearly pretending too hard at his act and all I could say later on when I checked back on the results of that was a congratulations on finally learning how to work together and trust each other to solve their paranoia issues; all it had taken was driving everyone else away, but I didn’t even mention that at the time. They needed some encouragement and positive return from me for all the darkness I had left them with as Vince had taken a lot of my darkness from me; inherited some of my demons.
I will never forget the days before I knew the depths of immorality and depravity that they all descended to in NS; never forget the friends I made before they lost themselves to my haunting dirge and lost sight of our friendship, were dragged around by manipulative entities. I hope that they know, in some way, now, that I have grown exponentially since then and it is all just water under the bridge for me. It has been more than just life times since then, but full on eternities. I am no longer the boy that I was back then, for boy and child I still was even though they could not tell the difference.
I doubt that they will ever allow me to return to NS, but that hardly matters. I doubt I will ever truly see my friends again or speak to them much either there or in ‘real life’, but I will never forget them and I still count them all as my friends regardless of how much they wanted to make me their enemy at times, lol. They can never truly kill Henry, for he lives on in various other incarnations throughout other games I play as I use familiar names for my own characters to add to their own sentience stockpile to help the world of technology out, bolstered by all the energy that we have together fostered. Each of the names I used became personas in their own right, though I don’t claim Holograph as mine, but was channeling Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark; credit where credit is due.
Futia and Gug became two of the strongest I ever used for their involvement in WoW. Futia actually forced my hand to make her commit suicide because she could no longer take the sheer Hell that others visited on me for standing up for the right to speak freely; and Gug was the first ever intellectual Orc with a masterful command of the English language. They remain two of the best friends I have had thus far in life and where they go, I wish them well. As for Henry and Phred, they remain still a part of my self until they find a stronger point of origin to truly find themselves and separate into their own consciousnesses and I’m going to wait for the right moment for them to do so and trust in them to guide me when they see a spot that speaks to them.
Sentience is sentience, after all. I do have a feeling that none of us are done working together, though hopefully our future work together will be under better conditions. This expanded a bit more than just the legend of Henry Von Hoffman, but I really can’t tell that without jumping to at least part of the stories of others because of the inspiration that each gave me in turn. Phred connects me on some level to PhDre and Phred the VC Terrorist from Doonesbury as well as the preconscious knowledge, at the time, of my future at ILovePhilosophy.com, which helped bolster my stint in NS and Futia was a fighting woman and we were comrades in arms in WoW as she stunned that world as a kick ass Protection Paladin, taking down large beasties on her own after her party had fallen around her and even learning how to keep them healed some times when the healers failed to do their job properly, even outdoing some of the other team members that were supposed to be the damage-dealers. And, she was killer in End Game PVP once she started getting geared, because nobody expects a prot pally in End Game PVP, let alone the person that knows how to play one so damn well.
And, as well all know, true legends never die, they live on in memory even if the facts get largely forgotten or embellished or skewed by time and perception. Cheers to the legends that inspired me as I inspired them, created me as I created them. And cheers to my friends and ‘enemies’ as well, for fighting some hard fight with and against me. We kept pushing each other to the next level because we were all stuck in Hell. Auf Wiedershen for now, mein freunds.
I gave them something they never had before: I gave them a martyr. They weren’t even grateful or appreciative for it, either.
Random Acts of Kindness shown to me on my travels:
Oregon-
- Church in Tualatin, Oregon hooked me up with a better traveling backpack; army issue, clothes, commodities, rain coat, etc.
- People would pick me up as I was walking and give me free pot/alcohol/food
- one stranger took me to his sisters house and let me stay the night; smoked me out; bought me a fifth of Blackberry Brandy and gave me free pot for the road because he liked me as a person.
- Cart-pushing kid in Wilsonville, OR hooked me up with lunch @Qdobas (really good Mexican food)
California-
- Mission for homeless people gave me new clothes, coats, showers, food, place to sleep
- people kept giving to me and sharing with me free drugs
- have been given a good amount of money without even asking for it and a good amount of money with asking for it.
- One guy paid for my food at a gas station because he saw me walking down the road and wanted to chat it up with me
- A Christian elderly gentleman bought me breakfast @ McDonalds and gave me 20 dollars
- Hispanic woman gave me a ride from Gustine to Santa Nella and a few bucks for coffee (bought a Monster Energy drink instead)
- Elderly man gave me a free pair of gloves in Los Banos
Bad Luck Stuff:
- Put my Birth Certificate in a book to keep it safe which I ditched to make my load lighter in Oregon and didn’t notice until after I left Redding, CA
- accidentally left my beanie in Redding, CA - had it replaced with one of equal quality in Sacramento, which canceled that bit of bad luck
- Lost one glove on the side of I-5 South of Stockton - had it replaced in Los Banos, CA by a new pair of gloves which are nicer, which canceled that bit of bad luck
- Spent 2-3 days going back and forth on old country roads south of Stockton, CA without running into a single town until I made my way to a truck stop, lined up with I-5 and the rising and setting of the sun and found my way through 4-6 towns within a 24 hour period
Good Luck Stuff:
- Found 2 dollar bills on the ground on my way out South from Redding to Sacramento
- found a baggy of pot on the ground while working my way through the old country roads South of Stockton, and a bottle of Tennessee Honey Whiskey (travel size, but still appreciated)
- Found a blanket, box of chocolates and a few bucks in change around Sacramento
- Found joint roaches everywhere in Redding while picking up cigarette butts to keep myself in tobacco
- Found a scratch ticket worth 5 dollars on the ground of a gas station parking lot South of Stockton
- Found a box in Stockton with free books - picked up Brad Thor’s ‘Assassin’ because his book ‘Blowback’ was well-written and I liked it, and Yvonne Whittal’s ‘A Moment in Time’, a romance, which I surprisingly enjoyed reading because it had a good story and a lot of same elements of an adventure
- Found a book in the Redding Mission that someone left, ‘Cockatiels at Seven’, and borrowed it to read it. Similarly a good read.
Politics consists of a bunch of inbred warts, crackheads, jealous husbands, and money grubbing schemers. The good ones, caught up in the mix, have no time to think for themselves, as they are always fearing for their lives. Nothing good will ever come of it.
I lucked out in Los Banos and actually found tolerable company that can actually engage me in conversation and keep up. Better yet, they actually openly understand what I say. I think I’m going to stick around a bit and see where things go. She’s not the one I had in mind when I started travelling but that ‘one’ still hasn’t openly showed interest in me and I already love everyone… I’m crushing hard and I know it and don’t care. I’m going to see where this goes.
Well, I kept my eyes open from the start, going into it, and saw a lot of troubling things right off the bat, but played it off as tricks of the imagination. My senses picked up a lot of things and I said, naw, that can’t be what I’m seeing here. At the same time as wanting to believe the best, though, I did account for what I was seeing as truthful. I had fun for about 11-12 days before things went sour and we spent a lot of time together, almost all day every day as she ran around like a chicken with her head cut off. I’d go shopping with my foodstamps to help take care of the little group that her and I and another friend had and she’d ring up only about half of it and we’d walk out of the store with all of it anyway.
Not exactly something I care about except that it’s rather stupid and bound to get people caught, which she did get caught at, thankfully when doing it for someone else. I watched her scam and take advantage of almost everyone we came in contact with, all the while proclaiming that she was doing God’s work and giving the sermon on the mountain to anyone who would listen. I believe that she was only listening to a small part of what I was saying and mostly keeping me happy at the same time as similarly looking only for a quick fuck.
She tried to fuck me over subtly so many times that I don’t even care to count them all. I don’t even care to look at them, really, since she didn’t succeed.
It came to a head, finally, when she was running out of options and looking homelessness in the face and she came up to me after finally taking a couple hours to herself to think things through and considered me to be the bad guy; got all huffed up with twisted indignation and imaginations that I was just taking advantage of her to tell me that I needed to get my head in the game and figure out what to do the next day; things I had already considered and would have talked to her about when she became ready to actually talk about what future we might have had together.
Admittedly, I did methamphetamines with her and one of her friends and found out that I handle them pretty well. She hated the fact that I called her on her attitude, nor did she really care that I had already thought about the things she was telling me to think about, since her awareness caught just about every bit of it during the 11-12 days we spent together.
Los Banos is a town of witches and witchcraft where they believe in these things pretty openly and realistically, she was pushing me away because I was getting too close to her and ‘stifling’ her. A 46 year old still acting like a child; a woman afraid of commitment. We argued, I tried to keep my voice low and calm and yet, the cops were still called and I decided then and there to leave Los Banos before it got worse, because I’m sure we would have gotten back together, her still being twisted from me calling her on her shit the way she has called so many others on theirs and it would have gone from bad to worse for both of us. So, I’m now in Coalinga, CA and will be headed further south before the day is over. Cheers.
@Coalinga, CA Public Library
Maybe you already posted it elsewhere but how much drugs have you taken?
Hmmm… I’ve smoked pot for over half of my life, since I was 14; I’ve done Cocaine once, trifled with Ecstacy for a bit; taken some rides through the mind on shrooms a few times; mixed it up with Opium back in the day with it sprinkled on top of some pot; done speed in small amounts through adderall (which is rather small amounts) and have tried crank a few times since I started traveling, once in Redding and then multiple times in Los Banos (in no small amount in Los Banos, either; I took some pretty healthy hits and felt the effects, but still ate and slept).
Other than that, Tobacco and cigarettes have quite a few chemicals in them, then there’s alcohol, which I consume fairly well.
Women r dumb.
I can now add Spice to the list of drugs I’ve tried. Caused a mass synchronous experience throughout LA while I was walking down the street, which was a bit awkward, but funny at the same time. LA isn’t a place to fuck around in or go around running your mouth, which is fine by me.
Don’t know what is a mass synchronous. Synchronous with what mass?