What is your most recent purchase? - pics required

[Zoot Allures]

I read an article once where some psychologist said that cargo pants are popular because they make the dudes legs look more developed than they really are. So you get those guys with skinny little legs who buy like five pairs at a time from American Eagle. They are also modeled off of military uniform, which is an associated masculine symbol.

[barbarianhorde]

That's very funny and yet, racist or sexist. Imagine this, why are women the only ones allowed to display they assets by their sexy way of clothing? I can walk up to a woman or a girl if she is flaunting a nice ass or firm breasts that look real, but unless I wear tight leather or spandex pants no person will ever pick me for my sexual organ in the street.

Some criticisms that need to be said. I dont like coffee from carbonized metal or whatever cups, I want it rom a stone coffee cup or a plastic cheap cuppie from the outside bar. I dont like OJ from plastic containers I need it in a glass. Tea I have not so often, but it better be in a stone cup, if it is in a paper cup I will vomit.

My second most recent purchase was a book about the Roman Empire where I read they didn't measure the dick but the balls. My penis makes eyes bulge so I assumed always its above average but I never really checked for scrotum size, relative. I think I'm okay. I think I'd make it in the army.

[Zoot Allures]

Imagine this, why are women the only ones allowed to display they assets by their sexy way of clothing? I can walk up to a woman or a girl if she is flaunting a nice ass or firm breasts that look real, but unless I wear tight leather or spandex pants no person will ever pick me for my sexual organ in the street.

They're not. You can do it too, man. Today is your lucky day because I'm a retired exhibitionist who's been arrested like five times for indecent exposure, and I'm gonna help you out. First, you need to watch this introductory video before I school you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JV8JPZyJiuE

Now I have done this very thing (minus the camera) more times than I can count.. and let me assure, they love it. I had to downgrade to the bulge from indecent exposure after my fourth arrest. It's not the same intensity or buzz but when you're an abnormal, sexually deviant paraphiliac like me, you take what you can get. I've gotten the best results in book stores. Here's how it works. You get a semi boner going.. not so erect that you pitch a tent in your pants, but not so soft that the member doesn't produce a bulge. You ease your way down the aisle and place yourself within the proximity of a sexy female; avoid prepubescent teens because you're no pedophile and they wouldn't understand what's going on anyway. But you don't stalk them.. you don't follow them around like a creep. What you're giving is an invitation to play, to have a strange, erotic experience with an attractive stranger. They will come to you. Oh, if you aren't attractive, none of this is going to work, so stop reading. If you are, proceed.

Fuck it I'll just tell you some of my personal experiences instead of give you a seminar. It'll be easier. So I'm at the far end of the aisle opposite the woman. She's browsing, I'm browsing. When she turns in my direction, I shift the bulge, giving it emphasis, but I don't look at her. I keep my eyes in the book. Now the first thing they do is quickly look away after they see the bulge. Then they pretend to be reading and look back over the top of the book. Most of them end up moving down the aisle to get closer to me. Of course I pretend not to know what's going on. Once she is set up in position, she'll resume the secret stare over the top of her book. You know this because she's not really reading. She's been on the same page too long, see. If she were really reading, she'da turned the page by now. So now I'm getting aroused and more erect.. maybe I'll squat down and browse the bottom shelf for a minute and think about fat, ugly women so I don't pop a full boner. It's all about control; you have to keep the member under control. I stand back up and shift again.. but this time I do a little fondling. Now she knows I know she's watching. Game on. Eros has arrived. She moves closer. Now I pause. This is to confirm whether or not she is into it. If she stays, that means yes, let's do this. So I fondle it again, and bring the member into a diagonal position across my leg to demonstrate it's length and girth. All this time neither of us have said a word or made eye contact.

Now I shit you not, on a few occasions the girl would walk away and come back with her friend, who would set up beside her with her own book and join in. I've actually seen a late adolescent girl wearing those tight teenager spandex pants develop a clearly visible wet spot between her legs. I'm not kidding man. This chick had to go to the bathroom it got so bad. Others would begin a series of provocative poses there in the aisle as if they were performing for me. This one hottie, she musta been seventeen or eighteen, stood up on her tiptoes and stuck her ass out, pretending to read the back of a book on the top shelf. This was bullshit because she was certainly tall enough to read the book without being on her tiptoes. She did that for me, dude, and I almost blew a load in my pants. That one was a close call. At that point we both knew what was going on; she was digging it and so was I... so I started stroking it through my sweat pants. I wish I woulda said something to her, but I didn't. I've never said a word to any of them. I couldn't.. it was too weird. I wouldn't know what to say.

What was happening here is a part of us deep down had come to the surface, but the superego was blocking it, keeping it in check. Two beautiful creatures momentarily free from the bonds of morality and society engaged in an erotic fantasy on aisle five. In a better world, we would have dropped right there on the floor and gone to work. But nooooo, we have to be proper, civilized, domestic, appropriate.

I still have the picture of that girl in my head. This was like eight years ago. She was so gorgeous man. She loved what she had done to me. A young girl coming to understand her sexual power. Every move she made was an invitation to judge her. When she bent down to the bottom shelf and arched her back, when she stretched that exaggerated stretch and pushed her chest out. Do you like it, Zoot? YES, young lady, you have no idea.

I'll never see that girl again, BH, but we will always remember each other. She'll tell her friends; omg this hot guy at the book store was totally checking me out, Stacey! I could see his dick through his pants! He was rubbing it...[ giggle ]!

Now you've indicated that your member is quite large, so you should have no problem with one of these operations. But you have to be careful not to pop a full boner. A dude with a big dick would pitch a ridiculous tent, and that's not sexy... it's comical. You'll scare Eros away.

[Zoot Allures]

My penis makes eyes bulge so I assumed always its above average but I never really checked for scrotum size

You know what I've noticed? Watching porn I've noticed that dudes with average or smaller dicks bust bigger nuts, while the big dicks barely bust anything. I wonder if this is an evolutionary feature. It would make sense that smaller dicks, being unable to get closer to the cervix, would need to ejaculate more in order to fertilize the female. I dunno though.

Now the size of your balls is important, but the parts of the testicle that produce sperm are only a small part of the anatomy of the testicle. Ergo, you don't need big balls to bust a good nut. But you do need big balls to have high testosterone levels. Now I'd be willing to trade my balls (which are big) for your bigger dick, for two reasons; first, my testosterone levels have always gotten me in trouble, and second, wearing underwear is uncomfortable for me because my balls hang low, they swing to and fro, I can tie them in a ribbon, I can tie them in a bow.

First though I need to know if by big we mean the same thing. Mines about 6 and 7/8ths inches long erect, maybe 4 and 1/4 inches in circumference. That might be off because I don't have my tape measure on me.. it's in my tool bags. At any rate I would like at least a 7 and 1/2 inch long erection. I've tried to stretch the thing but it doesn't work. I want one this long because I want to be able to hit that sweet spot without putting her legs over my shoulders. From behind I do alright.. I'll get the hand from her.. when she reaches back and pushes against your hips in a gesture to say 'whoa dude, not so deep'. But basically seeing all these big dicks in porn makes me feel inadequate. I'm not, mind you, but my exposure to porn has exaggerated my expectations- everything HAS TO BE BIGGER- bigger trucks, bigger cheeseburgers, bigger TVs, bigger breasts, bigger houses, bigger incomes, bigger everything. You know what I mean? I've been subliminally brainwashed by the media and all its mediums. One has a psychic ontological desire to increase one's Parmenidean being, to exist MORE, to occupy more space, to bring into existence ever increasing atomic complexes of greater size, to master the material world of things. A big johnson is the most primordial expression of the masculine force to do this. The second is architecture. To build objects that endure and resist the Heraclitean flux. Like the architectural erections I build, I want also for my penis to resist the Heraclitean flux with its erection. A tower of power that rises up toward the heavens, that overcums the spirit of gravity, that demands; SEE ME, FOR I'LL SHALL EXIST!

[Zoot Allures]

And while a peripatetic wanderer will always count the journey itself as his only destination, he does often need to know where the fuck he's going to get to the job on time. And so a peripatetic wanderer might purchase the Magellan RoadMate 5320-LM GPS Navigator:



Verily, I shall never be lost again.

(It's got everything I need... except for the sexy British woman voice)

[Mr Reasonable]

You got google maps on that phone man. It's the best.

[phoneutria]

My guess is that he doesn't have a data plan.

Try waze, mr.r. It tells you where the cops are.

[Zoot Allures]

My guess is that he doesn't have a data plan.

Why you gotta be sweatin' my data, Phon? Just 'cause I'm not as smart as you in math and computers doesn't mean I ain't got data. I GOT data. Don't you worry about my data.

[Mr Reasonable]

Since you're on verizon, if you start to use too much data, they'll send you a text that says, "if you want more data it's this much a month or whatever". Just reply "yes". It's the cheapest way to get more data when you need it. If you take data without axing, they charge you more. But if you just agree to take the data when they ax you, then it's cheaper. You can save data by adjusting your email sync settings, and by going into "Accounts and sync" and making sure that every god damned thing under the sun isn't updating all the time.

[Mr Reasonable]

My guess is that he doesn't have a data plan.

Try waze, mr.r. It tells you where the cops are.

Nope, it tells you where the cops were. Those bastards are always moving.

[phoneutria]

It's for speed traps and stuff. People report sites where police car is just sitting still. And then if you pass by and you don't see it there anymore you report back that they are no longer there. There are so many people using this that it is pretty accurate. It is also good for road construction, red light camera, etc

[Mr Reasonable]

I'll check it out. But I don't really speed, and I don't have anything in my car, ever, that might be illegal. I just don't do it.

[phoneutria]

Neither do I but I like knowing where the pigs are.

[Zoot Allures]

Neither do I

If you don't carry anything illegal in your car, where do you carry it, Phoneutria?

[phoneutria]

Imma play the 5th.

[LaughingMan]

Mr Reasonable, if Carleas would allow it I think with all of your money the different hookers your with weekly you should post photos of their left butt cheek here in the recent purchases thread.

Yes, I'm obviously attempting a crack at humor here.

[Mr Reasonable]

I don't think he'd allow it. But you remember when you had that one forum I did post a pic of the small, large titted girl that I was banging at the time. She was amazing dude. I still see her occasionally, but she moved to florida to take a job at some christian elementary school.

[Mr Reasonable]

Also for the record she wasn't a whore and I didn't purchase her.

[Zoot Allures]

You got google maps on that phone man. It's the best.

I downloaded one of those GPS apps when I got the phone, but I think it's a trial version that's going to expire. It keeps asking me for a license number.. which I assume is what I get when and if I buy it.

I don't want to have to use the phone for GPS. I don't want a big-ass program taking up memory and slowing it down. My phone leads a spartan life; it has only what it needs.

That's why I bought the GPS navigator. It sits nicely on its mount below the rear view mirror and has a big screen. I just turn it on and I don't have to fuck with it. Plus it makes the central control center of the Gladiator look cooler. I want my van to look like a high tech space ship on the inside. I'm installing plasma cannons on the front bumper next.

[LaughingMan]

I don't think he'd allow it. But you remember when you had that one forum I did post a pic of the small, large titted girl that I was banging at the time. She was amazing dude. I still see her occasionally, but she moved to florida to take a job at some christian elementary school.

Yeah, I remember that photo alright.

[LaughingMan]

Also for the record she wasn't a whore and I didn't purchase her.

Well, technically they all get purchased in one form or another where they're all are........

Fill in the blank.

[Zoot Allures]

You got google maps on that phone man. It's the best.

Dude. I thought that was just the google maps.. I didn't know it was a GPS navigator too, goddammit. Why didn't you think to yourself three days ago "you know, I bet Zoot is getting ready to buy a GPS, so I better tell him that google maps is a GPS"?

I pulled the Dick's Sporting goods up today on the map and some lady said "turn left in three hundred feet, etc." So why wouldn't the app be called google GPS? Not everyone is tech savvy, you know. In my day we used the stars to navigate.

From now on you, MR, are going to be my customer support for this phone. I'm not reading the book that came with it and I'm not calling the 800 number and talking to some automated machine.

Now what's the deal with this data stuff? Are you saying that if I exceed my memory or the number of my allowed app downloads, I'll get a message telling me I'm being charged for the extra stuff? This phone is a straight-talk phone; I pay $45 dollars every thirty days to keep it running. Are saying that I might have to pay more?

Phoneutria you are welcome to answer these questions as well, though you are not obligated. MR is obligated because he failed me with the comprehensive google maps information he did NOT give me.

[Mr Reasonable]

How much data do you get for the 45 bucks? If it's unlimited data then you're good to go. I got a limit of 8gb that I can use per month on mine, so I go in and set some things not to update as often, and I set some things to only run if I'm on wifi and not using the data that's included in my plan.

I just went to the straight talk site and the ad on the front page said 45 bucks for a plan that had 5gb of data. That's a pretty good bit. As long as you're on wifi when you're at home, you should be able to get a whole lot of usage out there in the world before you start running into your data limit. That's the trick. Any place you hang out where there's wifi, get the password and connect to it, and your phone will remember all those networks and when you're near then you'll automatically switch from the data that's in your plan to the free wifi...saving you data that you can use to gps yourself through the woods. I been on that android since it first came out man. It's like this basically. With the phone that you have, you really can throw away your camera, your gps, and your computer if you're like me and mainly use a computer for shit like this. It's a beast man. It does pretty much everything. You just go to google and type in an address and it'll give you directions anywhere.

[phoneutria]

Nobody sells unlimited data plans anymore. I pay full price on my devices just to be able to hold on to the plan I am grandfathered into.

Z00tz, do you have a time limit you can still return tour gps device? If so, try out both and then decide how it compares to google maps or waze. I guess if you are paying $45/mo it probably has a data plan (interwebz anywhere).

About data usage, I dunno what happens when you reach your limit (bcuz lol you lowly pleb i am so burgeois) but unless you're watching loads and loads of vids on your phone, you should be fine. Just a lil web browsing and geolocationing will not get you over your quota.

Bah the way, you can tether your computer using your phone and interwebz from inside your van and not need to go to a cafe. Try an app called foxfi. It turns your phone into a wifi hotspot.

Just don't buy any tech before asking auntie first ok?

Also I am drunk on cider made from 100% pears, so this is a official drunk post. Preemptive sorry for anything ludicrous ai might have said. I play temp insanity.

[Mr Reasonable]

Yes foxfi is good. Connect your laptop going down the freeway.