My 1st Hand experience of Psychosis

[WW_III_ANGRY]

http://www.scribd.com/doc/25936105/Memo ... ess-Part-1

[cheegster]

Cor, looks long but i'll read it real soon.

[Oughtist]

Damn, my printer's out of toner. ... looks like a been-there-done-that thing, though in my case it was during Grad School Philosophy, and my coloring outside of the lines was purely abstract and did not involve the intervention of Authority. It did, however, seriously impact my capacity to maintain the decorum required to write anything intelligible. I will buy some toner tomorrow.

[WW_III_ANGRY]

Damn, my printer's out of toner. ... looks like a been-there-done-that thing, though in my case it was during Grad School Philosophy, and my coloring outside of the lines was purely abstract and did not involve the intervention of Authority. It did, however, seriously impact my capacity to maintain the decorum required to write anything intelligible. I will buy some toner tomorrow.

The invention of authority? What are you referring to really?

[anon]

Damn, my printer's out of toner. ... looks like a been-there-done-that thing, though in my case it was during Grad School Philosophy, and my coloring outside of the lines was purely abstract and did not involve the intervention of Authority. It did, however, seriously impact my capacity to maintain the decorum required to write anything intelligible. I will buy some toner tomorrow.

The invention of authority? What are you referring to really?

Intervention

[WW_III_ANGRY]

Damn, my printer's out of toner. ... looks like a been-there-done-that thing, though in my case it was during Grad School Philosophy, and my coloring outside of the lines was purely abstract and did not involve the intervention of Authority. It did, however, seriously impact my capacity to maintain the decorum required to write anything intelligible. I will buy some toner tomorrow.

The invention of authority? What are you referring to really?

Intervention

Ah ha, thanks.

[Ignoramus]

My first hand experience with psychosis consisted in a brain-dead boy smashing his face against my fist until blood stained it, and then got up and made fun of me because he had bruised my knuckles.

[Teddy]

Amazing! Right now as I'm posting this I have only read 3 pages but it is good so far. It is fairly well written and gave me a good look at how people with psychosis reason. Thank You. I will have more to say upon completion.

[Jakob]

Why do you have that boys face as your avatar?

[WW_III_ANGRY]

Amazing! Right now as I'm posting this I have only read 3 pages but it is good so far. It is fairly well written and gave me a good look at how people with psychosis reason. Thank You. I will have more to say upon completion.

No thank you, I just hope to provide more insight for people that don't understand schizophrenic thought, or bipolar with manic episodes.

[WW_III_ANGRY]

Why do you have that boys face as your avatar?

Well if you're referring to my avatar that is me, and I am 31 years old.

[simonsays]

Is that all real? Is your diagnosis bipolar? I am amazed you remember so much details. Thank you for sharing it with us. I hope you're doing better now.

[WW_III_ANGRY]

Is that all real? Is your diagnosis bipolar? I am amazed you remember so much details. Thank you for sharing it with us. I hope you're doing better now.

You wouldn't think I'd actually make that stuff up about myself, would you? Yeah that's all real and I'm doing better. I guess I could've blocked it all out of memory, but then how healthy would that be?

[simonsays]

I did not mean to make such an accusation. It's just that I have met people who have had psychotic experiences and many don't remember the details, specially what happened during the episode. Perhaps you gathered this info partly based on what doctors said, police/hospital records, family recollections, and checked it against your own memory of the event.
You do not have to tell me your diagnosis either and perhaps that was an intrusive question and I apologize. The only reason I asked that, is I glanced through the document and thought I may have missed it. Also, that some psychotic episodes are only drug related, while others (schizophrenia, bipolar) can occur on a regular basis and significantly influence the quality of life. I have read some of your posts and I find it difficult to imagine you were that same person who went through so much: you come across as very intelligent, and like you have your shit together better than most "healthy" people. Kudos to you!

[fuse]

Wow, WWIII, you were really like that? I mean, I know nothing about you except that you have a family and seem to be a pretty reasonable guy. I have to say, I couldn't help but laugh at some of the craziness that went on. Britney Spears... But I don't doubt that it was a dark time for you. You made one remark about your dad and how sad it makes you feel thinking back on what it must have been like for him. That kinda made me feel sorry for you and all the pain it caused. When did you write all that down? What happened after that crazy car chase and your arrest?

[WW_III_ANGRY]

I did not mean to make such an accusation. It's just that I have met people who have had psychotic experiences and many don't remember the details, specially what happened during the episode. Perhaps you gathered this info partly based on what doctors said, police/hospital records, family recollections, and checked it against your own memory of the event.
You do not have to tell me your diagnosis either and perhaps that was an intrusive question and I apologize. The only reason I asked that, is I glanced through the document and thought I may have missed it. Also, that some psychotic episodes are only drug related, while others (schizophrenia, bipolar) can occur on a regular basis and significantly influence the quality of life. I have read some of your posts and I find it difficult to imagine you were that same person who went through so much: you come across as very intelligent, and like you have your shit together better than most "healthy" people. Kudos to you!

I didn't take your statement as an accusation but a rather casual sentiment of mild disbelief..

Yes you're right I luckily remember my episode almost as vividly as it was occurring, which is why I wrote it down. I wrote about a year or so after I started stabilizing. For the first few years of my ascent, I ran my psychotic thoughts and actions over and over in my head. I did so out of awe of my craziness, I found the time interesting on many levels. It was funny at times, highly dangerous, embarrassing and somewhat "unbelievable" that this occurred to me. I did get some help in sorting out the chronology of some minor events, some of it kinda of blurred together, but nearly everything I wrote is on my own recollection and is accurate, particularly because I couldn't get it all off my mind. I think this is good, it was best for me to deal with it, analyze it and confront it. Of course that help me put it behind me, at least as much as possible. Your observations on my demeanor today are appreciated of course - and I would have to give a lot of my current success in life as a result of how I coped with the psychotic break and confronted it. Today I likely have minor residual effects that often go by undetected, sometimes I become aware and ponder if I am in plight or beginning some downward spiral but its been 6-7 years since my upswing and I have since began a crusade of knowledge which helps my overactive mind I suppose. Back when I was a teen prior to all this madness I did a handwriting analysis at the county fair and the computer "spat" out a reading of my personality similar that resembled a Richter scale reading, with high sharp points indicating a more powerful aspect of my personality. There was one category labeled over imaginative, or imaginative ( I don't remember which) and the reading went off the piece of paper. I find that funny considering I ended up creating my own reality nearly devoid of all truth, purely from my "imagination".

As far as my diagnosis, I have been given the label of having: Schizo Affective Disorder, Bi-Polar II, Psychosis, dually diagnosed (and that dual diagnosis is yes, due to marijuana)

You seem to have experience with mental illness, what is your tale on that?

[WW_III_ANGRY]

Wow, WWIII, you were really like that? I mean, I know nothing about you except that you have a family and seem to be a pretty reasonable guy. I have to say, I couldn't help but laugh at some of the craziness that went on. Britney Spears... But I don't doubt that it was a dark time for you. You made one remark about your dad and how sad it makes you feel thinking back on what it must have been like for him. That kinda made me feel sorry for you and all the pain it caused. When did you write all that down? What happened after that crazy car chase and your arrest?

Oh I still laugh at some of this stuff, I mean you just gotta. That of course is a great thing to be able to do, to come out of this and point back and laugh. And hey... Britney Spears used to be different My dad had his issues too, though not like mine. I've come to grips with it, what I wrote then was prior to his passing a year ago in January. Since this writing, which was 4-5 years ago, I've made amends. He was a tough man who's seen it all, with 9 kids, worked in a steel mill night shift for 40+ years and grew up in the great depression, so he took it better than I probably would today, if my son did this.

But yes overall it was dark and the story didn't end where I left off. Jail time had some interesting tid bits. I was on 23 hour lock down, they had me naked for the first day or too with a large paper towel to cover myself... I think because I said something crazy to the security guard that escorted me to my cell about his melting star of david necklace and that he wanted to burn in hell forever. Anyways I spent about 40 days in jail, my dad wouldn't bail me out rightfully so, because I wasn't ready to come out, I made some "friends" in population, in that I was a crazy ass mf'er who got away with watching what I wanted on the one TV for one hour a day and changed it without any complaints to the news, even though they were all huge Laverne and Shirley fans, or something. But that was a minor struggle, some little guy picked a fight with me which was funny, but I didn't fight. The rest would have to be told later when I finish the story. Anyways I got out of jail, went back to therapy, took my pills, got better, got a job, got married, got a better job, moved, got raises, had a child, and here I am talking about logic and philosophy with you fine intellects. Or so.

[fuse]

I have this idea that my mind is rather fragile and that the things I think about combined with stress combined with irregular sleep and diet makes me ripe for developing a serious mental disorder like schizophrenia or something. For the past few years, I've been pushed to the limit with stress, lack of interest in things that normal people care about, irregular sleeping/eating habits, errant attention and the inability to focus, and intermittent periods of ferocious thinking and insight. I get this feeling sometimes and I'm on edge. I mean I already went through a minor depression toward the end of high school, struggled with high anxiety and a mood disorder, and I'm at the perfect age for the onset of something nasty like schizophrenia. I just feel mentally vulnerable. The funny thing is, the idea of going through something like that more intrigues me than scares me. I'm not saying I would welcome it.

And hey... Britney Spears used to be different

yes, this is true, I remember those days...she was pretty sexy and I was only like 10 ...back when Poke'mon was cool (for 10 year olds) and when NSYNC was big (that was my favorite band for a year or so...lol)

I made some "friends" in population, in that I was a crazy ass mf'er who got away with watching what I wanted on the one TV for one hour a day and changed it without any complaints to the news..

Anyways I got out of jail, went back to therapy, took my pills, got better, got a job, got married, got a better job, moved, got raises, had a child...

I'm looking forward to all these things.

...and here I am talking about logic and philosophy with you fine intellects.

Oh, well, really I try to be modest about my intellect, but, since you mention it, I suppose it is something fine (not to mention towering). I was in a humanities scholarship program at school and it seemed to me that the program was full of pretentious students and faculty...surprise. I liked being around intelligent people, but I can't stand that air of arrogant pretension and I have always spurned the invitation of cliques. As for cliques, I just don't like falling in with that kind of group identity. It feels too closed off and I can't be bothered to observe clique "rules". Ironically, because I used to be anxious in social situations and because I have always enjoyed solitude and time alone, I have often ended up isolating myself socially -- which makes me far more closed off than any clique -- but at least I have never been subsumed by some pretentious group identity...eff that.

[simonsays]

You seem to have experience with mental illness, what is your tale on that?

I studied psychology in college, but also I have dealt with your run-of-the-mill anxiety/depression symptoms and all that crap. My sister has paranoid schizophrenia though. I rarely see her and she doesn't remember much about her psychotic episodes and is also not open like you are with your experiences...she rarely talks to me...or anybody, for that matter.

[Floyd]

That last sentence, wow..

[WW_III_ANGRY]

I have this idea that my mind is rather fragile and that the things I think about combined with stress combined with irregular sleep and diet makes me ripe for developing a serious mental disorder like schizophrenia or something. For the past few years, I've been pushed to the limit with stress, lack of interest in things that normal people care about, irregular sleeping/eating habits, errant attention and the inability to focus, and intermittent periods of ferocious thinking and insight. I get this feeling sometimes and I'm on edge. I mean I already went through a minor depression toward the end of high school, struggled with high anxiety and a mood disorder, and I'm at the perfect age for the onset of something nasty like schizophrenia. I just feel mentally vulnerable. The funny thing is, the idea of going through something like that more intrigues me than scares me. I'm not saying I would welcome it.

And hey... Britney Spears used to be different

yes, this is true, I remember those days...she was pretty sexy and I was only like 10 ...back when Poke'mon was cool (for 10 year olds) and when NSYNC was big (that was my favorite band for a year or so...lol)

I made some "friends" in population, in that I was a crazy ass mf'er who got away with watching what I wanted on the one TV for one hour a day and changed it without any complaints to the news..

Anyways I got out of jail, went back to therapy, took my pills, got better, got a job, got married, got a better job, moved, got raises, had a child...

I'm looking forward to all these things.

...and here I am talking about logic and philosophy with you fine intellects.

Oh, well, really I try to be modest about my intellect, but, since you mention it, I suppose it is something fine (not to mention towering). I was in a humanities scholarship program at school and it seemed to me that the program was full of pretentious students and faculty...surprise. I liked being around intelligent people, but I can't stand that air of arrogant pretension and I have always spurned the invitation of cliques. As for cliques, I just don't like falling in with that kind of group identity. It feels too closed off and I can't be bothered to observe clique "rules". Ironically, because I used to be anxious in social situations and because I have always enjoyed solitude and time alone, I have often ended up isolating myself socially -- which makes me far more closed off than any clique -- but at least I have never been subsumed by some pretentious group identity...eff that.

Well being consciously aware of being susceptible to such a disorder is already half the battle. It will help you make choices to avoid further regression, if you choose to. Of course depression can be alluring thing and it can consume an individual and finally break them. Tread carefully. The early 20's are trying. Your just beginning the rest of your life and here your career path begins. It is also a struggle, you won't make much money and you'll need a lot, and there are a lot of expenses that you'll have to learn how to manage. Trial and error for the 20's. If you're still at home dependent upon family, well I'm sure you probably don't want to be either, so that in itself is its own challenge to overcome. Work is medicine for the soul, pride can deter you from jobs you may consider beneath you. One will have to give. "Intelligence is not enough. Intelligence plus character, that is the true goal of education."- Martin Luther King

[WW_III_ANGRY]

You seem to have experience with mental illness, what is your tale on that?

I studied psychology in college, but also I have dealt with your run-of-the-mill anxiety/depression symptoms and all that crap. My sister has paranoid schizophrenia though. I rarely see her and she doesn't remember much about her psychotic episodes and is also not open like you are with your experiences...she rarely talks to me...or anybody, for that matter.

Sounds unfortunate, maybe she would talk to someone she could identify with.

[fuse]

Of course depression can be alluring thing and it can consume an individual and finally break them. Tread carefully. The early 20's are trying.

Nihilism has actually become a comforting thought when I am stressed -- that things need only matter insofar as I think they matter. But that's not quite right. I suppose I have been deceiving myself into thinking I don't care when it is biologically determined that I do care. It's a dangerous line to walk, but it helps me not to sweat the small stuff. For the big things, I have to remind myself that there are good reasons why they are big and why they matter.

[WW_III_ANGRY]

Of course depression can be alluring thing and it can consume an individual and finally break them. Tread carefully. The early 20's are trying.

Nihilism has actually become a comforting thought when I am stressed -- that things need only matter insofar as I think they matter. But that's not quite right. I suppose I have been deceiving myself into thinking I don't care when it is biologically determined that I do care. It's a dangerous line to walk, but it helps me not to sweat the small stuff. For the big things, I have to remind myself that there are good reasons why they are big and why they matter.

And how's the nihilism working out for you today? Progressing any?

[fuse]

And how's the nihilism working out for you today? Progressing any?

Yeah, slowly, thanks for asking.

I would still say I'm a nihilist, but there's no reason nihilism has to or should define me forever. What I am doing now is trying to get my life moving again (as opposed to being in stagnation like it has been). As things progress, I'll be bringing into focus my values. It will take time, but over a period of years my values will solidify and I won't feel much like a nihilist anymore. My values will remain more or less consistent and I will begin to unconsciously think of them as objective or certain. They won't be objective or certain, but they will be as good as..