Expressive writing.

[Ben JS]

Hello,

I'm going to spam some things I've written that are emotionally loaded.

[Ben JS]

I know I'm a fragile little being, and I'm easily confused, abused, sidetracked, overwhelmed... but in spite of it, if I've got a true path, I'll take it. I'll grow, shed the misery, and let the sun burn my skin. I'll absorb and burst open with it's energy. I'll be a conduit, a magnifying glass, and burn away the fortresses of others.

When the sun goes away, I'll remember it in my warm little heart, then entrench it with all the mud and debris I lay in. But I wont ever deny, disrespect or forget the treasure that lies within. And when the sun emerges, as it always does and will, it will sing to my heart, and I will once again be ripped out of the misery, lifted into the sky, and completely and utterly absorbed by it's power and beauty.

And each time the sun comes and goes, I'll thank the sky and earth for being my home.

[Ben JS]

The cherished memories.
Spaces of purity and beauty.
They sing and dance with my heart - my soul.
Their resonations could fill an eternity with warmth.
-
I'd do it all again.
I wish to do it all again.

[Ben JS]

The little boy died.
He withered away.
His body too stubborn to follow suit.

[Ben JS]

I feel shattered within - probed to pose like human being - when within, I am a broken soul who's never found a form.
I am caged. I will to twist my limbs, set fire to my heart and mind, abandon restraint - to heal, to take shape, to grow.
Yet, I haven't the opportunity - they'd cut me down, silence me, contort me back into the shell that is my cage.
And here I remain, pondering my response.

[Ben JS]

We're all beautiful creatures.
Each of us can love and be loved.
Each can look upon this earth, and dream for the future.
To breathe life into this world, and nurture the seeds of one's ideals.
We can transcend the chaos from which we came.
It's easy to overlook ourselves among the crowd.
Yet, within each of us is an entire universe.
Expectations do an injustice to what's really here.
We can shape this place as we will.
Perhaps somewhere we can all thrive...
Perhaps a park where we can play in the Sun...
It gives me joy to witness it.
To be among you.
To have known it.
With love

[Ben JS]

we all have to live, right?
would you deny it of someone?
criticise their will?
is one guilty for being?
we're all as we are, right?
would you demand the unchangeable change?
and cast stones if it doesn't?
condemn them for the flows of time?
to what end?
for who would be innocent?
who can exist beyond one's own structure?

[Ben JS]

A person is too complicated to hate.
Hate a person, and you'll learn to hate people.
Your enemy's heart is a mirror of your own.
And of anyone you love.
Hate can only get you so far.
If hate were enough, why would we love at all?

[Ben JS]

this time is your home
and your peers - the closest family you'll find
this is the best opportunity you can hope for
yes, we're all flawed
but overcoming a problem first demands recognition
so pat yourself on the back because you're already on the way
empower yourself, fool

[Ben JS]

a living receptacle of pain

[Ben JS]

What'd you do to get the good?
What'd you do to get the bad?
You were here to live it.
And when confronted,
You continued to live it.
Thus:
They're as much yours as any other.

[Ben JS]

i wish there was a god
then we could reason to it
ask for it to kindly stop the cycle
our ignorance will doom us
fragile beings born of viscous circumstances
think of all the misery we visit upon each other
life harming life in desperation
yet even death wont save you
you're on the merry-go-round of chaos
where will you end up next?
...
no matter what you do with this life,
it'll all go back into the box
to once again emerge in some absurd arrangement
none the wiser of the torments and revelations that come before
back to the basics of survival at any cost
the abyss lurks at our heels
yet we focus our energy on everything but
...
perhaps if i had hope
if i trusted
felt safe around others
didn't constantly stress about how it will all fuck up
account for the plentiful vulnerabilities
ripe for the dagger to be plunged
...
i am unwell
i need help

[Ben JS]

i've avoided being vulnerable
i'm scared to let down my walls
reluctant to trust anyone
i'm a shattered mess
whatever structure i have is fragile
i need to protect myself
i'm tired, i've little hope
i don't have the energy to defend myself
i struggle to persevere
people can put others into boxes
to frame them in a harmful way
where one is guilty until proven innocent
if i look for a healer
i can't bear them hurting me further
i need a safe place
i'm not safe within
demons prey on my every thought
i need help
i'm hurting
i'm lonely
i'm sad
what value do i have?
who can accept me?
can i?
i tell myself i'm a good person
i say i'm worthy of love
i say i don't need to prove my worth
yet i don't treat myself with love
i deny myself
suppress my will
i isolate myself
i neglect myself
i mistreat myself
the days pass
and i sink deeper into the trap
losing a battle of attrition
ah, but the night will end
and the day spent escaping
until the day does not come

[Ben JS]

'I waited patiently for the LORD;
And He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God'
--
This is the message the chaplain heard coming from my mouth.
He directed me to this passage and said this is you. To reinforce the message.
How could my words be that of praise to God?
Then it comes...
--
'Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.' / 'He that loves not knows not God; for God is love.'
--
It is love that responded to my cry.
Love that set my feet on solid ground.
A song of love I was taught.
It was love I praised.

[Ben JS]

High intelligence in childhood if unguided is a bit of curse.
They recognise far too much, far too quickly.
And in youth, they've not the wisdom to reconcile it.
To process and respond to the complexities and adversities of life.
Too easy for it to overwhelm and burden them.
And when that ball gets rolling, it can affect their trajectory -
push them about, and leave them fighting it's momentum.
Childhood is such a volatile state, and it comes first.
Set up to have a rough time.

[Ben JS]

Put a price on a moment of awareness.
A moment of being able to recognize existence.
To reflect on all it's wonder and splendor.
Everything you've ever known and valued is here.
Within you, and beyond.
Surely there's a point where you've experienced
so much beauty, and felt so much love, that
nothing can counterbalance it.
A moment reached where every one thereafter,
is a priceless gift from the heavens -
a gift from the universe to each of us.
And in every single one of these precious moments,
we can surpass the last.
To become a greater form of life.
To do a greater justice to our existence.
A greater justice to all the beings that share this place.
To live in love with your family around the universe.
I am mostly awestruck by the whole thing..
..yet eternally grateful to be.
With love,

[Ben JS]

You can either deny all to become as cold and indifferent as a stone,
or set your anchor down - stand by something and say it actually matters.
It's what sets the living aside from the dead, you know.
The living cares.
And when you set that anchor down, welcome friend.
Welcome to the slings and arrows of time - of fate.
You've now begun a quest.
To draw a circle around that which you value.
It is the garden. The heavens care not for your garden.
Shield it, nurture it, empower it.
Your time is but a flash.
But if it's valuable, it's worth doing.
Regardless of if it went for a moment, or an eternity.

[Ben JS]

It had to go the way it went for it to be the way it is.
No shit, right?
Well, there's no woe to be found here.
Do it all again, fuckface.
Why?
The next generation - the little rugrats.
I'd swallow all the shit again with a smile.
Furthermore, I'm an idiot.
I needed a hard dose of reality.
Ah, but hate is a poison and love sets you free.
Life's too short, friends.
Be well.

[Ben JS]

I'm a human being. I value existence and that which it is comprised of... i.e. you. Be well, friend.

[Ben JS]

I hope your memories are littered with fondness towards your mother, and all the little moments you shared together.
And as all mothers do, they wish us to be at peace and minimise our suffering.
I'm sorry for your loss, and encourage you to reflect on how lucky you were to share your life with her, to have been able to meet and know her -
To love and be loved by her.
The pain of her passing, is a testament / affirmation to the value of her life.
It's the deal we make, with life & death - but the pain of loss, will not even leave a mark on the gift that is love.
Whoever you made that agreement with, got the raw end of the stick - you found gold.. you were given gold.

[Ben JS]

I ask myself, on what level can I form a friendship with another person? I think my answer is our common humanity - the human condition. Sure, I've got my beliefs and they've got theirs - but on a human level, can I not respect and have compassion for them? I want to see their well-being and flourishing.. I wish for no one to suffer. Thus, goal is to focus on having healthy, mutually rewarding friendships. (A work in progress, but fighting for every step)

[Ben JS]

Pure unconditional love healed my damaged spirit.
It radiated life into the being gasping for air that once was.
I believe love rises above all, and nothing can harm it.
-
I encountered a beautiful soul who guided me into the light.
I don't know if I yet have the strength to radiate this light,
but I can describe it, point in it's direction, preach it's value...

I love life, and try to plant seeds of hope that may enable and maintain it.

'The cosmos is within us. We are made of star-stuff. We are a way for the universe to know itself.' - Carl Sagan

I am a bit of star-stuff, floating around other bits of star-stuff, trying to make a happy dance.

"Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it." - M.L.K. Jr.

Hate is a poison, and love the antidote.

A person is too complicated to hate.
Hate a person, and you'll learn to hate people.
Your enemy's heart is a mirror of your own.
And of anyone you love.
Hate can only get you so far.
If hate were enough, why would we love at all?

[Ben JS]

[meta]

Selection of things written between Apr 30, 2014 (The Sun, written on ILP) to present.