2 months--no drugs or alcohol

Congrats on your one year anniversary and Happy Canada Day to you and all your fellow Canuks.

I had just written a large blurb about coding to you gib but when I went to post it, I found I was logged out and lost the post. Arghhhh!!! It was about frameworks like React and preprocessors like SASS and the general state of the IT business in general and your goals then bam!!! Gone. Normally, I copy what I’ve written before I post in case there’s a problem but I was racing to get it done and forgot.

If this site doesn’t warn you when you’ve been surreptitiously logged out then deletes your posts because you have been logged out, it’s just too unreliable to use. It’s simply not worth the time and energy so good luck gibby. Hope you get to ‘awesome’ one day. Bye peeps. It was fun (until today).

(yes, I copied this before I posted in case I’m silently logged out again)

Really… so how does the feedback work? Do they hook you up to a machine or something?

I guess the moral choice is always a testament of character, wouldn’t you say?

Thank ya!

Check this out:

viewtopic.php?f=7&t=193418

Please, please, please take some time and rewrite it, Chakra. I know it’s a pain, but you can take your time–write one sentence per day–then after a month (maybe) PM it to me. A discussion about some Javascript tech stack with a smart guy like you, Chakra, would be delightful.

You’re leaving ILP?!?!

Smart man! I’ll always ctrl-a ctrl-c on my post before hitting submit.

PS - Check is out: you even contributed to the thread: viewtopic.php?f=7&t=193418#p2683438

Gov, moral choice does not always credit of a testament to character, sometimes they become reflexively conditional in explicitly derivative situations of the kind, that choosing any other would prove disastrous

Going down a one way street, and having to return from it’s darkly lit no exit, becomes a well recognized pattern after a while, diminishing hope of s breakout, as if the souls bound could not drill at night, to get out into some magical new found environment.

The road traveled least is a used up metaphore, by the time of choosing the more accustomed route if the daily endeavor to resist the danger of grinding out another defense against catastrophic reality divergence.

Simply put, mist lives gave been thumbed enough to have to become an open book, other then that, homeless images of laying around street corners , unfamiliar as to whereabouts, can indeed lead to permanence on relying on the charity of the kindness of passers by.

No you don’t hAve to be hooked up to simulations, you just need to accept the vacancies implicit in the explicit beauty of routine maintenance, even if, repetition drives you to tears.

It takes a mind of biometric checking when the internal system measures up to the cold states , by insinuating an air If disconcerm, and when that transforms into a measurable antidote, then understanding and pleasantries may abound in any unforeseeable situation.

A drink sneaked in regularly here and there to cover the soft spits is not a good plan long term.

As of today, my commitment to the year and a half of abstaining is officially fulfilled. It was 100% successful. For those of you who don’t know (or don’t remember, or didn’t read), July 1 2018 was when this commitment started, and then on Dec 5 2018, I published my book. Both together counted as the prerequisites to letting go of “unhealthy attachment” (or unproductive attachments to put it another way). I wanted to spend at least a year away from all such attachments, and if I found it necessary to cling to some attachment, to let it be a healthy or productive one. So I’ve done that. Today is the final day.

That doesn’t mean I’m going back on the drugs and alcohol first thing tomorrow, just that I’ve attained my goal.

I found it virtually impossible to stay away from some set of attachments. My self-improvement goals compelled me to become attached to work, to my career, to different forms of therapy, and to focusing on my children. Attachments are inescapable, but at least I’ve learned that you can condition yourself to navigate your attachments such that you steer towards healthy ones and away from unhealthy ones. I don’t think I can ask much more out of life.

So I suppose I should wrap this up with a summary of what I’ve learned over the last year and a half, and what the experience has been like. Well… I wish I could say the experience was a pleasant one. I wish I could say it was hopeful… but I can’t. I wouldn’t quite say that abstaining from drugs and alcohol, and other unhealthy, unproductive attachments was a mistake, or not worth it, but if anyone has the misconception that giving up drugs and alcohol leads to a happier, more fulfilled life, my experience proves otherwise.

Life was relatively good the few months after July 1 2018–not really an improvement from how it was before, but I didn’t have much to complain about–I switched jobs from one in which I was making a salary that couldn’t quite keep up with my expenses (and my expenses weren’t frivolous, even after giving up the booz which did save me a lot of money) to one where I was actually able to save a few thousand dollars every month. The money situation was good for about a year but the working environment sucked. I hated my boss. He was a fucking asshole who made me feel like shit every day. I wasn’t happy and I felt incompetent at my job. I was actively looking for work elsewhere. Then on August 6 of this year, my boss terminated my contract prematurely. I was pretty depressed for almost 3 months. Then finally on Nov 5, I started a new contract at another company as a senior software developer. The people were great but the job was very demanding. It didn’t last long either. Just last Thursday, I was terminated. The reason they gave was that I wasn’t “senior” enough. They were expecting someone with a lot more knowledge and who could work a lot faster, and I guess I didn’t meet their expectations. So I’m jobless now. I do have one side job building a website for a guy, but it’s not full time work, and he’s struggling to find the funds to pay me.

What I’m trying to say is that life continues to be a struggle even when I’m clean, and I feel just as unhappy and unfulfilled as when I was taking drugs and drinking alcohol. Some of this can be chocked up to random circumstantial events, market forces, life… that sort of thing… for example, not being a good fit at my most recent job, which can happen to anybody… but I also wonder how much of this has to do with my ADD.

I was diagnosed with ADD in grade 3, went on ritalin which put me on the right track educationally, but then lived the rest of my life unmedicated. I did great in school after going off the ritalin, all the way through university. But when it came to jobs, I’ve had terrible experiences. I’ve never quite been able to experience being “good” at my job, and at the best of times, the feedback I’d get from managers, bosses, and peers was that I need to try harder, to be more careful, to pay more attention to detail… I could never quite feel adequate enough for them… and I’ve always wondered how much of that was due to drugs and alcohol and how much to ADD. I could never quite tell… until now.

Now, I’m quite certain the bulk of my struggles can be attributed to ADD. So this is one good thing that came out of quitting drugs and alcohol… I get to see more clearly what the source of my struggles really is. Of course, not being “senior” enough has nothing to do with ADD–that just comes with more experience–but I noticed myself making stupid mistakes on the job, the kind someone with ADD would make, and I’m sure if I stayed with the company long enough, it would become evident that my level of seniority was not the only issue. In hindsight, I think these two issues–ADD and level of seniority–could account for a lot of my struggles even at ATB (where I worked from September 2018 to August 2019); I’ve been putting myself forward as a senior software developer for the last year and a half, or thereabouts, and I base this on the number of years experience I have working software, but I think my struggles with ADD have been limiting my performance (careless mistakes, poor memory, being a slow learner, and especially finding it difficult to explain myself in complex situations) such that my employers get the impression that I’m less than senior. And I think being a slow learner and having a terrible memory in general have been retarding my growth along my career path for years. I find that a lot of my peers who have worked in the industry much less than me tend to know more than me, are faster than me, can solve problems more easily than me, make less mistakes than me, and generally seem to advance more quickly in their career than me. I feel I’m twice as slow as most of my peers.

Even if I were to assume ADD is not a major factor in degrading my work performance, I could still say it plays a major role in my emotional life, leading to depression, anxiety, and anger. Also fatigue. This is where the other description of ADD–sluggish cognitive tempo–comes in handy. I described this before in my last post–SCT is a disorder very similar to ADD, and the jury’s out on whether it should be considered a separate disorder or a sub-category of ADD (if it’s a sub-category, it would fall mainly under the non-attentive type… I’m definitely not hyperactive). Working with my therapist over the last several months has convinced me it’s a sub-type (she’s certain I qualify for ADD). SCT is known for its symptoms of fatigue and moodiness. I’m convinced it’s directly tied into the antagonism between what psychologists call the “primitive brain” (which is responsible for the fight/flight response and deals generally in negative emotions) and the “rational brain” (which is responsible for our rational thinking and self-control, and is generally associated with more positive moods). These two brains tend to play off each other, inhibiting and antagonizing each other. My experience with SCT could very aptly be described as if my primitive brain dominated because my rational brain is always in a fog. I often feel like King Theoden in Lord of the Rings when he’s under that spell with Grima Wormtongue speaking for him and general taking control of him. Wormtongue would be my primitive brain, keeping my rational brain (Theoden) in a foggy haze while he takes over. This is very much what it feels like to have the SCT brand of ADD.

My struggles with ADD/SCT have become abundantly clear over the past year and a half, which I suppose is something I needed in order to realize this, and I’d even go so far as to say it is the main culprit, so much so that I think the drugs and alcohol played maybe a 10% role in holding me back (the caffeine sometimes helping me to leap ahead!), the other 90% being driven by the ADD/SCT.

This is why tomorrow, I’m going to start doing drugs again. No, no, no, not the “bad” kind… the “good” kind. You know, ADD meds… prescribed by my doctor: dextroamphetamine. My therapist says it feels like caffeine (which would be awesome!). I remember the ritalin at least giving me the butterflies-in-the-stomach kind of feeling one usually gets with an overdose of caffeine (maybe they had me on too much).

I had to ask myself a serious question over the last year or so: what am I committed to? Doing this without a crutch? Or staying clear of unhealthy attachments? To go on meds of any kind–no matter how harmless, no matter how recommended by your doctor–is a crutch par excellence. It’s an admission that you can’t do this alone. Given my decision to go on medication for my ADD, the answer has to be: to stay clear of unhealthy attachments. And I had to leave this question open ended until it became clear to me what the wise choice is. If I had committed to never using drugs as a crutch, I would be making a different decision now. That would have been a disaster knowing what I know now.

Therefore, this is a most ironic turn of events. When I told my therapist I was still committed to no drugs until the bitter end–until Dec 6–despite the troubles I was having at work, she gave me the same look that Arc gave me when I had no good answer to why I wasn’t quitting drugs and alcohol sooner than July 1 (I believe IDIOT was the word she used… all caps and everything). How ironic that I could be an idiot for both not quitting drugs soon enough and not starting drugs soon enough. How ironic that BOTH could be destroying my life. I don’t feel like I’m playing chess with the Devil. I feel like I’m on the chess board being crushed by demons on all sides.

I’m done with ideals. Thank God! ← That’s probably one of the most unhealthy attachments anyone could be stuck to. Gonna try to be practical from now on. Sticking to the ideal of no drugs was the last vestige of my unhealthy attachments. I think it was healthy at the time–on July 1–I think I needed something with a lot of punch, something to drive me through at least a long enough period of time to not only clean myself up but to give myself a chance to figure myself out, see what makes me tick without muddying the waters with the confounding influence of drugs and alcohol. But I have figured myself out to a great extent, and in light of my new knowledge, sticking to a commitment not to do drugs has become unhealthy. Yet it was the only way to get rid of all unhealthy inflexible attachments. Invest all my attachment energies into this one (which definitely stuck!) and set an expiration date on it. Thus, when it expires, I just release that energy and the attachment is fulfilled. Now I intend to live a very pragmatic life, and being pragmatic means doing what works, including drugs if that be the case.

So let’s see what goals I’ve accomplished. Let’s bring up the list again:

1. Therapy

2. Take a Dale Carnegie course

3. Get a tattoo

4. Take acting classes

5. Talk to WendyDarling about astral projections

6. Talk to my good friend Rita about other forms of spirituality

7. Get exorcised

====================================

1. Yes, I’m in therapy. It’s an ongoing thing. Went through a few therapists throughout the year and a half. Started with a woman that specialized in meditation and hypnosis, and I think mood disorders but I’m forgetful at this point. I thought she might be useful for helping me experience altered states of consciousness through natural methods like meditation or hypnosis. But I didn’t stick with her for very long. I felt she didn’t offer anything very useful. Most of what we talked about was how I was doing everything right and to keep at it, which was much appreciated (don’t get me wrong), but I don’t need to pay someone $200 a session to be told to keep doing what I’m already doing on my own without having to pay a cent.

Then I saw a naturopath for a while (I swear I listed “see an energy specialist” on the list but I don’t see it above; must have just been mentioned in one of my posts). The focus here was to see about gaining more energy, to not always feel so drained. We tried a special diet, vitamin supplements, even B12 shots, and we also tried acupuncture… none of it worked.

Then I went to a hypnotist. I had been doing some research on the powers of hypnosis and read that some amazing things can be done with hypnosis. If they can make a man believe he’s Tim McGraw, a therapist should certainly be able to help me gain confidence, energy, happiness, those sorts of things. She told me that I didn’t have to do any work. I just had to lay there and relax. She would go through a meditative script and all the work would be done on my unconscious. Even if I fell asleep (which I did quite a lot) and completely tuned out everything she said, I would still be registering it on the level of my unconscious. Over the course of several months, I felt it was having somewhat of an effect, but hard to tell. I couldn’t tell the difference between a small effect and me wanting to say it was having an effect, and I have since then decided that such an outcome is unsatisfactory. If something is having the effects I want, I want to KNOW it is having those effect. I want it to be definitely noticeable. Anyway, the longer I stayed with her, the more she started to talk about me having to put some effort into it, how the hypnosis itself can only go so far. I recognized this as a different tune from what she had been singing at the beginning. I also remembered her saying: when we’re done, you won’t even be thinking about your boss at work (this was the asshole at ATB I mentioned), and from about January to July of 2019, I never got to the point where I could just flick my boss off my shoulder like a particle of dust. Needless to say, I didn’t think I was getting my money’s worth, so I quit going.

Finally, I returned to a therapist who I visited back in the fall of 2018 (it was a one time visit just to explore my options). She specialized in ADD. At this point, I was convinced I should be focusing on ADD/SCT because my experiences at ATB made me realize there was definitely something there. I continue to see her now. She’s good. I like her down-to-earth practical approach. I also like her critical approach to cognitive behavioral therapy, believing that while it’s useful, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be (and can be harmful in certain ways), which I agree with. She actually has useful things to say, techniques and strategies and exercises, things I can actually try doing that I don’t always know about. So I’m sticking with her for the foreseeable future and she’s going to help me navigate life on medication.

2. Take the Dale Carnegie Course. Did that from September 2018 to November 2018. I’d say it was somewhat useful but hard to apply the principles. It’s one of those courses that gives you the tools but you really have to put the effort in to apply them. I found it difficult because the principles for certain things–like making friends and getting people to like you–were things I already knew how to do naturally, while other things–like influencing people and being an effective leader–were more difficult for a number of reasons. For one thing, it’s hard to practice them unless you’re actually in a leadership position, which I rarely am. For another, the ADD/SCT puts me at a disadvantage in terms of skills and ability for doing some of these things. So does the social anxiety. However, that doesn’t mean I can’t do it. It just means I have a bit of prior work to do before I start practicing the Dale Carnegie principle on this front. For example, the social anxiety is something I’m trying to overcome by practicing public speaking. Shortly after I graduated from the Dale Carnegie course, I joined Toastmasters, and I still attend on a regular basis. The fear of speaking in front of crowds is something I’m veeery slooowly getting over. It’s been a year since I joined Toastmasters and it’s still there–not as much as it used to be–but it’s still there. And as for the ADD/SCT, well, hoping the meds will help. One thing you need in order to be an effective leader and to be able to influence people is to be good with words and arguments–inspiring, convincing, enlightening–all things that the SCT side of ADD makes me terrible at (I can’t spin an argument if my life depended on it, at least not on the spot, let alone inspire people with a persuasive speech). I could much more easily do so with caffeine, and supposedly the dextroamphetamine has a similar effect. Overall, I wouldn’t say the Dale Carnegie course was a waste, but I did have to come to grips with the fact that I had some precursor work to do: get over my social anxiety and try out some meds to deal with the more rigid brain dispositions. But this is certainly a painfully slow process.

3. Get a tattoo. Well, you all know that’s done. And if you don’t: viewtopic.php?f=2&t=184818&start=275#p2708790

4. Take acting classes. Not done. I’ve prioritized my list of things to do, and acting classes is just not high on the list. I still think it would be useful. Being able to act can be a useful skill in dealing with people, but I definitely think I need to focus on public speaking and drug therapy first. Plus all the other things that take higher priority in my life at the moment: career, children, therapy. There’s only so much time to devote to everything, and acting classes just doesn’t fit right now. Focusing on just one thing at a time is a lesson I’ve learned along this journey (though admittedly I’m focusing on more than just one thing, but point is don’t load your plate up too much).

5. Talk to Wendy about astral projection. I did talk to Wendy, and she pointed me in the right direction, but to be honest, I’ve dropped that aspiration. This year and a half has really brought my head down from the clouds and I’m WAY more practical right now. I’m hugely focused on practical matters, on just getting my shit together and living a normal, functional life. Maybe if I can master that I’ll return to AP. But to be totally honest (again), this turn to practical matters is not just a shift in priorities, but in worldview as well. I don’t think I believe in that shit anymore. The spiritual and paranormal was something I explored early in the last year and a half and quickly became disillusioned to it. I had a few reiki sessions and got absolutely nothing out of it. The naturopath and hypnotist also kind of shook me out of these alternative, non-mainstream approaches to self-healing. And without any psychedelics to keep alive the sense of reality in these sorts of phenomena, I slowly became firmly anchored to the ground. I don’t doubt the experience of AP can be had, but at this point, I’m thinking it’s a hallucination, and there isn’t necessarily a means by which to trigger it. I think it just happens to some people because of their brain chemistry and not others.

6. Talk to my good friend Rita about other forms of spirituality. I don’t speak to Rita anymore. She’s psychotic… you don’t wanna know and I don’t wanna talk about it.

7. Get exorcised. I suppose you could say I had an exorcism. It wasn’t the traditional RC type with holy water, crucifixes, twisting of heads and vomit and all that. Rather, the reiki specialist offered to preform one on me during one of my visits. I described to her why I felt I had a demonic presence with me and she had me recite some phrases which essentially amounted to a denouncement of the demon and a welcoming of new, more benevolent forces. So I considered that a done deal. Again, however, I didn’t really feel all that different, at least not immediately afterwards. You might say, however, that over the last year and a half, I’ve become a lot less obsessed with demonology and superstitious beliefs. This is, as I said, partly a consequence of grounding myself and being way more practical, but also a total lack of psychedelics keeping beliefs like that alive (those might be the same thing in the end). I hardly think of Guessius at all anymore, though I still feel hounded by demons. I still have the sense that they’re working very hard to destroy me (the whole chessboard thing) but also that there are benevolent forces trying to fight on my behalf. But there’s no more “character” hanging 'round me.

So that’s 4 out of 7. Not bad.

Let’s also see which outcomes came true. I had my list of life improvements that I predicted would come to fruition if I got off the drugs and alcohol. They were as follows:

1. Better role model for my children – Sure! I think my kids see what I’ve done and understand the gravity of it. And I think it influences, and will influence, their decisions to do drugs and alcohol in the future.

2. More energy – No, not really. I still feel pretty lethargic most of the time. This expectation came from a few of my 2 month stints when I would abstain from caffeine. I do remember feeling like I had more energy around two weeks into it. I realize however over the last year and a half that the increase in energy seems to come in the morning when I wake up. But I still get tired and need a nap in the afternoon, at least an hour. It’s like my body, no longer depending on the caffeine to wake up, wakes itself up in the morning. So I’m alert more quickly and with higher intensity in the morning. But then I run out of steam by the early afternoon, seemingly by the same amount, and it’s only around dinner when I get my second wind.

3. Better health (especially for my stomach) – Yes, for sure. Not only does abstaining from drugs improve my health but I no longer have the stomach issues I used to have. Caffeine and alcohol were the main culprits. I’ve found lately that large amounts of sweets can upset my stomach as well, and I’m wondering if my stomach is just getting more sensitive with age.

4. Save money – Definitely. Booz put a hole in my wallet $500 to $1000 wide every month. Now, lucky if I spend $100 a month on my own entertainment. I’ve even stopped going out to bars to enjoy a virgin caesar or a non-alcoholic beer (it just wasn’t the same).

5. Be awesome for my children – Not sure if my children think I’m awesome. They like their dad for sure, but I think what I was going for with this one was something to tack onto 1), for my kids to see what I big shot I had become and to be proud of their dad. I can tell you I’m no big shot despite what I had anticipated, but I nevertheless have the love of my children.

6. Give myself a chance to become more Rick-like – Ha! Hell, no. I don’t know why I thought I’d be more Rick-like off the drugs and alcohol (yes, that’s Rick Sanchez–I’ve always wanted to be like Rick). If anything, I’ve become more Jerry-like. Of course, what makes Rick Rick are (partly) the booz and drugs.

7. Better at my career – Wish I could say yes, but I don’t think so. I lost two jobs in the course of the last year and a half, so getting off the drugs and alcohol definitely did NOT help with that. Would it have been worse if I stayed on the drugs and alcohol? Who bloody knows. I do know this: the ADD/SCT is to blame well before the drugs, and as I said above, I could easily blame it on a lack of drugs (medication) rather than on drugs.

8. Earn my tattoo – Well, d’uh! I got off the drugs and alcohol… got my tattoo… yeah, I think I earned it.

9. Sharper Mind – Nope, duller mind. The caffeine helped me be sharp… until I became tolerant to it… and going through withdrawal probably dulled my mind more than it is now. But I wouldn’t call my mind sharp right now by any stretch.

10. Can drive to the bar – Yes, but I don’t do that much anymore.

11. Shorter naps – No, afternoon naps remain just as long.

12. Prove myself to others – Those who are supportive of my decision recognize it as a great accomplishment. Those who don’t probably couldn’t care less. So I’d say this is a limited yes. Haters gonna hate no matter what.

13. Capable of running a business – No, for that I think I need to start on my medication regime.

14. Get more work done – Yes, definitely. With all the free time spared up, I’ve filled it with work–building my career and working towards my own business. No more hangovers so a lot more time and energy there too, which I fill with work.

15. Invite Guessius back – No, this never happened. I think the idea was that the exorcism (whether that’s through the tattoo or through an exorcist) would free Guessius to make his own decision, and I would invite him back into my life to play the role he’s always played, but this time out of his own free choice. Instead, I think he just went to Hell.

16. More likable – I think I’m as likable as I’ve always been, so I wouldn’t say I’m more likable now.

17. More self-discipline/control – Yes, much less lazy now, more ambitious, less distracted by urges to just get high or drunk. Still tired a lot though.

18. Easier to diet – Yes, without the booz, I don’t put on the pounds nearly as much.

19. Improved memory – No, I think that’s an ADD/SCT thing. Hopefully the meds will help with that.

I’m gonna say 9 out of 20. I’m counting 2) and 13) as half yes’s. Could be better. A little disappointing.

Overall lesson? It’s reeeally hard to change.

Despite my disappointment, I have to remind myself of my motto: feeling good without being good vs. being good without feeling good. Being able to enjoy life is only part of the goal. There’s a lot of accomplishments that I get to boast about which don’t necessarily come with good feeling: saving money, being a better role model for my children, better health, got a tattoo, have a story to tell, etc. And I have to look at the whole picture in order to assess whether this was all worthwhile–the feeling good and the being good.

Besides, I don’t even know if I can go back to drugs: my tattoo is essentially a branding, saying “I will not do drugs or alcohol.” ← That’s not something I can just go back on. I’ve also been telling people about my commitment to stay off drugs and alcohol–on ILP and elsewhere. There’s also money issues. Even when I am employed, I struggle with income. If booz were still in the picture, I’d go broke really quickly. And this is all not to mention my stomach issues, which if I went back on alcohol and caffeine, I’d probably be throwing up twice a week. So going back to the drugs and the alcohol is not even an option.

Now, it was always in the plan that by this time–when I was done with the year and a half away from drugs and alcohol–I would allow myself to experiment with new and exotic drugs–I’m done with the three categories of drugs I considered to be a problem for me: alcohol, caffeine, and cannabinoids–but it was in the plan to be open to trying out new drugs just to explore the experience. At this point, I don’t think I’m going to jump into that right away–perhaps not ever–but I’m just not going to make a decision either way–I’m done with commitments–so I’ll just let that resolve be. As it stands right now, I have no interest in experimenting with new drugs and I’m not going to disturb that. But if the time comes in the future when I’m really intrigued by the idea of exploring different altered states of consciousness, well, I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

One thing I am sure about–and this was always in the plans too–is that I’m going to get sloshed and stoned when I retire. I figure, with my life behind me at that point, who gives a f**k. What have I got to lose? But that’s a long time away, and depends on whether I get put into a retirement home or not. Plenty can change between now and then.

“So I suppose I should wrap this up with a summary of what I’ve learned over the last year and a half, and what the experience has been like. Well… I wish I could say the experience was a pleasant one. I wish I could say it was hopeful… but I can’t. I wouldn’t quite say that abstaining from drugs and alcohol, and other unhealthy, unproductive attachments was a mistake, or not worth it, but if anyone has the misconception that giving up drugs and alcohol leads to a happier, more fulfilled life, my experience proves otherwise.”

I know this is annoying, but I’m gonna say it just that it registers in your mind as something someone said.

Stopping the consumption is the essential first step, but that is all it is. I am impressed you lasted a 1 1/2, but am slightly suspicious that there may have been some level of cheating by way of medications. More than a little likely. Don’t be offended, I know because I know.

You were laughing and insulting at me way back when I was telling you it took a lot more. This is why. It is not because we want to cramp your style.

Anyway, duty fulfilled here. This is also annoying, but I reach out for me more than for you. Shalom.

Shalom, Pedro!

Glad to see someone is actually reading this?

I wouldn’t say it’s cheating at this point. I always left medication as an option after I fulfilled my commitment. At the beginning, I had to see if I could do it without medication, but now that a year and a half has gone by, I can easily draw conclusions on that front. I’m afraid I do need meds to control the ADD and the depression. Cheating would have been breaking my commitment and going on meds before the year and a half. Everything I’ve done is well within the rules I’ve set for myself. My goal was to stick to my commitments but at the same time to not make stupid commitments that end up ruining my life rather than improving it. The goal of taking care of myself remains, and meds, as long as they’re not abused, is a form of taking care of myself self.

I’m sorry you felt insulted, but please humble yourself. You don’t know what a person needs, or what counts as a good decision for their life. No one does. We’re all idiosyncratic. Your life experience is yours alone, and while drug abuse and the commitment to withdraw from it might be something we share in common, my 43 years on this planet has taught me that that’s never enough. I know the urge is there to claim an understanding of someone else’s life when your own is so similar, but that’s the first step in falling from the grace of wisdom.

Tough? Yes! Going it without drugs of some kind–whether that’s illicit or prescription–is tough. I never said it was otherwise. I didn’t insult you because I didn’t believe it. I insulted you because you came across as judgmental. You had a certain arrogance about you. ← Sorry if that still comes across as insulting, but I want to be honest with you.

I just didn’t know what to expect in the beginning. I had hopes that the depression would lift, my skills at thinking clearly and dealing with people effectively would slowly improve. At the time, I was going with the perspective that drugs, while they may make you feel good, only hold you back, dull your mind, destroy any potential you might have to be your best. Seemed to make sense to me. So naturally, the expectation was that without the drugs, improvements on this front would come naturally. But I still regarded it as experimental. I had to see whether that expectation was true or not. Now I see there is something else within me that’s doing the holding back, the dulling of the mind, and the destroying of my potential, something that overwhelmingly eclipsed any effects the drugs could ever have had. And I’m not sure what to do about it. The very nature of this thing (ADD/SCT) has been shown repeatedly in the literature to be biologically hardwired, there for life, with very few non-medical coping strategies being adequately effective. So meds seems to be the only viable option.

I’m not overly worried about this. What I want is to improve my life, not to prove anything to anybody, certainly not to prove my conviction to stick to a commitment no matter how much it isn’t working, and I’m trying to be very practical about how to do this. Meds may be a form of “drug use” but it was never about the drug use itself, it was about the destructive effects of the drug use, and I don’t see how meds for ADD/SCT are more likely to be destructive than constructive. So it seems to be the most logical and prudent choice to make at this point.

Hey Gib, its a pretty interesting ordeal youve got going here. I appreciate that you took the time to see this through and report on it. Its science, if nothing else.

What occurs to me simply is that society is not healthy enough for you to simply get better by being inside of it without the states of costly joy with had overtaken your life rhythms.

All I believe as far as true restoration is concerned is harsh treatment like the Russian shamans did, using a lot of ice water and physical exertion.

You take drugs because they genuinely expand experience.
No need to assume that experience simply shrinks back to its original form and is content with that.
One can never simply correct a drug-influenced physiology back into place - one can do without drugs very well if one simply has a reason for the endorphins to activate without them. These aren’t going to be knitting circles or yoga classes, nor self-disciplined karate or something - they need to be shamanic, “crazy” - one simply needs the craziness to continue without the drugs somehow.

We do use drugs for a reason. We evolved on them. Addictions are just addiction to a certain evolutionary mechanism. DNA gets addicted. DNA can get us out.

That means I suppose Im with Reich on this too - DNA activation is after all based in sex. Regeneration has to draw on sexual impulses, these have to be brought to couple with the Earth of ones soul. If Id be to put it in yogic terms it’d be a mulahadara-swadhisthana path that needs be forged. and from there on, to the ego, manipura.
The holy grail of the recovering addict is to restore the ego, and I believe the ego can only be built from the ground up.
The higher centres form rather an impediment to reconstruction of the ego until they are “enlisted by the dirt”.

Earf - by Ceres!
Thrive, you weird chemical experiments.

“What I want is to improve my life, not to prove anything to anybody,”

As long as this is true, I think you’re on the right path. Unfortunately though, for what I am offering, you have to get to admit that before improving your life, it is about stopping the destruction. It has to hurt, you have to allow yourself to feel the extent of it. Because the means are so harsh, self-improvement is not really nearly enough of a reason. To begin with.

Shalom

At my rehab, we call him the Enano. I guess that’s literally midget, but it also has all the connotations of dwarf and leprechaun and troll. I guess in our case the real translation would be gnome.

Sometimes he’s pale and horrible, more often he is cute and friendly.

That you have pinpointed him speaks of an acute philosophical mind and is an important step, too. He’s a thirsty bastard, he is.

I’ll even give you a sneak peek (to our thing): the entire thing is about becoming friends with him. Learning to pamper him. For you cannot ever, ever defeat him. He is stronger than you. No matter what, if there is ever a choice between what he says and something else, it will always be what he says. You can test this out. And perhaps ask yourself: was it the king that decided you have ADD and need medication for it, or was it Wormtoungue? I mean I think that’s kind of rude, calling him that. But who’s idea was it really?

And a warning: if you truly have been abstaining, to some degree, for 1 1/2 years, he will be very thirsty. And he is insidious, it might not happen the first or third time you drink or do some drug. Like amphetamines.

Annoyingly, FC is right philosophically. But that is absolutely useless knowledge as far as stopping the destruction goes. For that, you can only really trust people that have the same thing and have figured out a way to lead a happy, a HAPPY life, withoud drugs or alcohol.

“Like a motherfucker,” my rehab therapist used to say. We were all spitting at him in our minds. Hah.

Btw, it is possible I am arrogant. Sobriety doesn’t cure that, unfortunately.

I know it’s unlikely, but if you tell me the city you live in, I can tell you which rehab I would recommend, just so you have it in your records.

Well, as scientific as one can get in these matters. Make no mistake, I’m steeped in bias and prejudice, preconceptions and misconceptions. How can one not be in this kind of affair? But I think there is something to having a scientific attitude, or trying to at least. That is, an attitude of trying to be as objective as one can, and relying heavily on experimentation for your conclusions. Time is key too. That’s why my two month stints were never satisfactory. A year and a half is a lot more time, enough to allow certain persistent patterns to emerge and be noticed.

That’s one of the more noble reasons, but it is unfortunately far too often not the main reason people do drugs. Most the time, people do drugs to get a buzz, to feel good. And yes, the experience of intense euphoria might count as an expansion of experience well beyond the normal range of sober brains, but if this is all you do, it gets old quickly. The continual practice of expanding experience requires expansion in different directions–one time into euphoria, the next into visuals, another into profound insight, and even into dark hellish places. ← The willingness to delve into hell as a means of exploring experience is what sets apart the men from the boys, the true psychonaughts from the junkies. I always bring up salvia divinorum as the prime example–an altered state of consciousness for sure, yet anything but pleasant.

Right. You can’t just have an experience and expect it not to change you. You remember it even after it fades from consciousness.

Yes, or perhaps deep fulfillment.

We’re addicted to everything we need to survive–more than we can ever be to drugs–we’re addicted to food, to water, to the air we breath. Drugs hijack the areas of the brain that are addicted to these things and replace them.

So what does this mean? That one cannot rebuild one’s ego based on prior drug experiences? That one must be “reborn” in a sense, as though he completely forgets his prior drug experiences?

While I appreciate your words, I’m not sure I understand them.

What do you mean “self-improvement is not really nearly enough of a reason”? What other reason do you have in mind? Do you mean self-improvement is not motivation enough?

And while I agree that stopping the destruction comes first on the path to self-improvement, I’m not sure whether you’re insinuating that I’m not doing that. (I feel that I am; I’m not sure how it could be otherwise). And you said “for what I am offering”… what are you offering that I’m not taking? We both seem to be talking about self-improvement. Are you offering a different kind of self-improvement? A different path to it? One that requires the admission that stopping the destruction has to come first? As though one could alternatively walk the path to self-improvement without this admission?

^ I’m confused.

Are you sure we’re talking about the same thing?

Yes, every drug user will attest to an inner “demon” that drives and haunts him, but my metaphor of Wormtongue and King Theoden is very specific and grounded on something very concrete: neurology. It’s a metaphor for the primitive brain (specifically the amygdala) and the rational brain (the frontal cortex). Neurologists know that these two brain areas play off each other and antagonize each other. The primitive brain is our emotional brain. It’s the animal brain. It runs on impulses, instinct, and immediate gratification, and it is built to react to negative/dangerous circumstances. This is why it is associated with negative emotions: fear, anger, and depression. It is responsible for the fight/flight response. The rational brain on the other hand is the thinking part of the brain. It’s responsible for our rationality and logic, and tends to be associated more with positive emotion. We are calm when we think with our rational brain. These two brains antagonize each other. They bear an inhibitory relation to each other. This is why one’s mind goes blank when overcome with fear. That’s the primitive brain turning off rational thinking. This is why we do and say things we later regret when we’re angry. This is the primitive brain suppression our better judgement and saying irrational and emotional things. This is why when we’re under high degrees of stress, we make poor decisions and bone-head mistakes.

The Wormtongue/Theoden metaphor also stands for the ADD/SCT brain specifically (or at least, my brain specifically). The ADD/SCT brain, at least the kind I have, tends to have a weak rational brain and a strong primitive brain. Thus the Wormtongue side of one’s self tends to dominate most of the time. The Theoden side of one’s self, in turn, tends to be stuck in a fog most of the time. In reality, it’s not as black and white as that, but it is closer to that than the average person.

Anyway, yes, the Wormtongue side tends to feel like a kind of “demon” or “gremlin”, and with child-like impulses and the animal-like need for immediate gratification, it would crave the kind of reinforcing stimulation that drugs can provide. If it wasn’t for the rational brain exerting it’s dominance, one would just give in to it.

Yes, you can never kill it (short of going for a lobotomy). It is part of your being. But I don’t know if it’s always stronger than one’s self. It is a part of one’s self, so its strength is your strength. The rational brain is also a part of one’s self. Whatever strength it can muster against the primitive brain is also your strength. If you tie this into neurology, like I did above, you can make the case that it depends on the person. Different brain parts will have different strengths from individual to individual. There are tons of people who have incredible self-control and powerful positive thinking. They’re rational brains are far more developed than their primitive brains. Even with normal people (or just myself), it depends on the environment they’re in and what’s going on in their lives at the moment. When things are calm and everything’s going OK, the rational brain dominates. The primitive brain rests. And then it also depends on what the primitive brain wants. If I’m trying to diet but I’m hungry, my primitive brain might twist my rubber arm and convince me to stop at the nearest KFC. But once inside, I’m not going to grab the food of the people sitting next to me. I’ll wait patiently for my order. The rational brain will always exert some level of control depending on what the primitive brain is asking of it.

I think I agree, however, that it might be a better strategy to pamper the demon rather than fight against him. But that’s tricky. The demon is like a little child, demanding candy without finishing his vegetables. As a parent, you don’t want to give into the child and just give him candy before he finishes his vegetables, but you want to do it in a loving, nurturing way, a way that sooths the child and makes him feel cared for rather than tyrannized. But how do you do that? As a parent, I can tell you it’s extremely difficult to always find a way to avoid a fight with your child while at the same time be responsible and loving. Overall, however, there is usually a clear “right” decision. If it’s a choice between letting my child have candy without finishing his vegetables and insisting that he finish his vegetables before getting candy, clearly I’m going to choose the latter. It’s the responsible thing to do. It’s what’s best for the child. Just the same, there is usually a clear “right” decision when taking care of one’s self. I won’t always know how to appease my primitive brain when it wants drugs (or anything) without giving into its demands, but clearly to give into its demands would not be responsible or caring of myself.

“was it the king that decided you have ADD and need medication for it, or was it Wormtoungue?”

Neither! It was doctors, several of them. I was diagnosed with ADD in grade 3, went on ritalin. It worked! At least as far as my education went. I took a test at the beginning of 2016. It showed I had it. My therapist today thinks I still have the condition (and typically, one has the condition all one’s life). I exhibit all the symptoms. Others with ADD who tell their stories match my own experiences exactly. So you tell me. Is that Theodon style thinking or Wormtongue. You think I just convinced myself I have ADD so that I could do drugs? Have I been convincing myself since grade 3? Did I predict back then that I would become a druggie and would need something to excuse my use of amphetamines? I think you need to believe this. You appear to reeeally have the I-told-you-so itch. The proof is in the pudding. We’ll see if it works or not.

“I mean I think that’s kind of rude, calling him that.”

Talk to J. R. R. Tolkien. That’s the character’s name!

Ha! You just can’t believe it, can you?

No, but you can.

Calgary.

“Ha! You just can’t believe it, can you?”

No, I’ve seen it. It’s just very rare. It is true about 3% of the times it is claimed. Some kind of antidepressant, prescribed by a doc of course, is the norm.

Honest to goodness, this is the only one I can honestly recommend. It’s not in Alberta, but it’s in Canada. Lot of people out there with a lot of bullshit and very expensive feel-good programs that will be better at taking your money than keeping you sober. Also, listen, don’t read about it. If you ever personally decide you need treatment, you have all the internet to research and discover. Keep this one as a “fuck it I’ll trust Pedro or not” kind of thing. Quitting drugs is not an intellectual thing, and will be actually extremely intellectually offensive. What we were talking about before, yes, the only reason you would put yourself through it is that you refuse to take another second of this shit. If you need help paying for the travel, and even for the the rehab, I will help.

I did not on purpose choose a place very close to where I live, I swear to God. I think maybe the further east you move, the less prone to fucking native american holistic healing with jacuzzis you will be.

Anyway, like I said. Don’t look too much. If you ever want to, now you have it in your records.

andyshouse.com

Here’s all I will say about it and why I think, if ever you find yourself needing it, you can trust it: it is run by an addict (25 years sober).

You do not want to be lectured or coddled or whatever by some fucking weirdo psychologist. It takes one to know one. I mean this one is a psychologist, but after the fact.

No, I guess they do hire non-addicts to help. But listen, nothing is perfect, and it is run by an addict, that is the part that really matters, the non-negotiable. Think about how people all your life who aren’t addicts have looked at you or thought about you. Just because they study psychology and want to be heroes doesn’t change that. You gotta have an addict.

In a pinch, a public rehab will do.

Even AA will do if you have the stones.