[b]John Fowles from The Collector
Just because you can’t express your feelings it doesn’t mean they’re not deep.[/b]
As often as not, quite the opposite.
I could scream abuse at him all day long; he wouldn’t mind at all. It’s me he wants, my look, my outside; not my emotions or my mind or my soul or even my body. Not anything human.
Though he’d swear it was love.
I’ve been sitting here and thinking about God. I don’t think I believe in God any more. It is not only me, I think of all the millions who must have lived like this in the war. The Anne Franks. And back through history. What I feel I know now is that God doesn’t intervene. He lets us suffer. If you pray for liberty then you may get relief just because you pray, or because things happen anyhow which bring you liberty. But God can’t hear. There’s nothing human like hearing or seeing or pitying or helping about him. I mean perhaps God has created the world and the fundamental laws of matter and evolution. But he can’t care about the individuals. He’s planned it so some individuals are happy, some sad, some lucky, some not. Who is sad, who is not, he doesn’t know, and he doesn’t care. So he doesn’t exist, really.
Sure, why not, right?
Why should people have money if they don’t know how to use it?
On the other hand, he pointed out, you need it just to subsist from day to day.
He has that selfishness – it’s not even an honest selfishness, because he puts the blame on life and then enjoys being selfish with a free conscience.
So, is your own selfishness honest?
We all want things we can’t have. Being a decent human being is accepting that.
Among other things, he groused, fuck that.