Hey Mags, I’ve been meaning to ask: what are those gold capsule supposed to represent?
I guess the prostitutes take too much of the business. Still, Id say it should appeal a much larger segment of the actual population.
Im not aware Amsterdam ever had enough glamour to have a quarter deserving that name.
It’s all either tremendously seedy or unfathomably smug. I don’t hate the city, but going out at night really feels like going into a sewer with a lot of hungry rats.
…a simple attempt to inject humour into my digestive plight. I might buy one for my birthday… as long as it’s non-allergenic. My avatar too is reflective of current mood… in both persona and posture.
After such historical infamy, you would think that it would have gained it by now… along with a touch of glamour.
Oooh, what’s the unfathomably smug set like? as we all already know what seedy is.
That’s cities for ya… so you just gotta know what kinda sewer you’re going into, as it will always be a given that they are there and therefore unavoidable.
Today’s September 1st baby! Two months and a day–longest I’ve gone without drugs or alcohol (well, except when I was a kid).
I bet your body’s lovin you? 
I bet it is, especially my stomach. I was starting to develop some serious stomach issues near the end there, and I know my stomach’s thanking me now. Yet another reason not to go back.
I finally got my tattoo touch ups today. Check it out:
(Please try to ignore the back hair!)
So again, this not only symbolizes my quitting of drugs and alcohol, but is instrumental in keeping me off drugs and alcohol. I’ve basically branded myself with a statement: I will not do drugs and alcohol. So I can’t just go back now.
It’s not quite the original drawing:
But I’ve learn something about the art of tattooing: not any drawing is transferable. Sometimes, you gotta let the tattoo artist customize it to best suite the purpose. Several things come into consideration: the shape of your body (where the tattoo is going), the thickness of the lines, how the color will fade over time, and generally what looks good as a tattoo as opposed to a drawing on paper. But in any case, my tattoo artist certainly captured the essence of it and I’m happy with his work.
So far I’ve spent a lot of money on this transition in my life. Almost $1000 for the tattoo, $2000 for the Dale Carnegie course, $180 every visit to my therapist… quite the investment for someone who isn’t taking this seriously.
I also wanted to show everyone this:
I have this hanging up on my bedroom wall. It’s to remind myself of all the reasons not to do drugs and alcohol (and it’s not exhaustive… there’s about 5 other reasons on the other side). Note my number 1 reason: Cassidy & Kaden, my two children. ← So again, not very serious.
I also had a talk with my kids the other day about how they like their dad before and after the drugs & alcohol. I asked them:
“Do you guys notice any difference in me before I quit the drugs and alcohol and now?”
Cassidy: “Mmm… no, not really.”
Daddy: “Do you guys feel maybe I hurt you when I was on drugs and alcohol? Like I was abusive?”
Cassidy: “Abusive? What do you mean?”
Daddy: “Well, some people on ILP think maybe I did you guys harm when I was on drugs and alcohol or that I was abusive.”
Cassidy laughs: “Who thinks that?!?!”
Daddy: “Arc does. Some other guy named Pedro. But sometimes it’s true. Some alcoholic or drug addict parents end up abusing their children. Arc’s mom was like that. But she thinks it’s the alcohol itself that makes the parent abusive. The alcohol can exacerbate the abuse but usually an abusive parent is abusive for a much deeper reason, something that was there long before they started drinking alcohol. In fact, the alcohol is usually more a symptom than a cause. But not all alcoholic or drug addict parents are like that. I hope I wasn’t like that with you guys.”
Kaden: “Well, we WERE, daddy!!! You were a TERRIBLE daddy!!! You were just sooo terrible!!!” ← He said it with a huge grin on his face. He likes to joke around like that.
I’m also reminded of something Cas said to me the other day: “You’re an awesome daddy.”
Me: “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”
Cas: “Because when I jump into your arms, you catch me and you hold me.”
Me: “Yeah? Other daddies don’t do that?”
Cas: “No, most of them say they’re too tired, or too busy, or some other excuse. But you don’t.”
Now just in case I have inflicted irreversible damage on my kids and we’re all in denial about it (as Arc and Pedro are bound to point out), I’m going to schedule a visit to my son’s therapist probably sometimes in October. She’s a child psychologist who would know the signs of abuse in children, maybe even due to alcohol or drug addiction, and I’m going to ask her if she’s seen any signs of that in Kaden. I’ll report back with the results.
ra ra
what is the connection between these two pictures and this thread?
Good stufflings.
So I checked out an AA meeting Friday night. I was awarded a coin for lasting 3 months! Everyone thought it was a huge deal. And I guess it was, but I think they thought so more than I did.
What was it like? Meh… it was all right. I didn’t really feel like I fit in. Everyone there had much more grueling stories than I could ever tell. Stories about going to jail, about bring caught in a cycle of drinking themselves silly every day just to get over the hangover from the previous day, of isolating themselves from their families, about rehab and detoxification. My alcoholism was never that bad. My weakness consisted of sometimes telling myself: gib, no drinking tonight, and then failing, going to the liquor store to buy 100ml of whiskey. Sometimes, not all the time. Overall, I felt like those guys at the meeting were at a whole other level of addiction than I was.
It made me feel like I shouldn’t be calling myself an alcoholic. Maybe I never really was.
One of the heads of the group said he was going to call me sometime this week. Not sure what he wants to talk about, but I’m sure it will involve encouragement to come to the meetings regularly or to keep in contact with him or other members. I might have to go into some detail about my experiences, my intentions, my condition, etc. which is fine, I’ll go through the motions, but I feel uncomfortable about going back there. I went to check it out, see what it’s like, but I don’t think it’s for me.
Now there is another program: the SMART program (Self-Management and Recovery Training). Check it out: addictioncenter.com/treatme … -recovery/. A friend recommended it. She said it was a more hands-off and non-religious approach to recovery. I intend to check it out in the same vein that I checked out AA… just to see what it’s like, to see if it’s for me, but no intention of committing. I’ll post an update here once I go.
I also found my energy specialist (a naturopath), but I’ll report more on that later.
As I said last time, I intended to pay a visit to my son’s therapist to ask if she’s noticed any signs of abuse whether drug/alcohol related or otherwise. I went yesterday. She emphatically said no. She’s seen a lot of troubled kids and she knows the signs of abuse. She said with confidence that she had no reason to suspect my son was being raised by an alcoholic or drug abusing parent. I had never told her about my problem with drugs and alcohol until yesterday. She said my son is just a difficult child by temperament, and that his hot temper is most likely genetic.
In fact, she thinks my ex and I are very caring parents and it’s obvious that we put our children’s needs well ahead of our own. She told me in cases where the parents who bring their children to see her are divorced or separated, usually it’s the mother bringing them in and the father never comes for a visit. While my ex and I don’t go at the same time, I try to make the occasional visit, and she tells me I’m one of the rare fathers who actually bother.
So that puts that one to rest.
Oh yeah, that guy from the AA meeting? Never called.
Perhaps you were just more of a high-end social drinker…?
Since (being able to) going back to weights, I’ve practically gone off alcohol, so substitutions we find pleasurable/enjoying, or in my case… re-substitutions… of which there are still very few, resolve the need for recreational use of social drinking etc.
Went to a SMART meeting. I liked it a bit better than AA. If AA is about relying on others because you are powerless to do it yourself, SMART is all about self-empowerment. They give you the tools to change yourself. Tonight, we talked a bit about strategies for changing your thought patterns. Unlike at the AA meeting, no one there really got a chance to tell their stories, so I didn’t quite feel like a fish out of water. Doesn’t mean it’s a policy. Maybe next meeting will be all about diving into people’s stories.
This won’t be a regular occurrence, but I might go again. And not just because I liked it a bit better than AA, but because I know a girl there who I really, really, really like. Unfortunately, she doesn’t think it’s a good idea for us to date (for reasons I will not disclose), but she seems to like me anyway, and I really enjoy being around her. So if going for my own sake isn’t motivation enough, maybe she is.
I wonder if Arc would approve of this.
My book is done! All three volumes are available online here and here.
Woopie!!! 
So why post this in this thread?
Because, my friends, because! If anyone’s been paying attention, you might have noticed that sometimes I say that my drug abstinence is permanent, other times a year, maybe a year and a half. What’s permanent is my decision to abstain from the three categories of addiction: alcohol, caffeine, and cannibinoids. But strictly and formally speaking, my plan has always included a release valve. After a year, maybe a year and a half, I would return to my decision to quit drugs and alcohol and consider whether I wanted to experiment with other kinds of drugs–you know, rare and exotic kinds, ones no one’s ever heard of–I was sure to satiate my curiosity before July 1 with the usual suspects–cocaine, ecstasy, acid, mushrooms–the only one I regret not having had the chance to try is peyote, but I sadly accept my losses. But there are plenty of rare specimens out there–naturally grown and produced in a lab–and they’re discovering new ones every day.
So a year after July 1, maybe a year and a half, I might end up going back to drugs–not alcohol, not caffeine, not cannabinoids–this time around knowing how not to get addicted… but in all likelihood not. You see, this is only a formality of my plan. Here’s where the other phrasing comes in–the one that goes, “I give up all drugs and alcohol forever” ← That’s the one I’ve really been going with. It’s just not formal. So in all likelihood, in a year from July 1, maybe a year and a half, my decision will be not to experiment with new and exotic kinds of drugs, to stick to absolute abstinence all together and forever.
Now then, what does that have to do with my book? Well, I no longer half to say “a year, maybe a year and a half”–as of December 5, it is officially one more year–not a bad estimate if I do say so myself (you know, Dec 5 of 2019 will be almost a year and a half from July 1). Dec 5 was the official day I completed all 3 volumes of my book.
This is important to my goal and gives you all a larger picture of what I’m trying to achieve here. Giving up drugs and alcohol is part of a larger goal of “letting go”–letting go of unhealthy attachments. Drugs and alcohol were one of them, my book was another. Why is my book unhealthy, you ask? I wouldn’t call it “unhealthy” per se, but it’s been a distraction for me, something that sucked a lot of time and energy from me that could have been, and now can be, put towards more important things. This was the same for the drugs. I now feel like there are no more “selfish” attachments in my life. I will experience one year of what this is like, and see what I can do with my life sans unhealthy attachments and selfish distractions.
I bet it’s a nice book, though.
Good read, Eternal Warrior. What’s it from?
It’s from the ass-kicking that I gave to so many other things after they fallaciously gave me the ass-kicking they thought that I deserved.
As in, I actually wrote it myself and came up with it myself. You’re still struggling. This is where you fall down and go boom and when you begin to realize just how little you actually succeeded in getting off drugs and alcohol because you went about it the wrong way. This is when you begin to realize how right I was months ago and where your failed success gets seen for what it is. Will you redeem yourself by the time your life is over? Certainly, especially since there is no way for you to take back this current course of idiocy that you’ve been on. It’ll help you succeed and when you succeed, you’ll realize how much I knew before you did and how stupid and idiot your gloating and laughter has been. How false your smugness.
You, Pedro, and Arc… three peas in a pod. You all seem to want to send a nebulous message that my success doesn’t count, that somehow it’s really “failure”. I gotta tell you, I really don’t get it. I don’t get the punch line. Was I supposed to stay on the drugs until I’m “ready”–whatever that means–did I quit for the “wrong” reasons? Are you still waiting in the wings for my impending doom? Are you under the impression I’ve already fallen? That I’m back on the booz and the drugs?
Come out with what you want to say, instead of being all vague and mysterious. Then at least I can know whether to agree or disagree with you.
You’re pissing me off. You’ve got an attitude problem about me simply using my own life experience to look at where you are, know by the tone of your body language, how you lay your words, where you are in your life, your experiences, etc. and put it down to you exactly how it was going to be. Your reaction now; petulance; only shows this to be true. Your very emotion as you typed up ‘this’ reply is something palpable and able to be felt. You’re in the moment, instead of distanced and couldn’t help but respond naturally.
When I was younger, I was having trouble in school and decided to go into Job Corps. Before I went in, my step-dad told me I was going to fail. He used his life experiences to size up where I was at as a child and I was a bit upset about him telling me, but he did turn out to be right. It’s one of those things where I learned how to overcome people telling me I was going to fail. That reason coincided with actual emotional growth in my life and made it easier for me to seize success later on for other things.
I’m sure you’ve heard people talk about how the places they grow up in are black holes they can’t escape from. Same concept.
My own experiences with drugs and alcohol… mixed with watching the experiences of others that were going through rehab; the ‘buzz’ or ‘word’ passing around society at the time, etcetera.
When I quit drinking, it was after I wrecked my car. I didn’t wreck my car because I was drinking, I wrecked it because there was gravel on the road. The loss of my car; and I loved that car; coincided with me wanting to get my head on straight and quit doing ‘stupid’ things while drunk. Things that ‘dont exist’, including my own weak emotional psychology and mind at the time (I’ve since strengthened my mind quite a bit) were causing me to do things I wasn’t proud of. My lack of self-worth and insecurities and inadequacies mixed into it had me being able to be talked into doing things that I have been ashamed of and easier for me to be too weak to fight off the other things that I also was ashamed of. Without getting too much into detail about those things, I’m sure you can relate. You don’t see those things the same way I do because you have yet to be broken, which means that you are weaker than I was throughout all the personal experiences I’ve listed in this response. You’re at the point of making excuses for the things you do, even while sober.
My drinking was starting to get out of hand when I wrecked my car and I was starting to turn into an alcoholic. I quit drinking for a couple months before the urge to drink came up again. That’s where you are, pushing off the urges and trying to consider yourself healthy for it, successful. What I did that was different than you? I realized the urge to drink again for what it was and what it could be: I like drinking and drugs, and if I ran from that; like you’ve been doing the entire time you’ve claimed to be clean; then my fall would be worse just like those people in rehab and AA. So, what I did was choose to drink again, to allow myself to face that fear instead of run from it and fought to keep my mind during drinking and using drugs.
You’re still running. When you stop running, when the urges catch up to you again and you ‘binge’ as you’re going to do, it’s going to be worse than you’ve ever had it be before, but it will make you strong enough to start fighting the way that I’ve already been fighting. Since my first response in this thread, I have had time to learn many other things, get my mind to a more cohesive and sharper edge to where now I can pick up on things about you that were impossible for me to do before. My mind is ‘clearer’ even when on drugs and alcohol. Your mind remains fogged and cloudy even while sober.