I finally got my tattoo touch ups today. Check it out:
(Please try to ignore the back hair!)
So again, this not only symbolizes my quitting of drugs and alcohol, but is instrumental in keeping me off drugs and alcohol. I’ve basically branded myself with a statement: I will not do drugs and alcohol. So I can’t just go back now.
It’s not quite the original drawing:
But I’ve learn something about the art of tattooing: not any drawing is transferable. Sometimes, you gotta let the tattoo artist customize it to best suite the purpose. Several things come into consideration: the shape of your body (where the tattoo is going), the thickness of the lines, how the color will fade over time, and generally what looks good as a tattoo as opposed to a drawing on paper. But in any case, my tattoo artist certainly captured the essence of it and I’m happy with his work.
So far I’ve spent a lot of money on this transition in my life. Almost $1000 for the tattoo, $2000 for the Dale Carnegie course, $180 every visit to my therapist… quite the investment for someone who isn’t taking this seriously.
I also wanted to show everyone this:
I have this hanging up on my bedroom wall. It’s to remind myself of all the reasons not to do drugs and alcohol (and it’s not exhaustive… there’s about 5 other reasons on the other side). Note my number 1 reason: Cassidy & Kaden, my two children. ← So again, not very serious.
I also had a talk with my kids the other day about how they like their dad before and after the drugs & alcohol. I asked them:
“Do you guys notice any difference in me before I quit the drugs and alcohol and now?”
Cassidy: “Mmm… no, not really.”
Daddy: “Do you guys feel maybe I hurt you when I was on drugs and alcohol? Like I was abusive?”
Cassidy: “Abusive? What do you mean?”
Daddy: “Well, some people on ILP think maybe I did you guys harm when I was on drugs and alcohol or that I was abusive.”
Cassidy laughs: “Who thinks that?!?!”
Daddy: “Arc does. Some other guy named Pedro. But sometimes it’s true. Some alcoholic or drug addict parents end up abusing their children. Arc’s mom was like that. But she thinks it’s the alcohol itself that makes the parent abusive. The alcohol can exacerbate the abuse but usually an abusive parent is abusive for a much deeper reason, something that was there long before they started drinking alcohol. In fact, the alcohol is usually more a symptom than a cause. But not all alcoholic or drug addict parents are like that. I hope I wasn’t like that with you guys.”
Kaden: “Well, we WERE, daddy!!! You were a TERRIBLE daddy!!! You were just sooo terrible!!!” ← He said it with a huge grin on his face. He likes to joke around like that.
I’m also reminded of something Cas said to me the other day: “You’re an awesome daddy.”
Me: “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”
Cas: “Because when I jump into your arms, you catch me and you hold me.”
Me: “Yeah? Other daddies don’t do that?”
Cas: “No, most of them say they’re too tired, or too busy, or some other excuse. But you don’t.”
Now just in case I have inflicted irreversible damage on my kids and we’re all in denial about it (as Arc and Pedro are bound to point out), I’m going to schedule a visit to my son’s therapist probably sometimes in October. She’s a child psychologist who would know the signs of abuse in children, maybe even due to alcohol or drug addiction, and I’m going to ask her if she’s seen any signs of that in Kaden. I’ll report back with the results.