You know guys, I feel great!
There’s been a lot of great things happening in my life recently. I’m really excited to start my new job at ATB Financial on Tuesday. I’ll be making more money than I ever dreamed possible, and maybe even have a spring board to start a small business. Also, everyone at ACM Facility Safety (where I currently work) is being really nice to me, making me feel I’ll be missed. On top of that, I just finished the first class of the Dale Carnegie course (as I stated in the last post) and I’m all excited about that. And to top it all off, I had a lot of fun digging into you guys.
Believe it or not, I get a rush out of just slamming arrogant pricks on ILP. I love the slaughter, seeing you bleed blue. ← I’m twisted that way.
In any case, it’s like the cherry on top of this high I’m currently on, this rush. I’m told by my therapist that this is dopamine. And I’m finding in the past few days that dopamine seems to act like a perfect substitute to caffeine. I’ve always wondered what the natural neurochemical was that caffeine mimics. I learned that I shouldn’t assume that there is just one… for any drug. For caffeine, there seems to be two. About a week after July 1, I regained my body energy and alertness, but I didn’t feel the same kind of buzz (excitement, euphoria, racing thoughts, ability to put my words together, urge to socialize) until I went through the occasional moments when something picked me up–some fortuitous event, some happy circumstance, something that made me smile–and then I started to feel a bit of a caffeine rush. I guess that’s dopamine. Dopamine’s the second chemical (still not sure what the first one is–what makes you alert/energized?). I only asked that I achieve maybe feeling like I’m on one cup of coffee, but this feels like two. I find it amazing that this is coming on the natch. It’s not like a switch I can flick whenever I want, or a pill I can pop, but it’s definitely happening without the caffeine (Arc, that’s item #5 on the list you linked me to).
I have you guys to thank for that. You stuck your necks out for me to figuratively chop off. You are the substitutes to the drugs. You make me feel alive.
Maybe better not feed the beast.
I’m also wondering if it’s the affirmations I’ve been practicing lately. My therapist has me doing these meditative and breathing exercises which involve reciting an affirmation I tell myself. In the past couple days, I told myself: “I will feel like I’m on one cup of coffee.” ← Even if this is just the placebo effect, it’s working.
Now, I’m starting to see maaaybe how this can become a struggle. I’m up late, losing sleep, and I have a bit of an urge to go to the strip club and drink. Caffeine has always been the “gateway” drug for me. I used to call myself a conditional alcoholic–conditional on the caffeine–cause I’d only want to drink if I was jacked. That changed after a while and I became a regular ol’ alcoholic.
But now I’m feeling a bit of an urge. Don’t worry, it’s still nothing serious… but I can see how thoughts might covertly sneak in there.
So what to do? I think it would be wise to learn how to turn it off as much as to turn it on–these dopamine chems–mind control remains the key priority. But I also see this as a golden opportunity. If I’m lucky enough to learn how to turn on and off the dopamine receptors like flicking a light switch, maybe it’ll be time to jump to the next step–learn to turn on or off the receptors for alcohol (or whatever the natural equivalent in the brain is for alcohol). I don’t want to give in to the urge to drink at the strip club. I want to go to the strip club, snap my fingers, and naturally get drunk with nothing but the sheer power of thought. I’ll get a kick out the fact that I won’t need a single drop of alcohol and my wallet stays full.
Hmmm… possibilities… aaalll the possibilities.
But first things first… learn to turn it off–get enough sleep–before plowing ahead. Learn to crawl before walking. Learn to walk before running. Learn to run before soaring… right?