I don’t need to be a fly on the wall of your life to be more impartial than you, especially if we’re talking about my life. I’ve had 41 years of experience with myself; I have direct access to my inner world, my personal memories, my tastes, my desires, my deepest most hidden secrets; and I have a lot more experience with my own children than you do. You don’t even know if the person I present myself as on ILP is the real me; you have no idea when I’m lying and when I’m not. You’ve never met me, we’ve never talked person-to-person.
The way I see it, Arc, there is some truth to the idea that others can be more impartial about ourselves than we can (even though we are ourselves), but I find this idea is often misunderstood and misused (abused?) in discussions. People try to leverage this idea as if it were true of the whole person–but it’s actually very rarely true; the rare occasions when it’s true are usually those when it’s over something very difficult for the individual to come to terms with and easy for the other person because they don’t have a stake in it. But this happens maybe 10% of the time, and it involves maybe a small piece of the pie that is the whole person or the person’s life. Even then, there’s numerous other things to consider; for example, you’d still have to somehow confirm that the other person isn’t projecting their own issues and prejudices on the individual; most people do bring their issues and prejudice to bear on judging other people, making others less impartial than one’s self. Also, being impartial or having no stake sometimes means not caring enough to really look into the matter so that your opinion is at least a little bit informed rather than a knee jerk reaction; for a third thing, you’d really have to be someone close to the individual, someone like a good friend or a family member–definitely not some anonymous person you happen to know on an internet forum–otherwise, you’re competing against a whole lifetime of experience and knowledge (like my 41 years of experience with myself compared to your, what? Maybe a couple days worth, cumulatively, of reading exchanging on ILP?); and of course, being a close friend or relative can make you less impartial, not more, right?
How 'bout the fact that you confuse your experience growing up with your mother for expert impartial insight into my life and who I am, and how that’s affecting my children? I wouldn’t make that leap when judging others. If I were raised by an alcoholic, I would at least consider the fact that that makes me biased.
Also, I’ve had my IQ tested and I show an exceptional aptitude for what Gardner called “intrapersonal intelligence”–the intelligence to know one’s self. We all have this ability to one extent or another; it’s when we lie to yourselves or go into denial, but then find a moment when we can drop the act and temporarily admit to ourselves the truth and what we’re really doing. While this doesn’t mean I don’t ever go into denial, or distort the truth on myself, or play psychological games with myself unconsciously, it does mean that I have the ability to put that on hold for a moment and admit to myself the truth and what my motives are for playing these self-directed mind games; it’s what I call the “higher self” within. To me, the experience is like becoming someone else; that is, treating myself as though I were another person; it thereby becomes a lot more like trying to make a psychological assessment of another person–not having to get by defense mechanisms and assaults to the ego–being more “impartial” in a sense–which really helps in nurturing self-awareness.
Easier in what way? Are you asking wouldn’t it be easier if our brains were naturally wired differently, if we were a different species without the propensity to be insulted when someone attacks our values? I can imagine it would be easier not having to deal with hurt feelings and anger, but we were created this way for a reason.
Personally, I try to exercise choice. I recognize, first and foremost, that this is a discussion forum, which means that I don’t have to respond… now or ever. Then I allow myself time. Time to reflect, to think creatively on a response, to decide on how to respond, if at all. Letting some insult go and not responding is one option I allow myself, but not the only one. Having enough time to think of an appropriate response often results in coming up with better things than letting go and not responding (better in my estimation, at least)–I allow for that option too–and I’m usually quite satisfied with whatever I choose. What I try to watch out for are situations where I find myself getting all caught up in defensiveness and frustration–you know, the negative emotions–responding reactively, almost in a panic, rather than proactively. ← Then I feel like I’m just feeding negative unhealthy emotions where making the decision to let go much earlier would have been better.
In brief… choice and time, not following a self-imposed rule, is what makes discussions like this most enjoyable to me. ← I don’t know if that’s the same as “easier” but it is the most fulfilling to me.
TBH, I’m not oblivious to the fact that July 1 will be an attempt; even decisions are attempts, and it could be a catastrophic failure; I’m just choosing not to think of it that way. Like I said, my thoughts and attitude towards this are just as instrumental as they are reflections on truth–they are meant to create the truth just as much as to predict it. It’s like an athlete competing in the 100 meter sprint. Typically, with 7 other competitors, he stands a chance of 1 in 8. But he doesn’t tell himself this. He doesn’t say: I’ve only got a 1 in 8 chance of winning. He tells himself: I am going to win. ← It may not guarantee the win in his pocket, but it just might bump up his chances a bit higher than 1 in 8.
Beh… that’s a good question. Can I sit on it?
I know I want happiness, but that’s the animal side of me. What would a higher being choose? I think a higher being might choose meaningfulness and from that, draw out happiness.
Yes, I like to walk (particularly when I’m stoned ). I also like to ride my bike.
Here, I’m looking for a substitute to the caffeine.
In general, I’d like my brain to be more responsive. When I compare myself to others, I find others usually have a nack for being able to respond to things in real time, and usually it’s the right respondse, and on occasion there’s more than one response. They know exactly the right thing to say, how to say it, how to win people over. My brain’s more reflective–it needs time to digest and come up with appropriate responses–but usually this only works on internet forums. In real life, it’s detrimental. Caffeine fixes that, speeds up my brain, makes me more responsive, makes me more influential. It gives my brain the energy it needs to come up with the right responses on the spot. If I could get that energy without the drugs somehow, I will be one step closer to awesomehood.
Alcohol is a nice complement to the caffeine as far as being responsive and infuential goes, so coupled with the search for more energy is the search for more confidence and less inhibitions, but I think that will be a much easier problem to solve than the more energy one.
(though I’ve also learned that too much caffeine and alcohol just makes me an annoying prick–not very influential–so I have to keep in mind that maybe less is more).
They don’t need to know. I just have to have something to prove. Announcing my intentions drives me to want to prove myself (yes, I see the irony in that).
Eighth place is all you’re getting, Arc. And if I think of other things to add to the list, you’re getting bumped to 9th.
Uh… idunno.
I know, you’re an institutionalist, you’d be proud of that. I wouldn’t. I just question why doing it on one’s own is shameful to you. Should I not give myself a pat on the back for doing it on my own?
It’s 'cause I said vanity, isn’t it?
For instance, what might some of those substitutes be?
Astral projection.
Being awesome.
Raising my energy levels.
lol I kind of thought that growing up is part of a journey that lasts until death. I like Jack Sparrow’s saying: “I don’t know how to act my age, I’ve never been this old before.”
Why do you seem to be in such a hurry for everything?
I’ve got a lot of catching up to do. There’s tons of things I know I could be doing right now which I’m not. Just because they can easily be applied all in one go doesn’t mean I need to take my time. I should just apply them. If it were more uncertain or seemed to require a lot more will power–you know, hit and miss–I’d probably take a more experimental approach (like my 2 month stints) which is best done taking one’s time.
Well, the therapy might wait until July 1st, but you will do absolutely nothing until THEN to continue (hopefully) to improve yourself? I thought there’s no rush.
Maybe I am just mis-reading what you mean here
Nope, you got me pretty well pegged. What if I told you I’m not doing anything to improve myself until July 1? What’s the worst I can expect from you? Disaproval?
Define what YOU mean when you say superhero?
Being awesome.
I do not know, gib, and I may be wrong here but my instinct is telling me that you are putting the cart before the horse.
You want me to get therapy first and then get off the drugs?
Where do you think that your wanting to be awesome is coming from?
The drugs.
Maybe seeing that is enough. Yes. I do not know where blaming gets us.
It’s temporary. It’s just another motivator. Another one of those instrumental things (<-- You know what that means, Arc?)
As for the second, would you necessarily consider *self-doubt to be an illusion? I mean if it is there, it IS there and is it not a good thing to reflect on why it is there, what triggered it?
No, no, no, Arc, if the MMPI shows that self-doubt is the only thing wrong with me, then there’s nothing wrong with me. What is there to doubt if drugs/alcohol are gone and ADD is not a flaw? Self-doubt itself? ← Are you kidding? You wanna make that a self-fulfilling prophesy? It may not go away easily, but that doesn’t make it any less illusory. In fact, it’s most likely a chronic condition (my mother had it), like a schizonphrenic who has to live with hallucinations or delusions; just because he has them doesn’t make them real.
There’s a whole mess of things which cumulatively lead to my self-doubt–it’s not a mystery why I have it–figuring that out doesn’t make it go away; it just means the only thing left for me to do is to recognize it’s illusory nature. What else do you think a therapist would prescribe? That I convince myself that I have reasons to self-doubt and then tell myself that it’s illusory?
Didn’t you mention that you have a very good female friend? I might have. I cannot remember her name. Me neither. As for the other, it might be better for you not to look for a special someone. What do you think? Not looking. It would just be nice if she fell from Heaven. They might just muddy the waters of your journey into sobriety but quien sabe!
Exactly. As Shieldy so eloquently put it: “What woman wants a man who struggles with a drug or alcohol addiction.”
Well, the answer is: a woman who also struggles with a drug or alcohol addiction. Now, if I didn’t have my July 1 goal, I might look for a woman like that, but since I have my July 1 goal, I think you’re right–finding a woman who also suffers addiction problems would only bring me down, and before July 1 any woman who doesn’t would never go for me. After July 1, however, the game changes.
(Not that I’d necessarily want a relationship even then–being single does have its perks.)
I never did see the image of that tattoo.
Let’s try again. I just switched internet service providers and they won’t let me run a web server out of my home. But we’ll try forwarding on port 5000:
Is the leap the beginning or the end of your journey? Will you already be there when your feet touch the ground?
Let’s just call it the end of a phase.