Arc, you’re still speaking out of ignorance and you’re still generalizing. Sounds like you’re pretty sure of your opinion, so I think it would be a waste of my time to argue with you about that.
I’m just going to respond to a few things you said:
Because this was you speaking out of ignorance. You’re speaking as though I’ve been trying to get off the drugs and alcohol these past 5 years, and that each 2 month stint was a failure. As I said before, this is not what these 2 month stints were, and you would know that if you read the thread before making that comment. The insult is you being critical without first bothering to understand (because it’s too uninteresting) what you’re being critical about.
Also, I’m conditioning myself to be extra sensitive to criticisms/attacks on my approach, and I’m doing it on purpose. I’m conditioning myself to take pride in my approach, to put all my value into it (that’s why it will work), which therefore means that criticisms/attacks against it are going to sting more. It’s called the migration of value. I talked about it above. You can search it.
You’ve brought this up before, the guinea pig analogy. You talk about it as if it’s a bad thing. I don’t get it. Experimentation is what we do to learn. Treating myself as a guinea pig teaching me about myself, helps me grow.
Ok, this is probably a good spot to explain, in a nut shell, what’s been going on these past 5 years… at least I’ll try.
Have a look at this chart:
Notice a pattern? Notice how each 2 month stint is a different combination of the three main drug categories I consider to be a problem for me? Except for the first two. The second one (Aug. 2014 to Oct. 2014) was just a repeat of the first one because I figured I needed to do it again. To go through all 7 combination (plus a repeat of the first)–that is, all 2 month stints with breaks in between–has taken 5 years. This was on purpose. I expected from the very beginning that the whole thing would take 5 years (and I told my x this). And I’m right on schedule. Each 2 month stint was a resounding success. Why? Because the goal was not to get off the drugs and alcohol right then and there; the goal was to get off the drugs and alcohol (or some combination thereof) just for those two months… and I never fell off the horse once. They were successes. The whole thing, so far, is a success.
July 1 will work because it’s not just another 2 month stint. It’s the actual formal decision I’ve made for myself. Now that I’ve gone through all combinations via these 2 month stints with breaks in between, I’m ready to actually make this move. It won’t be just the next attempt in a series of failed attempts, it’ll be the first attempt.
In fact, I even wrote this above: I said that I’m actually disappointed in the results. Life tends to be dull and boring, and sometimes depressing, off the drugs and alcohol. I learned that you can’t just find a quick substitute for the drugs, at least not within 2 months. But then why am I still committed to quitting July 1? In the beginning, I told myself I needed these 2 month experiments in order to give myself some hands-on experiences with sobriety–that is, in order to convince myself a drug and alcohol free life is indeed better. You would think, then, that if I’m now disappointed in the results, I should be deciding not to quit. So why am I deciding otherwise? Because this whole thing worked. My decision, and desire, to quit is no longer dependent on the results of these experiments. The migration of value that I performed on myself these past 5 years has made it so that I actually value quitting regardless of the results of these experiments. In other words, the experiments were only a surface mechanism, something to get the ball rolling, but underneath the surface (in a sort of semi-conscious state, I suppose) I’ve been working on changing my values such that I don’t need to conduct these experiments in order to justify quitting. This is what really makes it work, investing all my value into quitting. When you’re stubborn like I am, you have to play tricks on yourself in order to let go of unhealthy attachments. I’m in a state of mind now where it’s just a matter of executing the decision, whereas 5 years ago, I was too stubborn to even consider it without positive results from my experiments. By the sounds of it, your mother didn’t even want to try sobriety, not even for 2 months. I’m in a totally different state of mind, thanks to these past 5 years, than your mother ever was.
^ This is what I’ve been explaining throughout this thread, just not so succinctly.
And to answer your question about what I’m going to do to make this decision stick (besides will power and commitment), let me quote myself:
What are the things I intend to do with my year, probably two, away from drugs and alcohol? How do I intend to replace them?
Therapy
Take a Dale Carnegie course
Get a tattoo
Take acting classes
Talk to WendyDarling about astral projections
Talk to my good friend Rita about other forms of spirituality
Get exorcised
Let’s go through these one by one, shall we?
Therapy: I’m going to walk into the doctor’s office and say: help me be awesome. There are other ways of saying this:
- Help me become extroverted, not introverted.
- Help me become fit to run a business.
- Help me to influence people rather than be influenced.
- Help me to become more energetic.
All things which the drugs helped me do–at least the caffeine and alcohol–but I want to learn how to do this without a crutch. I’m hoping a therapist can help. I intend to take the attitude that there’s nothing wrong with me–and indeed I think I will be able to say that with full confidence and conviction on July 1–but that I want to become better anyway (to be fucking awesome!). I want to be better than OK. The drugs made me feel like a super star, like a god. I want to be able to churn that out with the power of my own mind.Take a Dale Carnegie course: I took the Dale Carnegie course when I was 14 (my dad thought it would help given the problems I was having at school). I was too young at the time to realize how I was supposed to apply the lessons they taught me, but I’m 41 now and very capable of applying these principles. Back then, I sort of expected things to happen automatically, as though the Dale Carnegie coaches were gonna make me more sociable, that I just had to let them do the work. Now I see it like a tool. Like therapy, I mean to use it with intent–that is, like a tool which does nothing by itself, I intend to use it proactively, to purposefully apply the lessons they teach to actual life.
Get a tattoo: This one here:
This is a drawing a made a while back. I call it “Transition”–perfect for what I’m going through. I intend to get this branded on my upper back as a symbol of my salvation, of being set free from my demon. ← That’s a whole other story which I won’t get into, but suffice it to say, the drugs definitely keep my demon alive, like feeding a leach with what you consume for yourself. Starve yourself and you starve the leach. Yet my hope is that Gaseous (that’s his name) is also set free by this act. I will consider the act of tattooing myself a kind of self-induced exorcism. My hope is that he will stand trial before God and he will be judged on the good acts he has performed in teaching me his wisdom the last 20 years, that his parole will have proven worthwhile, and that he will be forgiven–an exorcism for us both, so to speak–and that, now with freedom, he will chose to revisit me, and maybe because of that, continue to fuel me with the magic he has so far imparted to me. ← That would be another way to replace the drugs.
On a more practical note (to come back down to Earth ), the tattoo will symbolize my commitment to abstain from drugs and alcohol, not only out of a desire to express myself with body art, but as another psychological trick. I mean, if you really want to stick to a commitment, what better way than to permanently brand yourself? It’s the equivalent of tattooing onto your forehead: “I promise never to do drugs again.” ← You can’t just go back on that.
(As an aside, I also think I deserve it. I’ve always been reluctant to the idea of getting a tattoo because, well, that’s for tough guys, or maybe cool guys who ride motorbikes; but I had an epiphany: why do you care if you’re a touch guy or not? Why not get a tattoo because you earned it? Why not because you did something that is worth a tattoo, something like giving up drugs and alcohol?)
- Take acting classes: Now this one’s a rather new ambition. I thought to myself one day: how are you going to be confident enough to socialize with people and to flirt with girls without your liquid courage? Well, why not just pretend to be a guy who’s confident enough to socialize and flirt with girls? Play a roll, act a part. If you feel like it’s lying, then be okay with lying. I even thought this: if you want a substitute for drugs, see how far you can get with acting like you’re on drugs. I could go to the bar stone cold sober and just walk around talking to people like a stumbling drunk. If you had the acting skills, you could probably pull this off. Then you could socialize and talk to girls just like you did in the good old days… huh? Am I right? Huh?
And with any luck, the placebo effect might come into play… actually making you feel drunk (or high, or stoned, or whatever).
And this could be used in all sort of life’s facets… being a good salesman for example. If you don’t think you’re smooth enough, or influential enough, or persuasive enough… try acting like someone who is… see how far you get.
- Talk to WendyDarling about astral projections: this speaks for itself I think. Astral projections would be the perfect substitute for drugs, and WendyDarling can attest to their reality. She’s had them before and might be able to instruct me on how to induce one for myself. No pressure Wendy, but I’m coming for you after July 1 . We’ve talked about this before and she knows I’m eager to learn from her once I get off the drugs. And spiritual experiences in general would be an incredibly fitting substitute for the drugs–doesn’t have to be astral projections–I mean, if you had the ability to astral project, or talk to spirits, or gain a psychic ability, or to perform magic… wouldn’t you give up an addiction to have it?
And what if this is just a bunch of nonsense, mumbo-jumbo, new aged bull shit? What if it is? I’d still be willing to settle just for the experience thereof. I mean, suppose that the experience of astral projection wasn’t really your soul leaving your body and blasting through the cosmos FTL, what if it was just a psychedelic experience, a hallucination, an alternate state of consciousness that was happening only in my brain?.. well gee, how could that possibly count as a substitute for drugs? And what if there is no such experience? What if, after a year or more of trying, I can’t astral project any more than I can now? Well, hopefully, given that year or more, I will have bought enough time to experience the benefits of sobriety, enough so that I will still be able to say it’s worth staying sober. IOW, maybe the migration of value can still happen–migrating away from a compromised value (astral projection) and towards an uncompromised value (the benefits of being sober for a year or more).
Talk to my good friend Rita about other forms of spirituality: Now Rita isn’t her real name; to protect her identity, I will not reveal her real name. But she knows a lot about spirituality; she’s much like Wendy in my eyes. So essentially, she might be able to serve the same purpose that Wendy might. The power of two spiritualist is better than one. And I can actually meet up with Rita whereas my contact with Wendy is limited to PMs.
Get exorcised: speaks for itself… I think I need an exorcism. Hoping Wendy can help, maybe Rita too. If not, maybe they can recommend someone. If not, hoping the tattoo will do the trick. If not, oh well, it’s a delusion anyway.
And I’m gonna apologize. Sorry for the violin. You were putting yourself out there, becoming vulnerable like you said, tell us something that would normally be private, and I rudely dismissed it with the little violin guy. I’m sorry. I hereby validate you.