I heard an interesting argument on youtube that women don’t dress up in ways that get them criticised as sex objects (usually by other women btw) because they want to be seen that way, or treated as such, but they do it because the act and result makes them feel better in itself.
I don’t think they’re lying or being naive when they say looking sexually attractive is for them and not for others, even though it completely looks that way to an outside observer and the obvious result of it in reality is that others consequently treat them as sexually attractive in any of the various ways that they do - many of which are unwelcome, and some of which work out in their favour in the sexual marketplace.
Men don’t think that acting all cocky in front of women, wooing them in ways that make them feel uncomfortable or even repulsed, or even looking at porn will get them any real “action”, they just do it because it feels good in itself. Such acts aren’t being chosen for any secret Machiavellian purposes, they’re just urges in just the same way as it is for women wanting to look pretty (though of course it is possible for both men and women to act with such intentions).
The obvious result is that sexual attraction gets to sometimes happen even without either party trying or making an effort towards those ends. Clearly this unintentional approach works better than intentional approaches, because it still works as is proven by its prevalence even today, and it does so whether people seem to want it or not. It’s cliché when people say you fall in love when you least expect it, but I think the above explains why. People are just doing what makes them feel good, without necessarily wanting or even expecting the consequences.
Of course, since the unintentional approach works so well, it also unintentionally puts either sex into unintentionally bad positions. Men occasionally get accused of appearing to be sexual predators, or even acting as one, when all they’re really doing is following their instincts like they might have done countless times before without any negative result, and women occasionally get accused of cock-teasing, “asking for it” or being sluts when all they’re really doing is following their instincts that make them feel good in themselves.
Successful sexual selection doesn’t require completely rational approaches, idealised courting doesn’t require approaching one another as real people getting to know each other at a really deep level before finding each other attractive. It can result in that, that can be part of it, but it isn’t the primary cause of successful sexual selection. The “shallow” stuff does that, and it does so unintentionally.
Donatella isn’t a dominatrix or a sex slave or a sexual object, she’s just doing what makes her feel good. It happens to work, and it doesn’t obviously invite “seeing the real her”, but it doesn’t need to and there’s not even any practical reason to demand that it should. The idealised romantic story sounds all very nice and everything, but the bottom line is what works best is going to keep happening, it should keep happening and it is going to continue to not be as simple as it appears. Maybe another way will emerge in future, maybe it will become the idealised romantic “real you” way, maybe it won’t - whatever works will endure.