Another crazy day dream.
Is everything becoming unglued?
What a week. Started for him with the kind of nausea which preamble his intro into phil.101, with Sartre precursing in his veins like it was meant to, and came as sublime comfort at a time when, the equally wild and turbulent 60’s leveled all the craziness into an acceptable norm.
Sorry, she is phoning now, can I put you on hold?
Hi, again. She was asking me why Hertz didn’t lift the hold on my deposit on the car we took to Vegas can you call them?
I will I will I promise, he desperately and slowly whispered these words knowing the kid was asleep with a cold in bed.
So going back on the other line, he tried to tell him ALL about it and he knew it was a desperate attempt at soul cleansing, while seeking some merit in it.
The third, no the second blow up or break came about the same time and the trigger was about the time Big Sur developed another layer on Lonesome Traveler, when Kerouac started his job with the Department of Forestry , heading up the coastline from Los Angeles with the Washington Cascades as the final destination.
The put upon layer was Henry Miller’s “Big Sur and the Oranges of Hyranimus Boch” and that overlay took him by a storm.
They knew about him in the navy for that year he got discharged in north Hollywood similarly to the escapade that Jack K went through, very similar and oddly after 4 years a slap in the face.
He gasped as if, trying to get this out knowing the catharsis effect of such outpouring.
And than last night. The urologist calls needs to do another biopsy, because the psa spiked to unprecedented levels.
The mystery listener on the other end didn’t know quite how to respond, saying calmly, and distinctively, with a sort of bemused , understated understanding, that he thought quietly to himself, may mean one among other things , to whom such seemingly end game scenarios are not completely a waste of time. So he went on.
You know what this may mean the doctor said. It may mean surgery, drastic prostatectomy, you do have options you understand.
Now she is coming over to talk about the rented car, and why they didn’t release the hold on the deposit.
He failed to tell her the real reason, and it was a made up story about he parked near the court house where he parked it and somehow got hit on the front end by a guy , while backing into the parking lot. No he wasn’t going to tell her the real story , she would never believe it.
Well, going on, I could always check myself into the bug house, but nowadays they are keen on recognizing Munchhausen,they may think.
These dreams of nukes going off, well they’re just exist in a shadow world buried somewhere in a deep recess. But, they could happen, and why 6 of them going off in Vegas? A bit of self analysis knew the answer only too well, some of which for the sake of modesty he would not or could not reveal, but others being less constraining he may delve into.
It’s a symbol of finality, at least of letting go of the Great Fear, of whether the idea of a community of souls, composed of those who left him behind, will meet him at the pearly gates. Yes, that’s it, and that they will meet him there, the seen and the unseen he recited mantra like.
What if she digs deeper about the rental car? What if this is the one breaking the camels back ? What if what if?
Then he will loose her too along with everything else, and the unbearable sadness returned with a vengeance.His friend , tom still on the other end may be , or could someone else who knows, his breathing indicated an unprepared untimacy, but oh no, he couldn’t be that sure.
What could he do other then the said bughouse which was totally excluded from consciousness , visualizing himself in an Iron Maiden which unlookers could regard with spite and aversion, practically glaring their vicious teeth and hissing with a repulsiveness that only the disbelieving and disappointed faces of his grandchildren’s looks could have mitigated. The guilt of self absorbed idiocy runs deep, he thought.
So added to this mix, the latest, he forgot to put the oil cap back on after running to Target to taking advantage of their half price sale on synthetic oil, and now his son , gleefully knowing the despicable story,expressing a hidden gladness of a payback for supposed acts of omission ,such as not going to work to go to his job, missing a school play or something.
Hey Tom, she may be coming over, and played the invisible but relaxing classic old school tune: love potion #9 in his head: