ambiguous … I just read your post … went for a smoke and the following thoughts popped into my consciousness.
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I hope you will read your post. Writing a post and reading a post are really quite different tasks … even when one believes himself/herself to be the author of what is written.
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I’m ‘dead’ serious … ‘dead’ as in figuratively and literally. It is only when one becomes ‘dead’ to oneself that one starts to live. Confucius said … paraphrasing … “If I hear Dao in the morning I’m content to die in the evening.”
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You … like almost all people … are already in the ‘grave’ … why concern yourself about the part that comes after the grave.
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You yearn for resurrection … in this life.
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Asking for help is halfway home. Accepting help is the other half. The unborn chick must make an effort to break the egg shell in order to hatch and join the world of the living.
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Clinging to someone else’s history is futile and frustrating … whether that ‘history’ be philosophical concepts … religious dogma … political shit etc.
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Each of us is making history every day … whether we are aware of it or not … whether we like it or not. We are conditioned to spend our life trying to catch the big fish … what a waste. Big fish … small fish makes no difference. Often enough what appears on the surface to be very small fish often turns out to be very big fish. For example, in my Fatima OP … 3 peasant children … 2 of which died in early childhood … turned out to be big fish in the landscape of human history.
The future is today … you are part of some ‘story’ … get on the stage and play your part … with all the muster you can garner.