You know there has to be someone playing devils advocate whether you’re keeping to your experiment or not. Not that it’s needed at times. Honestly, man, not to sound like a moralistic prick, but one of the moralistic reasons I got more into drugs was with the intent of doing them until I died and moderating them just for myself and at the same time because I’m partially capable of it and because I’m crazy and I like challenges and it doesn’t matter if I fail or succeed because direct failure and success can’t be measured, if my getting into drugs and doing what I’m doing enables others to break free from their addictions, it’s just them going to a more favorable flavor of life that’s becomes another variety of the same thing, but good intent still applied. Other reasons not so moralistic is I like drug, I’m having fun riding the worst aspects of the so-called devil drugs into the dust and kind of working towards a tapering off of the lessons in abuse, if possible, noting that a lot of things don’t have a choice all the time, but the choice still makes a difference when it’s capable of it.
At the same time, if people are able to pull off other experiments that become possible by the change in balancing acts; then that’s pretty cool as long as they remember that whatever data they collect from it would be personal data, probably not wide-spread applicable, but still pretty cool.
At the point of just not caring that I’ve been easily, not-so-easily portrayed as an uncaring individual, I just can’t be bothered to be a constant asshole even when I’m not driven by the pressure to fight a fight impossible to stick to with getting twisted and depraved if allowances weren’t made. The fact that some things easily take that to then put others into and through just as bad spots isn’t anything I can stop and I never even tried to. A lot of my point over the years has been that things happen regardless of what others allow. I have been forced to fight a fight against people while we were forced to perceive each other as enemy combatants of stereotypes we were railing against. It’s not even a lack of morality or for a greater purpose other than because they can and because they enjoy the power. Even if they have to shoulder the extra burdens of those who tried to mimic the massconsciousness to claim individuality on a grand scale, those individual beings still wield power and still are masters of craft, so to speak. It’s the fact that when the paranoia is pared away, nobody truly believes the world to be ruled and governed by corruption, it just often relies too heavily on it being governed by some sense of right or wrong that it can’t even correctly identify half the time for arguments long-winded and tiring and things still needing outlets for fighting, angst, aggression and the continued necessity of having those things on hand whether needed or not.
So, I’m relatively at a point of doing right by my torturers and saying that I’ve just got no hard feelings for anything or anyone right now and it isn’t one of those lost in fantasy or being high types of feelings, but generally and genuinely because I want to because good moods still prevail at times even over the worst. True joy and happiness were found in a desolate wasteland, in all metaphorical ridiculousness as can be afforded the imagery. For sheer lack of anything to bitch about for having ran everything to the full extent of its course, for having maximized every venting pleasure, every twisted thought, every single paranoia to the utmost, in the seeming silence that follows such a sheer amount of expression comes peace and calm in varying stages and true happiness even in a barren wasteland where you can still know every horrible thing and realize that you feel good anyway without having to feel better than anyone, without having to make fun of anyone, without having to look down or worry about self worth or inadequacy or lacking confidence in good nature or evil, savage or civilized.
I intend to retain this visage and strengthen it the best I can up unto my death. It’s the only way that Any true success can be measured in a reality where beyond fate and destiny, pre-ordained and divine creation, that the emotional outlet alone beyond predictions, prophets, legends, etc., would account for things caught up in the tailspin of my choices horribly upsetting their choices in life and having it all traumatize them in actuality to the point where even as things no longer want to wish injury or death upon me, it’s the fact that what will kill me will still be an act of justice for killing a murderer, if even for the greater good and not failing to account for only being able to take personal responsibility. For the very reasons that living in our modern age, we can guess that Jesus stole at times, expected hand outs at other times, demanded his followers to commit acts of blasphemy against the laws of the lands. I’ve broken laws of forbidden knowledge, whether in faulty manner or not; I have broken things in the administering of their lessons in pain when some were doing it legitly. I failed to respect the law of the land in the worst ways as to attack and destroy peoples most cherished beliefs even if they were lies and crafted illusions and self-deceptions that I failed to and still fail to respect. Now, do remark that a decent amount of things aren’t quick in moving towards that justice, but the twisted insanity of things that could rightfully claim to certain degree to exist as an aspect of myself just by peoples expected behavior and responses to my own tragedies forged into existence would be at odds with their own existence as partial fragments of me that were never me.
And whether they’re partial fragments or able to exert vast effect over life, they can still effect the domino-effect seen in sleight of hand deception in mastermind format of starting a rumor, but more diabolical, forceful etcetera.
At the very bottom of the line for things even being legit and just seeing it to the end of the line for more than posterity but to secure for all eternity a stalemate victory that is anything but a stalemate victory.
And then to remember that if I am, then what I know of others even playing out differently along the array is that you all are, too, and everything is. Things can agree and perform to certain degree to societal standards and expectations, though that isn’t the full agenda of society and that is part of the expectations and standards whether voiced or not.
So, I’m babbling at the moment, a little bit. Didn’t mean to steal the show or make it about me. It’s not. It’s your drug show. But, keep in mind that I’m interested in such things and am personally tired of being stuck in frames of mind that limit me to talking about myself. And, things still administer their lessons in pain, their lessons in wisdom, their lessons in growth and the fight continues. Things still do to each in their own way to varying degree based on the artist to both good and bad.
So, Don’t think I’m just sappy or weepy or expected useless sentimentalities. I’m not that high. Even when babbling, not high enough not to notice. And, if I know this to be true about myself, what do I know of others who share similar trends of awareness to me despite what ‘lies’ come out of their mouths in a given moment intentional or not? Would I even need to remind to remember those who still aren’t there and that even if you or others wanted to be patient, you wouldn’t be able to emotionally even if you could do physically and that even ‘twisting’ psychology like that doesn’t procure the downward spiralling effects when psychology falls short of the mark in noting fully what is capable and what isn’t. It only paints its accepted form of a situational truth that, at best, works at the same rate of methodology as anything else. So, be careful with drugs. I know that’s relatively stupid to say to a room full of grown adults who know full well the dangers and it’s not said out of any due consideration for health or life above death, but just out of general practice to actually try to get someones back by actually saying something about it.
It’s not me that you all have to convince are having a rough time of things. I was understanding of that to begin with which is why I tolerated a lot of the disrespect good naturedly and why I accept the apologies not given, etcetera and that is about me because I can be a vain and pompous ass and still make it about me.
I’m at the mercy of things bypassing my ability to cease completely and will probably babble until it dries up one way or the other. But, long-winded bullshit. I was just giving you shit at the same time as actually hoping to make you flinch and go right back to thinking of failure. Wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t necessary for it to be pushed through for any success to be measured. Even if you can or could do it on your own without the sentiment, that’s not a desired life. The fact that I care a little bit more about you than not at all just for having you been part of a waste of time that wasn’t a waste of time, there’s that at the least I care about you for that selfish reasoning of you being involved in my life for a length of time.
Things are vastly needing to work on dealing with this level of openness without taking it so intimately. And, it’s difficult because some things aren’t even trying because they seem to think that we can’t go right back to being underhanded even then.
It’s interesting how to succeed at what I’m doing, I have to teach those who don’t learn what I want them to learn and be happy that I’m teaching those who want to learn and help them work on confidence in fucking things over just to get a point where an acceptable peace can be measured. Not because we’re all the depraved but to cater to the act that some things keep up. And, it isn’t hard to convince them that cutting the edges off of being diabolical is a better tactical advantage for rolling with humans through eternity, the tricky part is seeing them through it. I hope what you’re working on works out for you, just expect lucy to yank the football on you at the end, bro. See if she don’t just to watch you take it and ride the victory through the lie anyway.
And, I’m not even saying that to be bitter or jaded or to cut you down or to stop you from even trying. I’m saying it’s a legit way to have the other foot drop and not even bother you. Right when you succeed the most, learn how much still plays into it? At least you’re in a good mood for a bit, you know.