When did Jesus first call me? I have no idea … I don’t even know that the story of Jesus is true. Perhaps I have been using the story of Jesus as a ‘crutch’ … to get me through the trauma in my life. It doesn’t matter … with faith … with hope … not with knowledge … I will continue to believe in the story of Jesus. As they say along the Camino Santiago in Spain … Ultreya! … keep going.
I have two thoughts concerning the above question:
Psalm 139 Verses 13 to 18
For it was you who formed my inward parts;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made
Wonderful are your works;
That I know very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
When I was made in secret,
Intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes beheld my unformed substance.
In your book were written
All the days that were formed for me,
When none of them yet existed.
How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
I try to count them – they are more than the sand;
I come to the end … or I awake … I am still with you.
The above verses talk about the notion of predestination … suggesting I was called by Jesus before I was born … Hmmm!
The second possibility took place at Angie’s Kitchen, a restaurant in Waterloo Ontario in 1993 … a rather innocuous setting and circumstances. I was sitting in the restaurant waiting for a colleague from Waterloo Maple Software … we had arranged a breakfast meeting. While drinking my coffee, my attention drifted to a table not far from mine … where two men were engaged in a conversation. On their table was a large and elegant white book.
For some strange reason I became interested in the book on the table. I approached the strangers and asked how I might obtain a copy of the book. The two men were very friendly and assured me they would send me a copy of the book.
Satisfied, I returned to my table. I recall two additional things that happened while waiting:
I heard … or at least believed I heard … a comment about me … spoken by a priest. Something to the effect that I didn’t know what to do with my life … I was lost.
The two gentlemen opened the large elegant book and were reciting the Beatitudes.
My colleague joined me a few minutes later and we had our breakfast meeting … like nothing had happened while I was waiting.
Nothing earth shattering here eh! The Heavens didn’t open up … the Mountains didn’t tremble. So what’s the big deal eh?
I went home that evening and nonchalantly told my wife … “I saw Jesus today”.
To say the event at Angie’s Kitchen altered my life is a huge understatement … it turned my life upside down … inside out … and completely shattered my world view … a world view that I had been nurturing for 43 years!
So what happened at the restaurant? I still don’t know … but I have learned since that St Augustine had a similar experience in the garden at Milan … the centerpiece of his ‘conversion’. Something to the effect that he heard a child saying … “Pick up the book and read”. St Augustine picked up his Bible and opened it randomly. He literally responded to what he read. St Augustine’s books … Confessions … and … City of God … would have a profound effect on my spiritual journey.
Also, we are told in John’s Gospel that God is the ‘Word Incarnate’ … the ‘Word’ taking on human form. When I said … “I saw Jesus today” … was this my soul reporting it’s experience? … my soul seeing Jesus in the ‘Word Incarnate’?
I was drawn to a book titled … “The Message” … this would seem to infer that I am to be a ‘messenger’ … perhaps like St John the Baptist … my mission is to prepare the way for the Lord … such arrogance eh! … what vanity!
Briefly, I was struck by LOVE, the notion that LOVE is more important than anything else in life. Again, in John’s Gospel he writes … “God is LOVE.”
This notion of LOVE would cause several ‘storms’ in my life during the following 18 months:
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1) I would start to meddle in people’s affairs at work earning me the nickname ‘Father Bruce’
2) The large elegant white book never showed up in the mail. I would find a book with the same title … The Message” ... at a book store in North Carolina. By this time I had changed jobs and my new employer sent me to North Carolina on business. Strange that I never connected the book in the restaurant with the Bible even though I heard them reciting the Beatitudes.
3) Several ‘storms’ at home culminating in the termination of my second marriage.
Seems the end of my second marriage opened new doors and several months later I would have my second personal experience with Jesus.
In February 1996, while living at the Maples Inn in Guelph, the only place in Guelph where you could rent a self contained apartment for a day, a week, a month etc. I was still very much in limbo … no job … no hobby … no purpose etc. I read St Teresa of Avilla’s book and remember particularly the section titled ‘Interior Castles’ … deeply moved or touched by St Teresa’s writings about her mystical experiences. Learned later that many scholars consider her writings on mysticism some of the best available; yet she was an uneducated Spanish peasant.
Also read the book on the life of St Francis … again deeply moved and touched… difficult to explain.
One night while lying on my bed I heard the name Jesus in my mind. I can’t remember if I intentionally attempted to form the name or if it arrived in my mind without effort on my part. A few seconds later I felt an ‘electrical current’ in my body. I can’t really explain the feeling. I decided to get my mind to say the word Jesus … this time intentional … my lips didn’t move … this all happened in my mind. Again the same result; like an electric current running through my body. I was afraid to do it again. This experience left me with an unusually quiet and peaceful feeling.
Reflecting on this experience today, seems there may be a connection between my ‘Jesus’ experience in my room at the Maples Inn and a few days later my rather abrupt and unexpected privilege of walking the very ground He walked during his life on earth. Scary!
Rev. Karban writes “Most of us live our lives as though they’re just a series of disconnected events. We rarely find anything to join and make sense out of even one day’s happenings, much less a lifetime filled with them. We constantly go from one thing to another without being able to"connect the dots."
Socrates stated “the unexamined life is not worth living”. Surely, Socrates is suggesting that regular and sincere examinations of our life will help us to ‘connect the dots’, discover the thread that holds the countless events of our life together. Our self-portrait is painted by regular and sincere reflections on the ever growing repository of our life experiences… We will never know who we really are otherwise.
Perhaps my life’s mission was foreshadowed in this room at the Maples Inn … as more and more time passes seems I am becoming increasingly involved with the reconciliation of families.
The notes I wrote in 1995 describe the basis for the ‘mission’ referred to above. The notes follow this writing.
After these 2 personal experiences with Jesus … it seems He sent me back to school … with His Mother … the Virgin Mary … as my teacher … guide … and protector.
The specific experience that is now ‘top of mind’ was the day I lie on my bed in the Maples Inn … staring at the wall … looking at four walls is a common pass time for lonely people … seems I was no exception.
This wall was no ordinary wall … it was not painted drywall … bland and empty. This wall was painted bricks … the large ones … 8" by 14". The wall served to divide the rooms and support the structure at the same time. Seems the owner was content not to ‘dress up’ the cement block supporting wall with drywall … good thing … or I would not have had the contemplation I am about to share!
1,000’s of years ago man learned that if you stack stones in a staggered pattern … the result is a strong and sturdy wall … capable of holding up tremendous loads … the walled cities of Europe and the middle east … Jerusalem. In times past they didn’t use mortar to cement a bond between the stones … a tight fit was all they used and 1,000’s of years ago the ‘stone arch’ was discovered … by placing stones in a certain pattern … each stone pressing against its’ neighbors. They built an arch which was used to join two walls … and soon large and complex buildings … Parthenon … Greek Temples etc
Back to the wall in my room at the Maple’s Inn … as I looked at the cement blocks … neatly piled in a staggered pattern … and evenly bonded to each other with mortar. It occurred to me that this same structure symbolizes ‘civilization’ with each cement block representing an individual … the mortar symbolizes the bond that holds individuals together in a ‘collective’ … a tribe … a clan … a village … a family … a culture … a society etc
The strength of the bond manifests the strength of the unity of the tribe … clan … culture. A wonderful example is the 12 tribes of Judaism … and equally impressive are the local tribes … clans of Inuit. The Inuit camp or village was never more than an ‘extended’ family and seems as they roamed around members of one clan would be given in marriage to members of another clan and so on and so on … avoiding the obvious threat of ‘in-breeding’ … amazing … profound … wow!! Contrast this with 'marriage used as a ‘tool’ to gain more property and consolidate power! … the ancient … and perhaps still current custom.
Back to the ‘bond’ mentioned above … as I stared at the wall and contemplated this analogy … I thought of the bond as ‘love’ … when ‘love’ between individuals … first in a single family … and simultaneously … among families who share a common bond … eg a tribe … as long as this bond …‘love’ remains strong the ‘collectives’ remain strong … seems it is directly proportional. The ‘bond’ …‘love’ … is intangible … the alchemist gold … what is the recipe for a solid bond …‘love’ … a mortar that will not disintegrate … crack …erode.
Seems to me if we could measure the ‘holding’ strength or power of the ‘bond’ between individuals today … be it individuals within a family … among families … within a village … among villages within a province etc. We would find that the strength has diminished profoundly … corroded … disintegrated … melted … whatever!!
United we stand … divided we fall … my dad would say this expression often when speaking of our family … the words are so few … so simple … so logical … and yet so profoundly true… while our minds could easily understand the ‘notion’ … this understanding is not enough … the recipe is more complex and seems we have lost track of the ingredients … the combination and mixing process etc.
Words are not enough.
Writing these words reminds me of the time I was contemplating potential strategies to destroy the human species … I placed my mind on the other side of the wall so to speak
The two strategies I remember well are:
· divide and conquer … a well documented and effective war strategy (united we stand … divided we fall)
· destroy the female species … not as in kill all females … no … destroy them by distractions … encouraging abdication of their primary role … to bring new members into the species and nurture their early years … according to the proper recipe … prepare them to live out their lives in a ‘holistic’ and ‘healthy’ way
Without holistic and healthy young mothers how can we expect healthy and holistic new members. This problem exacerbates itself with successive generations … becoming progressively worse!
Look at what the woman’s liberation movement has done to ‘motherhood’
Look what living in this space age costs … the basic entry price is a 2 member working family … both the father and the mother … so now a woman has a fulltime job … nurturing their children is farmed out to a stranger … motivated by $$$ only … for the most part.
Seems to me all young women today are ‘damaged’ before their first child is born … psychologically … emotionally … and likely physically … fatigue etc
How many people today require Prozac or equivalent simply to keep going with today’s lifestyle?
We humans are all created in the image and likeness of our ‘Creator’ … according to the book of Genesis … I take the word ‘all’ at face value … ‘all’ … simply means … ‘all’ … each and every one of us regardless of gender … sexual orientation … or religious beliefs etc.
Seems to me for the above statement to be True … each of us is a ‘person’ first … a ‘gender’ second … and all else third, fourth etc … By limiting comments to the level of ‘personhood’ may provide a common denominator across all genders, cultures, societies etc. Perhaps with such a restriction we can establish a framework for some meaningful contemplation.
You must be joking. 
…unless you hide a side to yourself that’s completely hidden from us (or me).