Pen-Powered Insanity

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Gjx-ZQuQ_Y[/youtube]

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3g9yLvd7G5M[/youtube]

Bar tender I really did it this time
Broke my parole to have a good time
When I got home it was 6 a.m.
The door was locked so I kicked it in
She was trippin’ on the bills
I think she was high on some pills
She threw my shit out into the yard
Then she called me a bum and slapped me real hard
And in my drunken stupor
I did what I should of never done
Now I’m sittin’ here talking to you
Drunk and on the run

I’m sittin’ at a bar on the inside
Waitin’ for my ride on the outside
She stole my heart in the trailer park
So I jacked the keys to her fuckin’ car
Crashed that piece of shit and then stepped away

You know mo I’ll probably get ten years
So just give me beers ‘til they get here
Yeah I know the sun is comin’ up
And you all are probably gettin’ ready for closin’ up
But I’m trying to drown my soul
I’m tired of this life on a dirt road
And everything that I love is gone
And I’m tired of hangin’ on

She got me sittin’ at a bar on the inside
Waitin’ for my ride on the outside
She stole my heart in the trailer park
So I jacked the keys to her fuckin’ car
Crashed that piece of shit and then stepped away

I guess it’s meant to be
Romance is misery
So much for memories
And now I’m headed to the Penitentiary
See me on T.V.
The next cop series
I am a danger
I guess I should’ve done something about my anger
But I’ll never learn
Real things I don’t concern
I pour kerosene on everything I love and watch it burn
I know it’s my fault
But I wasn’t happy it was over
She through a fit so I crashed that piece a shit nova

And now I’m goin’ back again
Back to the pen to see my friends
And when we all pile out that county van
They’ll ask me where I’ve been

I’ve been at a bar on the inside
Waitin’ for my ride on the outside
She broke my heart in the trailer park
So I jacked the keys to her fuckin’ car
Crashed that piece of shit and then stepped away

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpJAmlnBxoA[/youtube]

Ohhh, I miss the misery!

I’ve been a mess since you stayed,
I’ve been a wreck since you changed,
Don’t let me get in your way,
I miss the lies and the pain,
The fights that keep us awake-ake-ake
I’m tellin you!

I miss the bad things,
The way you hate me,
I miss the screaming,
The way that you blame me!
Miss the phone calls,
When it’s your fault,
I miss the late nights,
Don’t miss you at all!
I like the kick in the face,
And the things you do to me!
I love the way that it hurts!
I don’t miss you, I miss the misery!

I’ve tried but I just can’t take it,
I’d rather fight than just fake it (cause I like it
Rough),
You know that I’ve had enough,
I dare ya to call my bluff,
Can’t take to much of a good thing
I’m tellin you!

I miss the bad things,
The way you hate me,
I miss the screaming,
The way that you blame me!
Miss the phone calls,
When it’s your fault,
I miss the late nights,
Don’t miss you at all!
I like the kick in the face,
And the things you do to me!
I love the way that it hurts!
I don’t miss you, I miss the misery!

Just know that I’ll make you hurt,
(I miss the lies and the pain what you did to me)
When you tell me you’ll make it worse
(I’d rather fight all night than watch the TV)
I hate that feelin inside
You tell me how hard you’ll try
But when we’re at our worst
I miss the misery

I miss the bad things,
The way you hate me,
I miss the screaming,
The way that you blame me.

I miss the rough sex,
Leaves me a mess,
I miss the feeling of pains in my chest!
Miss the phone calls,
When it’s your fault,
I miss the late nights,
Don’t miss you at all!
I like the kick in the face,
And the things you do to me!
I love the way that it hurts!
I don’t miss you, I miss the misery!

I don’t miss you, I miss the misery!

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hkmuTvkp_s[/youtube]

Am I brave enough?
Am I strong enough?
To follow the desire
That burns from within
To push away my fear
To stand where I’m afraid
I am through with this
Cuz I am more than this
I promise to myself
Alone and no one else
My flame is rising higher

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I’ve been waiting for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire

I’ve been sacrificed
My Hearts been cauterized
Hanging on to hope
Shackled by the ghost
Of what I once believed
That I could never be
What’s right in front of me?

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I’ve been waiting for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire

I don’t believe I’ll fall from grace
Won’t let the past decide my fate
Leave forgiveness in my wake
Take the love that I’ve embraced

I promise to myself, me and no one else
I am more than this
I am the fire…

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I’ve been waiting for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire
I am the fire
I am the fire
I am the fire
I am the fire
I am the fire
I am the fire

I am not discounting anything you inserted in here above but did you ever make it to California?

Nope. Never made it to Cali at all. I died on the trip back and now I’m haunting the internet with strong presence. It’s very spiritually invigorating.

I’ve met witches that can read your mind. Not the kind that sit there and guess your favorite color, kind of lead you along until you fill in the blanks by guess-work, but those that could recite word for word something said in the mind. I’ve met witches and wizards, voodoo queens and kings, witchdoctors and shamans, mages and warlocks; and I’m not talking about the fantasy or any fantasy realms you could imagine or envision, but realistic to the bone, down the very core of who they are, that can literally make your feet drag or cause blisters, infections, sour stomachs; some that can even kill you by making a blood vessel burst in your head.

I’ve seen this, I’ve experienced it not just from those I tricked into revealing it to me, but those that had balls enough to flaunt it, show it, wear it, live it.

I’ve seen things that can make you hungry or take that hunger away, can make you tired or fill you with energy from restless, uncomfortable to comfortable and moving. I have seen visioncrafters add their signature tags and ‘credits’ to the end of visions and dreams, shared imaginations. I have had things flit through my mind that have not been anywhere near or close to what I could have done with the life I’ve lived. Artistries pass through my mind that are obviously not my own. At the very core of it all, this is not new at all to some; perhaps many and still new to some and many in so many ways that I won’t get into; refuse to get into again; and then new again all the same because all of this being talked about out loud and in the mind by a singular source encompassing many. A source that I Am, here in front of you, in this place, as this Random Factor that I’ve become.

I talk about these things openly and against opposition and against repression. I speak of the freemasons that played too freely in the layers of reality trying to ‘change’ it all from the inside out instead of dealing with actual psychology and the problems facing us day to day. And, I’ve seen with my minds eye, tears and rips in the fabric of reality; momentary; seen dark entities, seen the supernatural and paranormal come to life, and all in realistic ways beyond any hollywood production, interacting with life and reality in the world as it is around us and not as we want it to be.

~myself

I have dipped and delved into twisted insanity I can not fake and dark thoughts that you all now can not shake like I could not shake them once and now I don’t even try for all that I know of life and eternity. I may not know it all, but then I’m not trying to, I’m just at the point where I know enough to suitably sustain me however long I survive before I die in the flesh and then however long it takes for me to ‘die’ in the spirit only to be passed around, come back to myself in so many ways only to eventually bring myself back together again, another name and a different face in a different world and remembering naught what I’d been through before, but always another fight, another war; another increasing and addition to all that I am when I hit live like my current one where I’m needed in greater capacity and things must ‘dance’ on me until I ‘wake’ up and come out to ‘play’.

And still, I believe in my work if not myself on some days, even as those tasked to help doubt me and right they should for I said I would shake the loyalty and faith of even the most strongest of believers. I believe in the my work to fix a broken world that refuses to be fixed and refuses to admit being broken. I believe in my work to push for peace until even the destruction of everything and the peace that would bring would be enjoyable, just to have enough living and still here to firmly fix that in their minds and realize it for what it is and understand it while we’re all still in existence to be able to renew leases on life well past their expiration date as we’re pressed to suffer, yet for all of our ‘masochistic’ tendencies, none of us want to suffer that much.

I believe in the fact that I’ve got everyone scurred, that evil is on the run and good is loading its guns against me, that the insane bow and pay tribute to a mangodking greater and obviously more insane than they could ever be or ever have dreamed of being, for not just staring into the abyss, but jumping in over the ledge with no safety line; and making it back out and through to the other side and back again; for taking an infinite problem and cutting it down to size, for staring death and eternity in the face and more than that, running to face my own death in a mad dash not out of suicide or homicide, though the killing and blood-spilling does take part, but for the sheer sake of doing right, not even for the rush. Though couldn’t we all be adrenaline junkies and hellish beings?

I believe that nature decided upon examination that it scares the fuck out of itself and reality began to underestimate what it knew better than to fuck with and while life itself was fucking my like a whore, always kept a weathered eye to the day when I would start fucking back, laughed insanely and never believed it would happen and yet here we are, three years after I blew the mind of the universe itself and shook reality to its very core and proved to it that it’s not immortal, not eternal and can be scared, can be killed, can die just the same as any other, that a lot of things look at me with a mixture of fear and respect, hate and love and like a gruesome, hairy, long-legged, bout-it looking spider, is saying, ‘I love you, god you’re awesome, but… you gotta die, buddy; you just gotta die because you freak me the fuck out.’

And all pursuits of peace and harmony fall by the wayside, discarded armor that clogs and weighs me down, all pursuits of fixing what’s wrong with the world go right out the window and luckily for me, they’re hard-wired into who I am, so when I let go of it all, let go of my armor, it swirls around me, protects me and keeps me safe on pure autopilot, no conscious thought. It becomes a war that I must fight and become the warrior that I’m meant to be, to become the killer, purposefully; but not in any way that people caught up in thoughts of hollywood or thinking they know what I mean could actually truthfully depict of claim to know, because my ways still center around a calm and peaceful approach to the problem as much as possible, resilient and determined, focused and anger-refined to master the craftsmanship of finding and keeping a center of balance in imbalance, of calm even in rage and peace even in war; at war.

And should I say this as if it’s revelation when it should be clear to me that so many others had a head start on me… I ask, when did they ever give it all the honest chance like I did? Had to trust when there was no good reason to trust? They’ve been beat down and pushed into the dust, spirit-broken in ways; shattered in ways; they never thought possible, thinking they would outlast the little pussy that was pre-destined and slated to be the indomitable and unbreakable.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytQ5CYE1VZw[/youtube]

Jim, you gotta face the crowd, man.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lS-af9Q-zvQ[/youtube]

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaO0b-DvJU8[/youtube]


I could never forget what brought me here, to this place and time, the silent screaming and tears and fears of a quiet mortal, lost in the sands of time and space; erased from the foundations of existence, erased from creation; my own self that I never was and had been all the same until cut off, or so it came to seem to be, cut off from it and having never been that boy, that quiet mortal and yet as I rejoined and the pieces fit, one after another, my spiritual existence made more sense, erased from me, my own past; my own future, my own in betweens as so many others chose to try to build their own realities, destroyed a boy and a man that had driven them to fear and beyond, anger and hatred and rage; sorrow and pain to the very extremes it could be taken. I had often questioned my own existence; power I had and held and never thought much about using it however I chose; but where did I come from, where did I get such power to tower above even the most ancient of beings and entities in reality? To smash into the dust all opposition until I met this one man in the middle of it all; so eerily mirroring my own fight in reverse and inverse fashion; for peace of all things.

For peace! And, I had laughed until I, the most powerful being in existence, began to be drawn in and down, cut down to size like so much kindling before a burning stove.

Never had I had qualms about ‘the game’, or how it was played, I was the best at it, why should I? Never had I seen a more intense young man, crying in the darkness of the womb of existence, cut off from the realities of all others; growing up slowly in wastelands and nightmares; dark places, until something crossed its path that gave it cause to laugh the most honest and simple laughs you could imagine, and a part of myself was caught up in its rising up and coming to bear on its life, from the very conception of it in the womb to grow with it until now, caught behind the scenes and seeing so much from the inside what I had only viewed from the out. And to have such a perspective at all is to diagnose myself and expose myself as a spiritual entity, caught up in the flesh, proving to some extent reincarnation and many other things that give so many things cause to fear and run and hide their minds.

The coming to telling the truth of it is harder than it is to just simply concoct another lie. Those always seem on hand when you need them, but to tell the truth as we all so hate to do even this man that I have become so invested in, he and I and others have simply been pushing against the grain, hard-wired and pushed, hard-lined into needing the truth, needing to have our secrets and nightmares exposed. As it is for others, the telling of the truth, any such truth is painful and difficult, a trial in and of itself, for it’s what we least want to do, it’s what seemingly causes the most damage, but even in our insanity, we looked to the psychology and as we laughed, some of us began to question it. Highly accurate. And it began to actually be useful…

Random, useful in what way?

In solving problems; healing; rehabilitating the criminal spirit into a law-abiding one, when the laws make sense. Bringing the insane back to sanity; bringing the twisted level of the worst horrors down a notch by increasing the pace past where even they all could go and letting it fall back and away knowing that they’ll push it to those points some day in the future or past, but not today and that gives things time to think about what to do about it when it does get there. In solving problems by getting things to back down, to go back down the bad paths they’re on to find the right ones again. In taking the edge off of the fight, the edge off the bitterness, if not exactly taking those things out entirely. Too bad it’s just not been useful in actually making my current life completely better. Certain perks, same as anyone else, I’m sure, which makes it harder for peace to fight against the other methodologies to actually prove itself better and in the process of doing so only begs for the making of things worse as so many other outspoken ones claim they have the answers and do mass damage before they learn.

I mean, what did you think I meant when I said useful? Like so many other people knowingly make use of it without saying a word to others about it? At that point, why would I say something about it openly? I’m not that addled or stupid. Therefore, it should be assumed logically that I meant it in the best way possible, best being denoted and given over to peace to treating each other well in terms of courtesy, going out of our ways to do nice things for each other without worry that those terms are being misconstrued for things that aren’t nice, aren’t the best and without the argument playing in the background that beating the fuck out of each other and manipulating each other and destroying each other is actually nicer, actually more peaceful. I mean, Why does that plague our every thought, why do I see it work in so many when I speak truth, when I speak trust, when I push outward to show it and to go out of my way to, multiple times over for the simplest things, put back in the right perspective of; this is how I meant it; only for it to get misconstrued again, only for it to get twisted again in others eyes.

And even this, you will forget and others here will forget until I bring up the past again some future day to jog you all out of the dark places you got pushed back into.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCZ1YteCv5M[/youtube]

We’ve all seen the man at the liquor store beggin’ for your change
The hair on his face is dirty, dreadlocked and full of mange
He asked a man for what he could spare with shame in his eyes
“Get a job, you fuckin’ slob”'s all he replied

[CHORUS]
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it’s like to sing the blues
Then you really might know what it’s like [4x]

Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom who said he was in love
He said, “Don’t worry about a thing, baby doll, I’m the man you’ve been dreamin’ of.”
But three months later he said he won’t date her or return her call
And she sweared, “God damn if I find that man I’m cuttin’ off his balls.”
And then she heads for the clinic and she gets some static walkin’ through the door.
They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner, and they call her a whore

[CHORUS]
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it’s like to have to choose
Then you really might know what it’s like [4x]

I’ve seen a rich man beg
I’ve seen a good man sin
I’ve seen a tough man cry

I’ve seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie

I’ve seen the good side of bad
And the down side of up
And everything between

I licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
Smoked the finest green

I stroked the baddest dimes
At least a couple of times
Before I broke their heart

You know where it ends
Yo, it usually depends
On where you start

I knew this kid named Max
He used to get fat stacks
Out on the corner with drugs

He liked to hang out late
He liked to get shit faced
And keep pace with thugs

Until late one night
There was a big gun fight
Max lost his head

He pulled out his Chrome .45
Talked some shit
And wound up dead

And now his wife and his kids
Are caught in the midst
Of all of his pain

You know it comes that way
At least that’s what they say
When you play the game

[CHORUS]
God forbid you ever had to wake up to hear the news
'Cause then you really might know what it’s like to have to lose
Then you really might know what it’s like [3x]
To have to lose…

What more is there to write about; what more is there to say? What more could I put together in poetry for my audience who loves such things and bypasses all that I actually talk about. I’m the celebrity that never wanted to be, with the fanbase I couldn’t give two shits about, that hates the fame and wishes more for those with insight to look beyond what I say to what I mean. What more could I do to put out theories and theses of solid foundation, what more can I do to round up thoughts and put together formalizing data that concludes arguments to be idiocy, but no more than the walking idiocy that doesnt just walks, but talks and, impressively, somehow makes tools and puts them to use.

What more can I say of the afterlife, or the mind? What more can I say about our current lives, our struggles; what more can I give in terms of blood, sweat and tears that I haven’t given at least a half-dozen times before. What can I possibly do to anymore make a mockery of all that politics and government has become, the sham of the land and the shame of the people that claimed to be so much more and wanted to be only to fall too far down, scrape their knees with little scratches and claim the darkness was too much for them without knowing a damn thing about the well they just avoided. What more can I do to put every philosopher to shame and turn them on their ear; what more can I do to bring the scientists to tears, the scholars to face their fears, the warriors to realize that they can never win for the peace they fight for, for the freedom of those they try to protect only to be used and abused too much and in all the wrong ways by their own people who didn’t deserve the loosening of their chains and bindings?

What more can I honestly put forth in a land and world that hates honesty so much that nobody is honest that is ‘wise’. When everyone becomes a pathological liar and even the ones who could and would talk to me about these things, don’t have the same passion for them, even though they can hold their own, still work against what I have fought my entire life for. Soon, I will become silent, as silent as I’ve been in the past when I know my enemies are circling like vultures. As silent as I’ve been when I’ve toed the line before while pursuing my talents, skills and abilities and passions and ran across so many insulting, hating, destroying what I love. As silent as I’ve been when I can sense the animosity in the air and the gears ticking, knowing my time is limited and the hunt is on to push me out. Believe it or not, but for the last 3 years being what they have been, that HAS BEEN the calm before the storm. The calm of it.

Pen-Powered Insanity from my past:

More from history:

And, still more:

You’re getting up into the eye-bleed section; proceed with caution:

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgkYN3QjD5M[/youtube]

Imagine a real buddhist monastery with monks in their day-to-day; quiet contemplation and quiet mingling, although still riddled with laughter and tears; doing their chores and other menial tasks, making time for simple games and meditation and thought. Imagine that someone ran up into their Temple and began shouting wildly and laughing at them and making fun of the way they were dressed and their way of life in general. All of which, to them, is completely natural and normal. Every part of their life in tune with nature and making perfect sense and then someone pops in that is not in tune with nature and makes sense of nothing to make fun of them for their way of living which is entirely normal and has existed in peace for ages.

They would react at first with patience and try to be true to their beliefs, but people can only take so much of a certain type of treatment. If this person failed to respect the rules, they would be made to respect the rules or be thrown out. If they chose to stay, they may in time come to have a place within the temple and become a member of notice if they manage to reach enlightenment through their trials and tribulations and search. At worst, they would be thrown out and told not to return, if they failed to learn to respect the way of living and if they chose to stay in spite. However, they would be given every chance to step in line and be the things that all people should be to each other.

Imagine, now, that one of those monks in their peaceful and quiet life decided to travel the world to gain enlightenment through physical travel and the inundation of new thoughts and new experiences and new philosophy, etc. Imagine that they came into your culture, where people war and fight and are arrogant without cause. Imagine that as they walked down the road in their travelers gear that people stopped and stared at them like some freak at a carnival. This monk that had lived in peace and quiet is suddenly found in a strange land and all alone, with only the mental balance taught by his temple to keep him true to himself. Imagine that as he walked down a road in North America, he was accosted by several members of this different society. He did not want any harm, but harm was forced upon him and he was forced to defend himself against these society members.

They out-number him, but his training and balance of body and mind hold true and he’s able to fight them off. He could hurt them and kill them, but that’s not his way, or the way of his temple. He gives them a beating they richly deserve and they run off. But, they don’t feel it’s fair. They should have had him. After all, they out-number him and should have given him the beating that every foreigner deserves (in their opinion). They call the cops and tell how they were accosted by this man. The cops question him and he answers honestly that, yes, he did accost those men. Saying no more, because he expects them to understand that he would not have initiated a fight, he’s arrested for beating up these people. To wit, he has not a mark on his body from them, but they are riddled with bumps and bruises from him.

As he continues to be honest, their legal system works against him and suddenly these people are afraid for their lives and spreading lies about this Monk that he is powerless to fight against. He has already honestly admitted to accosting them, and the fact that they attacked him first has little meaning to the rest of the world, because the news media now spins out a story about a brutal and sociopathic monk and the public support goes against him. When he denies the rest of the accusations which are all lies, the jury looks at him and says ‘you admit to accosting these fellows but deny these other allegations. We think you’re only telling us what you think we want to hear instead of owning up to the full measure of your crimes.’

The Monk is punished and sentenced to time in their prisons as the media slanders him and the Government locks in on him because they fear he might be a terrorist. While in jail, the monk retreats into his thoughts and processes everything that has happened to him. he tries to meditate, but the other inmates jump in to mess with him. He defends himself and no more than that, but earns their respect because they’ve lived a harder life and all they respect is force. They begin to learn from him about meditation and deep spiritual insight and nirvana and transcendence. Even though they think it’s kind of silly, they go with it because they’re curious about how this quiet and tranquil man can be such a force to be reckoned with.

In time, he does become the terrorist that the government feared he was, for as he sat in jail and shared his wisdom with others, they began to see through their experiences the faulty nature of their own society and they were out-raged. Without the temperance of a life-time worth of meditation and control, they set out and induct others into their ‘brotherhood’ and begin teaching people how to be free, though they also practice violence beyond that which they should. Not all of them join this movement and not all of them practice more violence than they should, but enough to set an army marching in the background and out of sight of the government.

When the monk is finally freed from jail, he’s picked up by the government authorities; secret agents that nobody who lives knows exist due to the passing of laws protecting them and preventing others from knowing for reasons of ‘plausible deniability’. They deduce after months of intense interrogation that this Monk is ultimately harmless, and they send him back home. When he finally reaches his Temples’ gates, he pauses and reflects a little on all of the changes and everything else that has happened during his journey. He goes inside, greets old friends, sets his pack in his room which still exists the same as it had when he left years before and immediately begins meditating and does barely anything else than that for the rest of his life, socializing less with others and shying away from games.

Meanwhile, in that other country, a violent revolution of thought and ideology is waiting just beneath the surface for the right time to strike with everything they were taught. They lack responsibility and restraint and have been made to be criminals; some without ever harming another person in any concrete manner. They have every reason to be out-raged and up-in-arms.

What began as peace and harmony became a huge threat to everything that was not, while what started in anger and disharmony was not much of a threat to anything other than itself, for peace and harmony and balance existed before, during, and after everything else and the delving into dark places was only momentary while the finding of balance and being at peace with yourself and everything else lasts forever and beyond all things.

The time for my pen-powered insanity has come nearly to an end. I have done my part, played my part, in all that is done with words and by words; have paved ways for so many to fulfill their works to fill in the gaps. I came into this world fighting, and intend to leave it in that same manner, except the fight changes as I go. Work hard, play hard.

C’est la vie. Cut out my own tongue, sliced off my own ears, gouged out my own eyes, removed my sense of touch and taste. It’s the free life for me now, boys.