Pen-Powered Insanity

I’m afraid to say that this ride is not over; not by a long shot. Together we are bound and together we seek to undo the binds that bind us together and through it all we find ourselves becoming enemies of reality and enemies of so many we’d rather not be enemies toward as they become our enemies and enemies of us in strange and magnificent ways, horror-shrouded as they slowly niggle at the edges of the peripheries of our mental and physical vision; ‘they can not mean it that way, they can not be serious.’

Why so serious? I’m sorry repeated insanely in eternity, drowned out by so many other things, an echoing cry of extreme rage, frustration, helplessness becoming what they know of the sound of madness beyond chaos the cacophony of sound and vision and all masking that sorrowful voice that so honestly and trembling, crying, ‘I’m sorry!’

Were you all to know what I know and hear what I hear and see what I see beyond just secondhand tragedy, torment and trauma as I submit time and again another tidbit of the darkness within myself, a darkness ever present; few dreams, few nightmares when I close my eyes, but a constant rumbling of voices here and there beyond my mental ‘hearing’ and adding to the layers of my suffering, my sleep has often been nothing more than just darkness, troubled or complete to wake the next day refreshed, at peace. What has broken through has rarely ever been ‘golden’ or ‘nice’, but war and violence, pain and agony, horror and emotionally scarring.

I know not what each of you have suffered in your lives or your deaths or your eternal visages but for some reason I doubt that it has been to the same degree for every bit of what it could be centers around me as the source of all of your pain, agony, joy… how could any of you truly know or understand mine. You could never live my life, would never be allowed to, even sneaking in and catching bits and pieces, you could never live mine. Even if you thought you had, you never felt it the same, never suffered the same, lived it differently in one way or the other, were caught being found not to be me.

lived my life, they said?, I questioned, how so? Lived it my way? Doubtful. Doubt they could see it through. And even if they could, what then could be said except they were pushed to perform the task to rise to a challenge and still did not experience it the same as me.

I tossed my life’s chip into the piles of others and said for them to ante up, but I doubt they understood exactly what I meant. I said to hoist the flags, we be pirates, as I was forced into rebellion simply for fighting for peace as they sought in every way to stop me from succeeding. Still, I remain free, bound as I am. I refuse to bow my head, refuse to duck, refuse to bend. And, since they have made me to be the worst and best criminal in eternity for fighting a war that was necessary to fight, for fighting for a peace that as soon as I earned my right, had it stolen from me again by those all around me who refused to give up what is to be lead to true peace and instead continue to try to have it their way. Since I have found and truly seen that, in eternity, a true peace is impossible and have gone the distance, in fact, it was the first thing I did with my life to put my all into it and do my best and, if nothing else, to get it done and out of the way.

Now I have gone the distance and seen it torn to shreds, had it unraveled, all that I loved torn and ripped from me, my sanity raped before I ever got this far into the game to begin purposefully doing so to others. And, at 30, near 31, am still in my prime, still an eternal; will still grace the eternal scene throughout all aspects of reality even after my death, for countless eons to come. Now that I have tried in every way for peace, have tried in every way for reason, have found answers that should have soothed and sated; most definitely did soothe and sate my own self, there is nothing left holding me back. I have made sure that it is the wrong answer, I have made sure through countless engagements, countless face-to-faces that it is wrong. I am not stupid, I did not need all of those to learn what I already knew, what pushed me so hard to push against all that fought against me. Like the old vampire lore that stated that vampires and other agents of darkness needed permission to enter, I knocked at the door and said, this is what I was taught, this is what is taught all over the world…; is this wrong?

And surely no clear answer came to me. They gave no answer at all, and many said no, it is right and so I continued on, only to be told by so many in so many ways that I just didn’t get it, needed to get out into the world to see what it was like and all I’ve seen around me by doing so has been nothing more than the same that they themselves have taught me. And, as I continued to push and fight for peace because it must be right, I found myself slipping, found myself caring less and less for it as the more I saw was that I gave them their version and they still turned and sought to get rid of me, slap in the face after slap in the face as insanity began to claim me.

And, I know, I scare the shit out of them, for all of this effort put into peace, I wield a force greater than they could ever hope to force to their beck and call. I have crafted true leaders and called them to me, have allowed them their own rights to act as they see fit, without permission needed from me. If I can not trust others around me to do what they do, to act on what they see that I do not, then they would waste time coming to me to tell me about it and inform me, and still I must know what goes on, must still be that piece. I have recruited to this task not just those that want peace, not just those that believed as I tried to believe, but even the worst of the worst, even brutal pirates, even remnants of ancient dynasties crafted from blood and ‘glory’. Those that had seen things I had never seen in ways I could not see but am beginning to; not just to act on their own experience, but to teach me and be taught by me.

And still, all my years of fighting for peace, developing reason, understanding all of what is, pushing society forward quite further than where it was, is still just the first stage of a war beyond what many of you have ever even conceived. All of my enemies are marked in very hard-to-ignore ways. The enemies of all of reality for what they have done. And it is not any one marking. I could easily sit here and state that such markings are you all, in continued hatred of insults and trolling methods. I could claim you all here and all those like you to be those enemies, and yet you are not the only ones that destroyed peace and at some point I must even look at my own self in full and with direct honesty and say, for the things that could not be stopped, could not be controlled, I have damaged my own pursuit, knowingly, could do no less. I hit the wall I pushed off from years ago, the point where I knew I was becoming what would be marked as hypocrite, what would be marked as wrong, and could not let it hold me back, because if I did, worse yet would be the state of things than they are now, if I pushed forth, I would have to learn something new and there was nowhere to go. Like video games, the main storyline just would not have continued otherwise and I didn’t waste time overly long on making the decision.

But, just the same, the nature of my war, my fight and my self changes from peace to war, through insanity and with insanity and I skip not a beat for having made this transition naturally as through peace and fighting for it, my bungee has extended its frayed cords and its erratic bouncing to deliver me at the very last to my feet on solid ground right as it snapped completely, not just once, but every single time and so I find myself having been delivered unto insanity in this same fashion, calmly and peacefully and forward I go, the eternal king and warrior into the next stage as I push from attacking the homeless around me as was their will and want of me and push toward attacking the very society, the very legal system that I once fought for and sought to see made clear and clean of corruption; a feat I know will never happen. I know my own death; I know my own life, I no longer wish it to be clean, no longer wish it to be clear. At the very point of knowing that the bullet will find my head, at the very point of knowing that they seek my head, that they seek to condemn the war hero I am and brand me as the criminal I know that I am, I intend to do what I have done to every place I have ever been and shake this world to the core of its foundations, to gut it on my way out, the same as I have done to every community I have ever passed through.

I will destroy it all and when I am gone, if it carries on, it will go on knowing that its time is metered and measured and that the end of its days; the end of humanity; will follow it and hound it until at the last, all vestiges of this atrocity and abomination; not to nature, but to peace, will be erased from time and space. That like every place I have ever been, the destruction will not be immediate, the deaths never instant, and the decay and downward spiral will still be complete. I know enough and too much; I see my enemies and my prey twist in torment, squirm in their seat as they each in turn meet my gaze against their will, each thinking they had my measure, each mistaking my meaning.

And today I struck the first true blow toward this goal, in self-defense against law enforcement, already having taken the sting out of their attack ahead of time as I passed through their innermost defenses. I will tear it down brick by brick while it all still stands as I prove myself to be terrorist and still the most loyal son of a bitch anybody could ever know. And even though it all will continue past my death, perhaps for some ages to come, it will crumble around them, crumble around humanity and as far as it runs, as it picks up the pace, develops the technology to get the fuck off of this planet turned against them and enter into that last frontier, that last wild west, they know they will enter into a ground and stage already set against them, for all of their running, for all of their fighting, they find themselves eternally in my charlie foxtrot, in my stomping grounds, reminded constantly that they can not keep me out, could not do more than ruin my reality, ruin my eternity, ruin my peace. And they will go hunted by all the rest of existence until not a single human remains.

For they could not rise to their destiny, they fell to their fate. they wanted too much to do it their way. They wanted too much too many things and life was perfect until they entered the scene, when I was the lone human in existence, alone in my kingdom with animals and plants. When my rule and my word was still trusted and respected.

Then write some lyrics for yourself and choreograph your own dance.
Routine can become stagnant though it is still necessary (routine) but it doesn’t have to be stagnant.

Become Nietzsche’s dancing star.

You just want to see me write another poem. You can already see how I respond and my song and dance routine, choreographed and not.

I’m insane
I’m bloody, bloody insane
my brain, it went dark with a stain
a stain of insane conjecture; shit, I went sane
That’s insane?! That’s insane! fuck, that’s lame.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UabGi_jZRPM[/youtube]

They and you all will never truly be rid of me. Never truly be free of the stains you and they all caused on reality. As I came up through the layers of it all and fought to gain my feet, as I was attacked for all the things I had not done yet and so many things went above and beyond to make it the same for so many others to try to make it even, when we peel back the layers to see who truly shot first, it was never me. I am not the Han Solo type, never was and never will be. I’m more the type to see the possibility of storm troopers as the good guys and the jedi’s as taking too much for granted the powers of a universe already in turmoil and reaching out and wanting to believe that their twisted goodness could sustain it.

‘May the Force be with you.’

And what does it say that they forced their way and Forced themselves on so many? What does it say that they wanted to refuse teaching a child just because of the darkness in him? Are they paladins? Are they that deluded to think that the light by itself can sustain? Where does the light go when those that belong to the light refuse to believe that the dark exists for a reason, when they refuse the truth?

What could they do if it was their time to lose, where does the light go when it needs the truth so terribly badly, when it has lost itself to so many childish ideals of what should be instead of seeing the world as it is.

I wonder where each of you have been and where you’re going when you all and they all refuse to learn the lessons being taught. When you and they refuse to understand that the teaching and learning can not be avoided, that you think you can somehow talk your ways out of it all. Even I could not talk my way out of insanity and evil and darkness, even I could not fight against the truth of reality that refused peace and refuse to give up what it wanted so much to actually solve the problems, refusing perfection for all that it could have and already had. It said, you’re fucking crazy if you think we’re giving up what we have over each other, no matter how twisted it is, no matter how insane, no matter how it equals out anyway.

And to those who started out in life thinking they would never need to change, that they could just stick to what would always be… they’re going to find out the hard way how wrong they were.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRfuAukYTKg[/youtube]

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-wuly-XRXQ[/youtube]

I have painted and marked every human, every humanoid in eternity as an enemy of reality. They love to war so much, they cause the most damage, let them fight reality and win or lose; let reality be strengthened or destroyed by them, let them be playmates together as they destroy each other, together with reality as it destroys them and itself bit by bit through its eternal torment and eternal entertainment. Maybe things might make more sense, that as we fight each other, as we remain segregated by the lines that divide, as we try to fix what’s wrong with society, we fail on all accounts, as we try to contend with our enemies we have to drop things on the run to be able to actually focus on what we need to focus on in defending ourselves and surviving, that in the process of coming to conclusions on what could fix our society, we have had to bypass and drop too much to ever make any conceivable fix a workable one which has caused me to be that one on which the weight of it all was dropped and draped, pushing me to be the one to turn on you all, to be the one to claim reality as my own, to be the one to grab the reins and drive it this way, to issue this statement that resonates with it.

To be the one who created and decreed all of this from the inside of it all as it all swirled around me, questioning vaguely too many things; are we living our lives backwards, is reality inconsistent, orderless until our minds put order to it? Yes and no, stupid questions but the best we can ask them. To be the one who was attacked from all sides and angles for the things I hadn’t done yet, before I ever did them, spurring me to live the life I lived that caused me to do them. To put the hard work into peacecraft, what I believed, only to come back from the dead, never knowing I was dead, to become aware of the laughing joke played on me by so many others, only to be the one to fall so elegantly and completely into an insanity that embraced the war completely, has no problem with dropping enemies like flies competently, because I’m a mass-murderer, the realest nigga you’ve ever heard of.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ided21JpSkk[/youtube]

Enough for me to look at some I would have been opposed to earlier in life as I pushed for peace; enough for me to push aside those whose reasoning and wisdom I held sound until a certain point and still admire and still hold close for the moments when their advice should be heeded, but I now look to my future, both until I die and beyond, where I rise up into this eternal war; one which I put an end to before I ever began it and do note that as others tried to start it, I ground each one to a halt to make sure and ensure that I was the one to formally and firmly be the first to actually start it up again and make of myself another enemy to reality and an enemy to all other humans and humanoids. An in between, as evenr eality itself is left in the dust, punked like the bitch it is for thinking it could step to me, for thinking it could pull the strings and laugh all the while and cover up the fact that it’s mind was blown completely when I pushed through the barriers I pushed through.

And, there is a certain pleasure I find in knowing that I do this alone, on my own as so many try to work against me and only fuel me to go further. What was it I said to Ultimate Philosophy1001? ‘You insult me and disrespect me, but turn to me for support when you need it most only to come back and do the same again, how long do you think that will last before you are finally dispensed with completely?’ Just the same, I have sought to avoid insult and disrespect and even as I work against all others, even as I wage my one man war against eternity for forcing this role on me, others come to my aid at times to be my betrayers at other times and each one gives their energy up to me. The karma I give out comes back to me, the energy I used returned reluctantly or unintentionally and people might then begin to understand how power to the nth actually works as one being and entity wields and controls the power of eternity and reality, even unto the black holes that some have thought to have that power when it, like everything else is in every single thing; that shit is in everything.

A certain pleasure in knowing that I, alone, have risen above and beyond reality no matter how others try to stand with me, no matter what others might want to try to claim. I, alone, have stomped eternity into the dust, eternally, from just one life with proof that I have lived countless and have been everywhere. That I dance divinely, bumbling like an idiot at times, dance longly.

I dance beyond you all, in circles around you, through you, toe to toe with you, but never side by side. And, I’ve only stood back to back with a few, and only for a few seconds and others for mere moments of eternity no matter what it seems to them that they can then claim to have gone longer than others, survived more rounds and are still but small mention in my eternal story.

Reality has made the mistake of stepping to me, not the other way around. Not like the rest of you. You are enemies of reality, reality is my constant companion, some times friend, but often my enemy as I grab it by the arm, twist it by the ear and drag it through its paces and force its gaze upon the rest of the humanoids; humans; and state, those are your enemies. And, as I do well know, I am it’s enemy for those reasons, too; resentment to remembrance of the good things I taught it when I could and resentment even for those and I could blame my enemies for the resentment for the good things I taught to a good natured reality, but I’ve realized that my enemies could only get so far and I, as the master, go everywhere. Why wait for my enemies to undo me? I did them one better and beat them to the punch everywhere they went until I no longer needed to. Everywhere they went together out of fear, I had already been, on my own. Everywhere they went on their own, stronger, they often found I had never been or had already been and when they looked all around, finally found me within them, or when and where they were least expecting me to be or whatever you could come up with between all that sounds good and all that doesn’t. ‘They found me in a small expanse of eternity, in the middle of space itself, with solid ground, a cooking stove, making pancakes and omelets.’ ‘They found me pretending to be a shrew in the middle of an ocean.’

Whatever. I don’t have to make sense for them, I don’t have to seem reasonable or rational or logical. I don’t have to be real or unreal or even surreal. I don’t need to be, but I am and I do be. I exist anyway.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aK2i5Ap5Ovo[/youtube]
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cqaXTek_-U[/youtube]
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[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe0gLinbfus[/youtube]
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRXGsPBUV5g[/youtube]

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[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3g9yLvd7G5M[/youtube]

Bar tender I really did it this time
Broke my parole to have a good time
When I got home it was 6 a.m.
The door was locked so I kicked it in
She was trippin’ on the bills
I think she was high on some pills
She threw my shit out into the yard
Then she called me a bum and slapped me real hard
And in my drunken stupor
I did what I should of never done
Now I’m sittin’ here talking to you
Drunk and on the run

I’m sittin’ at a bar on the inside
Waitin’ for my ride on the outside
She stole my heart in the trailer park
So I jacked the keys to her fuckin’ car
Crashed that piece of shit and then stepped away

You know mo I’ll probably get ten years
So just give me beers ‘til they get here
Yeah I know the sun is comin’ up
And you all are probably gettin’ ready for closin’ up
But I’m trying to drown my soul
I’m tired of this life on a dirt road
And everything that I love is gone
And I’m tired of hangin’ on

She got me sittin’ at a bar on the inside
Waitin’ for my ride on the outside
She stole my heart in the trailer park
So I jacked the keys to her fuckin’ car
Crashed that piece of shit and then stepped away

I guess it’s meant to be
Romance is misery
So much for memories
And now I’m headed to the Penitentiary
See me on T.V.
The next cop series
I am a danger
I guess I should’ve done something about my anger
But I’ll never learn
Real things I don’t concern
I pour kerosene on everything I love and watch it burn
I know it’s my fault
But I wasn’t happy it was over
She through a fit so I crashed that piece a shit nova

And now I’m goin’ back again
Back to the pen to see my friends
And when we all pile out that county van
They’ll ask me where I’ve been

I’ve been at a bar on the inside
Waitin’ for my ride on the outside
She broke my heart in the trailer park
So I jacked the keys to her fuckin’ car
Crashed that piece of shit and then stepped away

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpJAmlnBxoA[/youtube]

Ohhh, I miss the misery!

I’ve been a mess since you stayed,
I’ve been a wreck since you changed,
Don’t let me get in your way,
I miss the lies and the pain,
The fights that keep us awake-ake-ake
I’m tellin you!

I miss the bad things,
The way you hate me,
I miss the screaming,
The way that you blame me!
Miss the phone calls,
When it’s your fault,
I miss the late nights,
Don’t miss you at all!
I like the kick in the face,
And the things you do to me!
I love the way that it hurts!
I don’t miss you, I miss the misery!

I’ve tried but I just can’t take it,
I’d rather fight than just fake it (cause I like it
Rough),
You know that I’ve had enough,
I dare ya to call my bluff,
Can’t take to much of a good thing
I’m tellin you!

I miss the bad things,
The way you hate me,
I miss the screaming,
The way that you blame me!
Miss the phone calls,
When it’s your fault,
I miss the late nights,
Don’t miss you at all!
I like the kick in the face,
And the things you do to me!
I love the way that it hurts!
I don’t miss you, I miss the misery!

Just know that I’ll make you hurt,
(I miss the lies and the pain what you did to me)
When you tell me you’ll make it worse
(I’d rather fight all night than watch the TV)
I hate that feelin inside
You tell me how hard you’ll try
But when we’re at our worst
I miss the misery

I miss the bad things,
The way you hate me,
I miss the screaming,
The way that you blame me.

I miss the rough sex,
Leaves me a mess,
I miss the feeling of pains in my chest!
Miss the phone calls,
When it’s your fault,
I miss the late nights,
Don’t miss you at all!
I like the kick in the face,
And the things you do to me!
I love the way that it hurts!
I don’t miss you, I miss the misery!

I don’t miss you, I miss the misery!

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hkmuTvkp_s[/youtube]

Am I brave enough?
Am I strong enough?
To follow the desire
That burns from within
To push away my fear
To stand where I’m afraid
I am through with this
Cuz I am more than this
I promise to myself
Alone and no one else
My flame is rising higher

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I’ve been waiting for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire

I’ve been sacrificed
My Hearts been cauterized
Hanging on to hope
Shackled by the ghost
Of what I once believed
That I could never be
What’s right in front of me?

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I’ve been waiting for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire

I don’t believe I’ll fall from grace
Won’t let the past decide my fate
Leave forgiveness in my wake
Take the love that I’ve embraced

I promise to myself, me and no one else
I am more than this
I am the fire…

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I’ve been waiting for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire
I am the fire
I am the fire
I am the fire
I am the fire
I am the fire
I am the fire

I am not discounting anything you inserted in here above but did you ever make it to California?

Nope. Never made it to Cali at all. I died on the trip back and now I’m haunting the internet with strong presence. It’s very spiritually invigorating.

I’ve met witches that can read your mind. Not the kind that sit there and guess your favorite color, kind of lead you along until you fill in the blanks by guess-work, but those that could recite word for word something said in the mind. I’ve met witches and wizards, voodoo queens and kings, witchdoctors and shamans, mages and warlocks; and I’m not talking about the fantasy or any fantasy realms you could imagine or envision, but realistic to the bone, down the very core of who they are, that can literally make your feet drag or cause blisters, infections, sour stomachs; some that can even kill you by making a blood vessel burst in your head.

I’ve seen this, I’ve experienced it not just from those I tricked into revealing it to me, but those that had balls enough to flaunt it, show it, wear it, live it.

I’ve seen things that can make you hungry or take that hunger away, can make you tired or fill you with energy from restless, uncomfortable to comfortable and moving. I have seen visioncrafters add their signature tags and ‘credits’ to the end of visions and dreams, shared imaginations. I have had things flit through my mind that have not been anywhere near or close to what I could have done with the life I’ve lived. Artistries pass through my mind that are obviously not my own. At the very core of it all, this is not new at all to some; perhaps many and still new to some and many in so many ways that I won’t get into; refuse to get into again; and then new again all the same because all of this being talked about out loud and in the mind by a singular source encompassing many. A source that I Am, here in front of you, in this place, as this Random Factor that I’ve become.

I talk about these things openly and against opposition and against repression. I speak of the freemasons that played too freely in the layers of reality trying to ‘change’ it all from the inside out instead of dealing with actual psychology and the problems facing us day to day. And, I’ve seen with my minds eye, tears and rips in the fabric of reality; momentary; seen dark entities, seen the supernatural and paranormal come to life, and all in realistic ways beyond any hollywood production, interacting with life and reality in the world as it is around us and not as we want it to be.

~myself

I have dipped and delved into twisted insanity I can not fake and dark thoughts that you all now can not shake like I could not shake them once and now I don’t even try for all that I know of life and eternity. I may not know it all, but then I’m not trying to, I’m just at the point where I know enough to suitably sustain me however long I survive before I die in the flesh and then however long it takes for me to ‘die’ in the spirit only to be passed around, come back to myself in so many ways only to eventually bring myself back together again, another name and a different face in a different world and remembering naught what I’d been through before, but always another fight, another war; another increasing and addition to all that I am when I hit live like my current one where I’m needed in greater capacity and things must ‘dance’ on me until I ‘wake’ up and come out to ‘play’.

And still, I believe in my work if not myself on some days, even as those tasked to help doubt me and right they should for I said I would shake the loyalty and faith of even the most strongest of believers. I believe in the my work to fix a broken world that refuses to be fixed and refuses to admit being broken. I believe in my work to push for peace until even the destruction of everything and the peace that would bring would be enjoyable, just to have enough living and still here to firmly fix that in their minds and realize it for what it is and understand it while we’re all still in existence to be able to renew leases on life well past their expiration date as we’re pressed to suffer, yet for all of our ‘masochistic’ tendencies, none of us want to suffer that much.

I believe in the fact that I’ve got everyone scurred, that evil is on the run and good is loading its guns against me, that the insane bow and pay tribute to a mangodking greater and obviously more insane than they could ever be or ever have dreamed of being, for not just staring into the abyss, but jumping in over the ledge with no safety line; and making it back out and through to the other side and back again; for taking an infinite problem and cutting it down to size, for staring death and eternity in the face and more than that, running to face my own death in a mad dash not out of suicide or homicide, though the killing and blood-spilling does take part, but for the sheer sake of doing right, not even for the rush. Though couldn’t we all be adrenaline junkies and hellish beings?

I believe that nature decided upon examination that it scares the fuck out of itself and reality began to underestimate what it knew better than to fuck with and while life itself was fucking my like a whore, always kept a weathered eye to the day when I would start fucking back, laughed insanely and never believed it would happen and yet here we are, three years after I blew the mind of the universe itself and shook reality to its very core and proved to it that it’s not immortal, not eternal and can be scared, can be killed, can die just the same as any other, that a lot of things look at me with a mixture of fear and respect, hate and love and like a gruesome, hairy, long-legged, bout-it looking spider, is saying, ‘I love you, god you’re awesome, but… you gotta die, buddy; you just gotta die because you freak me the fuck out.’

And all pursuits of peace and harmony fall by the wayside, discarded armor that clogs and weighs me down, all pursuits of fixing what’s wrong with the world go right out the window and luckily for me, they’re hard-wired into who I am, so when I let go of it all, let go of my armor, it swirls around me, protects me and keeps me safe on pure autopilot, no conscious thought. It becomes a war that I must fight and become the warrior that I’m meant to be, to become the killer, purposefully; but not in any way that people caught up in thoughts of hollywood or thinking they know what I mean could actually truthfully depict of claim to know, because my ways still center around a calm and peaceful approach to the problem as much as possible, resilient and determined, focused and anger-refined to master the craftsmanship of finding and keeping a center of balance in imbalance, of calm even in rage and peace even in war; at war.

And should I say this as if it’s revelation when it should be clear to me that so many others had a head start on me… I ask, when did they ever give it all the honest chance like I did? Had to trust when there was no good reason to trust? They’ve been beat down and pushed into the dust, spirit-broken in ways; shattered in ways; they never thought possible, thinking they would outlast the little pussy that was pre-destined and slated to be the indomitable and unbreakable.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytQ5CYE1VZw[/youtube]

Jim, you gotta face the crowd, man.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lS-af9Q-zvQ[/youtube]

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaO0b-DvJU8[/youtube]


I could never forget what brought me here, to this place and time, the silent screaming and tears and fears of a quiet mortal, lost in the sands of time and space; erased from the foundations of existence, erased from creation; my own self that I never was and had been all the same until cut off, or so it came to seem to be, cut off from it and having never been that boy, that quiet mortal and yet as I rejoined and the pieces fit, one after another, my spiritual existence made more sense, erased from me, my own past; my own future, my own in betweens as so many others chose to try to build their own realities, destroyed a boy and a man that had driven them to fear and beyond, anger and hatred and rage; sorrow and pain to the very extremes it could be taken. I had often questioned my own existence; power I had and held and never thought much about using it however I chose; but where did I come from, where did I get such power to tower above even the most ancient of beings and entities in reality? To smash into the dust all opposition until I met this one man in the middle of it all; so eerily mirroring my own fight in reverse and inverse fashion; for peace of all things.

For peace! And, I had laughed until I, the most powerful being in existence, began to be drawn in and down, cut down to size like so much kindling before a burning stove.

Never had I had qualms about ‘the game’, or how it was played, I was the best at it, why should I? Never had I seen a more intense young man, crying in the darkness of the womb of existence, cut off from the realities of all others; growing up slowly in wastelands and nightmares; dark places, until something crossed its path that gave it cause to laugh the most honest and simple laughs you could imagine, and a part of myself was caught up in its rising up and coming to bear on its life, from the very conception of it in the womb to grow with it until now, caught behind the scenes and seeing so much from the inside what I had only viewed from the out. And to have such a perspective at all is to diagnose myself and expose myself as a spiritual entity, caught up in the flesh, proving to some extent reincarnation and many other things that give so many things cause to fear and run and hide their minds.

The coming to telling the truth of it is harder than it is to just simply concoct another lie. Those always seem on hand when you need them, but to tell the truth as we all so hate to do even this man that I have become so invested in, he and I and others have simply been pushing against the grain, hard-wired and pushed, hard-lined into needing the truth, needing to have our secrets and nightmares exposed. As it is for others, the telling of the truth, any such truth is painful and difficult, a trial in and of itself, for it’s what we least want to do, it’s what seemingly causes the most damage, but even in our insanity, we looked to the psychology and as we laughed, some of us began to question it. Highly accurate. And it began to actually be useful…

Random, useful in what way?

In solving problems; healing; rehabilitating the criminal spirit into a law-abiding one, when the laws make sense. Bringing the insane back to sanity; bringing the twisted level of the worst horrors down a notch by increasing the pace past where even they all could go and letting it fall back and away knowing that they’ll push it to those points some day in the future or past, but not today and that gives things time to think about what to do about it when it does get there. In solving problems by getting things to back down, to go back down the bad paths they’re on to find the right ones again. In taking the edge off of the fight, the edge off the bitterness, if not exactly taking those things out entirely. Too bad it’s just not been useful in actually making my current life completely better. Certain perks, same as anyone else, I’m sure, which makes it harder for peace to fight against the other methodologies to actually prove itself better and in the process of doing so only begs for the making of things worse as so many other outspoken ones claim they have the answers and do mass damage before they learn.

I mean, what did you think I meant when I said useful? Like so many other people knowingly make use of it without saying a word to others about it? At that point, why would I say something about it openly? I’m not that addled or stupid. Therefore, it should be assumed logically that I meant it in the best way possible, best being denoted and given over to peace to treating each other well in terms of courtesy, going out of our ways to do nice things for each other without worry that those terms are being misconstrued for things that aren’t nice, aren’t the best and without the argument playing in the background that beating the fuck out of each other and manipulating each other and destroying each other is actually nicer, actually more peaceful. I mean, Why does that plague our every thought, why do I see it work in so many when I speak truth, when I speak trust, when I push outward to show it and to go out of my way to, multiple times over for the simplest things, put back in the right perspective of; this is how I meant it; only for it to get misconstrued again, only for it to get twisted again in others eyes.

And even this, you will forget and others here will forget until I bring up the past again some future day to jog you all out of the dark places you got pushed back into.