I’m afraid to say that this ride is not over; not by a long shot. Together we are bound and together we seek to undo the binds that bind us together and through it all we find ourselves becoming enemies of reality and enemies of so many we’d rather not be enemies toward as they become our enemies and enemies of us in strange and magnificent ways, horror-shrouded as they slowly niggle at the edges of the peripheries of our mental and physical vision; ‘they can not mean it that way, they can not be serious.’
Why so serious? I’m sorry repeated insanely in eternity, drowned out by so many other things, an echoing cry of extreme rage, frustration, helplessness becoming what they know of the sound of madness beyond chaos the cacophony of sound and vision and all masking that sorrowful voice that so honestly and trembling, crying, ‘I’m sorry!’
Were you all to know what I know and hear what I hear and see what I see beyond just secondhand tragedy, torment and trauma as I submit time and again another tidbit of the darkness within myself, a darkness ever present; few dreams, few nightmares when I close my eyes, but a constant rumbling of voices here and there beyond my mental ‘hearing’ and adding to the layers of my suffering, my sleep has often been nothing more than just darkness, troubled or complete to wake the next day refreshed, at peace. What has broken through has rarely ever been ‘golden’ or ‘nice’, but war and violence, pain and agony, horror and emotionally scarring.
I know not what each of you have suffered in your lives or your deaths or your eternal visages but for some reason I doubt that it has been to the same degree for every bit of what it could be centers around me as the source of all of your pain, agony, joy… how could any of you truly know or understand mine. You could never live my life, would never be allowed to, even sneaking in and catching bits and pieces, you could never live mine. Even if you thought you had, you never felt it the same, never suffered the same, lived it differently in one way or the other, were caught being found not to be me.
lived my life, they said?, I questioned, how so? Lived it my way? Doubtful. Doubt they could see it through. And even if they could, what then could be said except they were pushed to perform the task to rise to a challenge and still did not experience it the same as me.
I tossed my life’s chip into the piles of others and said for them to ante up, but I doubt they understood exactly what I meant. I said to hoist the flags, we be pirates, as I was forced into rebellion simply for fighting for peace as they sought in every way to stop me from succeeding. Still, I remain free, bound as I am. I refuse to bow my head, refuse to duck, refuse to bend. And, since they have made me to be the worst and best criminal in eternity for fighting a war that was necessary to fight, for fighting for a peace that as soon as I earned my right, had it stolen from me again by those all around me who refused to give up what is to be lead to true peace and instead continue to try to have it their way. Since I have found and truly seen that, in eternity, a true peace is impossible and have gone the distance, in fact, it was the first thing I did with my life to put my all into it and do my best and, if nothing else, to get it done and out of the way.
Now I have gone the distance and seen it torn to shreds, had it unraveled, all that I loved torn and ripped from me, my sanity raped before I ever got this far into the game to begin purposefully doing so to others. And, at 30, near 31, am still in my prime, still an eternal; will still grace the eternal scene throughout all aspects of reality even after my death, for countless eons to come. Now that I have tried in every way for peace, have tried in every way for reason, have found answers that should have soothed and sated; most definitely did soothe and sate my own self, there is nothing left holding me back. I have made sure that it is the wrong answer, I have made sure through countless engagements, countless face-to-faces that it is wrong. I am not stupid, I did not need all of those to learn what I already knew, what pushed me so hard to push against all that fought against me. Like the old vampire lore that stated that vampires and other agents of darkness needed permission to enter, I knocked at the door and said, this is what I was taught, this is what is taught all over the world…; is this wrong?
And surely no clear answer came to me. They gave no answer at all, and many said no, it is right and so I continued on, only to be told by so many in so many ways that I just didn’t get it, needed to get out into the world to see what it was like and all I’ve seen around me by doing so has been nothing more than the same that they themselves have taught me. And, as I continued to push and fight for peace because it must be right, I found myself slipping, found myself caring less and less for it as the more I saw was that I gave them their version and they still turned and sought to get rid of me, slap in the face after slap in the face as insanity began to claim me.
And, I know, I scare the shit out of them, for all of this effort put into peace, I wield a force greater than they could ever hope to force to their beck and call. I have crafted true leaders and called them to me, have allowed them their own rights to act as they see fit, without permission needed from me. If I can not trust others around me to do what they do, to act on what they see that I do not, then they would waste time coming to me to tell me about it and inform me, and still I must know what goes on, must still be that piece. I have recruited to this task not just those that want peace, not just those that believed as I tried to believe, but even the worst of the worst, even brutal pirates, even remnants of ancient dynasties crafted from blood and ‘glory’. Those that had seen things I had never seen in ways I could not see but am beginning to; not just to act on their own experience, but to teach me and be taught by me.
And still, all my years of fighting for peace, developing reason, understanding all of what is, pushing society forward quite further than where it was, is still just the first stage of a war beyond what many of you have ever even conceived. All of my enemies are marked in very hard-to-ignore ways. The enemies of all of reality for what they have done. And it is not any one marking. I could easily sit here and state that such markings are you all, in continued hatred of insults and trolling methods. I could claim you all here and all those like you to be those enemies, and yet you are not the only ones that destroyed peace and at some point I must even look at my own self in full and with direct honesty and say, for the things that could not be stopped, could not be controlled, I have damaged my own pursuit, knowingly, could do no less. I hit the wall I pushed off from years ago, the point where I knew I was becoming what would be marked as hypocrite, what would be marked as wrong, and could not let it hold me back, because if I did, worse yet would be the state of things than they are now, if I pushed forth, I would have to learn something new and there was nowhere to go. Like video games, the main storyline just would not have continued otherwise and I didn’t waste time overly long on making the decision.
But, just the same, the nature of my war, my fight and my self changes from peace to war, through insanity and with insanity and I skip not a beat for having made this transition naturally as through peace and fighting for it, my bungee has extended its frayed cords and its erratic bouncing to deliver me at the very last to my feet on solid ground right as it snapped completely, not just once, but every single time and so I find myself having been delivered unto insanity in this same fashion, calmly and peacefully and forward I go, the eternal king and warrior into the next stage as I push from attacking the homeless around me as was their will and want of me and push toward attacking the very society, the very legal system that I once fought for and sought to see made clear and clean of corruption; a feat I know will never happen. I know my own death; I know my own life, I no longer wish it to be clean, no longer wish it to be clear. At the very point of knowing that the bullet will find my head, at the very point of knowing that they seek my head, that they seek to condemn the war hero I am and brand me as the criminal I know that I am, I intend to do what I have done to every place I have ever been and shake this world to the core of its foundations, to gut it on my way out, the same as I have done to every community I have ever passed through.
I will destroy it all and when I am gone, if it carries on, it will go on knowing that its time is metered and measured and that the end of its days; the end of humanity; will follow it and hound it until at the last, all vestiges of this atrocity and abomination; not to nature, but to peace, will be erased from time and space. That like every place I have ever been, the destruction will not be immediate, the deaths never instant, and the decay and downward spiral will still be complete. I know enough and too much; I see my enemies and my prey twist in torment, squirm in their seat as they each in turn meet my gaze against their will, each thinking they had my measure, each mistaking my meaning.
And today I struck the first true blow toward this goal, in self-defense against law enforcement, already having taken the sting out of their attack ahead of time as I passed through their innermost defenses. I will tear it down brick by brick while it all still stands as I prove myself to be terrorist and still the most loyal son of a bitch anybody could ever know. And even though it all will continue past my death, perhaps for some ages to come, it will crumble around them, crumble around humanity and as far as it runs, as it picks up the pace, develops the technology to get the fuck off of this planet turned against them and enter into that last frontier, that last wild west, they know they will enter into a ground and stage already set against them, for all of their running, for all of their fighting, they find themselves eternally in my charlie foxtrot, in my stomping grounds, reminded constantly that they can not keep me out, could not do more than ruin my reality, ruin my eternity, ruin my peace. And they will go hunted by all the rest of existence until not a single human remains.
For they could not rise to their destiny, they fell to their fate. they wanted too much to do it their way. They wanted too much too many things and life was perfect until they entered the scene, when I was the lone human in existence, alone in my kingdom with animals and plants. When my rule and my word was still trusted and respected.