Another shot before I go about another day in another life; another tragedy in an eternity that is sick and tired of tragedies and yet cannot get or obtain any better for all that it tries to do for or against it all. Banging it’s head against a wall that never breaks, never gives, then breaks and gives… too soon or too late? Too little or too much?
And of these fools who think they can take on eternity and reality as a singular entity and take power and exert power, is it not to their detriment and yet to their credit that they can do so for far too long with too little consequence, with the… revenge being too waylaid, the payback unfair, justice delayed and too obscure.
I’m being just a tad too insane, but then again this is my pen-powered insanity, my rant against the world, my war against the nations thereof and my ongoing fight and fuck off and love and hate granted toward eternity, all of reality. My one life, as they say, though I intend to live more than just one; as most others do, I intend to live forever. Perhaps I already have and already will and this is my end result and beginning and therefore come to understand before I ever start and multiple times throughout my journey and at the very end of another mere beginning I come back to this life somehow randomly delivered on factors beyond mere sentience and conjecture, pure coincidence or, for some strange reason no matter how old I may get in the coming eternities somehow still fall for old tricks all the same.
And if this is the case beyond all the arguments against and for, for such to be insanely conjectured, not just one, but many, but still just one and then many and many more with not a one or the one in sight…
Because, I bet you once upon a time or two… I bet you that in eternity you’d do most anything whether you wanted to or not, and perhaps everything in every order and given longer time and no more reason not to, turn to everything all over again only to find something new, a brand new avenue or two that took you on another adventure or two off in some other place that you began to enjoy until remembering all the same that it’s just another variation, only to be found here again and going over everything again and again until madness did claim every single one of you and us and I and when it came to be that we were dragged forward again by those still claiming NO NO NO NO NO… Where did we go, what did we lose on the way when true madness and insanity did grip us and lay claim…
Arguing and fighting against and saying, no, no, no, no, no, this can not be true… as some hideous visage of a beautiful man who claimed to be God turned with coldness in his heart and no love left for lies and said quite savagely at times, quite calmly at others, every single bit of it is true in every single way in every single facet all at the same time and all at different times, all at opposites and not opposite and is this not the law and actuality of paradox that is paradox and not paradox at the same time in so many vast and varying degrees?
For this I will die, for this I have killed, for this I have denied an immortal life that can not be had at this time only to hope and reach for it in some other life where I can actually once again grab and grasp an immortal life for an eternity or two in flesh and blood to be the one to kill everyone in ways beyond the spirit and mind, in flesh itself; again in a life where I would rather not, where things wrap me up and make me perform all the same to the same tune and piper that becomes me in another life, in the same life, in every life and if such is evil or good or beyond such things, what difference were it to make if we were told we could do something we knew we could do that others of us knew we couldn’t and knew we didn’t want to at the same time as knowing we did as we try to convince ourselves of what we already know all the way around and around like scientists science experiments in a centrifuge separating liquids and seeing what comes of it and then to do so again with plans in hand to get specific results to make things that they can make, another weapon to our arsenal for all of the claims of it never being such at all and sure enough some are trying to tell the truth, but it all becomes war again in the end, peace again in the war.
I see repeatedly a bullet in my head, between my eyes. My constant goad as threats are given, nut up or shut up; either I die today and one less worry tomorrow or I live until I die and such a convenient thing it is that I either die by a gunshot blast to my head between my eyes or I live until I die, but do I ever see old age at all in this life? What is true prophecy and what is not when so much overshadows, when so much plays out day by day and even it doesnt happen exactly as foreseen, doesn’t it happen all the same, anyway?
And with the damage done as I fought for peace, have I not become the worst criminal in existence without even trying? I am branded as traitor with treason against my country, a mass murderer they can do nothing about, have stolen and disrupted the peace from the very hearts and minds of all around me and have done far worse than all those who have ever tried to do be the criminal, have gained more infamy than I have ever gained a single ounce of a peace that I now have to take by force from the very minds of the very citizens that I once sought to protect and now despise for all of their lies and for the repeating of the world that I grew up in and revenge becomes my calling card as I righteously and self-righteously, unpityingly and unsympathetically destroy every vestige of community and society as surely as I sought to build it up and to worse degree than any who ever sought to do it purposefully against me as they destroyed everything I loved and I destroyed it more than they ever could and again they are not jealous but looking at me as a madman genius for they know they’re wrong, fucked up and faulty, but for all of that, I am not and have done far worse than they ever could while caught up in fighting me they helped me destroy the very sanctity of the insanity we all had been so unaware of.
And none of you will ever be the same, I have raped your sanity; raped your peace of mind; raped your world and so my death no matter how it comes will come deservedly and I will face it with a smile on my face knowing that there was nothing that could be done to avoid my fate; nothing that could be done to escape my destiny. That as I leave this world behind, I will rip so much from you all in the passing from it that the very future fades from sight and naught is known about the fate of mankind other than perhaps they carry on, carrying a worse stain than 2000 years ago when they killed a Jesus Christ in mystery and myth if not in actuality and reality itself. A mockery they and you have made of what it all should be and have blamed me for it, blamed me for existing, yet exalted me as your King in one form or another even if none of you ever truly admitted it, from life time to life time as deprived from all that so many others have, I walk the lonely paths, walk the dark paths, walk the paths that each of you could claim you had walked as I deprive you all from being able to rightfully prove or claim or share in my rising fame. No doubt that each of you are me and I am you all and where I go you all go, sadly and lamentably, but know that I hate and detest and love and just RJKLWJKHFJ:WH:JFVHWJ:HV:JWH, you know?
I am the best and the worst, the beast and the man, the devil and the god, the first and the last. And still, there is no end to this debauchery of eternity as all of time and space stares on and peers in, dumbfounded and amazed, horrified and amused. YOLO? One Life? who the fuck are you kidding? Would you ever be satisfied with just one? Would you ever let some jackass multitude ever convince you that they could keep you down for an entire eternity, keep you out? Keep you from getting exactly what you want and deserve? Who the fuck are you all kidding? Discard this name and face? Have I not shown how easy I shed names, how easy I shed faces? And will still forever be known and can never be truly locked out completely, somehow get in again and again?
I beg it, I ask for it, I have said it in so many ways throughout my life that has unnerved so many and staid their hands, but kill me, get it over, this isn’t the life where I get what I deserve or what I need, this isn’t the life where I get an actual success as more than a tragedy. Put a bullet in my head if you want me to shut up and know that even in death my voice will probably still haunt and so it becomes that they’re doubly unnerved and afraid that even a bullet to the brain won’t shut my ass up or keep me down, that my body may even heal itself up, push the bullet out and for all of the beliefs that someone who comes back from the dead is no longer the same, I bring to the table my resume of life and say NO FUCKING SHIT YOU COCKSUCKING FUCKS, but I’ll still be me all the same and perhaps I won’t even give a fuck at all at that point and maybe then, if it comes to that hypotheticality, I’ll begin my killing spree that I have staid my own hand from, waiting for something worth putting aside all that I have tried to believe in and be about. And God help them if it comes to that, because if they unload their guns on me and I still am not dead, they’ll certainly regret it.
Convince each other and yourselves that this is madness I’m spewing, crazy talk. Convince yourselves that it’s not true, not able to be done; convince yourselves, it matters not. I am not God, I am beyond; was never that bullshit but over-rode and destroyed the image, tore down the spirit. I was never what they knew of the being, and yet part of his story rings true for me all the same. Alpha and Omega? Beginning and End? First and Last? Majestic in his beauty and works and yet terrifying in his wrath? Sounded right up my alley.
And this Jesus Christ motherfucker who became a wannabe-me. A ‘Christ’, from Christos, meaning ‘of God’, tying into my name Christopher, which somehow coincidentally comes close to ‘Lucifer’, and my middle name ‘Michael’, from Saint Christopher and Saint Michael to Michael the Archangel, to Lucifer, prince of lies and devil to God the demon madman, the old bastard, every story they tell in frightening exaggeration and frightening truth and every stone turned over to see what was beneath only has me finding more and more beings that have filled these rolls and their stories are ever close to each other in frightening similarities and stark differences all the same, each one a tribute and a mockery to all that I am.
Jesus Christ who himself thought he would be me when his gaze pierced time and space. I am tired of it. Every theology? Every line of sight? Every branch of the tree of life AND the tree of death? This is me? What is attached to MY name and face as it stands in this life? And these are the least of my titles, what come so prominently, because I’d rather at times be the director, the teacher, the actor, the thief, the warrior, the poet, the cultural guru, and so many other roles I could fill all the same and just as well. They want me as a judge? Jury and Executioner? As this:
The judge bunny that preceded Ishtar, that preceded Jesus Christ, the judge bunny that ruled Easter Island, predating even fertility rituals, this is what they want me to be again, says an archaic spirit as it comes to me again. And I refused it, walked right through it, but this is what they made of me anyway. They wanted me to be death, to be law, to be order, to be balance; but they wanted it their way, wanted me to be their bitch of a tool for what they wanted all of these things to be and thus made me these things to far worse degree as they fought for me to be by their ways for their means as I fought against and became anyway.
These things I have found out, these things I have gone in search of; these things I have found answers for because they have pertained to me and remain pertinent to me and not a single damn one of you. They don’t hold the same meaning, don’t hold the same force. So, that is how I know that I am not all of you, that none of you are me, that individuality beyond lies was conceived and held and had and that we are part of mass-consciousness, not constantly sharing brain space as so many spirits beyond the flesh would claim and have us believe as they over-ride our thoughts, destroy every remnant of what each of us have learned to try to convince us of so much beyond the truth and so much lesser than it and it does not matter because through time and space they have bound others to them with their lies, have gained their power and tried to destroy mine and my life will most assuredly end with a bullet to the brain as these ‘attacks’ come in waves, as so many are driven insane and the madness becomes ingrained; engraved.
In fire and pain you’ll find me again and again throughout eternity; in dangerous darkness, again and again you will find me when you all forget. Because those places are where I’m the safest, where nobody else goes, where all of you fear to tread.
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7BFOzG5X0Q[/youtube]