The other day, I walked 10 miles outside of Redding, heading west, to see if I could find a bridge. In the course of being homeless and traveling, I have found a certain fondness to be under bridges. It’s nice, there’s usually a river or creek and I’m out of view so people aren’t likely to hassle me. On top of it, if it rains heavy, I’m out of the rain. And, after 8 months of being in Redding, it’s become a little bit suffocating. Almost everyone I run into smokes meth and there isn’t too much good business being done that isn’t trying to underhand others around them. So, I walked ten miles and found not a single place to get out of the rain if I wanted to get out of town for a bit, but did walk far enough to see the Dam that Shasta County has in its area and I was glad for that, at least. It was a beautiful sight and shasta county does have beautiful scenery. On top of it, in town, it’s been raining a lot recently and as much as natives say that this is the norm for this part of the US, I’ve a strong feeling that it’s not, and when it rains as it has been raining, there’s just not enough room for all of the homeless and it breeds an air of desperation and despair. With all of the homeless that ruin it for everyone else (and it’s not like they don’t have a reason for leaving their trash and disrespecting society) and for the lack of compassion and empathy and understanding on the part of people who have homes, the homeless are being pushed out of the only dry spots they have available to them simply due to the slight discomfort of the rest of society around them.
And, it’s rather a pity that many of the homeless had no choice to but to be homeless. They say, go get a job as if everybody is able to. They say it without knowing our situation, without knowing our surroundings, without any sense of knowing reality whatsoever.
So far, I’ve walked a couple of miles to the south looking for such a place outside of town that I could camp if need be, a couple miles to the west and just yesterday, I traveled to the north and found a decent place for sunny days and clear nights, but then there are several of those places in town and outside in any direction. Huge hill to the north and the weather turned again during the night, so it looks like more rain. I’ll have to wait until that clears and then take a chance on the next sunny day as the weather and assholes who want to try to control it to drown the ‘homeless rats’ show their capriciousness and finicky natures. If we’re rats, if we’re less than human, what are they that are caught in their ways of life without choice? What are they that turn on their own kind and refuse understanding, refuse reasoning, refuse to do anything but hate and make life harder all around?
Either way, it doesn’t bother me much other than I still fight for a better world. I largely no longer give a fuck other than I’m put into discomfort by it all. If not for the sheer momentum of my years spent at a harder pace and if not for taking it out of my own hands to have things force me to fight for a better world even when I don’t necessarily want to or have the incentive to, I’d largely have just given up and just become much like a comatose vegetable, waiting for the end of my days and years. Waiting for the bullet between the eyes I’ve seen so much in my minds’ eye.
And, I truly don’t say this for sympathy or pity. It’s just a simple truth. Beyond fear, beyond apathy, beyond the need to make others feel shitty for it, it’s pure acceptance of the fact that I am dead, have been dead, will die completely some day and just no longer care though I’m not in a hurry to meet that fate if, by any chance, my life can become better by the time I die. I’ve already faced it completely, already looked death square in the eyes. Even on my worst days, I’m not broken, I’m not completely down. I can get up if need be. There’s no strong emotion attached to it. There’s no lack of emotion. It’s just speaking simple truth that I have to explain and then when I explain it because I have to, so many other things try to push their perceptions of the emotions I should be feeling while I state these simple truths. A lot of things are going to be put through massive amounts of pain for it all, and that is my revenge for every time I’ve played fair, shot myself in the foot to do right, cut my losses, etcetera.
Even 10 miles outside of town is not something I can’t walk to in just a couple hours. Nothing I can’t walk back to get into town when I need to for food in the same couple of hours on a different day. And, I prize my alone time away from other people even if I can’t get away from the voices and visions in my mind. I prize being able to get away for a couple days to a week or two to clear my head to some degree, have food and water enough to last me so I can actually manage to get away for more than just a couple of hours and I know it’s a journey that many of those in town can’t make and I’m happy for it that whatever enemies I may have can see me walk down that road and will be unable to follow. For one, they don’t have the leg muscles built up for it. Walking somewhere out of town is different than walking all day in town. having the supplies they would need for such a journey is something they’re not used to thinking about. Having the pack to be able to fill it with the things they need similarly not what they’re used to and even if it is, it’s still different carrying it with you when most of them are used to stashing it somewhere or having others watch it for them while they work their hustles, and then comes the dependency on their hustles, on the people around them, on the town itself.
Beyond that, there’s the knowledge that outside of town is a different type of danger. More possibilities of wild animals, of being hunted like wild animals themselves by their fellow humans where the law won’t necessarily care and they have nobody who will miss them when they’re gone enough to raise a cry to have something done about it. There’s a lot of other factors that play into it, but for all of those, the simple fact is that many of them are stuck in town, stuck in their ways of life no different than those who work and who have jobs. Those who aren’t stuck are the rare few.
So, on a different day than today, I’ll continue to look for a place outside of city limits where I can go at times while I stay here in Redding even during harsh weather. Looks like rain today, and it’s chilly. Best to stay close to town where I know I can find limited shelter here and there. It pays to be patient when it comes to life and death, pays not to get too far ahead of practicality or keeping your wits about you. Pays not to panic.
And, I’m not quite dead yet for all of my statements of being dead already. Have I not already stated clearly that I have mastered the art of self-healing and self-resurrection and self-forgiveness and, for this, am marked as the greatest criminal of eternity? For going legit, for overcoming the stigma of being just another criminal, for actually rehabilitating my own self, I am marked as the greatest criminal. My infamy most assuredly wipes others completely off the board.