Its not that ego and narcissism would cause me to suffer, its the simple fact that they would interfere with my work. Id likely get more caught up in them if i spent too much time self congratulating and self masturbating than actually doing things of value and would, over time, lose sight of more important things. Theyve also never been what I was about before a certain point, i got called on them at a certain point when they arose as rebound insecurities ro the insecurities I once had and was thankful for being called on them at the same time as noting they were just rebound insecurities and not actual confidence. I noticed that people hated people who were too egotistic and narcissistic and furthermore I didnt want to be hated. That those who were egotistic, vain, narcissistic were largely disrespected and I wanted further to be respected, that they lead to god complexes and I did not want a god complex. All of that would truthfully interrupt all work of value that Ive been doing and cause me to lose sight that I was never that important to that work in term of being more than a vessel that it flows through. And, just because, now, Im vitally important to that work, it doesnt mean that I even want to get a big head about it because I enjoy the work, I find it fascinating and what i want to be about more than anything else.
I mean if you want to get down to it, i dont think it would geatly impact my work right now, i could indulge a bit if you want. Im out of practice, though, let me see if I can drag it up…
What bothers you all most, that I call my shots out ahead of time, or that they actually land home, that I state myself to be a great man or that its actually true. What fucks with you more, that I state myself to be wise or go through and actually prove it? Didnt you know that I am the greatest I Am from the most infinite loser, the unrelenting, the equalizer, the first and last man standing, the ultimate survivor of ultimate suvivors of ultimate survivors. I think it bothers you all that I could, can and do talk about myself all the time and never once nave it be ego or narcissisim but using examples of things I know best to drive home important lessons, objective examples, that I am and have been my favorite guinea pig test subject up to a certain point and when it comes down to it, have had to make you all my guinea pigs without even asking your permission because had I asked even for the greatest of good things, would have been told no. And the worst part of it for you all is that you all do the same and have had not great things in mind, are often doing it unintentionally and unknowingly until its pointed out which makes you all far more hypocritical than I. The worst part? Even in attempts such as this to show ego and vanity and narcissism, I still drop the ball and cant even be those things because of the truth that rings through.
You honestly think i could never understand what its like to want to have never existed at all, but thats only because you have not seen where i have been and where ive come from. I got tired of wanting things that couldnt be true and wasting my time and so got busy making my existence be worth something for me being here regardless of want.
My karma is infinite. The karma banks would never have been able to pay off all the good karma ive accrued and still accrue. Its like powet to the nth degree or tenure. I can do whatever the fuck i want to and still have it bring good karma. i could even accrue bad karma for years and for the way things are would still only be good karma.
What you hate the most is that i have every right to tear you down and destroy you, i tried to lift you up, tried not to cut you down and you resented me for it. As meek and as weak as you felt, as lost to insecurity and self hate as you might have been, my every action has thus far caused you to turn on me and fight me while i have tried to be about so many things other than fighting.
You and others literally cause all your own damage as you blame me for it. You swing on me, shoot at me, stab at me, and have your own momentum returned to you in such a way as to cause your own black eyes, own bullet wounds, own stabbings and furthermore blame me and hate me because i am faultless.
I am better than you. That is not ego. In so many others those words spoken that way would be ego. In others, I, me, my would be empty narcissism instead of talking about ones life or using oneself as an example. In others, claiming to be beautiful would be nothing more than empty vanity, yet in me is just an expression of truth for having long seen myself to be ugly and what should i care about any of it making you feel worse when you feel worse only by comparing where you are now to where ive wound up after years of hard damn works that have made me earn every bit of who i am.
Do not expect me to care or sympathize with you as you attack me. Do not expect mercy. I am the storm, yes, but you and others have been the shit upon it. You have made yourselves shit and would have me blame myself for my own existence which i had no say in the matter of for your reactions to my existence. I am not to blame for the actions or reactions of others as they shirk personal responsibility.