Btw, for the analytical males, perhaps with lordship in mind and heart…
If you want to learn how to love in real terms, do the following intellectual exercises, with a little bit of real practical effort, just to ensure that your theorizing is on track:
determine exactly what would be required BY YOU to ensure, with near zero doubt, that your car would continue high performance for at least 100 years.
determine exactly what would be required BY YOU to ensure, with near zero doubt, that your single tomato plant will keep producing tomatoes for at least 100 years.
determine exactly what would be required BY YOU to ensure, with near zero doubt, that your dog would live happily for at least 100 years.
determine exactly what would be required BY YOU to ensure, with near zero doubt, that your wife would live happily for at least 100 years.
determine exactly what would be required BY YOU to ensure, with near zero doubt, that your life would be happily for at least 200 years.
And if you can’t figure any of that out, you might want to examine just how deserving of love you really are yourself.
But I’ll give a hint to those 5 exercises:
They all have the same, fairly complex answer.
There was a qualifier you missed… Treat her as well as I feel that I should have. I was depressed for a noticeable amount of the relationship and therefore I didn’t treat her as well as I believe I should have.
She was also 18, it was the summer before she started college, when we first got romantic. I didn’t approach her this time around, her father encouraged her to call me… I hadn’t asked about her or thought about her for quite a while.
We broke up a little under 9 years ago and yes I still had questions, because she wasn’t decent enough to be honest with me. I’m currently reflecting on life, dealing with my experiences. This means that I’m trying to understand those experiences, so I can better understand myself.
She gave me a reason, just like she did before. I believe it to be false, just like before. She validated my prior belief by admitting that the original reasons were indeed “bullshit” according to her own words.
It’s not the intimate details that she is afraid of, it’s the fear of having to face her previous actions. She believes that her actions were wrong and therefore doesn’t wish to be judged. She has been trying to hide from her conscience since before we broke up. She has learned to cope by denying and escaping.
If my intention was revenge or to be vindictive… I would already have what I want. She is a miserable person and has been for many years… This doesn’t give me enjoyment, it makes me sad, I don’t like seeing people suffer.
Ultimately, I’m going to do what my conscience tells me to do. At this point, it’s telling me to be open and honest, to share my experiences, no matter how embarrassing, painful, hurtful, etc…
I’m tired of being manipulated and controlled by other people and their own personal issues that get projected onto me. It’s time for me to be true to my nature and follow my conscience.
what you say makes sense but, if one does not love one self, one will keep buming into lovers/partners that will teach us that, to love one self because reality is holographic.
what you say can only work out if all people involved in the relationship grasp this, so it works both ways equally. It is all about awareness. But loving the other first, if neglecting what I convey here, is just unworkable, will lead to emotional co-dependency.
Love of self is most important since it requires to know thyself so to speak. Sovereignty is key. It is impossible to have somebody doing the job for one A lack of self love impedes love’s expression however.
look at the world, on a larger scale, helping nations has gone nowhere.
I get what you’re attempting to say… especially point 3(g).
My intention isn’t to screw with her, I was conscious enough to avoid doing so in our conversations. I’m simply processing things… just because I ask philosophical questions doesn’t automatically translate into me acting on my thoughts.
Where I currently see things is… I must love myself first, which means being true to myself. Even if this may cause others discomfort, pain, damage, etc… By not being true to myself, I will only be inflicting these negatives onto my own psyche.
Actions have consequences and we must accept responsibilities for the things we do and/or have done, even if our intentions doesn’t correspond to the results. She must deal with the consequences of her actions, just as I must deal with the consequences of being true to my nature (I.e. being open and honest about my experiences). If I attempt to protect her, I will not be completely open and honest.
I cannot control anyone but myself. Which is exactly what I plan to do, follow my personal code and let other people figure shit out for themselves. It’s about time I be more selfish and love myself before worrying about others.
I would advise otherwise. Who wants a guy who is in love with himself (a narcissist)?
What you (and damn near every male on the planet) needs is a higher goal or purpose to which you are seriously devoted. That purpose is what you “love first”. When and if a she comes along who can love you for being that man so devoted to that purpose, then she will love herself for being someone so devoted (aka “in love”) to him and his purpose. That is what having a “wife” means, aka “helpmate”.
In a philosophical sense, she who is devoted to he who is devoted is a wife, married in spirit.
If you are not true to yourself, what can you offer to anyone besides lies. Loving yourself isn’t necessarily narcissism and narcissism isn’t necessarily loving yourself.
I want to love myself, because love means unconditional acceptance, respect, care, etc… If I can’t do this for myself, how can I truly do it for others?
I have purpose in this world. I help people be the best they can be. I’ve impacted hundreds of people in the past 6 years, I have dozens of these people tell me as much, without solicitation. I didn’t love myself during this period either, I just did what came natural to me… I know I can do more though, unfortunately it’s very difficult when you’re too busy hating yourself… Doing so because of all the conditioning, acculturation, indoctrination and unrealized expectations placed upon you.
Maybe I haven’t been clear either, but I do not seek to get back with this woman. I’ve come to realize that I never actually loved her… I was in love with the concept of being in love and being loved back. I mean yes, I do love every human being, but I’m not in love with them, if that makes sense to you. My true nature is to want to help her, but it’s no more than I want to help anyone else.
To illustrate what I’m speaking of, tomorrow I will be making a video in which I’m cutting my hair and beard (2 + years worth of growth) to help raise funds for a student that lost her father unexpectedly. Then I will be donating the hair to locks of love. That is my true nature and I do it because I love myself enough to follow my conscience. When I didn’t love myself, I was depressed and apathetic to those around me, that’s what I mean when I talk about loving myself… Not being a narcissist that only cares about themself.
That isn’t the kind of goal to which I was referring. And being “true to oneself” can mean several things (depending on who is saying it). Don’t deceive yourself, but then again, don’t make yourself your highest goal either.
But if that is what you have been convinced to do…
As long as you do not mean with reference to everything. Life IS change you know.
I don’t personally think that that spells out selfish ~~ it might be part of a particularly right way in which to love one’s self ~~unless another is thoughtlessly and callously harmed as a result of it. Sometimes selfish gains can backfire and the consequences are also harmful to ourselves.
Your true nature being…?
I’m not so sure that I agree with you there. It seems to be a "dog-eat-dog world often to me. … though we can say that particular individuals have evolved that way.
As for the first part, I completely understand that experience.
…and insofar as those who feel they don’t NEED it nor WANT it? Like your old girlfriend?
I understand this. Writing gives us clarity. Sharing stories helps us to realize that we are not alone, not the only ones who have had our personal experiences and they muddled through and transcended, or plowed through, however you wish to think of it. Good luck with your book.
Just remember with a little MORE money you can reach MORE people. Don’t sell yourself short.
I’m a firm believer, or at least i try to be lol, of seeing as many different perspective as possible.
You left out “emotional” growth, which is important.
I have found that the above is true. We only "know’ or “intuit” based on who we are in the moment, how we flow.
We’re a stubborn bunch. No one liked to have their “apple cart” so to speak, overturned. We’re sometimes uncomfortable with new information or we don’t like what we ‘see’ of ourselves.
…and yet I recall in one of your posts to someone you mentioning that when your book was written you would send her a copy.
You might simply let her know that you wrote it and ask if she might want to read it. What’s the worse which can happen if she says "No, don’t bother?
No, we’re not all malleable. Why, because we don’t realize that we can be. But isn’t it interesting and fun the work which we have to do on ourselves, the great explorations and discoveries about ourselves? We’re all works in progress ~~ mini universes.
I don’t know if I agree with that. Maybe we’re meant to miss “something”. It makes us strive more. Maybe I’m wrong.
I also don’t think that as human beings we’re “supposed lol to be” completely happy and content. For the same above reason.
Why do you prefer at these times to be alone?
I agree more or less with the second part. At the same time, some of us rather enjoy our aloneness and our own presence more than being with many others.
As for the first question, how about a harmony of both?
Yes, we’re like the icebergs. More, much more, is hidden “beneath”. We need to dive down and explore ourselves. It is ourselves who are the final frontier or again, like mini universes which need to be explored, peered into with the telescopic lenses of our intellects and emotions - along with great honesty and courage to confront ourselves, to know ourselves.
Sometimes we can become aware of things through reflection but you know this.
I think that we can, in a sense, look on our actions and words as accidents because we were not at the time paying close attention. This is why accidents occur. We leap before we look, we don’t question things before we move. We need to try to “make sense” of our actions, to go back in time to our origins, our roots, to find many answers. This is also what you’re doing I think.
I can’t recall his exact words, but Rumi said something to the effect of learning to live with our questions, our unanswered question. And at some moment, we will come to know the truth of them. This, I know, is a very difficult thing to do but I intuit that there is great wisdom in that. I don’t mean not wanting to have answers but there are some which we can’t know the answers to NOW.
Is it possible we kind of slide into these answers as a result of eventually learning more about ourselves and just relaxing with the questions. I think more comes to us in moments of relaxation than in moments of “holding on” and trying to squeeze out answers. After all, our psyches are not lemons, are they?
Are you sure that on some unconscious level, you did not say something to her which might make her believe you might want to hurt her? I’m not saying it’s true but think about it. We can all do things like that to manipulate and to get our own way.
True about the puppy. All situations are different. We live in the moment.
And yes, our so-called guilty consciences sometimes make us see something which isn’t there.
I think that the phrase “being true to myself” is a lot like the phrase loving myself. Would you agree with me if I say that acting on that - being true to myself - can cause unnecessary pain to others?
A guy might think that 'being true to himself" means beating his wife and kids because they don’t conform to what he thinks they “should” based on who he thinks and feels he is.
A rapist might be true to himself because he feels he has a right to rape based on his lust for power for feelings of insecurity.
I know Shakespeare wrote those words (I think) but do we ever stop to really consider the consequences to that "belief"system?
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
There is such beautiful wisdom in that …for me. Profound.
I really don’t think that we have much choice in the matter since the more we fight and struggle over certain issues, the more that Gordian Knot tightens around us.
That’s not to say that we can’t take a step back observe certain things for a little while, then release, relax, let go.
Then in some distant day…voila…an epiphany, a realization unfolds.
I’ll get back to you in a couple days on all of this… that’s a lot of effort to reply and I’m trying to focus on something else currently. I’m trying to process a bunch of things and while a distraction might be nice, I have to deal with my sister trying to manipulate me into not writing my story, because she hasn’t dealt with her own demons.
warlock, if you associate self-love with narcissism, ll you will get (or seek) is co-dependency.
The love of Self also implies a motion of self-forgiveness and objective Self Image . Most people in a romantic relationship do not achieve Self-Love but rather seek a confirmation of their own subjective reality. Love requires emotional self-sufficiency first. All the greatest spiritualists agree on that.
Humanitarian aid is a failure because of this. The judeo-chritian ethics, altruism, is not entirely correct.
If you don’t have a higher concern/priority outside of your self, you will have nothing left to do but focus on the possibilities and suspicions that you are not quite secure enough - just look at Secular USA.
“Most” are merely seeking to BE loved for the very reason stated above. They begin in a state of self concern and insecurity (aka “born in sin”) and until they devote to something more than themselves, that state only gets worse.
I don’t see life as change. It might have that capability, but realization of such isn’t a forgone conclusion. Then again, it depends on what context we’re discussing change in… literally or figuratively.
I do not view the world in terms of right and wrong or good and evil any longer. We all have preferences, some are widely shared (due to conditioning/acculturation/indoctrination) and others are not. I do not see a universal morality police enforcing these concepts, therefore, these concepts aren’t universal to me.
My true nature is that of the natural order. As a species, we have specific traits that are in our genetics. Things like curiosity, openness, honesty, empathy, compassion, etc… it’s only after we’ve been conditioned, acculturated and indoctrinated that we become different. We’re trained like domesticated animals, from the day we’re born. Some of this training is positive, but much of it goes counter to our instincts and this disconnection damages us as individuals. We are influenced, manipulated and controlled by these things; unable to be who we actually are. We develop coping mechanisms to deal with our damage, but we rarely ever let go or heal said damage. We become so invested in our perspective that we’re damn near incapable of seeing and/or admitting these concepts. Doing so would mean that our entire existence up until that point was a lie.
It’s observable through Scientific method. The reality that we currently inhibit is a “dog-eat-dog” setting, there’s a lot of competition out there, which results from how we’re conditioned. Many people want more than they require, because that’s what they’re trained to want. We’re obviously not robots, so we justify these views or we simply deny counter views, anything to keep our perspectives intact.
I’m not forcing my help on her. I came to the conclusion that it’s not my place. Additionally, I feel that protecting her in my writings also isn’t my place. We must accept responsibility for our actions. The trauma already exists in her, she will just have to finally face the consequences of it. I’ll be right next to her in dealing with the consequences of my actions. I plan to be intellectually honest and as objective as possible in my writing… no matter how painful, shameful, embarrassing, hurtful, etc… I have nothing to hide and I care more about how I judge myself than how others judge me.
My stance has changed, as new information has been contemplated. I won’t be contacting her ever again, in any manner. Ultimately, I realized that I never liked her as a person. This is why I “pushed” her, I wanted to see her become a “better” person. I was madly “in-love” with the concept of loving and being loved… things that I lacked from my childhood. She is not someone that I would like spending time with, because our ethos’s are basically opposite. That said, I love her, as I love everyone… I genuinely care about the well-being of others and for most of my life, I did this at the expense of caring for my own well-being… not any more though, I must love myself equally.
We are all capable of being shaped, realizing our capabilities or not, doesn’t change our ability to do so. In-fact, I would even go as far as stating that we’ve all already been shaped (by conditioning, acculturation and indoctrination) and our exploration of self is merely just us trying to find our way back to our natural state.
Philosophical differences here. Being fulfilled (i.e. content), doesn’t mean that you lose motivation, it actually gives you more motivation. You feel like you have purpose and everything makes sense with purpose, you feel a passion for what you do. I felt this way in the Army, at least until the girlfriend thing reared it’s ugly head and my emotional state went to hell.
I prefer to be alone when I want to contemplate stuff. I prefer company when I want to share ideas, thoughts and concepts.
We’ll have to agree to disagree on this one. There are no accidents, only failures to be aware of whats going on around us. When you’re oblivious to your surroundings, you’ll probably inflict damage to those around you… whether we’re speaking about physically, emotionally or intellectually. We may not intend to do this, for a variety of reasonable and logical factors, but it doesn’t change the fact that we are responsible. I was always aware of my surroundings, unfortunately I was heavily damaged, so I didn’t always make the optimal choices. I knew when I was being hurtful, vindictive, mean, uncaring, etc… all my baggage just prevented me from following my conscience.
I definitely said some threatening things when we broke up, never physical threats though. For example, I told her that I would start a foundation for mistreated people and hire people to protest her… stupid shit like that, said during the irrational rage manifesting from my fight response kicking in. This was also 9 years ago and I never did anything to her in that span (let alone even contacted her in anyway). If I had wanted to hurt her, it would have happened a long time ago. I have very dangerous capabilities, due to my training and life experiences. I was an Infantryman, I played college football, was an amateur mixed martial artist, have 20 years of martial arts training and grew up gang-affiliated in Los Angeles… I’m easily capable of harming a female programmer/WoW player if that was my desire.
You could say that, but you don’t even need the “being true to myself”, just say belief. We all have beliefs, some positive, some negative. Some beliefs cause the murder of millions and some help millions… yet still, some have both positive and negative results. We ultimately do what makes the most sense to our perspective. I’m trying to return to the person I was before all the conditioning, acculturation, indoctrination, etc… changed me into something I wasn’t. I know this because there has always been a conflict in me, my conscience vs my conditioning. I was simply too afraid of the consequences of following my conscience, a coward who wanted to fit in more than be honest and open with himself and others. To illustrate, I was on a heavily delayed plane about 6 months ago. Some people had like 15 minutes to catch a connecting flight across the airport or be stuck there for a day. So when people were getting off the plane, this guy started to push this person in front of him… I was nearby by and I’m a very large and imposing presence, so a couple of people looked to me for help. I wanted to intervene, but I was too scared to act. I didn’t want to have to go through all the possible consequences of butting in, especially in an airport. My conditioning got the better of my conscience yet again and I was too much of a bitch to be true to myself.
You might ~ or might not ~~ take the time to read this in whatever spare time you have. It may be helpful.
It’s difficult for us to “deal” with something if we don’t know how to go about it.
It’s kind of like taking a journey. If we don’t know our way and/or keep getting lost, what do we do? We ask for directions or get a map.
If something doesn’t work, try a different strategy.
I myself have found that in "trying to ‘deal’ with something all we do in the long run is wind up in a black hole.
Literally. You, as a living organism, have been changing from the moment you were conceived.
You’ve been changing as you’ve been growing in different ways - intellectually, emotionally/spiritually, physically. You may flow and ebb in ways but you are still changing.
What about history, what about human evolution.?What about the cycles of nature, et cetera?
How can you not see Life and/or your life as change. Are you nothing but stagnant waters?
But you do see some actions as more right and some as more wrong, don’t you?
True, there are a lot of gray areas sometimes but we do have to live by some kind of a personal code, don’t you think?
Personal preferences? But we’re not speaking of art or music or fashion here. We’re speaking of human action and consequences.
Speaking for myself, I wouldn’t think of it as so much of a lie. It’s what we were able to see at the time, considering what we had to work with. As we begin to see things, we begin to change our patterns, our way of thinking and our behavior. I’m not saying that we go easy on ourselves but we do have to, in a sense, knowing that we are not the same person that we were before but we’re still CHANGING and moving forward. We might even have to forgive ourselves in a sense for our very slow movement ~~ after all, we are a process.
I wouldn’t say that we “rarely ever let go or heal said damage”. I don’t know what it is within us that causes some of us to change easier and care to heal ourselves and others not to. But it’s there and perhaps it’s also having a mentor, having someone in your life, come into your life, as I have at times, to show me a part of myself which I didn’t know existed, which I denied, because we just cannot see what others see in us. I think that healing can only begin when we are affirmed, accepted and shown who we are.
Well,I was only giving one side to it. There is another side where there are good people, great people, who do strive to make a better world, who do care about other human beings, awesome creatures and the environment, et cetera.
It is times like this that I am happy to be a human being.
Are we “trained” to want more? More like a lack of training, of discipline, of seeing/awareness.
We’re afraid we’re not going to get what we think we deserve,what we think we have coming to us.
We can also blame the parents for not teaching a sense of values, of what IS valuable and what is not, along with the media who teach us that we MUST have this and that in order to survive and be happy.
No, it isn’t so much that it is your place but can you do it in a way which causes less trauma than more trauma? Yes, we must accept responsibility for our actions. Is there a way in which you can do this without revealing who she is - who they are?
Sometimes it’s a good thing to think ahead to what some of the consequences might be. We have to be like really good chess players. After all, this book of yours is going to be about helping others who may have shared your experiences - rather than about outing certain people, revealing them.
Never say never. lol We’re like yo-yos at times. We have to be aware of this. Emotions sometimes gets in the way of good sense and consciousness.
This seems to be the case with many people. The attachment, the “in-love” is there but the true liking often is not.
This is also something we do… rather than doing the work on ourselves which needs to be done.
Many of us are guilty of that. Mis-direction.
That’s more a natural hunger from childhood when we didn’t have the right loving kind of caretakers.
I’m not sure it could be any other way – up until a certain point when we begin to realize the reality of it all.
For example?
What to you is our natural state?
I think that I can agree with this. Having a purpose does add to our optimal living and happiness.
Why do you think you felt this way in the Army? What was it about the Army? since not everyone feels that way.
What about when it comes to just "BEING’ in the moment? without thought? Can you enjoy simple stillness, no movement, just being?
Well, we will disagree on this. I see the above as being an accident for the very reasons you mention.
Consider just how accidents occur? The only reason they appear to be pre-determined or meant to happen is because WE OURSELVES CAUSE THEM and refuse to “see” this as I said for your reasons above.
Sometimes it isn’t such a good thing to think of ourselves or others as being damaged. Better to focus on the positive side and good qualities of a person. If you’re mentoring someone, calling them damaged will make them feel damaged instead of making them feel that they can be stronger, more whole.
There was a time when I felt the same way about myself but it did nothing for my self-esteem and the right kind of self love. We victimize ourselves when we think of ourselves in terms of being damaged or give others permission to make us see ourselves in that way.
We aren’t things. We aren’t tables and chairs or things that can be damaged. That’s just the way I look at it.
It’s a good thing to be aware of just what we are capable of.
But could you harm a gristly bear?
I’m still not so sure you can return to that person. Wasn’t that the person who brought you on the journey into the C/A/I, etc?
Which might have just made matters far worse.
Maybe it wasn’t so much fear but who knows. What’s the saying ~~ discretion is the better part of valor.
See, right hear you say it - “be true to myself”. If you had “joined” in the so-called battle, there might have been consequences and repercussions.
So, being “true to one’s self” is not necessarily the practical way to be…at least not in this case it might not have been.
I think that “consciousness” “awareness” needs to be a part of "conscience.
“Bitch” - care to elaborate on that?!
Take all the time you need to respond to this - when we give space, we get space.
I learn as I write.
One can find change in anything. It all depends on what way you perceive it… physical state, time, location, etc…
That said, in the context of intellect, it can very well cease growing. No different than when a muscle plateaus or atrophies, without challenge the intellect will not grow and could very easily degenerate from misuse and/or lack of use.
I struggle to find intellectual challenge, my intelligence potential is fairly uncommon and due to reality being the way it is, those who seek intellectual growth are a rarity to begin with… further limiting the potential pool.
No, I do not view some things as more right or more wrong. I have preferences, things that I would prefer to happen or not happen. For instance, I would prefer someone not steal if it affects me in some way, but I do not demonize or condemn someone for stealing. Theft isn’t black and white, some people do it for selfish reasons, others do it out of desperation. Theft doesn’t make someone an evil person, just as not stealing doesn’t make someone a good person.
My personal code is to be true to my nature. Sometimes conflicts arise, at which point I refer to my preferences to tip the scale one way or the other. For instance, my nature is to be open, honest, curious, empathetic and compassionate (among other things). Thus my desire to be open and honest is in conflict with my desire to be empathetic and compassionate, regarding telling my story. My preference is to protect myself (i.e. by not suppressing these things and being untrue to who I am), as opposed to protecting someone else (i.e. attempting to prevent pain by hiding them from the responsibility of their actions).
You are not like the vast majority, you see things neutrally. You do not take a hard stance on anything, because you understand that we do not know as much as we think we know. Most people form a belief and that’s that, you cannot change their mind, because they’re not open to change. These people would see their lives as a lie, because everything they ever knew or did was based on a fallacy.
You’re applying your perspective to most of what I’m saying, which is fine, but my statements aren’t directed at the type of person you are… which is why it doesn’t make sense to you. Try placing yourself into another perspective, empty yourself from all your notions and views, imagine what it would be like to see the world differently. Look at how people are and attempt to reverse engineer the why, through logic and reason alone (disassociate the emotions and biases). Find the various possibilities behind what could lead to the result and explore each to understand all possible paths. Ultimately, you can narrow things down to a couple of core emotions… you may not know the exact cause of an issue, but you at least now understand the underlying emotion behind it.
This is what I do all day, every day. It’s why I excel at working with emotionally and behaviorally disabled high school students. I have no degrees and no formal education in Psychology, but I’ve been doing this since my earliest memories. Studying others to try to make sense of the world around me… I was too disconnected from my emotions until recently though, I had suppressed them for so long that I had no passion for anything. I was simply going through the motions of existing and not living life. I went on a bit of a roller-coaster ride when I delved into my past, a lot of emotions that I hadn’t felt in a long time overwhelmed me somewhat (hence this thread), as I was trying to process it all.
Again, I’m speaking in generalities. I’m not saying that my views applies to all, equally. Overall though, it is what I perceive from the masses as a whole.
Not if I want to be open and honest, no. I’m not going to slander/libel her, I’m going to tell things from my perspective… my intention isn’t to hurt her, it’s to tell my story, as openly and honestly as I can… to be true the person I see myself as. Ghost-writing or changing people to spare them from themselves, makes it a tale, not an autobiography. I plan to put my stamp on this work, take responsibility for all of my own questionable actions as well… by being deceptive, regardless of the reason, takes away from the authenticity and my connection to it.
I concur.
Actually, I completely disarmed her when we met. I saw her completely vulnerable and that was who I fell in love with initially. About a week into our romance is when she changed to a completely different person. We were in line for a ride at Six Flags, we were gazing into each others eyes and I was gently stroking her face. A pair of women next to us commented “awww… you guys are in love”… immediately, at hearing this, she tensed up and became someone else. I didn’t see that entity ever again, by the time I was able to see her again, she had already cheated on me three times while I was deployed to Bosnia for 8 months.
This had a devasting affect on me, but I had a lot of conviction in my ideals at the time, I believed that she could become that person I first met again and I was willing to sacrifice my own emotional well-being to help her become a better person… reflecting back now, I see the error of having ideologies that are disconnected from reality. Those expectations only hurt me in the long run, it was only when I accepted reality (as it currently exists rather than how I want it to be), that I was able to let go of all the negative shit eating away at me. I’ve come to realize that people are who they currently are and I need to accept this as truth… can people change, sure why not, but placing expectations on them only leads to negativity in myself.
To me, the concept of love, is unconditional. So if you love someone, you do not place conditions on your feelings. You can love someone and not agree with their actions… I care about and respect people, regardless of what they do. For example, if my brother murdered someone, I would still love him. I wouldn’t agree with his actions, but it wouldn’t change the fact that I care for and respect him as a person. People are more than just a single action, his murder of another wouldn’t change his impact on my life (both positive and negative things). I understand that people are damaged and that damage manifests in sometimes horrific ways, it doesn’t make them any less of a human-being, who is worthy of love.
The way we were born, before the cause and effect of nurture shaped us to be who we currently are.
I felt that way in the Army, because I was balanced. Physically, emotionally, socially and intellectually challenged. My ideology was in alignment with reality, because my reality was influenced to be in alignment with my ideology. The reason for this was because of my previous experiences in life were at odds with my ideology. I had a strong moral compass and admired certain characteristics, these things that the Military is founded on. Eventually, the double standards and mere lip-service to these ideals started to manifest and it disenfranchised me, but for a year or two I was very content (for the first time in my life).
Not really, no. The closest I come to this is when I hyper-focus on a single task, which I do a fair amount of the time. At these times, nothing exists except the task, I become one with it. This is why I enjoy art, it’s zen-like for me… nothing exists except for the art.
I was nurtured into the person I am, I was trained to be this way. I can retrain myself to be different, the first step of the process is to realize that you’ve been trained. Can a domesticated dog survive in the wild? Some can and some do. If an animal can retrain itself without possessing consciousness, I like my odds.
This is merely our conditioning speaking. The way we’ve been trained, via reward and punishment. Practicality is how we rationalize and justify it. In this case, my fear of punishment and my practicality prevented me from acting in accordance with my nature… I rationalized and justified away my empathy and compassion for another human-being. This type of mentality is why our Society is getting more and more negative towards one another. We rationalize and justify away our empathy and compassion, when it’s not in our self-interest.
