#stillalive
So… some of the games I’m playing on a PSP Emulator I downloaded from the google playstore on the tablet I found on the side of the road:
God of War - The Ghost of Sparta
Final Fantasy IV Complete Collection
Breath of Fire III
Kingdom Hearts
Worms 2
Tales of the World
Persona 3 Portable
Riviera
Final Fantasy VII Crisis Core
Also Playing Final Fantasy Tactics - War of Lions, but have to restart due to hitting a point in the game I was unprepared for and can’t go resupply from or travel to other areas to level. Kind of sucks, but is what it is.
I also downloaded a fun little app for my tablet called Final Fantasy Record Keeper, which is pretty addictive.
I also found a meth pipe on the side of the road, which has become mine. Even had some left over in it, which helped my travel a bit. Caused me to lose a little travelers bible and my bag of tobacco where I sat down to smoke it at, but I had another travelers bible to begin using and tobacco is easy to come by. Have to be more careful not to leave stuff behind, lol. I do it even while not high. Accidentally left my tobacco pipe somewhere in California, my birth certificate somewhere in Oregon. Stupid shit like that.
Been reading a book slowly called The Crippled God, which has been pretty interesting so far. Slow to get going, kind of dry and jumping around so I’m taking it slow to make sure I understand what’s going on before the action picks up. That, and my new tablet allows me more hours of video game time, and when I Have a clear wifi signal, easy access to the internet without being at a public library, which I like because certain libraries won’t even let me use their wifi or have a guest pass for their comps without proof of residency in their county or having to pay a dollar. Like the one in Macon, Georgia (they misspelled ‘Bacon’). Seems like the more money a library has put into it, the less it wants people with backpacks that look like they’re homeless having free access to information and knowledge and education. Oh well.
Which means that, yes, I’ve had access to the internet and this website and have been choosing not to participate. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why.
So, are you drifting around then in the southern states? Hitch hiking?
hitch-hiking aggravates me. I just expect to walk to wherever I’m going and if someone picks me up, they pick me up. Some times I walk for days to weeks, other times I get 2-4 rides in one day. Drifting sounds about right. Obviously Florida didn’t work out. Bitch called me a stalker after letting me walk all the way there for her. I gave her multiple chances on Facebook while traveling to deter me, and she claimed to have told me to stop talking to her before, but that’s the kind of thing that sticks out for me, since I don’t want to be construed as a creeper. I cussed her out a bit for wasting my time and for being a cunt, and then blocked her for calling me a stalker. Was kind of unnecessary. There’s a very fine line in life between romance and creep-factor, hinged on the dynamic between pessimism and optimism. Oh well. I’m in North Carolina at the moment. Nice enough. Not too muggy, a little bit hot during the day, but cool enough at night and not as many mosquitoes, though the ants are beginning to get to me a little. No biggie.
Hopefully you have a durable pair of boots. Chasing love or lust? Anywhere near Wilmington, NC?
Yeah, camping outside without a tent or tarp can be extremely difficult and aggravating exposed to the elements. With insects especially. If you’re near an area with a lot of dragon flies that’s always nice as they eat mosquitoes.
I don’t chase. I walk calmly and leisurely. Also, neither love nor last are at the top of my list of priorities. Naw, in Gastonia, near Charlotte, nowhere near Wilmington.
Lust*, not ‘last’.
Back in Redding, CA. Caught a ride from tennessee to arizona, had sex with a man for the first time, stilol prefer women. Got a ticket in Arizona for walking along the interstate, ripped it up. Survived skid row in downtown LA again, found a roll of bills on the side of the road totaling 60 dollars which paid for new socks and shoes. Going to head back to WA soon, preferably in the spring, but realistically whenever I feel like it. Going to get some new clothes from the shelter I’m staying at and see what they can do to help me with an ID, try to get on foodstamps and then they also have a homeward bound program where they get you a reduced price on a bus ticket home if you have someone who can provide an address. I’ve walked a lot in the past year. Funny thing, ironic, I had a gun pulled on me in la and it wasn’t by a gangster, thug or drug dealer, but by anow upper middle class. I got dropped off outside of LA and had no choice but to walk through a community that I guess just had a string of bad luck, break ins, etc. And hey were a bit high strung. So, here I was with my army duffel bag on my back, just got done telling them my situation because they were on top of me walking through their neighborhood, and dude pulls a gun out like he’d seen too many movies.
If you’re so paranoid that you cut tell the difference between a criminal and a well-meaning and intentioned traveler, you’ve got worse problems than break ins.
It’s like the cop who gave me a ticket, did it just to be a dick. He knew I couldn’t pay it, I had told him I was homeless, he could have been kind and given me a ride or just told me to get off the interstate, but didn’t give a shit. Supposed to go to court in Arizona next month, but I’m going to make it hard on the greedy bastards. All it is is revenue generating shit for them that the taxpayers have to pay that then males them biased against the criminals and others in society, furthering what’s wrong in the world and I really don’t care to bow and scrape to that corrupt of a system.
I have a question Fred. If you encountered a meeting, and at the meeting were some of the people who were directly responsible for the world being the shit it is, for example, a Rockefeller or something, what would you do?
Depends. It’s hard for me to tell you what I would do in a hypothetical situation like that when I don’t know the sum of their life’s work and all I have to go off of is the information that’s been fed to me with no certainty of truth offered either from that or any questions I would ask. It would also depend on setting. Are we drinking and hanging out? Might not be a time to discuss business, though I might poke to see what they know of the universe, what thoughts theyvery entertained, who they are. I wouldn’t kill them or even fight them. They’re rich, I’m not, but if you expect me to blame them for what they had little control over, for things out of their hands, you’re wrong. I would treat them as people, stripped of titles and money and see them for that and if they didn’t do the same for me, treat me as they would anyone of merit, then what could I do other than walk away? I’m only violent and mean when under pressure, duress and having my buttons pressed, so anything I would do or say would be fully based on the situation as it unfolded.
How can you say they had little control over what they were doing?
Why do you always ask the wrong questions? Do you think they could have been anything else? Would our reality still have been the same? Our reality is, therefore they are, therefore they were before they were and are before they became. What amount of control do you attribute to them being born in the conditions that gave rise to their ambitions, the shedding of their inhibitions and the shredding of all opposition for them to be the parts in the whole that they Became? What do you think would have become of them in a world where they remained outside the cognitive Cycles? I.e. if they hadn’t become what they became. They would have lived different lives in a different reality. They lived their lives in this reality, however and so became what they did and therefore by process of elimination, through recognition that it is this reality we inhabit, they didn’t have much of a choice but to become and help shape this reality that begged their participation. What control do you have? If you’re caught in the current of a running river, what control do you have? Not complete, only if you conform somewhat to the river channel do you have some slight control to maybe break free of the current, to maybe get back on dry land, but while in that current and in that channel, you are more likely to follow the rivers path for a bit, no control. It’s really not a hard concept to wrap your head around, so I don’t know why you’re pretending like you don’t understand.
I thought you believed in free-will.
I don’t, but even a robot has accountability in it’s actions, it makes choices based on it’s algorithms. Simply some have flawed algorithms, and those with flawed algorithms are taken apart and rebuilt into better things.
Well, may I ask about the dude thing. What did you dislike about it, and what did you like about it?
I do believe in free will. I’m just highly realistic in my belief of it. I believe it to be entirely situational, conditional and that some times we just don’t have much of it. In a world where possession of the body by spirits does exist, where manipulation is ripe and widespread, wouldn’t our own free will at some point have to be controlled and manipulated for us by others? Taking on faith that they’re able to know what we would freely choose if we could freely choose it.
And naw, I don’t want to talk about the sex. It would be cliche, ‘it wasn’t how I imagined it would be, hurt a bit more than expected.’ I’d already made my choice to be straight and regardless of what other entities push buttons in my mind to make me get off, I’ve been reinforcing my choices when I’m able and see even the pleasure I feel of anal stimulation as rape. In the moment I like it, it’s pleasurable and whatever is causing it knows what buttons to press to make it seem as though it’s me, but it’s not. I’m not repressing my sexuality, that would be trite and retarded. I didn’t really want to have sex with dude, but I had wanted to at least experience it. In the moment, something else wanted me to and dude brought it up and I consented.
I know the difference between what I know this is and sexual repression. A lot of the time, I’m lead to think of Dicks to get off. This has been proven on occasion to be something beyond me, spirit, entity, perhaps my own body at war and divided along the lines of what the individual parts want of the whole, I don’t know for sure. What I do know is that it doesn’t matter what’s doing it, it’s being done. Without it, I get off on pussy just as much as any guy.
I think it’s me. I’ve just always been a bully magnet, getting teased and fucked with and I get it far worse than many others. It’s tough sharing a body with things that don’t agree with your choices. This ties into the free will thing.
Some times I stop for a bit to look at the irony of life and laugh a bit. I’m bred for war, but want peace, am the perfect mental and spiritual combatant and never wanted to be. Wanted a job, a wife and kids and have none of that whi,e others, so many, who didn’t want those things and can’t appreciate them and ruin them for everyone else, destroy society bit by bit in so many ways all the while I remain locked out and watching everything I love destroyed. I had to become homeless to get anywhere in life, traveled 3000 miles for romance to be called a stalker, found myself before ever going on the journey of my life while others have to do it the other way around, ass-backwards. I’ve had more money go through my wallet and hands being homeless than having a home and feel more free stuck at the bottom of society than I expected error did when I had a place in it. In an insane world, sanity is labeled as insanity, reason eschewed and pushed away as so many claim not to care and make their homes in pain and agony and despair all because they want someone else to fix and solve their problems, but when someone tries, they respond with hate to which others back down from and they then wonder why no one sticks around. Hate life when it’s fucked up but love fucking it up for others and when it’s going fine, are either bored or waiting in fear or anxiety for the inevitable bad thing to happen instead of enjoying it for what it is while it lasts. I find do it most ironic that most people give me advice that they think I need to hear that would be better suited for their own eyes and ears than mine while they remain oblivious to it. Irony stacked high as we eat it like shit for breakfast lunch and dinner.
lotta good material in the ‘fuck you’ section of google image search, in case you were wondering.
And most of you are my yesterdays, in battles already won and lost.
Still, I wonder where my want to discuss philosophy went, where my want to know other people went. I used to want to be around others, to converse and talk and enjoy life and now… I’m not dead, yet, but you’ve all ruined it for me, ruined it for everyone. How you killed every bit of fun anybody could ever have on the internet, except your fun. Hunting and raping and just not caring. Savagely beating with words the life out of so many others. And, what’s about as bad as the trolls are those who sat there and just looked a different way and let them do what they’ve done, further faulted anyone who stood up to them. As long as their attention wasn’t on you and they just let you be.
I find it funny what society has learned to condone and allow happen, to turn a blind eye to while they avidly avow to be against such things.
how many are on your hands?
how much blood?
how many deaths have you caused with your actions and their butterfly and ripple effects throughout society?
Throughout time and space, no less.
This is your life catching up with you, reality staring you down, life looking you in the eyes.
The lack of fun in your life is purely the fault of women. You know it, I know it, we both know it.
I was bullied my whole life, sometimes bullies would be my only friend. I liked talking philosophy with my cousin, who was a bully towards his brother. But responsible for mind-loss is no troll, I have faced trolls, I have faced mods worse than trolls, responsible for mind-loss is the Woman, the most sadistic entity of all.
It’s not lack of fun I lamentioned the most. I’m rather easily amused when it comes down to it and I like to think I’m making progress with my impossible projects in the mind. I’ve got a pretty decent grasp on a lot of conceptualization and different perspectives and perceptions as well as they convoluted nature that life some times has.
I think if I were to allow myself regrets about things that have happened in my life that can’t unhappiness, I’d start with my missed childhood. From there, I’d regret that so many people, including my step dad and cousin knocked me down lower than low, so it wasn’t just bullies. I’ve gone through life being told in one breath how much potential I have and in the next what a piece of shit I am. The friends I had, I kind of just hung around until they accepted me, had them ditch me a lot, beat me up for no reason, etc. I became cooler over time, but it took effort.
From there, I’d regret easily responding to teasing and taunting. I can take a joke between friends pretty easily when it’s lighthearted banter, but even as a kid I’d respond. I’d regret going through trauma and thinking myself a fuck up for so long until I finally got to where I could see myself as more than that, only to have my life unravel on me and winding up homeless.
I’d regret a bit the friends lost, e communities I’ve seen destroyed as much by me being lost to negativity and depression, insecurity etc. as anything that the trolls did. I’d regret that it took me so long to make the necessary breakthroughs to do anything worthwhile in life, for how stubbornly I persisted in having my arguments be the argument enders while I was possibly only partially correct. I’d regret taking on what I’ve take on for the days when so many fucked up things swarm my mind and try to destroy me or just fuck with me.
But, fuck regrets. I’d regret how closed I’ve become, not because I’m a social hermit, but because Ive changed so much while others remain the same and I see their schemes and their drama and just don’t want any part of it. I know what it winds up being every time.
I’m still as open as I used to be, I’m just more silent. I see more clearly. I’ve worked my ass off to see the good in life. It hasn’t been easy.
I’ve been selfish. I’ve held a lot of pain back, pulled my punches. I keep forgetting that sharing is caring.
See if you can spot the part about dasein in this. And, no, not just for Kids. 