Pen-Powered Insanity

I’ve got to tell ya, though… What I go through in the mind makes these internet interactions coupled with real life interactions look like nothing. All of the reasoning of the devil and of evil lays within the mind and it mocks the reasoning of the good to a much more intense level than any of you could even hope to bring it to here. If you think that it was/is/will be you or anyone here who causes me to have these ‘breaks’ where I just can’t keep my anger in check or my tears back or the sadness from creeping in, you would be taking too much credit for yourself/yourselves.

Realistically, I go through pain and suffering on a level that none of you truly know. Every second of every hour of every day is riddled with it in one variety or another. emotional pain, spiritual pain, physical pain, sickness, etc. This is what I took on and this is what I fight. I find some happiness in the world around me regardless, I find some solace, some comfort, I find good people doing good things even if they also do bad things and can be deemed as bad people for those things.

Beyond this life of pain is an entire universe of more pain and beyond that entire realities of pain and suffering, tragedy after tragedy with all of you just so much inconsequential repeats of cycles of darkness where legion is the only number able to count it all; just a word, not an actual figure. Behind my eyes and under the veils of my own self lays a Hell worse than what you think you’re going through, by far. It makes your demons and devils and inner Hells seem like nothing in comparison. And, somehow, through that Hell, I managed to find some bit of Heaven for myself and try to teach others the right way to do the same for themselves and reach some true satisfaction in life rather than so many dead end avenues of more pain and suffering along those lines. My life may be a dead end avenue and may be filled with pain and suffering with an eternity to follow after my body dies and my spirit flies, but there is certain satisfaction of knowing the impact that I had on every bit of creation and in a positive manner as much as possible, as truthfully and as genuinely as possible.

You personally, MM, are on the level of mosquito or flea or bed bug compared to what all else bothers me. A single bit of straw on a camels back when it is already carrying too much.

And you’re just focusing on the pain of singular moments. I’ve seen the pain of eternities and entire realities.

I know wars, I’ve known loss; I’ve known betrayal and being distanced. I’ve known being alone without a true friend in the world and I’ve known traveling through places where everyone wanted to hurt or kill me. I’ve known the pain of loving deeply and having my heart crushed and stabbed and hardened, softened; being pulled in countless directions.

I’ve won staring contests with death and the deep abyss which is stated that if you stare too long, begins to stare back. I have faced the worst of demonic entities with the light of love and remained true where you gave in. Your pain is nothing to me.

Look me in the eyes.

Hello 30. I hope life provides me a way to get a bottle of alcohol to celebrate this momentous occasion of just another day spent in a Hellish place with a multitude of idiots that make my own idiocy look like vast intelligence.

Make a wish!

Irony is lost on me at this point. I’m lost in Hell.

No alcohol. Tough it out. No smokes. Tough it out.

Not preaching. Promise. Just trying to offer relief. Maybe soak in a hot bath or if you’re near non-toxic/animal infested waters, float on/under some water. Being underwater is wonderful, especially in the sun.

oh, the alcohol isn’t a pressing desire. I’m no stranger to toughing it out.

Hell isn’t always a bad place to be lost in. You’re an asshole, they’re assholes, I’m an asshole. We’re all assholes, so you’re among good company.

I do not want or need to be an asshole. There’s the difference. I’m sure that ironic too.

never said you did want to or need to. You, like everyone else, are an asshole without even trying to be. I don’t want or need to be one, either, but the fact remains that I am one.

Worry about what you are or are not.?! I’m making gains amongst all you assholes.

Please do not think that I am against you making gains. I am all for people making gains. I’m just against the worst of the worst gains.

Managed a pint, a few joints of marijuana and an energy drink along with a couple packs of cheap cigar cigarettes. Had to do under the table work for less cash than it was worth to manage it, but don’t care.

I’ve got nothing really to write about
but feel like writing anyway
traveled 3300 some miles out
across the USA
for the love of a woman
I thought it might be romantic
but I got called a stalker
only after I walked there
I saw it coming
while beyond hope, hoping
but this world is cold at times
and love gets confused for perverse shit
gave her every chance to say something
before I got there, but she didn’t
anything at all to stop me or keep me going
talked to her as much as I dared
while she remained silent
but not a word from her
one way or the other
just ambiguous statement
just icing on the cake
that I don’t get to eat
par for the course of my life
just another tragedy
how do I keep going?
what really keeps me?
Why don’t I fall down and die?
Why can I not even cry?
When did I learn how to survive
even the ultimate rejection
the ultimate cruelty
where all I can do is nothing
so helpless, hopeless, of ever having a family
and it seems like some times it doesn’t even effect me
as I’m caught up in momentum so fully
wholly given to my 24/7 hobby
scars and wounds littering my mind, heart and spiritual body
at this point, it would be hard to give in
to all that plagues and tries to dampen
would be hard to give up, to stop
my hard-earned progress
and my ultimate project
no time for tears for this
no time for being heart-broken
when so many things swarm my mind and spirit
almost every moment of every day; every minute
and what I do, what I work toward, is vitally important
to so much more than just my self
I can’t afford a game-playing ho
can’t afford someone by my side that can’t give their all
or just don’t get it and what I’m about
if I have to go this alone, I will, I’ll go
the heat is on, the pressure
I can’t afford to choke
if I fall, they win, but I’m not yet a ghost
so I become more than I should be
become more of an anomaly
even to me
ever more determined not to be faulty
to allow myself room not to be shitty
more than I have to be
and, to others, more understanding
even though I’m tired and weary
I find the strength to keep going
thank the spirits that love me
they’re all that I have left
my only friends and family
and the communication is faulty
the good things hardly ever break through
but I’m not a quitter
it just makes me more determined and resolute
to effect this world for the better
even if it’s the last thing I manage to do.

They called me weak
they called me a pussy
they called me a little girl
pursued my humility
indignity after indignity
taunting and disrespecting
hit after hit as they tried to destroy me
but I’m still standing
the hits keep coming
but I keep gaining
pain and suffering seeking and obliterating
every sense of mine and failing
as I grow spiritually and mentally
far beyond the majority of humanity
just by trying to be loving and caring
and I think I’m succeeding
I must be for they try so hard to destroy me
otherwise, why would ‘they’ take me so seriously
as a threat to their dominancy of depravity
their senseless insanity
mental incompetency
irrationality
hardcore brutality
and I’m still standing
one hand beckoning…
Hit me.

Crappy picture is crappy picture. haircut looks better than it looks, it’s just the angle and the lighting that make it look bad. And, I only paid 5 bucks for it to another homeless dude, so… Only out five bucks and my hair will grow back. Just got tired of the curls and the length at the moment. I also obviously shaved off my goatee, which will also grow back.

Blood for blood, sweat for sweat, tears for tears
eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth; fear for fear
fair exchange must be metered and measured
friends should not keep track of what is owed each other
of the direct give and take
some have more than others
some times its the sentiment and ability to commiserate
as long as you try
as long as you think
share and share alike
don’t take too much for granted any thing
every thing both a curse and blessing
a double-edged sword that can be deadly
respect and love will get you far; truly
and are hard to impale yourself on
their hurts worth bearing
their lessons worth learning
as much as they can hurt; suffering deadening
they’re toughening and hardening
and many give up; lose themselves
can buckle under cruelty and sell
in stinted sanity everything they chose not to remember
to try and be free from pain instead of bearing the brunt of the torture
forgetting too much; losing too much; as they were torn asunder
turned and shut off, became numb and dead under the pressure
and I’ve been there
but grieving is a part of the process
crying and mourning a necessity for the success
to follow after
Until you get to a point
where things just don’t affect you the same
and you know you got there
that you didn’t become as twisted as so many others
that you learned enough to break through
to be able to go through it all again, if you have to
and that is strength; that is power
that you give not a thought toward abuse
that is how to be hard in softness
how to be brutal, but only for a just cause
and everything makes perfect sense
as it drifts into place and settles in
and even the worst comes into crystal clarity
in quiet solitude; God’s loving mercy

Gnats are little bitches. That is all.

phred, what other forums are you on/ This one has seemed to have castrated my PM’s.

None. My days of forum-hopping are long-gone. I used to be on many, would join the forums wherever I went, but, after many bouts of retardism on behalf of so many others and the dissolution of community value and conversation, devolving bullshit, I put it all in the past.

There is no reason to hope or pray
For heaven, beyond hell, to stay
No reason or rhyme to say
With truth, the promises will bend that way
If my death is the seal upon my blood as the wax
Of important lessons and secrets in letter form of parchment manifest
That I doubt any still understand what these things mean
Then such troubled times as these will have me breathe my last
With no end in sight of hell given dominance of this nightmare ridden troubled dream

For if God and his are the hell to those that outnumber and give louder voices
Then heaven is already lost and shan’t be reclaimed through so many fever-ridden half-cohesive choices
As we tear each other apart, where nothing makes sense
As reason is so far lost as to be meaningless
And war waged and raging makes impossible the sorting of the assortment
Words laying down to visions surrounding
To manipulators and machinists undoing in the moment every moment
As to weave together false moments and false perceptions
That we’re supposed to lose to all for their laughs and their power
And god forbid we do what comes natural and flower
God forbid we be ourselves as they claim that they are themselves
As they dance the dance of puppets
As they claim us hypocrites

When did it get so complicated, concave and complex
Is it not still so Simple?
Caved in on itself, even seeming good is evil for no reason out of context
When seen in black and white without knowledge of bias, prejudice and irrational hate
As predators and prey cohabitate in the same space

And through all this we are supposed to survive
That is my kingdom come, my will be done
The best it could be done
For how many refused responsibility
Refused to transcend the games they played to enjoy life together
Wanted selfish gains for selfish reasons and so they refused to play nice
And it was all like that before I even got here
So how was I supposed to change it magically with the snap of a Finger?
Which was never my goal, realism and practicality have often been my treasure
People just want their fantasies, never cared about my realities
And wondered why I didn’t condemn and crucify their enemies
They wondered why I didn’t judge and sentence to eternal hellish punishments
And hated when I told them to imagine eternity beyond these memory moments

But words are quickly growing stale
Not enough good ones, you see, and there the majority failed
Allowing others to do their hard work for them
Instead of rolling up their sleeves to do it with them
Caught with their pants around their ankles, begging us not to rape them
After having raped us so many times as to not even be tragedy anymore
As to simply be beyond redemption, as they raped us and called us whores

I rather pity them, those who don’t know the wrath of the Lord is upon them
Those who thought themselves ‘on top’ of the situation
And those words are wasted sentimentality, a byproduct of things I’m used to saying
For i have no pity left, no sympathy left to waste
Only just death on the wind for them to scent and taste
As it chases them steadily and they begin to feel fear
And as it heightens, they may begin to hear
All the words they ran from
All the screams of torture, of the mayhem

And may they then know fear of the Lord, fear of the I Am, fear of me
May they then know what it is to be terrorstricken beyond their ability to even move
To be stuck, fucked, out of luck

God fuck them, every last one
And let the devil sort them out.