There’s a million words inside of me
that I wish could be said
A thousand ways that I could act
that I wish would be accepted
Lies in the heart of me
Secrets on the door
never what I wanted to be
does that make me a whore?
Never free, never me
never the name people call me
never the face that they see
never the voice that they hear
it’s never been so clear
Mistakes made in life
Head held high through so much strife
and who I am is so much more
than what others give me credit for
but what they see is never me
what they hear is never clear
and what name they give
can never be the one that lives
face turning into so much empty space
up for rent; gone and spent
Who I was never meant to be who I will be
And where I’m going only testament
to the will of men to rise up and keep going
caught in an undertow of a rising tide
surfing the waves of the storms of life
never for my sake did I rise
never for my sake will I die
and tomorrow may see the sun denied
but I’ll learn to dance in the dark
and laugh in the face of fear
sing in the rain, just for a lark
and let myself really hear
the sounds of nature beating like a drum
a thumpa-thump-a-thumpa-thump-a-thum
As the universe unfolds within my minds eye
pleasing and satisfying; more than life
there is a peace of mind for the long fight
and success is earned; not a given right.
Freedom, too; nothing is free
sweat, tears, blood; they claim it a disease
then they turn around and make themselves weak
beat themselves, make themselves lose
and blame everyone else, so they choose
to write their own prophecies by their own hands
choosing their destinies through perception of grains of sand
in an hourglass
and isn’t that a fact
watch it tumble and fall through the narrow channel
and see it funnel and spiral
counting out the seconds of a world that never existed
never subsisted; just sat there and listed
tilted and fell on its side for lack of balance
as the people of the world scrambled to find it
fighting themselves over the same ideals viewed from different perspectives
becoming so much insanity in the sands of time
as they never listen; never see; never feel
and claim that they do; never understand what’s real
Never the ones to rise above; they do, but then fall into new traps
soul traps, ego traps, grandeur and greatness, fame and fortune
and they come to love those lies as much as the prison they rose above
to become enslaved to that new prison, based in a mockery of love
Never able to hold up or lift up as much as truth ever could
nor long-lasting as much as true love would
if given even half a chance by those who give up way too soon
stop trying, they turn around and go the other route
and isn’t it sad; isn’t it tragic
when people just stop trying and give up caring
turn their backs to the problems of the world
To carve their own living, make it spin and twirl
like a self-made jackass sitting on his own finger
sitting and spinning and looking ever so pretty
for all the pieces of himself he lost; compensating with vanity
Never us; never free; never our faces
Never our names and never our voices
Never who we are inside; never who we want to be
well, come and follow me; come and follow me
we’ll give the nameless names; the faceless give faces
We’ll trek the unknown in search of great adventure
and fight the world together
let no one be left behind
let no one be lost and crying; heartbroken and dying
on the inside; let’s march on to eternity
My penis needs a hug; and I’m sad because I’m just not succeeding enough in being simple enough to really be happy with anything new or genuinely interesting that I find. I kind of get the feeling that I’m not really allowed to have any true fun in life. But, more importantly, my penis needs a hug.
Hmmmm… My choices in life: either be a pathetic little crybaby that was annoying as Hell due to hyperactivity issues and poor impulse control that people only grudgingly liked; someone who only wanted to have friends in life, but constantly failed to actually be friends with others or make friends out of them, i.e. friends are people that actually openly give a shit about you, which none of my ‘friends’ really do. I think they do it more to ease their own guilt and their own suffering for not having any true friends than because they actually give a shit; or, I could someone that’s confident and secure in who he is that has no friends and nobody that truly cares about him who at least doesn’t fall back down the well of self-pity, but still can’t express himself properly, still ostracizes himself by being obviously superior to others without even wanting to exert superiority over them and does so anyway, proving that he’s better and further making people fucking hate him.
I might want to die, I don’t know anymore. Too caught up in trying to actually live my life after spending the first 20 years of it dead on the inside and the next 8-9 years crawling out of that. I know dying would be less of an inconvenience, but I worked so damn hard on this already that I just don’t want to give up again after actually succeeding.
I’m afraid that if I ever hook up with a woman and we start having a relationship that I’ll just be this insufferable know-it-all that always has to be right and make her hate my fucking guts and push me away over time; or worse yet, it’ll be just this constant fucking fight throughout all the time we’re together until one of us dies and the other realizes just how lonely they are and wishes that things could have been different. I’m worried that the woman that I am trying to love through all of this adversity I’m going through may not even be interested in me because while I’ve come to accept my own string-bean body no matter how much I would rather have been a musclebound freak, I know women are a lot more turned on by musclebound freaks. And, that makes me sad.
I’m also worried that after a certain point, after putting in so much hard work just to be able to love someone constantly through all of the hardships and everything else, that it will simply be a just going through the motions type of thing, even if I’m able to keep my end of the romance thing up, would she even want to, and if she’s highly intelligent like me, might think it’s just a stupid mechanism to keep her interested in me, as if I’m manipulating her interests. And maybe I would be, at that point. Just going out of my way to do what I always wanted to do for someone just to satisfy my need and desire to be loved and enough so to the point where I actually love another person with quality effort just to be loved.
And, I never used to think like that, and that would have once made me depressed as fuck, but now I’m supposedly better able to handle it, more confident in myself and have gotten the ball rolling from I-don’t-want-to-die to I-want-to-live, and these are the sack-of-shit thoughts that I have to deal with that seemingly go along with it.
So, I think I want to die, but I don’t because there’s something keeping me going and it’s really pissing me off that it waited until I didn’t want to die anymore to spring all of this on me and try to make me believe they’re my own twisted thoughts, that this is how I actually am, when I never used to actually be those things. And, I really fucking hate it.
So, I guess I’m still the really pathetic crybaby that I always was. Fuck it.
but at least I’m not depressed because my family fucked me over and my friends started treating me differently because I was homeless and going through some ‘changes’ based on what I was experiencing in the mind, which seemed completely sane to me and them both and I’m not depressed because they lied their fucking asses off about it all and I’m furthermore not depressed because I’m homeless and free from that blackhole I was stuck in most of my life. Thank God for that.
fucking shitfuck motherfucks.
This post made me cry. You seem like you have a feminine mind. So I am still a psychopath, but, odd as it is, I do have feelings. Normally I dont cry, even at movies at funerals, but for some reason, I did here.
You know… I’m really getting to hate that shit. All people have similar minds, whether male or female. Only the expected norm changes the perception and people lie out their fucking asses. All men think like I do, to some extent, no matter if they go their whole life believing otherwise simply because nothing has ever made them realize it. Women are just as able to have a ‘male’ mindset as men are to have a ‘female’ mindset. It’s all psychological bullshit that is society-enforced.
People don’t really know what it truly means to be THE King of Kings.
They must just think the title contrived or think along faulty lines that only means certain kings, but even the Kings of horror and darkness must bow and pay homage to their King.
I’d like you to meet some very dear friends of mine:
I have many friends of the Light, as well; but I like my friends of the dark, as well.
Random,
Feel like I need to go to that Facebook link just above a few posts, but not going to sign up on Facebook. No can do! Facebook is evil. It takes the important things you have to give in earnest and Facebook exploits your yearning soul to no end!
…And that is different from the rest of society and what people say about everything, how?
Wow, you stumped me on that one. Thank you! I’ll answer your “how?” when I feel raw again.
I suppose I should stop holding my breath in anticipation of a quick return to you being ‘raw’.
There’s a little place in the heart that I love to be
just a little place, but it’s large enough to me
a place that I call ‘home’
and carry everywhere I go
Every place I’ve been has been sadly lacking
so many elements of life and love, hate detracting
so many closed hearts and minds
are found, time after time
out of rhythm, without rhyme
becoming things mechanical
a little less ‘real’
day by day more structural
as others’ joy they try to steal
and make their own
Those tired and weary to the bone
must find ways to relax and rest
while anxious stress puts them to the test
to be more than another, the best of the best
driven by societies demands
as even reality must bow to ‘the man’
I want to go away
somewhere far, to enjoy the day
find some way to escape
as they try to enslave
I want to slip out
go from this world of doubt
to another where peace can be free
from this devastating mockery
Somewhere where man is still animal
running barefoot through the world
somewhere where a lazy day or two
will not be held against you
I’d like to escape to something simpler
where the complexities of evil do not deter
the learning of the complexities of a good-willed universe
but, there’s a place in the heart I carry
as home I take everywhere with me
a place prepared and fought hard for
through strong will preserved
as through adversity we persevere
if only I could blind and have the world slip away
close my eyes to dream and wake up in a different place
Then I could be ‘Human upon the wind’
‘Human of the sky’, flying through the open
‘Human of the grass’ running through the plains
or ‘Human of the trees’, where so many animals play
‘Human of the Earth’ in caves so deep
‘Human of the Sun and Moon’, dancing and laughing
somewhere far from here, where ‘they’ve’ yet to appear
and, for a time, enjoy again a heart and soul so pure and clear
Random,
Why? That’s what I keep asking myself about your “how?” Why do I not have an answer for you yet?
I feel you pouring so much of yourself into what you express (Thank you. I feel privileged to get a sense of you- the good, bad, ugly, and the beautiful. You feel honest, raw, with a tender mix of hope and hopelessness.), I worry that I may disappoint you which would bother me and then there’s that volatility in your responses, frankly you intimidate me.
Just thought you should know that I realize it’s on me to grow more, give more. May I have a pass on the “How?”
My question stems from the fact that you said what you said ironically and sarcastically while I made a genuine point from it in the guise of a serious, yet rhetorical, question. The question answers itself just like the sarcasm itself is an answer and added to the answer of the question I asked, thereby being ‘it’s not’.
The question I have now (which is the question I refer to by ‘My question stems…’, that start of this post) is, do you prefer chocolate chips or blueberries in your pancakes?
Random,
Every word I have written as of late has been true. Sarcasm is not a preferred mode of mine while communicating who I am and what I am about in someone’s thread. When I reach out to people wherever they are in their head/heart space, I am sincere in my attempt to articulate my best self through thoughtful, compassionate, humorous, honest judgement calls.
Facebook is evil, evil like the money it makes at it’s subscribers expense. All money making schemes are evil. You can call my assessment a play on the ironic and sarcastic, and perpetuate a narrative behind it which is all you. Continue as you were. Sorry about the intrusion.
You’re full of shit.
They made it personal
they should’ve never done that
taken everything but my heart and soul
destroyed, even, the things I didn’t have
as, more than me, they tried to kill
they made it personal
but it’s not revenge that I seek
they tried to steal what was real
drove me down as I tried to break free
to make me into their next meal
they made it personal
they should’ve never done that
as we drifted through the world surreal
they had me pinned to the wall by the flat of my back
now they have to contend; have to deal
They made it personal
took everything and destroyed me
came to devour my heart and soul
but found something more than me
they found the unbreakable
They made it personal…
They should’ve never done that.