Pen-Powered Insanity

There’s not much more that can be said
in rhyming form with wit in head
that hasn’t been said a thousand times before
people suffering, dying; quietly; loudly
insanity swarming the minds of people thinking deeply
finding multiple ways to compensate
only to dim their minds, become the seeming idiot
voices speaking to voices; voices destroying our wills
and what of freedom, physical or mental
who is to free us from the tyranny inherent
the will of men to dominate each other through thoughts incoherent
no reason to drive their wills
and is that not what we find our selves enslaved to
in this day and age, a lack of will; we’re destitute
A lack of will to drive our freedom-driven desires
as we chase our inner impulses; that which lights the inner fire
puts heat to our bones and to our minds to drive out
the thoughts that fill us both with reason and with doubt
What is there that could be said, of freedom
of the enslavement we put our selves through unwillingly
when the act of being willing slaves to the concepts that arise
might see us through the darkest days and nights
said it a thousand times before in a thousand different ways
and they said to free your mind instead of hating the institution
yet the institution was devised by the mind, is pushed forth by the mind
even those who fight against it must eventually fall in toward it
they play a game of will against will, survival of the fittest
and this is just another way of doing the same thing
passively aggressive; aggressively passive; all to push forth a goal
that is insidious in its nature; to set a pace in a modern age impossible to keep up with
I will make the ultimate sacrifice; for a kingdom I might never see
for a dominancy that may not be mine and I don’t mind
And if I were to succeed, it all would surely fail without immortal life
my kingdom come and only just begun as my body dies
and leaves behind a world that others would never be able to raise high
for failing to find the pace that I kept, the promise I made to the bereft
and to what extent of freedom given would enslavement be found inherent again
vice versa, switch it around, to what amount of enslavement could freedom be found within?
Did ancient philosophers struggle with these concepts?
what of King Solomon the wise who must have struggled with his own set of lies?
for lies are such the like that cause truth to catch the cheats up and cut them down to size
Instinct fighting reason; reason fighting instinct; all just to dominate others and this is my end?
I refuse it, I refuse the reason that spawns such illicit concepts
but for change to occur, dominance must secure
to which end our freedoms must be erased and written anew
and that might just be where the story began; begins; or where it grew
but it’s happened before a thousand times; a multitude
and to which is the better, reason or simple carnal instinct-driven
when history a thousandfold has shown how it has chosen
how each reason-driven man has fallen to the same temptations
and what of those temptations and where they spawn from
that such a devil does live and breathe inside of us
waiting until our greatest moments to tear us asunder
reaching into our minds to distract and confuse; confound and madden with pleasure or torture
What of God and God’s will, God’s dominance; this concept of God that is within us
born from our consciousness, as we were made in his image within again
the same within as the devil may be found and made its home
to which they fight a constant fight forever together for dominance
or so the story goes as they pat each other on the back and pick their champions
in a war of the spirit that spawns imagination; is called imagination
and yet happens so vibrantly to so many of us; perhaps once was common knowledge
but for repressions sake, such becomes lost to vague conceptualizations of
fear-driven modern citizens in a world of pop culture and magic turned into science
And here we sit again in a claimed world of reason
where instinct again drives us against ‘better’ sense
To which I lament and strike down all that would beg for me to listen
to false reason; even my own self I must destroy in the process
and which philosopher has said these things before I came?
Plato? Aristotle? Socrates? Confucius? Nietzsche? Which?
Out of math and science and greater learning did these men rise
with history guiding, compelling them to shape their minds
in the greatest colleges the world could provide
and so their philosophies became shaped with the worlds best knowledge
as given to them by men and what of their end when they did lament
in each their own way, the death of hope inside of them
for hoping to see such wonderful changes in their own worlds, in their own lives
in secret hoping for their wisdom to catapult them into a position of power
while their very essence did power deny for the sake of spite toward the battle inside
Each of them hoping both that they can bring about something new
and that someone else will come along to show them how
nevermind the seeming contradiction of such, the mind is not a place for ‘reason’
especially when the blood covers our minds and boils and burns
causing us to have to relearn with quickness all that we learned before
or be caught up in some ‘insanity’ that tears us apart and may place us too far
from the very things we sought to reach for
and against this paradox of freedom and enslavement
men have railed and fought throughout the ages
how can you have both if one can not be had without the other
and what is freedom; what is enslavement; when people differ more from each other
than man from animal in their misguided societal ventures
And what of the day when people refuse to rebel AND refuse to be mislead
and they call their leaders to clean up their own messes
force them to fix what they destroyed when, with their riches, they try to escape
when murder and death no longer fixes and people are entrenched in their jobs and family lives
to the point where killing and death are no longer considered wise
and this enslavement to the idea of freedom has been largely accepted
Wouldn’t that be rich? to watch world leaders give up and take it all from us
only to be rounded up and instead of brought to some form of justice
forced to continue being our leaders and made to clean up their messes
as they seek to refuse the responsibilities given and run further away from our ‘misguided’ concepts
of what life should be, driven by societies long, greed-driven struggles to this age of reason
What more can be said? What more can be done? Even when pushed to the limit by other men around them
people still refuse to take a stand, and it’s not that they lack the will or are too chicken
but because they’re tired of this battle of stupidity inside of them
where the reason of one day conflicts with the reason of another
and for situational ethics and circumstantial differences are labeled
hypocritical or inconsistent, or have their entire careers shredded in front of them
by hateful and jealous men and women
again that fight within us all; of devil and God the madman
And to what point should I label myself as better just because, of this, I’m able to be cognizant?
Even ancient warlords learned the hard way, that you can not all the time be vigilant
and the blade that kills often comes in the back or side from trusted advisors or friends
in broad daylight, not often in the middle of the night; even assassins have lives
Against common sense and sanity I have staked my claim
against the will of even immortal vestiges, I have pitted my wit and my will
and to what extent of self-flattery do I state such a thing
when my mind becomes a center of attack from pleasure to pain
and believe me when I say that pleasure is an attack, some times more than pain
what I am and what I claim to be is just insane
but genius coincides with it and I claim that, too
and wisdom is surely mine and so is reason
but so must the inverse and reverse be mine, too
And when such a battle of dominance comes to an end
will I be all alone again, or surrounded by new friends?
Or will I be in the ground, buried; dead.
Even small-timers bid for dominance
thieves and con artists of ghettoes and slums
sue each other for dominance to pursue their causes and their skills
predatory figures that we label as thugs with guns, or trash, or bums
meanwhile this battle inside softly, harshly, insidiously kills
one by one as nature sweeps us under the rug
using our energy to keep alive a constant state of disharmonic reality
to aid and abet the greatest energy farm for immaterial objects
to which we are bred like cattle for the slaughter
all the while they love us, yet hate us, and are filled with disjointed laughter
‘they’ being they, the people all around us and the voices we may or may not hear
the madnesses we may or may not endure; the lives we live in sadness and disarray
while perfection is out of reach and life is made to keep our desires away
to make us go out and fight each other in some sort of hunger game style
of fight to the death; which death do we choose; or not play at all and die all the same
and, again, how many times has this been said before, in how many ways?
At what point are we lead to say and state with clear minds: fuck this world and fuck this thinking
Fuck these peons and rich folk alike and fuck this world filled with strife; but that’s a lot of fucking
for which our minds are pre-disposed toward along with our cocks and cunts
to fill and be filled with thoughts of fucking for fuckings sake; we don’t give a fuck
and against such rape of physicality and mentality, how do we compensate
if such rape is allowed to occur and we are made to fight on our own against superior numbers
to which so many become indoctrinated and learn to enjoy it
or to turn away from fucking entirely even when they might enjoy
just based in the trauma that was induced, sent their way
All the while people go out and do what they do
avoiding thoughts of deeper recesses of the mind
and avoiding that abyss to which they state do not look upon or within
while others still run straight into it
And all of this again coincides with thoughts of freedom and enslavement
for which we fight and are denied time and again by the very essense of reality around
as it swirls and twirls and forces us down upon our knees, lined up along the ground
like so many sex-slaves with open minds like open legs ready for the intense serious ass-fucking that commences
when Gods and devils no longer need physical representatives to kill or be killed
and can drive us insane or to further heights of pleasure and pain
with just so little as an infusion of confusion through simple inducement of the chemicals of our brains
But who is to talk openly about such things; who can do so and not be concluded to be insane?
and therein I stake my claim again and again and to which I find myself combatting invisible combatants
and against my reality who can claim that their reality is stronger and more convincing
who among the mortal rabble could rationally speak against such without reducing themselves to insults and slander
for fear of having such thoughts and voices invite themselves within their minds
either for the first time, like a virgin, or again after having properly put fear into the hearts of such men
and here I am again saying, what more can be said?
To which I have just given another poem of things that can be said
and yet it remains just variations of what has already been said countless times in countless ways since the dawn of our kind
and perhaps since before even that, in other spaces and places within spaces throughout space itself and outside of time
who are we, what have we become, where did we come from and where do we go?
When does this all end, when did it begin; where and how and why and what
and you know what? I don’t give a fuck, being so swept up in the mounting pressure of
this modern age of fools and foolish ones who tried so hard to rise up and failed to keep people like me down
to which I must stake a claim to being the biggest beast
but not that beast for which the bible claims must rise up
nein, there are worse beasts than me and my kind and worse beasts than me within my kind
And yet when the ball is dropped and it comes to a head, what worse beast could be found than me and mine?
Am I many or am I one, am I savior or legion rising up
to which such thoughts I must entertain, I must think of
and so I keep all parts of me alive against better sense and reason
to have this battle fight itself inside of me with a multitude of voices
with the mark of insanity as I pivot through reality; as I reach for some form of twisted immortality
and I tell them, I don’t care if I live forever as long as my life helped make it all greater
I could die tomorrow if I could rest content with the fact that my lifes career changed this world into something we all could enjoy
Though I wouldn’t be opposed to immortality or leadership and have said before that I was born to be king of this world
and such a claim I take seriously, such a thing I say with hopes for responsibility
but against such thoughts as I have experienced, how could I keep it up all the time as much as is needed by this so-called free world
of enslaved individuals too enslaved by complacency to solve their own problems
and thus round and round again I go in my own mind, how to be leader and grant freedom, too, for people to learn what I have learned
and how do you teach those who refuse to learn, who seemingly lie
yet all the while fit in with the rest of the crowd and whose actions show over time the pursuit of the same things
against their own minds will, they come to love all of life even as they say they do not care
I find that such savagery of the mind, when chased to the end of the line, becomes circular and never ends
it just goes and begins something newer, hoping for different results
and yet the only different result is to start something older while hoping for the same results, for then you may get something newer against your will
yet why should you do something older and hope for the same results unless you found an answer you thought had fit
and would you then embrace the change that comes or fight against it, causing such change to fight you back
and who becomes our enemies then, but our families and our friends as we fight each other on varying sides over something that we only perceived to be better or worse than what we had in place previously
for change is the essence of life and change must be had for when change is not had and people are forced to do something they know is wrong, are sick and bloody tired of
then what are they going to do, even against their own will, except work it out unknowingly through their subconscious actions and through their body language
so even as the world seeks to hold onto this seemingly nice and wonderful society and brotherhood of men, they speak against themselves
their words and actions work against their selfish intentions and our pop culture becomes what it becomes even when the artists don’t consider the implications as much as their audiences
for all people would like all things if not for determining that they should not like it
and at the risk of not liking something, perhaps are choosing to dislike a necessary part of life
and at such a point as driving forth their own sense and reason may be cutting out a part of life entirely necessary to the essence of change
but why should life change so much and why should people not be content with peace if peace could be found?
For entertainments sake and our species becomes a bunch of spoiled children as much as they claim adulthood and are confused as adults
even against the wisdom and reason that states that all living and warm-blooded creatures are too young when compared to everything around them that they find cold and lifeless and claim not to be living
And until people seek to learn the wisdom of a tree or a rock or stream of water
and sit there for long years of their life, or an eternity within a second if that can be understood by even those who like to drag out of context and over-exaggerate their understanding
to make fun of such a concept they can understand full well if they gave it half a chance for half a second
would we ever make and take a step in the right direction
and of the mortals who learn from the cosmos and spend long years imagining the wisdom of a planet or a sun or a solar system
what kind of life could they expect to live alongside those who learned from shorter-lived organisms
and if we can concisely and constructively learn from so many longer-lived things within our own short-lived lives
how the Hell can we expect ourselves to know this perfectly or reconcile it within our selves
to which the battle must have begun once upon a time in such a manner as a mite of a mortal made a claim to such beings that such could be done
and finding strong the arrogance in the confidence of that unknowing mortal, so mankind was doomed to a battle of the spirit it has long been dominated by
so… you tell me what more can be said and which philosopher has said it and I might go back to learning from mortal men and women the answers that I give and have been given through various mental lessons
And this I say to push forth other men in abstract fashion as assuredly and knowingly I do learn from mortal men and women regardless and with intent
And when you can tell me where my spirit comes from and my strength of will; such a spirit and such a strength still being found within regardless of pain; strength only being found because it needed to be found and such strength would have been developed even without undue suffering
I might be able to help you to come to an understanding of what must be done within our own lives to secure such proper growth for future generations to find strength and spirit in much better ways than we have done and much better ways than past generations have done
without being twisted by insanity or some battle that has yet to come to completion; such various and seemingly contradictory phrases and places and faces
There is an answer, there has been an answer and it is the same answer repeated in infinity while all other answers fall flat
for against false reasoning we do rebel and against false leaders we do rise up and against falsities we are ever vigilant
against our own gullibility and naivety we become like militants and so I have learned that it is not against leaders that we rise
and it is not against reason that we rebel and it is not truth which we first learned to hate
but falsities which made us hate the truth for the sugary sweetness of such falsities and their ability to be granted to us easily over short periods of time while the truth dominates consistantly in the long term
It is not truth we truly hate, but the falsities that make us unable to relate, unable to rise above the hate and fall in to self-created fates
Against false reasoning and falsity we do rise up even as some claim to rise up against such while they fight against truth that states otherwise and label it as falsity
so they can hold onto some limited and short-term possible gain
to which is the answer that has slapped us all repeatedly in the face
and for the gullibility and naivety of our own youths, twisted and distorted and ripped from us in false loyalty
for having addictions fed, simple instincts driven and served up, we find our selves lacking true royalty
true leaders which would give us reason to love this life again, truth that would enable us to set aside even the sweetest lies and sentiments
for something we could ascertain and hold and keep close to us in eternity
something that, in the long term, we would not come to despise.
But, what more can be fucking said
to so many people who refuse to listen, refuse to actually be intelligent
and refuse to give proper discipline to their children for their children to respect them?
For who would respect anyone who speaks not from a ground already triumphed over
when that ground crumbles from beneath them and shows their ‘truths’, no matter how truthful, to be inconsistent
And don’t you know that once someone has failed so horribly, that people will refuse to listen to them again until such impossible lengths are gone through for that person to reclaim respect from those who sneered?
And most would just give up and turn away and yet still they learn everyday how to reinforce their own lives in their own ways
for lack of true leadership and true leadership being waylaid by so many false organizations that breed greed and falsities around us
and drive people to disrespect their leaders and organizations that might make a difference
and causing those might-be-differences to be lost in a faulty system of legislative brilliance
for brilliance it must be even in its deviance, for forcing people to get jobs, to do things
or to be labeled as impossible to be taken seriously or with any grain of salt…
For don’t you know if you speak against the system, the inevitable question comes up, ‘do you have a job,’ or ‘why don’t you get a job’
and ‘how can you have the right to say anything at all when you don’t even have a job.’
When having a job makes you a part of the problem in this day and age and becomes a way of shutting you up, making you dependant on a system of failures for sustenance
to which such a system is unable to continue providing as it grows quickly out of control of even those seeking momentary gains
for which I fear the same of any thing I create in and with my name
who will carry it on after I’m done, after I’m dead and gone
and isn’t it immortality then that people wish for, that such short lives are incapable of providing the long-term shit needed
to actually secure a possible change in a world with so many people of varying skills and perspectives
and such is worse when you realize we shift leaders every 4 years, for how can there be any consistency at all in even one country, let alone the world
when you have such different people seeking to lead the country in their own ways with their own people and policies
and everything just ceases to be right
even if someone were to learn how to do things exactly like another, they would be doing it wrong
and therein lies another lie given to the mind, because if you just tried your best, who could fault or deny the fact that it was enough; it had to be enough to get people through
And it is the lack of trying for which I claim to be the cause and what we seek to change
and so many people give up instead of continuing to try
and for what do they try, to what ends do we try
so many people would cry and even decry correct reasoning to instill their falsities of the times
To which all philosophers have noted regardless of their stance of how to live life
of how brutal we should be, of how things should be done
and you know what? fuck them all, they’re all fucking stupid when you get right down to it
for they carry forth a singular ideology, a singular way of doing things and for singular individuals it might work; hell, they might as well have shown how to handle themselves, did they not?
They think certain things of others that should be given, certain punishments that should be deriven and at such a point, are they tasting the flavors and pleasures of their own artistries?
I think therefore that each persons ideology be tested against themselves first to find how accurate it is and how well it works and to see how much they like it or want it in the long term before they’re ever let to lead
and for those that such works against, let them be boss of those people
but be wary of the differences that state that such does not work for all
and all those who are discontent will find ways to work toward your premature end
in one form or another, lest they actually choose to make such poor leaders fix their own messes
if they can be trusted to do so without us holding their hands or would do honest and quality work even with us standing over them as overseers, their ‘tyrants’ that they despise
And to any person who does not consider even this when they have the luxury to do so, who is to state they are fit to be a leader
and if they can not defend themselves and do not inspire others to defend them or can only inspire with fear, then what leadership should they be given?
And yet so many uneducated and naive and gullible fools are loyal without cause to people they later on regret being loyal to when their backs are turned and such people find cause to stab knife within and encase it with salt in the wound as they spit in your face and run away, laughing, only to regret it themselves later on when they consider the depth of friendship they lost and that they then have to move on to find others to leech off
and over time, you begin to know their kind, it becomes so obvious in their actions and reactions regardless of what they learn
at least if you stick to truth and telling it even to your self, calling your self on it and not being afraid of it
for life will let you repress your self and truth of self if you wish to, will delight in confusing you
And so many people shy away from sharing their personal philosophy on life, their own personal insights
and that in itself people should be wary of, yet it’s accepted so openly even while people endorse paranoia and talk behind each others backs
each person latching on to stronger people than them; people they perceive to be stronger than them and who among those people actually helps those people to be stronger themselves instead of letting their ‘people’ be so dependent on them?
And if you show them the truth of those people, do they not rally to their wannabe leaders while hating you for being stronger?
And if you show them the truth of your self, do they not hate you for being so weak, disrespect you in private if not openly, look at you as lesser than them in some way or another for having a moment of weakness where you had to rely on them instead
and what is that but the equality we fucking strive for; in front of our faces the whole god damn time
no one man set in stone to be the worlds leader, but all men and women relying on all other men and women
in turn and when need be, and not judging each other for weaknesses or strengths
insofar as we are all moving forward together and things are getting better
less people thieving, less people stealing and conniving; lying and denying
less people killing for there being less reason to kill, less drive and desire
less evils in men to drive us forward into black and darkened fires
that do little to light people up with power the way that some are that would avidly seek to avoid abusing that power
Who among the great philosophers has found a proper answer to this problem, has given adamant reasons to pursue such courses
and what world leader through dominating power-struggles has actually acutely and accurately described and fixed the problem
Which among the worlds current philosophers, teachers, doctors, etc. has actually summed up these thoughts in their professions or given rise to new research and development that is not simple repeats of thoughts long past
and which among those people could further even these thoughts into concrete forms of treatment for the ‘insane’ when they rely mostly on pills that do little to help people actually learn to deal with a part of life
and who among those people could find better answers by risking such darkness and insanity in spite of ‘cultured’ and ‘accepted’ methods and who would risk it at all when doing so could mean the very livelihood that their families rely on?
Circles in circles around circles of thinking that have actual answers to them if people were to actually think these thoughts and come back to them when the darkness recedes
But for fear such wisdom wanes, false reason reigns and rains down pain upon our shoulder blades as we know of perfection but refuse to reach for it; know of better realities, but are unwilling to be burnt upon it.
And what more could be said of such by the rest of the world, where are the modern philosophers and leaders of men with fires in their guts and in their eyes
who refuse to stay down, refuse to give up the fight they fight
and what do they have to say and add to this rambling bit of wit that fails to actually solve the problem and was not designed to
for even christianity and catholocism have set their own downfalls, waiting for a singular man to fix all their problems for them while they go out and recruit people like mercenaries to do their religions work
And what do those priests have to say against this uncommercialized version of faith, this bit of reality and truth in a world wholly marketed for our consumption all while people make money they will never spend to keep consumption and hunger high to push people into a future they didn’t need to be pushed into
Where are those who have something different to say about society than to sing its praises, or give rise to some new philosopher or holy man, who having sold their works to the commercialized world do hypocrisize and do undermine their own faith
and do espouse others to do the same, in their own way, to live their own lives of their own lies within their own conceived fame as only those who seek to hear and read those things do and only a set few of those can understand fully
and the problem lays in the fact that that’s what they settle on, for lacking the bile in their gut rising to their mouth to spit out in distaste to actually push beyond and do what needs to be done
and they have their place in society while countless people do not; other groups are started and lost
and of a successful group in a corrupted world, what can you state of such a group except that it has done what it has needed to do to stay alive and thus undermined itself even if it preaches one thing, for it does not practice what it preaches and espouses hypocrites of hypocrites
as blind men and women lead blind men and women and teach blindly to blind children who see all too clearly before accepting blindness for what it means
Where is the clergyman who can adequately represent their faith without religious fervor and with truth and honesty in their eyes instead of the same tired lines for fear of having originality be tinged with the same corruptability that is already inherent in it all
Because I haven’t seen a single one of these men and women; a single one of these people who can adequately represent their ideals and beliefs and ideologies
Not a single one holds anything more than a small candles flame in a whirlwind of epic proportion as the flame peters out and they claim a great blaze has been lit where coldness subsists at the heart of their organizations and feeds off whatever warmth and energy arises from within, leaving others cold and lonely at the core of them
and What more can be fucking said

There’s a million words inside of me
that I wish could be said
A thousand ways that I could act
that I wish would be accepted
Lies in the heart of me
Secrets on the door
never what I wanted to be
does that make me a whore?
Never free, never me
never the name people call me
never the face that they see
never the voice that they hear
it’s never been so clear
Mistakes made in life
Head held high through so much strife
and who I am is so much more
than what others give me credit for
but what they see is never me
what they hear is never clear
and what name they give
can never be the one that lives
face turning into so much empty space
up for rent; gone and spent
Who I was never meant to be who I will be
And where I’m going only testament
to the will of men to rise up and keep going
caught in an undertow of a rising tide
surfing the waves of the storms of life
never for my sake did I rise
never for my sake will I die
and tomorrow may see the sun denied
but I’ll learn to dance in the dark
and laugh in the face of fear
sing in the rain, just for a lark
and let myself really hear
the sounds of nature beating like a drum
a thumpa-thump-a-thumpa-thump-a-thum
As the universe unfolds within my minds eye
pleasing and satisfying; more than life
there is a peace of mind for the long fight
and success is earned; not a given right.
Freedom, too; nothing is free
sweat, tears, blood; they claim it a disease
then they turn around and make themselves weak
beat themselves, make themselves lose
and blame everyone else, so they choose
to write their own prophecies by their own hands
choosing their destinies through perception of grains of sand
in an hourglass
and isn’t that a fact
watch it tumble and fall through the narrow channel
and see it funnel and spiral
counting out the seconds of a world that never existed
never subsisted; just sat there and listed
tilted and fell on its side for lack of balance
as the people of the world scrambled to find it
fighting themselves over the same ideals viewed from different perspectives
becoming so much insanity in the sands of time
as they never listen; never see; never feel
and claim that they do; never understand what’s real
Never the ones to rise above; they do, but then fall into new traps
soul traps, ego traps, grandeur and greatness, fame and fortune
and they come to love those lies as much as the prison they rose above
to become enslaved to that new prison, based in a mockery of love
Never able to hold up or lift up as much as truth ever could
nor long-lasting as much as true love would
if given even half a chance by those who give up way too soon
stop trying, they turn around and go the other route
and isn’t it sad; isn’t it tragic
when people just stop trying and give up caring
turn their backs to the problems of the world
To carve their own living, make it spin and twirl
like a self-made jackass sitting on his own finger
sitting and spinning and looking ever so pretty
for all the pieces of himself he lost; compensating with vanity
Never us; never free; never our faces
Never our names and never our voices
Never who we are inside; never who we want to be
well, come and follow me; come and follow me
we’ll give the nameless names; the faceless give faces
We’ll trek the unknown in search of great adventure
and fight the world together
let no one be left behind
let no one be lost and crying; heartbroken and dying
on the inside; let’s march on to eternity

My penis needs a hug; and I’m sad because I’m just not succeeding enough in being simple enough to really be happy with anything new or genuinely interesting that I find. I kind of get the feeling that I’m not really allowed to have any true fun in life. But, more importantly, my penis needs a hug.

Hmmmm… My choices in life: either be a pathetic little crybaby that was annoying as Hell due to hyperactivity issues and poor impulse control that people only grudgingly liked; someone who only wanted to have friends in life, but constantly failed to actually be friends with others or make friends out of them, i.e. friends are people that actually openly give a shit about you, which none of my ‘friends’ really do. I think they do it more to ease their own guilt and their own suffering for not having any true friends than because they actually give a shit; or, I could someone that’s confident and secure in who he is that has no friends and nobody that truly cares about him who at least doesn’t fall back down the well of self-pity, but still can’t express himself properly, still ostracizes himself by being obviously superior to others without even wanting to exert superiority over them and does so anyway, proving that he’s better and further making people fucking hate him.

I might want to die, I don’t know anymore. Too caught up in trying to actually live my life after spending the first 20 years of it dead on the inside and the next 8-9 years crawling out of that. I know dying would be less of an inconvenience, but I worked so damn hard on this already that I just don’t want to give up again after actually succeeding.

I’m afraid that if I ever hook up with a woman and we start having a relationship that I’ll just be this insufferable know-it-all that always has to be right and make her hate my fucking guts and push me away over time; or worse yet, it’ll be just this constant fucking fight throughout all the time we’re together until one of us dies and the other realizes just how lonely they are and wishes that things could have been different. I’m worried that the woman that I am trying to love through all of this adversity I’m going through may not even be interested in me because while I’ve come to accept my own string-bean body no matter how much I would rather have been a musclebound freak, I know women are a lot more turned on by musclebound freaks. And, that makes me sad.

I’m also worried that after a certain point, after putting in so much hard work just to be able to love someone constantly through all of the hardships and everything else, that it will simply be a just going through the motions type of thing, even if I’m able to keep my end of the romance thing up, would she even want to, and if she’s highly intelligent like me, might think it’s just a stupid mechanism to keep her interested in me, as if I’m manipulating her interests. And maybe I would be, at that point. Just going out of my way to do what I always wanted to do for someone just to satisfy my need and desire to be loved and enough so to the point where I actually love another person with quality effort just to be loved.

And, I never used to think like that, and that would have once made me depressed as fuck, but now I’m supposedly better able to handle it, more confident in myself and have gotten the ball rolling from I-don’t-want-to-die to I-want-to-live, and these are the sack-of-shit thoughts that I have to deal with that seemingly go along with it.

So, I think I want to die, but I don’t because there’s something keeping me going and it’s really pissing me off that it waited until I didn’t want to die anymore to spring all of this on me and try to make me believe they’re my own twisted thoughts, that this is how I actually am, when I never used to actually be those things. And, I really fucking hate it.

So, I guess I’m still the really pathetic crybaby that I always was. Fuck it.

but at least I’m not depressed because my family fucked me over and my friends started treating me differently because I was homeless and going through some ‘changes’ based on what I was experiencing in the mind, which seemed completely sane to me and them both and I’m not depressed because they lied their fucking asses off about it all and I’m furthermore not depressed because I’m homeless and free from that blackhole I was stuck in most of my life. Thank God for that.

fucking shitfuck motherfucks.

This post made me cry. You seem like you have a feminine mind. So I am still a psychopath, but, odd as it is, I do have feelings. Normally I dont cry, even at movies at funerals, but for some reason, I did here.

You know… I’m really getting to hate that shit. All people have similar minds, whether male or female. Only the expected norm changes the perception and people lie out their fucking asses. All men think like I do, to some extent, no matter if they go their whole life believing otherwise simply because nothing has ever made them realize it. Women are just as able to have a ‘male’ mindset as men are to have a ‘female’ mindset. It’s all psychological bullshit that is society-enforced.

facebook.com/BlaineLarsenMu … 465182289/

People don’t really know what it truly means to be THE King of Kings.

They must just think the title contrived or think along faulty lines that only means certain kings, but even the Kings of horror and darkness must bow and pay homage to their King.

I’d like you to meet some very dear friends of mine:

I have many friends of the Light, as well; but I like my friends of the dark, as well.

Random,

:happy-smileyinthebox:

Feel like I need to go to that Facebook link just above a few posts, but not going to sign up on Facebook. No can do! Facebook is evil. It takes the important things you have to give in earnest and Facebook exploits your yearning soul to no end!

…And that is different from the rest of society and what people say about everything, how?

Wow, you stumped me on that one. Thank you! I’ll answer your “how?” when I feel raw again.

I suppose I should stop holding my breath in anticipation of a quick return to you being ‘raw’.

There’s a little place in the heart that I love to be
just a little place, but it’s large enough to me
a place that I call ‘home’
and carry everywhere I go
Every place I’ve been has been sadly lacking
so many elements of life and love, hate detracting
so many closed hearts and minds
are found, time after time
out of rhythm, without rhyme
becoming things mechanical
a little less ‘real’
day by day more structural
as others’ joy they try to steal
and make their own

Those tired and weary to the bone
must find ways to relax and rest
while anxious stress puts them to the test
to be more than another, the best of the best
driven by societies demands
as even reality must bow to ‘the man’

I want to go away
somewhere far, to enjoy the day
find some way to escape
as they try to enslave
I want to slip out
go from this world of doubt
to another where peace can be free
from this devastating mockery

Somewhere where man is still animal
running barefoot through the world
somewhere where a lazy day or two
will not be held against you
I’d like to escape to something simpler
where the complexities of evil do not deter
the learning of the complexities of a good-willed universe
but, there’s a place in the heart I carry
as home I take everywhere with me
a place prepared and fought hard for
through strong will preserved
as through adversity we persevere
if only I could blind and have the world slip away
close my eyes to dream and wake up in a different place

Then I could be ‘Human upon the wind’
‘Human of the sky’, flying through the open
‘Human of the grass’ running through the plains
or ‘Human of the trees’, where so many animals play
‘Human of the Earth’ in caves so deep
‘Human of the Sun and Moon’, dancing and laughing
somewhere far from here, where ‘they’ve’ yet to appear
and, for a time, enjoy again a heart and soul so pure and clear

Random,

Why? That’s what I keep asking myself about your “how?” Why do I not have an answer for you yet?

I feel you pouring so much of yourself into what you express (Thank you. I feel privileged to get a sense of you- the good, bad, ugly, and the beautiful. You feel honest, raw, with a tender mix of hope and hopelessness.), I worry that I may disappoint you which would bother me and then there’s that volatility in your responses, frankly you intimidate me.

Just thought you should know that I realize it’s on me to grow more, give more. May I have a pass on the “How?”

My question stems from the fact that you said what you said ironically and sarcastically while I made a genuine point from it in the guise of a serious, yet rhetorical, question. The question answers itself just like the sarcasm itself is an answer and added to the answer of the question I asked, thereby being ‘it’s not’.

The question I have now (which is the question I refer to by ‘My question stems…’, that start of this post) is, do you prefer chocolate chips or blueberries in your pancakes?

Random,

Every word I have written as of late has been true. Sarcasm is not a preferred mode of mine while communicating who I am and what I am about in someone’s thread. When I reach out to people wherever they are in their head/heart space, I am sincere in my attempt to articulate my best self through thoughtful, compassionate, humorous, honest judgement calls.

Facebook is evil, evil like the money it makes at it’s subscribers expense. All money making schemes are evil. You can call my assessment a play on the ironic and sarcastic, and perpetuate a narrative behind it which is all you. Continue as you were. Sorry about the intrusion.

You’re full of shit.