Then it’s settled.
Probably the same.
So today is the staff Christmas party. I’m already drinking my first coffee of the day, will be getting drunk this evening, and most likely stoned when I get home tonight.
Then tomorrow it will be complete sobriety… from pot. The drinking and caffeine consumption will continue as per Mags’ recommendation. Will be doing this until Feb. 11. The 12th will be a Friday, so it’s a perfect day to drink, get caffeinated, and stoned. Hopefully, I’ll have a new music mix by then.
But honestly, I’m not expecting much from this round. I don’t expect to feel much different. The caffeine and the alcohol are what’s really killing me. The pot not so much (I don’t think). If anything, it might increase my levels of paranoia but that tends to stick with me whether I smoke weed regularly or not. Other than that, I’ll probably get a lot more work done.
But who knows. I may be surprised.
It’s been about 2 weeks now and so far so good.
My mood? I’m on the upswing. Good stuff. Is it because of the lack of cannabis? Who knows. I know that I’ve been doing a pretty good job at work, accomplishing a lot of tasks in a timely manner, and that makes me feel good. Am I doing a better job because of fewer drugs in my system. I really don’t know.
I haven’t really had any strong cravings. In fact, I’ve been having stronger cravings for cigarettes than for pot. And btw, that’s another thing:
I also decided to quit smoking… cold turkey… forever.
That’s another story that’s long. I’ve always been an occasional smoker. Would smoke with friends and on social outings and stuff. Ever since my wife and I separated however, I’ve been living on my own and there has been nothing stopping me from buying a pack. I’d usually buy the single cigars but ever since they banned them (the reasoning behind this law is outrageously stupid and I won’t get into it) I caved in and bought a pack. My first time.
So I promised myself one smoke from the pack a week. That lasted for maybe two weeks and then it became two per week, then three. Pretty soon I was smoking one a day, sometimes two. I decided to play on my own psychology like I usually do. I kept the pack in the glove compartment of my Durrango down in the garage. I figured if it was harder to get, I’d smoke them less. This worked for a bit, but eventually I just started caving in and going down to get one.
So one day, a few weeks before Dec 11 (the start of my current stint), I got stoned and found the inspiration to make a commitment to myself to quit smoking for good. And I did. This has stuck with me so far. I do get the odd craving to go out onto the balcony and have a smoke, but it isn’t the irresistible urge most smokers say it is. This isn’t that hard.
Today is February 11, the day that my current 2 month stint ends.
What did we learn this month, kids, what did we learn about consuming caffeine and alcohol without the cannibinoids?
Well, as usual, it’s hard to tell. I think abstaining from cannibinoids has made me less emotional, better able to handle hardships, but this is a very subjective and unmeasured assessment.
I’ve been through a few trials in the last month that were pretty harsh to take but I didn’t find myself being “caught” in the emotions that were invoked. What I mean is that although there’s been a lot of angst and anger and depression and fear, I found myself kind of sitting in the back seat of my mind just watching it–watching myself, watching my mind, watching my behavior, and just stoicly taking it in. That’s not to say I felt no emotions, but that I was able to keep a split between the lower self which is caught in the sticky webs of the emotional roller-coaster and the higher self which simply sits back and observes.
All I know about this two month stint without cannibinoids is that I observed myself doing this. I don’t know if this is because of the absence of cannibinoids or if this happens all the time anyway, but I noticed it.
January was quite a month for me. On January 4th, first thing in the morning, I got laid off. My project manager was kind enough to suggest to me that I contact ACM, a former client of ours, because he had heard they were looking for software developers. So I did. I contacted a former acquaintance there, emailed him my resume and cover letter, and ask him to pass it along to the boss. He did that, and a few days later I got a call back from them saying they were going to coordinate a job interview with Quadrus, the software company that they recently hired to take on their software projects. I had an edge because one of the upcoming projects they wanted to get started on was SafeGuard Profiler, an application that I used to work on at CoreData. No one at Quadrus knew the application or the code behind it. I did. So I went for the job interview, it went swimmingly, did a practicum they gave me, aced it with flying colors, basked in their praises of my performance on it, and essentially got the job. The actual arrangement for me to start working took a while, but it did happen: on Feb. 1st. I am now making 50% more than I was at my previous job (but with greater costs and risks).
So I’m employed again. But there is a catch. I’m now a contractor. For the first time in my life, I own my own business. It’s relatively knew to me and I’m still working out the finances and tax implications. But at least I’m employed.
Now along side this, there is another development: I go to the Saskatchewan Pub, a local bar in my neighborhood. I meet a guy from Quebec there who tells me that I’m an awesome guy to hang out with, have a beer with, but I would never survive in a court of law acting as my own lawyer. I know it’s the truth. I’m suddenly hit with the realization: this guys knows a shit load about me after only 5 minutes of conversing with me. I suddenly realize how transparent I am.
Later that night, I start talking with another dude at the bar. He turns out to be a spiritualist of some kind, or at least someone subject to spiritual experiences. He claims to be able to see the future. He puts it hypothetically: what if I were to tell you that you will be a millionaire, and married to a beautiful woman, would you believe me? I say no: I don’t believe nor do I disbelieve. He seems disappointed. He keeps reiterating the hypothetical scenario, getting emotional, even angry. He tells me: if it actually happened to you, then you would believe, wouldn’t you? I say: of course. He keeps reiterating the prophecy. I start to get the impression he’s not speaking hypothetically anymore, but that in order for the prophecy to come true, I have to believe it. But I can’t ask him: do I need to believe it in order for it to come true? That would defeat the purpose. At the same time, he can’t just deliver the prophecy in a non-hypothetical way, for then I would surely disbelieve it, sabotaging the entire operation. I’m speechless in the end. I say: I don’t know how to respond to that. I’ve hit a brick wall.
About a week later, I meet a beautiful blond.
The following Monday, I go back to the Saskatchewan Pub. Again, I meet a couple guys from Quebec. We start talking. The one guy tells me “I can tell you’re weak”. I ask him what he means by this. He says: you cannot lie. He then proceeds to show me how he and his buddy can spew bull shit like it’s child’s play. Again, I’m transparent to total strangers after 5 minutes of conversation. They can tell I wouldn’t survive as a lawyer (or politician, or salesman, or businessman).
Some time in the next few months, I’m going to buy a house. I’m going to rent half of it and live in the other half. This will save me $1000 a month and make me an extra $500.
I am 7 months out of a failed marriage.
It’s obvious to me that I’m going through a transition. First my marriage ends. Then I lose my job. Almost simultaneously I get a new job and find another woman, making more money, and possibly even more money in the next several month if this house thing pans out. The girl isn’t working out so well if you follow the link above, but since when were prophecies set in stone.
Anyway, throughout all this, I’ve kept my calm despite how emotional it’s all been. Is this because of a lack of cannibinoids in my system or do I draw connections between things with my fertile imagination that aren’t really related at all?
Oh, BTW, still not smoking.
I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t try to interject some temptation.
Too late my man, the 2 month stint is over.
And besides, it was weed I was depriving myself of, not booz. Perhaps you should have posted this:
My mistake. 
Gib wrote:
I have always thought this about you Gib:
You play your cards close to your chest and you are a shrewd operator, even though it seems otherwise, as you do have the tendency to act in the way you think people expect of you, but thinking about this, you do this for a reason.
I think all round Gib has been grossly under estimated, not only by people he knows, but by himself also, you must be surprising yourself daily.
I really thought the booze and drugs would get the better of you, but you prove me wrong and I happily acknowledge this.
All you need now is experience in the affairs of the heart and you are older now, so your past failures are not applicable to who you are today.
Kudos to Gib!
Are you in America? Is the housing market still depressed?
Thank you, Shieldy.
And again, I take back what I said to you earlier: I really, really don’t hate you.
I’m in Canada, and yes the housing market is still depressed, pretty much all over North America. But that’s a good thing for buyers.
I decided to chart my progress:
One good thing that’s come out of this is that I want to speed up the process. I want it to happen sooner.
There seems to be an average of six month periods between these stints. I have to half that. 3 months (or thereabouts).
And once I go through all combinations, I want to take a 1 year break from all drugs and alcohol. I think if there’s one thing these past several stints have been teaching me is that I need a lot more than 2 months.
I think this time around I’m going to forgo alcohol. So starting this Saturday, May 14th, I will go until July 14th with NO ALCOHOL!!!
BAAAHHH!!!
Gib,
So you’re going to use peroxide? 
Gargle only.
I said BAAAHHH!!!
Chill out Gib, have a Majito
If you lace it with acid, coke, maybe a crushed pill of ecstasy, I’ll drink. But no alcohol!!! 
I reeeaaallly wanted a drink on Friday. It was another one of my caffeine Fridays, and I had been really good the whole week. One cup of coffee in the morning on Monday, half a cup Wednesday mid-day, and then 3 cups Friday morning (and another big cup of Joe in the late afternoon). I was fucking wired… it would have been reeeaaally fun to drink that evening… but I didn’t.
^ Just patting myself on the back. Now go on with your lives.
Today is July 15th, the day I can drink again. Actually, I think yesterday was, but I decided to wait for today. (If I quit drinking on May 14th–meaning my last drink was at the latest on May 13th–then does two months mean I can start drinking on July 14th or that my abstinance must follow through on July 14th? I think it means I could have started yesterday, but whatever).
Anyway, what did we learn this time?
Overall, we learned that the absence of alcohol in my life is probably a pretty good thing. I get a lot more work done on the weekend–and I save a huge chunk of my wallet. I’d say that emotionally and physically, it doesn’t do too much. Emotionally, I’m still the same, and physically, I still get tired on my days off caffeine. Of course, by “physically”, I just mean how I feel (not counting the day after effect)–obviously there are many physical benefits to abstaining from alcohol. And of course, my non-caffeine days aren’t that bad when I’ve abstained from caffeine for a good long while, but I find that even half a cup of coffee ever odd day, which I sometimes need, can take a toll on my energy on the even days.
But I definitely like having an extra day on the weekend sans hang over, and I’ll take the savings in my bank account any day.
There are a couple other “learnings” I got out of this–not signs of life improvement per se, but definitely learnings:
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It’s definitely the caffeine that makes my trips twice as intense (at least). It’s a trend I’ve known in my drug use for a while now: on my Fridays, after I get jacked and drunk, I’ll smoke up. The high is definitely more intense than usual on these days. I always attributed it to the alcohol. I’ve read that alcohol can be a catalyst in helping other drugs get into the brain. That’s what I assumed was happening. But these two months have taught me that all that’s needed, in my case, is the caffeine. I guess if the neurons are already firing, this just adds to the effect of the cannabinoids.
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I’ve also learned that the cannabinoids have a major impact on my self-discipline. I read Charles Baudelaire’s On Wine and Hashish a while ago. Baudelaire compares the effects of wine and hashish and says that though they are very similar, there is a subtle but important difference: whereas wine lowers your inhibitions, hashish weakens your will. He had an agenda to try to promote alcohol and degrade cannabis, so he described the inhibiting effects of alcohol as “liberating”, as freeing the soul from its own inhibitions, whereas cannabis was more stultifying of the soul, taking away its will to do, well, pretty much anything that requires effort. I don’t care to celebrate alcohol or demonize pot, but I agree with Baudelaire’s take on these effects. As subtle as the difference between them is, he was bang on.
Marijuana or any other cannabinoid has the effect of weakening your self-discipline (Baudelaire puts it in terms of “will”). This is not to say that I fell of the temperance horse, but that I was dieting at the same time (hey, I’m all about self-deprivation! ). Unlike with my commitment to abstaining from alcohol, I’m not as staunch when it comes to dieting. I’ll allow myself a little snack every now and then, or to go over my daily goal by a couple hundred calories. But this makes all the difference in the world to my self-discipline. It essentially means I allow room for excuses. If I’ve already gone over my daily limit by a couple hundred calories, what’s a hundred more (I tell myself)? Or sometimes: fuck it! Just on this day, I’m gorging; I’ll eat extra lean tomorrow or go for an extra bike ride. ← All because I allow for some wiggle room in my discipline.
This time around, I got a good feel for how the cannabinoids can take advantage of this wiggle room. Whereas my determination not to drink can be put on auto-pilot so to speak (I can’t actually trick myself into thinking a drink or two is OK), my determination to limit my calorie intake requires constant and deliberate effort. This is where the “munchies”, as the druggie vernacular calls it, takes its toll. For me, the experience wasn’t that I’m more hungry than usual, but that I just couldn’t help myself. I just watched myself caving almost every time. My will, my self-discipline, was sabotages by the pot.
So a little lesson in self-discipline: don’t smoke pot. I also had the opportunity to learn a few more tricks about self-discipline, but those had nothing to do with the abstinence of alcohol (though I’m sure a lack of alcohol is certainly a helpful tip). They are: 1) remind yourself that you’re supposed to have cravings, or that it’s supposed to be uncomfortable. This is the whole reason so many people fail at their new years resolutions the first month in. They supposedly “know” that losing weight, or quitting smoking, or whatever, is going to be hard, but when they feel it, they suddenly get the idea that: this isn’t supposed to be so hard, therefore I’m justified in breaking my commitment. Reminding yourself that this is supposed to be hard makes the cravings or discomfort suddenly seem like “business as usual” and it becomes a bit easier to dismiss them. And just to give you an extra boost, 2) remind yourself of your goal. Say to yourself: don’t you want to lose weight? Don’t you want to look good? Live healthy? Reinforce that you’re doing this for a reason, that there’s a prize at the end of the road worth working towards, but you do have to put in the work in order to make it a reality.
BTW, started smoking again… but then quit again. This time, however, I think I can only do it for two or three month stretches.
So it looks like all I have left are three 2 month stints during which I allow myself only one category of drug: caffeine, alcohol, or cannibinoids.
My next stint will last from Jan. 1 to Feb. 28. The only question is, which category? I’d like to hear from ILP members on this question.
Alcohol and mary jane are downers, so try caffeine, the upper, by its lonesome in (80% cocoa content or higher)small chocolate pieces. No caffeine drinks.