If you are like me, you are busy. right now, I am doing laundry while I write all the while
thinking about what is for breakfast. In a bit, I have stuff to do that will take some time.
Like doing the dishes, cleaning out the cat water dish, cleaning kitty litter, then later on
I have to go to work for a few hours. I am kept busy, but do I ever actually stop what I am doing
and just think. What is the point of all this? Suddenly that abyss that lies hidden beneath our
feet becomes visible. do I have the courage to stare into that which frightens all people. is this it?
I am 56 years old. is this it? doing mindless chores while waiting for…
I have roughly 20 years to live (according to latest stats.) Are those 20 years just more of the same?
Even at this age, I have a marked reluctance to leave the house. I just want to stay home and
tend to my stuff. I really only leave the house when I have to. I am not complaining about the day to
day shit, but the long and winding road until death. IS this it? I have done all the things of youth
that seemed fun at the time but now…? What I am doing is finding meaning all the while looking into
the abyss. That emptiness that exposes our lives for the lie it is. Kierkegaard would suggest to take a leap
of faith into that abyss. However I lack the faith because I am a man of reason and we don’t take leaps of
faith. is this some sort of crisis of faith or of middle age? Not at all! just an understanding of the
shaky ground we build our lives upon. We build elaborate lies that suggest our lives, our social order
is built upon firm and solid ground all the while ignoring that which lies beneath our feet. Once I saw
a t-shirt that said “if you are on thin ice, you might as well be dancing” At my age, the only dancing I do,
is to avoid stepping on the cats and it ain’t pretty. And after all this, what conclusions have I reached?
I am a terrible dancer… and not much else, but that is the nature of reflections on the abyss.
(good title for a book, I hereby claim that title for my next book) so now the rest of the day is full of cleaning
and making the world safe for kitty cats in my household. And I am still left with the question, is this it?
Kropotkin