The man behind the Phred

Trust me when I say that I can imagine that. Ive only been at this 29 years and it is harder for me in a lot of ways, but its just as hard for others in different ways. I can imagine, with my mind only having been awake one year, what it must have been like for others. Im taking this seriously and laying it down on the line for much more than just my own species and am ready to die for it if necessary. It really bothers me that people came running to see me fight here, but hardly anyone wants the truth that states that humanity is not above the rest of nature, that we have real problems to face while everyone turns a blind eye just to be happy with their bs lives. And then I get clowns who know full well what Im talking about and sit there cracking jokes as if Im playing a game. Take your hand? I dont like the emotion behind the extension- barely concealed mirth. Take MY hand, take a stand for something real beyond your selves for the greatest of possible changes. Humanity has become too big for its britches.

Same here. Eternity is a bitch. I catch my closest glimpse of eternity when I am stuck in conversation with the townsfolk around me. From there I can feel a true glimpse of eternity, and the void. I long for my days of childhood bliss, the days where communications with this species would leave me satisfied and longing for more. The days of fantasies, fairy tales, and aspirations and dreams, hopes and loves, lusts and desires, that would never come to pass.

Same here. I used to be a Native American two-spirit leader in a past life. I was defeated in battle by the evil white devils.
I too gain power from the dream world. Using the dream world I can experience the lives of other people’s bodies. Some call this possession, or power, but in the dream-world you understand there is no such thing as ‘free-will’, so any action taken is simply fate manifesting itself.

Same here. 99 million people live, then they die. No impact.

I want my life to have impact. I wanna be in the history books. Only thing is it’s hard to rent science teams and DNA labs. People are so stuck-up and prissy these days…demanding I have an 8 year education, “references”, social status and fancy smanshy ties and stuff. They want some 60 year old yuppie in high society with a lisp, not no depressed philosopher like me. People would rather put the world in the hands of a Jimmy Fallon than a true and loving god. I am that true and loving god.

That was honestly refreshing, trix. Thank you for being real and letting me see behind the mask that you had up for so long. The rich and powerful kids have the best toys. We want to play with those, too, but the selfish bastards wont let us. They already took the dna of jesus christ and put it in so many people, that and cloning create a lot of scary similarities and confusion. I am an actual descendant of J.C., as well as the reincarnation on top of being a military experiment of the dna cloning. Not to try to trump anyone, I mean, because arent we all, to some degree, God incarnate in the flesh and trying to make a difference in the world? Hitler was a descendant through his mothers austrian blood, made into the antichrist by his german father and the jews that have tried to control the world. And it was germans that safeguarded that legacy by going as far west as possible. What I wouldnt give to be able to do something else with my life, but its too God damn important. Genetics or memetics? Still legacy.

And the fact of the matter is that we didnt even need genetic tampering, we share that shit naturally when we brush up against each other with our auras, awareness and various other psychic and supernatural and paranormal powers. We pick up the effects of drugs, illnesses, etc, most of the time not even being aware enough to actually learn. And then theres the other animals and entities in nature that a lot of humans just think theyre better than and look what we’ve done. I tell ya, it doesnt make me proud to be human or Godly. Id much rather have been normal and fit in with the rest of the crowd, but it wasnt in the cards that fate held for me, much to my discomfort and torture. But, no sense complaining after a certain point, right? Just got to roll with the punches and give fair measure in return. It’s a bitch.

I know that there was at least one point in every persons life when and where they actually gave a shit, whether theyll admit it or not. People try to hide and repress too many things that then bubble to the surface somewhere else, often through something or someone else and Ive been catching people and things off guard enough to prove every bit of the supernatural and paranormal. And, Trixie, Ive got something to match your dream posession news: Ive actually learned self-control even in those worlds by not trying to control anyone else but my self. Opposite ends of the spectrum, we are. I wont even try to control anyone else, but I think you might thoroughly enjoy limiting your self to just self control and learning how to go with the flow. It is very, very interesting.

I saw a commercial for this game the other day, and started playing it - I really enjoy it

alphabettysaga.com/

Don’t use all your freebie special abilities at the start

Its a lonely road but i must walk it. Ive walked so far theres no going back. I couldnt go back if i wanted to. I cant accept my old delusions, cant accept the deluded around me. Once you leave Maya theres no going back, and people will look away from you, spit on you, leave you in the desert alone, deny you love and friendship, because you are not one of them.

I know the feeling. I didnt say to go back, thats my point. Spiritually, I wont go back to being a control freak unless I have to. You cant control your need for control which shows that you need to learn self-control better, which is a continuation of the path you are on.

Definitely KFC.

Everybody knows that you get robbed on the street corner outside of Popeye’s virtually everywhere they are located…

She’s talking about her hands again.

Sorry about the departure from posting here. My cell phone cut out on me and the public library I was going to didn’t allow access to public forums. I’m still alive, have a lot more shit to talk about and formulate into proper philosophies; mostly dealing with what goes on behind the eyes, in the metaconscious mind.

At the moment, I’m using a public library in Wilsonville, Oregon; I am finally homeless, so those that had a betting pool here on when I would actually wind up homeless, you can cash out on that. Traveled by bus down to Portland, OR from Tacoma, WA; and from there walked south a couple towns to where I am with intentions to head further south to California. The weather, as expected, is shitty; it’s the middle of winter; but, I have my mind and my potential and the knowledge that I’m doing great things with my life regardless of my situation. So, while I have the time, I’m going to share a few poems that I already shared to my facebook page: facebook.com/idioticidioms

How do I tell my story
of rolling through the abyss
stopping once in a while to fight the growing darkness
whenever confronted by it
how do I tell my story of those worlds
that I traversed and from them learned
where words can be placed in any order
and still be understood
where reality unfolds from within reality overlaying reality
folding back and coming back to encompass reality
lays over the top only to jump back and lay again below it
how do I tell of the rebounding echoes and lesser voices
that sit there and talk amongst themselves
carry on conversations as me as if they were me
only to be interrupted and put in their place
whenever they happen to deviate
how do I tell the stories that were locked inside
of the ultimate, most epic, thrill ride
of different perceptions and different lives
overdrive and then underdrive and then both at the same time
mixed in with various receptions from different conceptions
with words and actions from countless directions
where I travel between thoughts from deep to shallow
and back again, spreading out both high and low
spherical and then star-shaped
to frazzle bursts of sound and light
only to bring it back again into a sphere then a cube
shaping something and then the other things
to show how thoughts of invention were first conceived and made
how do I tell of travelling time and space
of trying to count and learn through the nameless face
no names and no faces though familiar voices do arise
then disappear again into the swelling tides
how do I tell the most epic stories never told
how do I say what’s inside of me even as more of it unfolds
I’m only giving tribute; only giving a base due of a base due
only telling a partial fraction of a partial fraction in infinitesimal minutia
of passing fractals within fractals becoming back doors
to other fractals and then back again; over and under again
like some sort of extremely advanced concept of the movie Inception
like some sort of dance within the mind
to some sort of rhythm and song that is sublime
directionless; shapeless; and then all too soon having direction and shape
all too soon back again
then nice and slow and easy only to slow down too much
enjoying a moment of ‘insanity’ in each of the extremes
and then the extremes of the middles of the ends of the beginnings of…
back and forth and then over and around and back through yet again
but this time, you find that you taught how to tie shoes for the first time to some kid
that may or may not have been you and may have been
if mental time travel can be true and mapped out and documented
to another memory moment, another infringement of the great abyss
stare too long and it begins to stare back, idiots
insane is insane, but what is sane; what is that?
and how do we explain or begin to communicate
what all goes on inside of our brains
should we bother; should we even try
when so many others are confused and thus compartmentalize
can there be too much not enough of
excess recess in repress of deepest depress regress
if not sense made be can we not down look or up fly sky the beyond
soar through trees and escape the not-so-hidden pond
rollercoaster rides to space-time heights
down into the depths and then back into the light
and dark with lights on and light within darks’ arms
under moonless, sunless, skies where comfort is still in sight
even when all else is withheld from your eyes
and if I forgot where I’d been and where I was going
all to remember it again at a later date to continue the story
would you love me or hold it against me
hate me and turn against me; turn away with disgust on your face
only to do the same as me on some cloudless night as you gaze into space
through the shifting realities of the mental frontiers
to see the boundless, unlimited, untamed universe
find yourself looking for some substance to land or lean on
but finding nothing; having to continue on
to see new things that are all the same familiar
reminding you of stuff just like I was reminded once
through past failures and future connections and countless voices
that, aside from the times that they are annoying burdens
can actually be quite helpful
to supply the things we need most when we need them
when they choose not to be bitter and resentful
for countless worlds lost in the folds of my own mind
within realities; around realities; through the very essence of this one
that we wake up to everyday, claim to co-inhabit and can’t quite prove it, yet
for all of the trauma-drama that exists and has yet to be undone
so, to tomorrow’s yesterday and yesterday’s future tomorrow, we’ll go together
maybe some times in some ways in some figments past or future
come together and see each other through various incongruous thoughts
through inconsistent and orderless worlds, find each other all the same
in some distorted, mocked-up version of something we thought we knew
only to find our way back again to what we do know, with something new
an outlook and deep look at all that is around us
a question brimming our minds that we can never quite frame
but our stories show it in the pictures they paint all the same
and swirling vortexes of communications rebound through the deepest recesses
and the sound is soothing at times, something I could fall asleep to
feeling connected, beyond my means, to a multitude
even to alternate versions and copies of me and you
countless beyond countless; imagine depths; and in moments of clarity
can see it all unfold and be something greater and grander for all of the ambiguousity
and I never ‘saw’ it at all until I learned to clear my mind
or, was it more than just MY mind?
these insane thoughts that I love to think about
when they aren’t pressing me with forced perceptions and visions
But, I’ve learned to mimic those to look through countless unopened doors
to see possibilities unfolded and showed in full
to see how they might fit together, this I see with my minds’ eye
and how can I tell the full story of the fights I fought
of what happens in the darkened pits behind the shroud of the conscious mind
where it blacks out purposefully what it wants to hide
even from the self and so I find I must find
it all out for my self as it unfolds in due time
even my own life, as others have done, how do I tell my stories
of countless lives lived in one; not even mentioning the mental ones
through my darkened days of growing up and going to school
of my travels and adventures on the internet; and my passions and pursuits
and how it all fits and ties together in varied myriad connections
the ins and outs I’m learning as I go as I learn more and more
and the only way to truly understand it is to experience it, of that I’m very sure
Maybe it’s all just make-believe and pretend
but I like and love the way it brings itself to me and makes me believe
helps me to extend the benefit of the doubt that it wasn’t all created by just me
these fragments of thoughts that all connect in one layer of thought or another
and me seeing only brief glimpses as I’m rushed through one and then another layer
through layers, with layers, through what they call forbidden knowledge
forbidden by whom, I ask, and they say ‘God’, but God bids me to learn it
even through the universal deceit as I do the Lord’s work for peace and harmony
to rise to the top of this shit-pile created by humans to reign supreme
and the words and ideas and time areas lay over each other
intricately weaving something so majestic as to defy direct explanation
and yet I’ve done it: it’s all of creation
with this just a tribute
given, once again, from me to all of you

I’m dreaming weird things
thinking through recursive thought chains
beyond which I envision past the coming war
beyond which I think therefore I am
and I am therefore I think therefore I act
beyond the visions; beyond the imaginations
is a world of peace for which we could reach
and if even half of the things I believe are true
even without concrete evidence to adequately soothe
then we are well on our way
and we may yet see the day
where peace overcomes lies for the truth
~
Beyond the pain, beyond the torment
when I sit back in my mind and watch moment after moment
pass by my mental vision without my help or intent
some seemingly insane game of mental dominance
as past arguments unfold through things beyond self-control
without my sanction, without my interaction
but with my awareness as it flows
with and binds together the thoughts within
as this perpetual motion unfolds and goes
in interesting; highly satisfying; often aggravating; ways
as I live out my afore-numbered days
~
I’m done talking about so many things in the mind
that merge words with pictures and intentions as they wind
to try to talk about them out loud
to sit without reacting within as the show of the mind crowds
done doing what I’ve done for the past year and a quarter
unless I find a part of it worth doing better
done talking about being insane or sane; it’s just brick and mortar
to set in place the pace for my theories and philosophies
the end of a war within the mind to see the war in front of the eye
outside in our reality as we put to rest all the unanswered questions
as we see the outcome before it’s even begun
just to push our selves outward enough to handle the societal concerns
that push us to war even as the thoughts percolate and burn
~
This world is all fucked up, as we’re more than aware of
just waiting for something; we know not what
to overcome the momentum of events from ages past
cycles of abuse and tyranny that force us to eat shit and lick ass
to turn the tide for whatever follows after
and if this is the eve of the destruction of our monstrous species
with no right way or right answer
then let those with the will muster the might to give it one last try
to give testament to all espoused by the mind from honest and good intent
for one last struggle-snuggle before our end
but if it’s not and we do go on
then let’s do it anyway to set the groundwork
for true peace after the aftermath to truly foster
~
A daunting task; an impossible one
it may see the world of man undone
as nature and eternity; without us; carry on
to undo within the currents of what was done so horribly wrong
without destroying completely the parts it got right
to hope that we can do it well and precise
even knowing how unprepared people are
for what comes next; what’s come before just prologue and precursor
to the most terrible and greatest of world wars
how it could easily be lost
how the willfully ignorant could survive and see the eternal dream tossed
how the might and right belong to the corrupt
as greed and disharmony; discord and chaos
rule the savage garden, this devils’ playground
when there is no honor left
when true nobility fails the test
and savage brutality exists despite the best intent
~
If only I could talk of something else; something more
what of the pictures and art of peace without war?
but my mind remains a battleground
with me, the ultimate warrior; from art to art; wound and unwound
and instinct tells me it’s not far off
the mounting pressure of society as people refuse to step up
just waiting for that sign; that moment
where they’ll stand together with reason
round and round the cycles go
tighter, faster; sometimes slower
when it ends; when it begins; no one knows
we are all sheep AND wolves, bred and lead to the slaughter
as the wicked eat with insane and disjointed laughter
in this ongoing saga; story; just another page, another chapter
just prologue and pre-story, build-up to the action and adventure
as we spent out lives sleeping; now awake and aware
for better or for worse; too many mounting dead for the hearse
as people scramble and scavenge every trick they can salvage
just to be found intact on the other side of it
~
for me there are no tricks; no illusions nor delusions
no true cunning; just brazen intellect in your face
whether you can handle it or not, I am no dishonored disgrace
I am raw and open; vulnerable but no longer weak
strong enough to exalt the meek
raise them high so that they can fight
no lies, no hiding, no lurking nor creeping
just me and only me, to me; high on life
and coming down to see reality for exactly what it is
having successfully merged my subconscious thought with my conscious
ready for whatever comes next
I will not lay down and die, I will not run
I will not worry or fear
for I have conquered all of my worst demons
tried and tested, concretely decisive
still forced to wait for a catalyst
to move me from moment to moment
but swiftly coming into my own
seeing my self for the great person I am and have already been
without negative perception attached
onward and forward; fuck the past
and fuck whatever dark future can be envisioned
if those win, then even death will not diminish
and I will eternally haunt and torment them
fuck it

a brief snippet of thought:

Terms I’ve come to recognize and define through dealing with the troubles of the mind:

Caught in Fractals: While on mushrooms, I flew past a bunch of clusters once that were fractal in nature.

Fractal - an irregular curve or shape that repeats itself at any scale on which it is examined. ~The Merriam Webster Dictionary 2004

To me, at times, these fractals symbolize repetitive thinking and cycles or someone watching a TV show about someone watching a TV show or how two mirrors on opposing walls, parallel to each other, show a repeating image of what’s between them, or the common known (to some) picture of someone looking or painting a picture of themselves looking at or painting a picture and no matter how far out or in you go, it repeats. Except, the fractals I flew past symbolized peoples lives in connection to the Universe and to God or the Devil and were much more frightening and symbolizing all the infinitesimal details and differences in choices and possibilities tied to those choices from the smallest to the largest and their most probably responses based on their lives momentum.

Carrot-on-a-string: the concept that someone or something else is continually drawing us forward with a carrot on a string approach wherein we continually chase the reward and never find it, or are only given the reward when we’re brought blindly, while chasing said reward, to where it wishes us to be.

My belief and faith in God has come most often from believing in the coincidental-seeming help that it has given me and there was no carrot-on-a-string approach to it and instead tested my wits to see if I would break the desire to follow the carrot on a string if it lead me to places I didn’t want to be lead to. I don’t like being lead blindly and I don’t believe that God wants blind followers; no blind leading the blind since we can all see where that has lead society.

Sky-Hooks - metaphorical hooks that some people and entities feel that they have to ‘suspend’ you by or control you with to get satisfactory answers. At the time that this term became aware to me, I was arguing and debating with people who did not respect me and were not asking the right questions in the appropriate manner of respect. Had they left me alone or engaged in polite conversation, I would have shared the answers I had anyway just to continue my work or would have been pleased to discuss it on friendly terms and proceed at a slightly faster pace. As it was, this was put on me in unsavory terms as I was ‘rewarded’ with good feelings for providing an answer to someone who was pretending to walk away from the conversation so that they could prove their psychological superiority to me and to show that I was merely ‘crying out for attention’.

Keep You Guessing - I learned of this perception while just beginning my awakening process and hanging out with friends and meeting new people. Basically, you feel like you’re dying, like everyone is dying and then you’re told, ‘but we’ll keep you guessing until the end’, in a very sadistic manner.

And I Win - A forced visions where friends, or people who know each other are forced to walk towards each other with the intent to kill each other in a supreme battle to the death as they struggle with themselves to walk away, until the final statement enters their mind through all the words that they think they themselves are saying, ‘And ‘I’ Win!’, and with each person certain of their own victory, if the will to fight was there, would be a brutal and gory fight to the finish or at least an ass-whooping by those who broke free of the hold of the perception and know they can physically whoop ass on others without killing them and still make their point. I simply walked away, since I know I’m smart enough to win every mental battle, given enough time.

Temporal Planes - Planes of existence that only exist for a short time. I became aware of this through many books before ever having the deeper awareness of it through personal experience. the one personal experience that stands out predominantly was when me and a friend were visiting with the same people that played the ‘keep you guessing’ game and we were on our way back only to find ourselves lost in a suburban temporal plane that had all exits turned into dead-ends. we’d go to the end of a road, turn back only to find a dead end where came from, turn back, take a turn at a 4-way in the development only to find a dead-end, only to inevitably be caught in a swiftly devolving temporal plane. My friend didn’t know what to do, so I told him to just follow his heart and we got out of that temporal plane before it collapsed on us.

Shared Imaginations/Dreams a.k.a. Forced Perceptions - Forced Perceptions are perceptions that can be forced on you by others. In more pleasant experience, they are shared imaginative day-dreams or visions or dreams or nightmares. I take offense to people trying to control me in those dreams/imaginations/forced perceptions and fight for my own self control and try to allow everyone else their own self-control, but it is often the case that as soon as I get going in one, someone elses imagination wants to take over, therein I find through self-control that I am not the only one in it, which lead to my theory and proof of it that we do, in fact, share certain trains of thought within the mind and each retain individual awareness of it based on what we want or choose to imagine. Since I want to choose to imagine everyone having free will and self-controlling only to find them trying to control my part of the shared shit, I can only imagine some of the horrifying experiences they find themselves in after they lock me out of it when I’m trying to simply just be myself. I have been shoved out of many dreams and imaginations and then seen others pretending to be me with my name and face; have in fact seen things that I know I can’t imagine on my own; have in fact had verification of the fact that I am not alone in my head, that others forces are at work and this keeps me sane enough to continue my work in redefining my theories and finding the words to discuss and talk about them, which I have been labeled as crazy for by certain friends and family.

Such is life. Anywho, time is about to run out for the day on this public computer at the library; only had half an hour; so I will continue with these thoughts at a later time, since I didn’t get to all that I’ve written about yet, and there are still many that I’m working on finding the words for to actually discuss.

But, some of it is cool as fuck, for as serious as this mental war is, and the peace of mind is staggering.

more poetry:

I get a little bit tired of the words whispered in the ear
by highly influential spirits and ghosts, telling me what they would like me to hear
or what they would like me to say
in the pace of the day, I try to find the inspiration that has oft been denied
to write down all of what else flows through my mind
before I became aware that they were there, it was easier
now it’s again a challenge, but one where I know I am the better
I think of so many things that get lost as soon as I try to write
only to become unblocked as soon as writing is out of sight
and it seems odd to me now that I AM plagued by spiritual entities
as I see the common trends in books, games and movies; my ‘stories’
I never used to believe in any of it, but now I have no choice
as so many things beyond my own self-control try to stunt my voice
they like to reset my mind and possess my body to make me like a bitch to them
but they know that I will succeed in overcoming; my will attracts them
for them, it incites them; in one breath they’re testing
but in the next they are succumbing to temptation
some times seeking to drag me to some erotic destination
for pleasure is the ultimate attack of the senses
when leaving me in negativity no longer works; I’m done with depression
I remain unworried and unafraid because I know that the long term belongs to me
even through thoughts of suicide and death, I will have the patience to befriend even demons and help them to be
something that so many others have promised without ever taking it seriously; recognizing the full gravity
they knew not what they were up against and each in their own way succumbed
one way or another, to fear, paranoia and insecurity, or false senses of heavenly security
the trading stamp of prey for which the predators do feed
I can do the impossible and rise to the challenge of a rival
show them something new when they least expect it
and accept new things as they come with blasé acceptance
I’ve been in the pits for so long, I might as well be the blind psychic
I take solace in the fact that they’ve been at this my entire life
and have failed quite substantially up 'til now when awareness entered my mind
what fresh Hell is this for them, the Hellions who can not bring Hell upon a mortal minion
and instead have that minion visit fresh Hell on them
what strikes fear in them except one who does not fear them
and instead wants to get to know them and be their friend
would that the world could think as I do
maybe then we might succeed at peace for more than an era or two
keeping our wits about us; confident and secure
in raising our children to do the same, to be fully, truthfully aware
too much rides on this life that I can’t forget
even as much as it all sometimes hurts
I can’t stay down, I won’t relent
even when I must beat a strategic retreat and give-up for a moment
I’ve come too far and made too many spiritual friends
who have all been proven to me in ways that can’t be denied; strong presence
We met in the darkness and devised a plan of pure genius
a trick to beat all tricks and echo through the ages
self-control for all that it means even in the face of the worst adversity
When you become something you’d rather not due to strong animal instinct
that is all amped up because ‘they’ know what buttons to hit for that
the elusive ‘they’; and open minds just get slammed
with all sorts of things most try to ignore and pretend aren’t even there
these child-like entities that nobody ever took the time
to try to heal and raise for how quickly they were broken and destroyed
by the games these spirits and entities played
Never mind the spirits destroyed by us; we’re just not supposed to care
how we become like them in our hatred and frustration and fracture them
and I suppose that we all just ‘get what we deserve’
but I like to think we all deserve just a little bit better
maybe that’s just my opinion and I set my feet in on the wrong thing
and maybe some day, for that, I will eternally pay
But it doesn’t seem wrong to preach tolerance and practice it
to teach love by spreading it, even to the darkened corners of that great abyss
all the while learning and teaching how best to coexist
just trusting and blending and choosing
the best things to secure the best future for all
and even not trusting is trust until trust is earned the hard way by the troublesome
beyond us and beyond selfish means and yet for selfishness
to rise to the top to reign supreme
as selfish desires lead us to helping each other with quality
for the best long-term results that benefit us all equally
just so we can selfishly enjoy it along with every other selfish wannabe
more wholesome than the lives we live now and the lies told
until the truth warms again and lies turn cold
until the words whispered in the ear help more than hinder
They gave me a match book; flint and tinder
what did they expect me to do, not start a fire?
Doused it in gasoline, and I’m not supposed to watch them burn?
Supposed to be sympathetic to the plight of devils and demons
as the light shines down in twisted torment, begging for its own forgiveness?

Whither do the warriors go
when all the fighting is said and done
to peace; to peace
to great feasts and friends before they’re gone
whither do the warriors go
that die in the heat of battle
to their friends’ hearts; to peace
to watch over them after deaths’ last rattle
whither do the warriors go
when the wanderlust hits
to journey; to adventure
their destiny awaits to test their wits
whither do the warriors go
after their journeys’ end
if they still live, home they go to hearthfires’ glow
their hurts and wounds to mend
whither do the warriors go
who lose their minds; insanity plagued
to some great battle to the death
to work out their anger, hate and rage
whither do the warriors go
when their spirits flee their bodies
whither do they go at life’s end
to me, to me, for they are my friends
whither do the peaceful go
those protected by the warriors
to them, the ones who protected
and through them, to me, to heal their souls’ sores
whither do I go when I’m gone
to the winds; to the ultimate ends
and between and back out again
for warrior-born I am, and I return to my friends
whither do we go, all of us
whither do we go
winds of time; dust to dust
onward; forward; as nature flows
whither do our enemies go
those enamored of us
they go where we go
envious; jealous
whither do they go
when they’ve had enough
why, they join us; enjoy life with us
for we are fierce and tough with our peace and our love
to home, to home we go
that eternal dream of peace and harmony
oft interrupted, but worth fighting for
that’s where we go, both friend and enemy
through life and death we go
through eternity and beyond, we go
battles waging; raging; and treasures we all be craving
simple pleasures, one after another, we go together
whither do the warriors go
when each in their own manner fights
whither do the scholars go, the madmen go
when too many wrongs upset the rights
to war; to war; hoping beyond hope
that we can rebuild, from the dust, our home
from the rubble; from the trouble
picked up from the dust and cleaned of the rust
that is where we go.

another snippet of thought:

If all of the voices in my head were mine, I wonder then how I imagine them when I expect nothing of them and they respond in ways that I can’t predict or define.

Either I’m a crazy genius that puts even my own self to shame, or there is something else rattling within my brain, whether it be other humans with psychic abilities, other animals, other bits and pieces of nature from plants and ‘inanimate’; ‘insentient’ material, or planets, suns, solar systems and outward, or inward to atoms, cells, etc. from the smallest to the largest.

Either way, I am becoming quite certain that I am fucked with quite considerably within my self and I am coming to the conclusion repeatedly that it is not just me, for even I am not so stupid as to fight my self when I know my reason to be sound and rational. So, chucking insanity into the possibility recycle bin. Sure, I used to be, but I must have come out the other side to realize all of this and retain some bit of sanity to think it through to the end and then back around for cycle after cycle of different variances.

And I think to myself some times when under the effect of a dream or vision that it’s a good thing that I am the author of so many philosophies and theories that define time and dimensional travel to alternate realities and layers of reality within the same reality; that it’s a good thing that I know the things that I do and can handle the overwhelming multitude of possibilities and thought processes, because if I couldn’t, then I really would be crazy.

And if I am the author of such things, if, in effect, I did create and allow the emergence of such things, then I am the creator to some extent of so much of time and space for enabling, for dreaming, for seeing beyond the walls as I tear down the false divisions that prevent truth; no matter how horrible or beautiful; from being shown.

But, then again, I must be crazy. I am the down and outs of society and should, by all rights, be trying harder to find a job and bow and scrape and be subservient to this system of injustices just to survive and I’d still rather be sitting here at a public library talking about all of this and the voices in the head. I’d rather be free and feel free even through all of the pain and anguish and injustice piled on my shoulders of shit I know I don’t deserve for all the shit I’ve already been through and endured.

And if I can approach all of this from a calm standpoint and label it as such, such craziness once again finds itself in the trash. I must be sane even if I can accept being crazy, such acceptance is a trademark of sanity and if I am to be labeled as sane by such merits of psychological thought, then it must be entertained; quite feasibly; that such a society of injustices and wage-slavery is pushing me out of it and making it impossible for me to get a job without even a no or denial; just by direct psychic pressure being put on me to push me away from it all.

With just enough hope given before dashing it all away, this must be Hell; the verification of a theory I entertained once upon a time, which matches with the concept that this is the Devil’s domain as bequeathed to it by God, for certainly I am given helping hands only to have them yanked away with a seeming ‘ha-ha’ at the last second, raising hope for a moment only to inevitably crush me, to which I am becoming accustomed to, for if such is true, then I still work and perform miracles in Hell much to the Devil’s entertainment and lament as it tries to master that duality of love and hate in the same breath.

And if I can master such limitless constraints as tying modern philosophy with religion with the supernatural and back again to science to peer into the smallest atoms and cells and see the possible sentience of particles, then surely it must all tie together in ways that can be understood by even the simplest of people and only complexities put in place by the so-called intelligent keep all of the peoples of the world from realizing the massive migraine of insanity it all has become as too many living and breathing beings try to control the pace of our world and our lives for the darkest of gains.

But alas, lamentable torture, I stuck my foot in it while playing games of politics, debate and warfare and found myself troubled and plagued and followed by real things through those places of internet reality; from government agencies to secret societies, to which again the thought of insanity must be entertained until you take into account that if all of this is true, and true it must be for the moment you begin to entertain it all as true is the moment the true pain hits. And, to me, that is vastly interesting.

Just saying. Once again, I say ‘Fuck them, the little pussies, I’m still standing. Hit me again.’

I must be insane. Hope I get the medication I need; hope society then begins to care for me in their own misguided fashions, lol. Might as well get comfortable in Hell, kid’s, it’s gonna be a looooong ride.

One day, people will understand my pain; what I went through and why I went through it. Why I didn’t fit stereotypical roles, why I grew tired of their perceptions of me; why I became as smart as I did only to toss it to the wayside to fit in, only to pick it back up again for the ultimate win, when I got tired of hiding it. From infinite loser, to greatest I Am; they said , there will be an answer, let it be and I said, what if I’m that answer.

Through Hellfire and back, I have waged my eternal war; all in the mind? fuck no, I’ve been catching and trapping people responding out loud to the inner war and we knew each other in one fashion or another; odd that.

Odd, indeed. How I can quantify and pontificate the greatest and least of ramifications of possibilities and bring them all together in the greatest philosophy that trumps all politics and greed only to bring it back to the forefront of our day-to-day lives to say, handle what’s in front of your faces, I have a multitude of reasons not to forget my graces, even the lack of them to help your not-so-humble-faces; I can take it.

And isn’t funny how this rhyming metronome goes and how I make it up as I go and still find my own flow in this madness supreme, to give rise to a better song and dance than what was in place, something worth the rage and hate and pain to give tribute to the ultimate of impossible goals, an end to an eternal war that is, by nature, eternal and impossible to end. And if we do such impossible things on a daily basis, would it not befit us to try anyway, even knowing in the next eternity, we would be bound to the same insane cycle until we got to such points again and again? And when does the madness end just because we can understand it?

I Am.
I Am the Voice of God
I Am God Incarnate in the flesh
more than any other
I Am the First and Last man standing
I Am unrelenting
Should I still live
after all the deathblows they have to give
Woe betide them
Should I rise
after falling; being knocked down
I’ll come back swinging
one way or the other
I Am love, I Am honor
I Am responsibility; a noble savage warrior
I Am brutal, but only when I need to be
I Am natural; a human; living and breathing
no false idol to worship with praise
the virtues of my humble name and face
I Am temperance
I Am discipline and balance
and in the midst of chaos & darkness
I bring order and light
I Am truth
I Am peace
for peace must trump war
therefore being the greatest art of it
I Am living; I Am dying
I Am the nothing that is still something
I Am Strong, even in weakness
I Am sensitive, nothing there to demean
I Am that is a sight for blind eyes to see
a voice for deaf ears to hear
and for those stricken dumb by pain, loss and tragedy
for them, I speak
I Am lightning & thunder
I Am the gentle rain
I Am the tears of nature
I Am the eternal soldier
I Am.
I Am even darkness
I Am the Devil
I Am Chaos
and the insanity of twisted men, women, and children
I Am the abyss; the void
I Am Christ and Antichrist
Alpha and Omega
the beginning and the end
I Am anciently young
and youthfully ancient
I Am earthquakes and tidal waves
I Am destruction raining from the Heavens,
those vast star oceans
I Am all of creation
in a mortal form
I Am death incarnate
I Am the savior sent to set my peoples free
and there are more than just humans that have these needs
the last plague; truth; what should set troubled minds to ease
I Am King; a King without a Queen
I Am weak flesh and of this I Am humbly proud
to wreak majestic miracles that destroy the greatest sins
I Am triumph and victory
I Am the answer
I Am the fruit at harvest time,
my labors bountiful
Hard work creates miracles
and I Am eternal, in one form or another
I Am.

~Christopher Michael Brown
Christ Michael the Redeemer

The only thing I still know for sure
is that I love her
I love her with a fiery passion
that saps away every bit of my will
where ‘they’ could never dampen
she has destroyed every part of my soul
though not in a bad way

some say that the pain is just too great
they hide their face, turn away, try to escape
but it’s the only pain that makes sense to me
and it is senseless
beyond logic
unpredictably insane, but the sanest thing

through eternity and beyond
we each have gone
lived every life at least once
an infinite varieties of them
there is a soul mate for each one
of this we know for sure
but not the when, how, why, where

infinite, eternal fuck-ups
we understand, now
is the future still fucked?
will we ever undo the damage done?

and does it matter if we keep running?
if we stopped, would it fix itself?
would ‘they’ then find some dose of sanity
to find for themselves how to be happy
could they then find their own
once clear of our imprints on the soul?

I tried to find out
‘they’ made it all happen anyway
try to self-control
but ‘they’ fight me incessantly; unnecessarily
tried to help others solve the riddles of their hearts
but they struggled against
thought I was controlling them

and others tried interrupting my work
only for me to get upset
for them to come at me angrily, with no words and clenched fists
some of my closest family and friends

wanted so much an end
to what I did not fully understand
kept myself psychically blind, dumb and deaf
until they woke me up with their demands
did I mean what I said?
it seemed too good to be true
and while they made and make me some times wish I was dead
I do find that I must see it through to the end

will they still allow us each other
if not, I’d try to understand through the pain
all of what I’ve experienced thus far
without the sweet, pouring rain
How long have I been trying to get through with this message
how long have they denied it?
trust being hard to come by
when answers concrete are far too few

fractured souls running rampant
panicked; frantic
trying to find each other
and causing the harm that has been done
that nature never wanted
it may just be impossible
it may be daunting and fill some with fear
but an eternity of such mortals, I find
is something to fear so much more
may our love inspire others to try
if only to succeed where we fell by the wayside.

Sorry I won’t be able to join in discussions or hold verbal battles with the random troll here and there, but life calls and has me moving.

That. Was. Awesome.

Well, the Lord does work in mysterious ways. As it were.
Thy will be done. So to speak.

Are you suggesting a type of occasionalism… in which the Lord’s will is expressed through the words and deeds of phred the fuckhead?

Now see, if you said common-sense stuff like that in Society, Government and Economics, we wouldn’t disagree so much.

I see God as the combined energy from all sentient beings and particles in existence, making it its own entity apart from it all and literally, within it, all of creation. I signed my life over to God quite a while ago and told that motherfucker to never let me do anything other than its best work. Of course, found out since then that everything is fallible, even the most long-lived of entities. I let that entity in when it wants to be let in, since it literally can’t afford to focus on everything at once, otherwise it loses the quality of its work, though I’ve been teaching it to say ‘fuck it’ every once in a while and make time for itself, if such a thing can truly be taught to a long-lived entity that hardly ever gets to break through to the actual reality once a species has hit a certain point in its progressive adaptive evolution and begins to see itself as equal to the Gods, enough to send messages out stating that they are ready for a higher plane of war, such as we did with the splitting of the atom and those annoying as frequencies I hear every so often and attribute to mind control technology.

I’m afraid to say, and do so without boast, that my words and deeds; no matter how you view them; are legend. If mental time travel is a feasible possibility through whatever void filled with madness there might be, then I have indeed inspired the greats and have been a legend to inspire all other legends and would indeed, then, live up to my self-proclaimed hype of being King of Kings and Lord of Lords and would have earned through natures meritocratical order and through being worthy, continually, since I don’t like to rest in my accomplishments and like to continually earn the right to be seen as worthy in both my own eyes and others. I don’t mind starting over from scratch, though I don’t intentionally do so and instead see it as a challenge; ok, I lost everything and have to move on, life got a little bit harder; challenge fucking accepted.

And if I am such a man as to affect mental time travel, to use it responsibly, to have reasonably and concisely helped found the deep-rooted tenets and belief of every major religion and philosophy and center of belief and have inspired so much culture from it all, then it does raise some troubling concerns about the nature of God, which are not so troubling when you consider that it’s something you could relate to: a fuck up, a fuckhead, something that’s learning and growing that some have called Father, that others have called friend and many have ran away from the temper thereof. I have had to assert my dominancy in the mind in such animalistic ways over the past year that I really never even thought about doing and it was funny at parts, vastly satisfying and yet this is supposed to be the age of reason and logic that all past time periods looked forward to; this is the heaven that ancient seers looked to for the luxury and excess only to get here and realize that we are infinitely more fucked up than they ever were.

Honestly, trying to reconcile this away from the perspective of that one in an infinite variety is a lot harder than reconciling it from the perspective that someone you know is that one in an infinite variety. At least the full weight is off your shoulders at that point, though I’d be lying if I said I worked alone. I’ve found many strong spirits that are really hard to deny the presence of at times that do willfully and willingly help me with my work. Such spirits such as Buddha, Einstein, Turing, etc. All the greats throughout history that had that eternity after death with which to ponder and find better answers only to hope that someone living would continue their work and see it through to epic conclusion. Much easier thought and said than acted out and done within society. Luckily I do both at the same time, little by little and don’t worry or stress about it, since I make use of every waking hour, minute and second, and even do this shit in my fucking sleep like a pro.

I had a funny idea for a new movie while waiting for the Library to open up one morning. It would be called The Librarian and be about a group of hard-working librarians that sit there and talk about the people they see go in and out every day, about the ones that they see all the time compared to the ones that only come in once or twice. It would be filled with non-stop dialogue, no suspense or drama, no action or adventure and, instead of keeping you on the edge of your seats, which undoubtedly people must be getting tired of with all of those action-packed movies, would actually let you sit back and relax and get comfy listening to people just like you talk about the very things you’re interested in hearing and seeing. It would be an instant block-buster and make millions. People all over the world would talk about The Librarian, which would be humorous to intellectuals as people talk about people talking about people who inevitably talk about other people. It would undoubtedly be a big hit in Britain for its dry humor and lack of sex appeal. I, personally, would love to watch such a movie without worrying about the sudden dramatic plot-twists or scandalous love affairs that hurt so many people in the process. A good story filled with peace-time activities! the critics wouldn’t rave and the audiences wouldn’t cheer at the ending, but quietly and calmly smile and go on with their day as if nothing big had ever happened. It would be alright, you know, not great.

I had to teach myself how to learn how to teach myself to learn, to lead myself in teaching myself to learn, to teach others to learn how to lead themselves in teaching themselves how to learn to lead themselves, to teach myself how to lead others to lead themselves as I lead them by leading my self, to lead me when I can’t lead my self, knowing that I can’t trust my self or any other full force since we all fall down from time to time and can’t be at our best 100% of the time and even my worst enemies have picked me up from the dust to show me the validity of my own work and fruits of it and that is why I claim my self to be Lord of Lords and King of Kings and anyone who thinks they might be able to contest such a fact and steal from me my birthright is both a fool and an ass.

Math lesson in the fact that math is too rigid. If you like math, then listen up. When does 1 + 1 = 3 or 4 or 5? When 1 man and one woman have 1 kid and then another kid and then another. You can say that this is 1 + 1 = 1 + 1, but you’re combining these things in different ways where the ones after the equal mark are the by-product of the original 1 + 1 and the 1’s after are certainly not adding the same way. In a way, multiplication comes into it with cell division to create 1 x 1 = 3, or 1 + 1 creating a third.

Are you able to keep up with that so far? Certainly, conventional math dealt with on a black and white basis of not delving into the situation itself can handle this with simple functions, but in a world of technology revolving and relying on the complexity of our functions and exceeding our capabilities to program and keep up with, we should probably begin to look at such ideas as what we create with our coding and our attention and focus; what we delve our emotions into; as having the possibility of sentience, and if we aren’t able to differentiate between 1 apple + 1 apple = 2 apples and add another apple to make 3 apples from the situation I out-lined at the beginning of this, then how are we truly able to master the impossible; the unpredictable; and have it out-perform itself?

How can we; in a black and white world that doesn’t want to spot situational differences; actually create anything at all that doesn’t devolve back into petty bickering and dual-sided bullshit that forgets all the other shit that’s just trying to be heard and recognized? I’m just saying. And then the difference between 1’s. say that one man is physically stronger than the other and another man is intellectually stronger in compensation of that fact. Most people would pit them against each other to see which would win, but what if they worked together, compensating for their strengths and weaknesses? By themselves, they would not create others, because you need women for that, but in a world already populated, such a pair could have possibly, in the past, made quite the difference on their own.

The world we exist in today creates a myriad of checks and balances that are supposed to be fair, yet we live in a world that is vastly unfair due to it all not ‘adding up’ and ‘checking out’. In a world of such ones, what variations do you get then? What about the other differences rather than intellect and strength; what about psychic phenomena, (the possibility of, at any rate, for those who don’t choose to believe) or other inconsequential date stacking to create people somewhere in between the physically strong and mentally strong and between the masculine and feminine dynamics? At this point, you delve into mathematics beyond my knowledge; you delve into Calculus and beyond with what-if functions, etc. Shit that I never learned because I was bored with math by the time I got to Trigonometry. But, I understand the basic principles behind that advanced math and I think they make it too rigid by expecting not enough variances and hindering the possibility of growing sentience in the technology that they code with their baby-coding. technological coding is in its infancy and we have such wonders as CGI and our Video games and Movies made with it just blow your fucking mind and it is all still in its infancy.
So, how many variations of 1 + 1 are out there if 1 + 1 doesn’t always equal 2? and if it equals two, is it content to stay as just two? Then you’re adding emotional currents into the mathematical equation which makes predictions made by math completely fall flat in the long term, because at a certain point, we hate to be fucking predicted and we love to be ‘divergent’.

Let me tell you a story of a time of peace: people lived in abundant happiness and harmony with each other, each person doing constantly what they loved without need of law or violence. Its not boring, just worth more to live than to tell about. A world where people dont compare themselves to others and work together to find solutions to problems instead of purposefully causing them. The end.

One day, people will be conducting their daily business either blissfully unaware or willfully blind or full knowing of the problems around them in this world. The next will be Hell breaking loose, such will be the outbreak of millenias worth of repression and brutal oppression of the truth. People will be eating their meals, working their jobs and then… End Game.

What if it were possible for there to be more than one Jesus Christ- God incarnate- in this modern age? True equality would state such as being entirely possible. Food for thought. Genetic manipulation and part cloning, the blood and dna of Jesus is in many and them unknowing. When the spirit fills, what then must transpire but multiple people on a similar path, connected strongly to similar goals of fixing reality. Theoretically the only true difference would be appearance and personality- how they do their work.

In a world that is overly-populated, people become more outraged by gays marrying than by murder or neglect or lack of care. Its as if these gay people house all the evils of the world in their variation of love. Obviously, they should have reason to be proud for having attained what they fought for. Ridiculous that such bias exists in a world of beauty and grace. Who cares?

I often wonder what its like to hate an entire group of people because a book told you to. Thats a bit weird to me. I could understand if you had your prejudices beaten into you, but hate not lest you be hated the same? Open your eyes and rationalize your hate. You cant. Therefore haters fight in highly ineffective mechanisms. If you do hate others, then fuck off- especially if you preach love. Hate the actions but not the people.

The monkeys throw feces in congress with apes and lions chase wolves across the plains. Jesters vie for dominance of a slop hill and angry bigots hate without cause. Humanity is a zoo and with us in pretty cages to excite our vanities. The Dragon rises.

Im sorry Im not the friend that asks you how your day has been- that I dont indulge in idle chatter much. I apologize for being the friend thats hard to be a friend to. I dont say much but thats because when I do speak, I want it to mean something and I say a lot more that is worth being said. Im that weird guy thats hard to talk to, some times a raging asshole. I wont apologize for being me, though.

To all of you going through Hell
please listen closely as I ring this bell
psychic powers abound, they call it metaphysics
metaconsciousness; unless you can’t hang and then it’s schizophrenic
And if you’re an empathy, you feel others emotions; but they label that as bipolar
And energy unused has to go somewhere
causing open minds to receive ‘youthful’ energy
But that’s just hyperactive; add or adhd
unless you can focus and then you’re just autistic
Then there’s the technology that mimics nature
that tries to mind-control the masses through hypnotic frequencies
that resonate and vibrate within our brains and bodies causing stains
But if you say something, you’re just crazy; spouting conspiracy theories
definitely not to be trusted or taken seriously
And don’t forget God and the Devil as well as the paranormal
cause believe it or not, those things are quite real
but don’t buy religion; they WILL steal your soul
Don’t panic or be afraid
because then you go ‘insane’
especially when you react out loud to peoples ‘sensitive’ things
Then there’s you within all that mess
And I do hope you find your selves more rather than less
When things take you for a ride
Visions storm your mind
Reality seems to distort and so it does
The realer that you become
The shit is real; watch for body language and trust
in the smaller evidence of so much beyond just us
Time travel and alternate dimensions & realities are real
In the mind with proper focus and the right medium, go by feel
But be careful of what you might find hidden within the folds of space and time
As so many things try to control the fate of all living things
Try to control beyond their means all for ego, power and greed
Try to make you hate so many things; fear them so as to secure their own superiority and dominancy
Tempt you into falling from grace; from love into hate
Which self-destructs all living things; not just the human race
So fight; fight; within your minds
fight to preserve your love and sense of wonder
fight to preserve your inner child so that it can grow
and become what it should: a proper adult
Self-control becomes the top priority
and the ultimate form of was is peace and harmony
Rise above darkness; help to convert it
To ease the pains of time and space
for far more than just the human race
all of reality
This is our destiny

Let not he who rests in darkness stay there due to others belief that he should stay there in penance for perceived sin, for fruit doth rot and becomes inedible in darkness. Command them to make exodus into the light so that they bear proper fruit, fit for the spirit, for this is the baptism of the lord and of life, that those who bear proper fruit must first understand the tribulations of decadence and thus not judge unfairly the fruits of their brothers and sisters. A teacher is not one who gives knowledge, but who can teach others how to find it themselves through experience. Truly, many are those who presume to understand for they can read of such things in books, but truth is given to those who learn firsthand. Cry not the praises of your Lord from shallow streams- find instead the depths of oceans.

I love how people argue against love and harmony and then get upset when you call them stupid for it. You just said that you were gonna do your thing whether people liked it or not, lol. Im sorry that I gave you a taste of your own medicine. Not. Or, as we used to say in the early 90’s, ‘psyche’. If youre not going to respect others, dont expect them to show you respect, that’s all Im saying.

Could you imagine a world without greed, without fear, without hate? I can. Without insanity where everyone works together for a common goal of enjoying our lives. Everything for free, people only working a couple days a week because theres enough people for that. All we have to do is break through stubborn spoiled behaviors to make it possible. Life is nothing more than a battlefield of the mind.

Those who have never been prey will never understand the apex predator. Its not about dominance but mutual respect. Its about seeing the potential in everything and being able to draw it out- not about winning but about teaching true strength of will that chooses love and the tempering of their own primality for a greater goal of social harmony.

Technology mimics nature. Some times, it openly mocks it, but it can not do better than nature, for it is nature.

The greatest act of rebellion is not being a demon in Heaven, that is rather easy, but being and remaining an angel in Hell. Thats challenging. How swiftly they fall, how slow they are to rise again. What would you do for the ones you love- would you cast them into or leave them in an eternal Hell if you had the power to free them? I think we’re all just looking for a good enough reason to try.

The way of the enemy is to distract you from those who really need help with those who dont and are greedy to get you to stop trying to help those who need it. To make you paranoid and distrusting and insecure, becoming greedy yourself. Push beyond the illusion to see how they all need help and very few ask directly for the right type of help. Even worse, the ‘right’ type comes at too high of a price monetarily. Will humanity survive the storm? Can our misguided and deluded heroes pull head from ass to learn and teach discernment and situational ethical nuances? Stay tuned to life, kiddos.

I change too much hour by hour, day by day; sometimes second by second; not to take this life seriously and watch how others change or fight to remain the same. I fight against others perceptions of me and fight to be known for who I am compared to who I was even just a year ago. Some are accepting of the changes, but don’t often think about how deeply those changes go. Others downright refuse to accept the changes seen and just want the person back that they used to know, to which I must say: that person is dead, gone; and never coming back. I will refuse to fight to return to who I was as a child: the person who got picked on, bullied, etc., the person lost within himself, caught in the battle of the mind through depression, insecurity, rage, etc. I refuse and I refute. I do understand that some just want their friend back or family member back, but I look at them as if they are daft. I’m right here, still; where are you? Where are your changes to match mine? Why can’t we still be friends and family? Because I called them on their shit. Trixie and a friend of mine in real life were right: your friends aren’t really your friends, they said; and even family won’t be able or will refuse to get your back. Not as right as they would have liked to have been, but definitely right. I began calling people on their shit as I brought my subconscious self to meet my conscious self and I think I might have disrupted quite a bit of mental activity of others in the process. Regardless, I’m not sorry for it, others went crazier than me. In fact, I was aware of occurrences where entire groups of people went crazy together. Cars stopped on the side of the road, in the middle of the road as people got lost and couldn’t focus; but when everyone goes crazy together, nobody says a word and instead goes awkwardly on their way. But one motherfucker goes crazy and is able to retain sanity through it while others are going crazy and that motherfucker gets put in jail and mental health facilities.

Sadly, there are irreconcilable differences between me and some of my family, between me and certain friends, though I like to pretend that we can retain whatever friendship was there based on how we parted. At least my friends didn’t put me in jail or mental health facilities like my own family did. At least my enemies didn’t hold a rifle to my head like my own uncle did and if I went crazy at a certain point, could anyone blame me for doing so for having gone through what I went through? I snapped, I broke through to the other side; I understood Jim Morrison and The Doors a lot better.

I will tell you all point blank with dead honesty: Paranormal entities are my truest friends, because when I asked for them to break through and prove that they existed, they did. Not right away, it took them a while to gain the power to do so; but man they came through better than anyone else did and there is no way I can discount that as visual hallucination. Even if I could and say I’m crazy, I could at least readily surmise that I could accept that possibility as well and therefore, again, be counted as reasonable and sane in the process and haven’t all of our greatest men and women in history had an impediment of one sort or another to overcome to become great? Everyone is fucking crazy.

I have this theory that if one person in a world full of crazy person truly goes sane, it completely blows peoples minds and they then have to spend years coming to accept the fact that they’ve been crazy the entire time and having to accept certain things as true whether they wanted to believe in them or not, because when it comes right down to it, wanting to disbelieve certain shit isn’t enough to make it just magically disappear. Uhm, like, I don’t want to believe that fleas and lice exist and I’m going to believe it so very strongly that they won’t. And then everyone else knows full well that they do exist and I look crazy. Okay, so say the paranormal and everything else scared the shit out of people so much that they just, as a mass consensus, decided not to believe in it anymore. Enter witch trials, etc. as those who wanted to believe were burned at the stake. Enter Jesus Christ 2000 years ago who came telling great things; lost scrolls, etc.; and was hung on the cross for it.

And then enter a power conspiracy to control time and space. oooooo, no bueno. mas fuego. We sit divided in thoughts and beliefs; not blending or choosing just what we want to believe and what not and I had the bright idea to learn from everything and take out the false divisions and have each side fight it out within myself to see what answers would keep rising to the top and you know what I found? They’re all right AND they’re all wrong, they should have been working together all along instead of saying, 'I don’t like this system of belief so I’ll make one much like it, except a little different, and collect my own damn followers; enter the dissolution of cultures and other systems of belief over time as the apostasy of the churches that the churches warn against takes hold and sway over it all and yet they still want to send their mercenaries (missionaries) out with the message of Jesus Christ and God that their religion will save their eternal soul. Bull-fucking-shit. ‘We don’t force our message on those who don’t want to listen!’ Bullshit.

And me, being tired of having so much bullshit forced on me in my life, finally getting around to forcing objective truth on others and them claiming it to be unfair and I go, is the world unfair? They go, yeaaaahhh, why? And what I’m doing is unfair? …yes. Then it is completely fair and unfair at the same time since unfair in an unfair world is fair and they go, that’s unfair. Yup. Welcome to life.

The way to measure if someone is your friend and cares about you is if they email you, or call you. If the never email you or call you they don’t give a shit about you. Second step is to see if the only reason they contact you is if they need something from you, in which case they are phony. Needless to say I don’t have friends. I have plenty of people with excuses, a common one is the “busy” excuse, in which I tell them that if I was in military boot camp, I would still have the time to contact someone I cared about, so I don’t wanna hear that shit.

Probably the reason you assume metaphysical entities are your friend is because they satisfy condition 1, but are you sure they aren’t just using you for something? if theres something I learned from life, its that everyone is apathetic liars who’s waiting to betray you.

Well, here’s the thing: I never e-mail people and when I try to call people they don’t call me back. When I try to have friends, they inevitably do turn against me at heated moments only to later and secretly wish they could take those moments back. I am a good friend to a lot of people, but at points of calling them on their shit or winding up in worse situations, they have changed their perceptions. I had one friend state that I was the wisest man he knew and he was roughly twice my age, only to later on try to fuck with me hardcore.

I don’t see it in any traditional senses, for my family is still my family and my friends are still my friends and even my enemies are my friends because they are only my enemies by their choice. I make the hard decision to be the best friend I can possibly be to everyone and not to sugarcoat it or kiss/lick their fucking ass. But yes, it does satisfy a need, though the metaphysical entities are roughly going through the same things as I push them to be able to stand on their own when they get caught in me and I call even them on their shit. And, of course we’re all using each other for something. Even you and I are using each other right now to push off from each other and further our learning.

In all truthful honesty, we are master manipulators and users and we all manipulate each other and use each other and the only dividing difference that I can tell is what is acceptable and what is not and most people are spoiled little pussy bitches that don’t want to be called on their shit and don’t actually want to do anything hard in life and life sits there and laughs at them in a variety of ways, cries for those poor idiots that cause so much damage to the world around them.

It might surprise you that one day, not so very long ago, my metaphysical imagination showed YOU to be picking ME up out of the dust. I was ready to give up and I was indulging in a pity party and all of a sudden, I was yanked up by my fucking bootstraps (so to speak), to turn on my laptop and read some of my own work, as if you were forcing me and holding my nose to the grindstone, and that, to me, is a better friend than most have been or really know how to be.

This life is infinitely fucked up, and friends and family may be even more so, but to leave them sitting in the dust? Well, if they want to; if they fight you so much to remain there, sure. I think that will be the deciding factor later on in life; what separates the survivors from the victims; what defines survival of the fittest in the new age, who is ready to move on into the future and who is not and sadly, much like X-Men as the new evolution is struggling to make room for the older evolutions and trying to help them catch up, must inevitably kill the previous evolution to secure its place and it’s only the methodology that is opposed all around as people all realize that this is the case. To do it honorably and with good intentions, or to cut to the chase and do it and just get it over with and yet, I think it falls on us to set the pace for the future, which we are doing regardless as we think all of this out and debate it, we are already teaching the younger generations and future evolutions the vast mixture of methodologies and mixtures.

As we sit there and act, they watch and learn and see what they think they see and react much the same as others did as they were growing up.

How many more like Lev, myself and others, must be disillusioned by religion before it comes to a screeching halt? How much more must we physically war before we realize that the future belongs to technology and the advancement into space as we put the big boy and girl pants on? At what point do we realize the possibility of a post-apocalyptic world and still choose to fight for the possibility that that may not happen if we go about it a certain way; and that point of saying a certain way, I mean that I am tackling that certain way while other headstrong individuals are doing things their own ways and creating the blend that pushes us into the future anyway, regardless.

I have come to a point where all of my enemies are friends and all of my friends are enemies and I still rip to shreds what torments me and yet it still comes back to torment me. I am enjoying life more and more, though, regardless, in certain ways. I am alive, awake and aware and receiving help from a lot of things, if not people themselves. People disgust me, humans disgust me, americans disgust me and yet I must accept the fact that I am a person, that I am a human and that I am an American and that I must be proud of at least what I became in a land of the cowardly and enslaved that claims freedom and bravery.

there is no blanket-cover way to measure anything and variety is the spice of life and only our reactions to it cause all the bullshit that we hate and wish to be rid of and free from and that is objective truth.

Maybe someday, but not right now. I can’t even manipulate people to return my phone calls. For instance, I ran into this new-age philosopher type who’s head was so far up his own ass he continually contradicted himself on major points throughout the conversation. I explained to him that I would like to be his friend so we could talk about philosophy some more, and I suggested that he write an essay explaining his thoughts, because he said he was terrible at communicating what was inside his head. I also told him I had a very important science experiment that I needed help with. He promised me he would help, but he was a liar like the rest. Never bothered to return my calls or anything, simply nihilistic complacency not wanting to get off his pussy ass and do anything important or scientific, while at the same time believing himself to be a wiser more enlightened mystic than the average joe.

There is a new age that is coming, the age of apathy. In this age, you’ll be lucky to observe any rational behavoir from anyone at all. Communication and rational discourse will become a rare commodity. Anyone who even bothers to talk to you without lying to you or scheming against you will become known as a friend.