Pen-Powered Insanity

 Sure. And i was trying to get out a retort, but couldn't.  Your anger is covering a weakness, For sure.  I can bet on that.  Too bad i've been through the mill, so that this seems trite and puerile. Your poetry is good never the less, and good luck with it.  So long.

Obe, you’ve handled yourself beautifullly my friend…not in his way, not in Christ’s way…but in your own “real” way.

INSANITY IS NOT POWERED BY THE PEN BUT BY THE MIND WHICH CANNOT REIGN ITSELF IN OR REFRAIN TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.
moi

Thank you. My anger was a weakness; I made it into a strength. It is rude to post in another persons thread but not everyone realizes proper protocol and not everyone realized that I was idioticidioms. I’m not going to waste time on apologies. I was sent a message in private saying that I seemed to be in a lot of pain and I was… pain for all the atrocities in the world.

The fact of the matter is that life sucks all around. It’s not so bad for certain people who are somewhere in the middle, but I play my life on hard mode and stay true to my morals and integrity. My anger was what it was and is what it is. In the past 6 months, I’ve been to jail twice and in mental health facilities twice because the courts wanted to deem me incompetent. I defended myself. That’s all I did here, too. Not this thread, but ‘here’ as in the entire messageboard. I have had to constantly defend myself from trolls and bullies since a young age and I’ve hit the point where I do what I feel I have to and roll with the punches and express myself as openly as possible, if it’s worth mentioning.

Am I perfect? Oh, fuck no. I’m going to be homeless after the holidays because I can’t go back to my grandparents where I was staying… defended myself against my uncle who likes to physically attack people and left a dark bruise on his neck and his arm; what I was arrested for one of the times; the other time being the breaking of a protection order as I tried to talk to my grandparents.

Of course, those events could not have happened without my mind being completely opened up and it ties into what I said here a while back about it feeling like somebody had slipped me LSD, something I’ve discounted as an impossibility having analyzed all of what was going on at the time. I entered into a different phase of reality wherein people could say quite easily I lost my mind or was insane; and yet it seemed to be happening to more people than just myself. The extreme irony of it all is that I will be homeless with more potential than most people who have jobs and actual ‘lives’. I’ll be free as I’ve never been before to craft my own life for myself.

I let the judges have it, the cops have it, the psychiatrists have it. I ripped people a new one who deserved it and see nothing wrong with that. Some people could say it’s just my opinion of who deserves it and that I have no right, but a conscientious observers opinion; especially an un-biased one; counts for a lot. Do I wish people dead? Some fucking times. Would I actually act on that wish unless my life was in danger? fuck no. The fact is that I wouldn’t even verbally assault someone unless it was for a good cause. When I talk about things that interest me and some punkshit troll steps in, do I get defensive? Yes! Why? because the world could be so much better and that’s what I fight for with every breath I breathe and every fight I get into with bullies. I did almost get the shit beat out of me twice; once in jail and once in one of the mental health facilities; for running my mouth about shit that I knew something about.

Both facilities deemed me fairly competent, though the last one said I had a psychotic disorder, which I find funny as Hell. I don’t care what is said about me or what labels people try to attach to me; or if they think I have delusions of grandeur when I don’t. It’s just my life and my fate and my eternal destiny. I could no less change it now than I could 20 some years ago when it first began, when I was about 8 years old. You want me to play nice? Then expect the same from everyone else. You want me to trade subtle, barbed insults with others who think their wit is well-suited for philosophy when it isn’t? Fine, I have talent in that, too. I could use over ten thousand words to tell someone to fuck off without using a single swear word, but all that does is make people view it as a game and I had no time for such games having played too many of them. I have talents others wish they had while they have talents they’re too afraid to show and I say ‘fuck it all, it means absolutely nothing in this savage world.’

What, really, could any of you say to me, having never been through what I’ve been through or suffered what I have suffered? Would you rise above it to keep smiling every day and not let a single bit of it ruin your happiness? The fact is that what I know about psychology and mental health can’t be taught in books in some college; I’ve actually lived the lessons I’ve learned and I’m not afraid to talk about it. You want to talk about my anger problems, let’s talk about your problems… but you hide them so well by just keeping quiet most of the time. You choose not to show others what lays beneath the surface of your demeanors and I chose to show mine to the world in order to help both my self and others and I succeeded. The war is still on-going and I’ll fight it while on the move, when I can. I’m going to head east after the holidays and try to enjoy being without a home to go to, seeing as how every house I’ve stayed in has never been a home to me like I thought it was.

Wasteland Wanderer

I’m just a wasteland wanderer
caught somewhere in the sands of time
just another weary traveling soldier
in the plains and planes of my mind
savage to the bone; words weighing like stones
always just one step off the street, so it seems
yet I never wind up alone
thankfully, truth and honesty still mean something
to just enough people to make life worth living
a beautiful hell; tap water heaven; a bottled dream of the madly-driven
as we seek something greater than a mass energy conversion
leadership by example; the ultimate war is peacecraft
how do you practice; how do you preach while others laugh?
when our actions are defined by our thoughts and words…
Our spirits COULD still fly with the birds
translating our ever-driving will to just get back up
indomitably stronger than many care to realize; will to survive
and love is the ultimate deciding factor; the last laugh that life has in its arsenal to give
where will you be when you realize? Love & friendship conquer all
say I’m a lousy diplomat or suck at keeping in contact; but I’ve cured a lot of different people
stress is stress; insecurity is free of charge
and I just can’t stop being me
calling people on their shit; making them care again
as I give full rise to my genius as I teach my self how to express and care again with each passing minute and moment
and the ones I love, I intend to show it as I always have and seek to be better yet
attest sin will turn into what helped breed my greatest triumphs.

Complex Simplicity

I was raised up on country and rock, but ghetto ties drew me to rap
through poetry profound, I found it unwound; broken down to utter crap
A stain on this train of a brain I found within the rain of pain itself
reaching out to save people who already died and found it denied
by those with the power to see it actualized
Some day; some way; my legend may choose to stay or fade away
Would you cry for me or die for me? Let me stop you: I chose my fate.
What I’ve done was never fun; chasing an eternal and elusive sun
Would you have done it if you were me? Of course not; ‘just let it be’
it’s easy to say ‘yes’, but there’s something unique
in this ancient spirit of mine that refuses to stay down and fights so hard for the light
It’s not a matter of who else ‘could have’ or ‘should have’ or ‘would have’ done it
it’s a matter of who is and who was and who will be true to this take and give
Obviously we’ve all failed and are still in the process of converting failures into successes
Bringing a monstrously dysfunctional; metaphysical; family together
there’s always bound to be some sort or form of rough waters
Hell; had I known ahead of time; I would have probably lived a different life
and there’s no shame in that at all, is what I’ve realized.
But, I am this spirit that chose it anyway and continues to choose it
No matter the cost to self or others; worlds biggest asshole bastard
trying to revive truth in a weed-infested garden; the garden never asked to be weeded in the first place, though, did it
and self-control if a bitch as we stride toward ‘perfection’
…too many times…
How many lives have I truly lived? Just one? trillions?
What if I’ve lived them all and just can’t remember? It’s impossible to know
All that I do know is that I grow infinitely older and younger within the mind with each passing second
doesn’t that just confuse, confound and complex to perplexed expressions?
I’ve passed conceptualization on to each person I’ve met
but it hasn’t been nearly enough; not yet
taught each how to gain their own confidence
through practicing what I preached myself and then walking away
often, too damned soon each time to see it through
came back too late; saw communities crumble and fall or rise to horrible heights.
So many lives lived within this singular life time; it doesn’t seem real
surreality swarming to usurp control of my mind to make me not feel
these emotions that I feel all too damn well
Against ‘their’ will, for ‘their’ will; but the choice is mine.
Inevitably guiding them to a shore they may someday reach upon waking
A world rich in the making; a golden dream shining without breaking
So closely within reach and yet so far away
As they try so hard to undermine free will AND fate
This dismal fight that is too hard fought…
Into histories’ disappoint gloom; they forgot
This fight is both physical and mental; can’t have one without the other
To have self confidence AND know when to stop
they compete for dominance on a shit-hill; for slop
Hoping that I’ll give up and crying because I keep right on going
consequences are fucking consequences and destiny shines through the eternal darkness
Precious fights for brightness denied one too many God damn times
Some times I call them stupid and dumb; it’s just rule of thumb
you can’t run; you can’t hide; You can’t live in fear
or let fear define your mind or life; open your ears and let yourself hear
There are important messages all around; in every song and sound
You might just find nothing at all; or something profound
Not everything has hidden meanings, though, so be wary of getting carried away
the truth will find you; have its way with you; and there’s nothing you can do
in the end it will even drag you, kicking and screaming, into the darkest of days
into the brightest of nights; nightmare dreaming; insanity rampantly streaming
The infinite fight or flight for the fight for flight supplied instead of denied
just open your eyes and fly… metaphorically; metaphysically
It’s already forced upon you, crushing your minds
And frankly? We all deserved it; quit your whining and crying.
overcome it all the same so we no longer have so much stupid fighting.

Got a couple of short stories that I’ll post later on that I think are pretty good… they came to me while I was in the depths of insanity itself. Cheers.

The Devils Game

There once was a game called ‘The Devil’s Game’ which involved a metaphorical box of the mind that trapped people within it until they managed to get out again from the inside. Designed by crooks for crooks, it drove most people insane and drove wedges in families and friendships as people wound up jumping at shadows and never knowing what stage of the game others were at. They devised and build groups to try to power their way out of the box, but found themselves only repeating the same cycles of nonsense and getting nowhere; as all of them tried to cheat fate itself and created only self-fulfilling prophecy.

Immortals sentenced to this game were taught what it was like to be a mortal; to live and die over and over again and to have your spirit recycled and made to forget in between lives that it was caught in the box it could not escape, but they would retain instinctual racial memories that would give them clues to what they needed to do with their lives; what their destinies were. No matter how hard they tried, though, they could not escape the box and resigned themselves to creating a masterpiece of a crooks puzzle, trapping themselves, eventually, in the right way out of the box.

They came up with coded ways of speaking, using metaphors, or opposite of what they intended; backwards, forwards; other languages entirely, even made up ones; signs and symbols, etc.; and worked to set themselves up in future lives as they learned tricks and crafted secret societies, governments, bloodlines, etc. and made themselves comfortable messing with the weak and wanting.

After a time, their civilizations had risen to a point where most knew nothing of the game because nothing about it was talked about openly and nobody was taught anymore about the lost immortality they once all had. People would be randomly brought into the know when they showed ability or talent, though the immortals would be ready to kill them if it did not work out.

“Hey, it’s ok,” they would say, “we’re all crooks here.”

countless eons pass and time and space ended and began too many times as these immortals remained caught in the box, trying every scam and scandal over and over again; getting lost in the ecstasies of life and all the pleasures thereof; losing themselves in insanity or other; all the while the secret societies and bloodlines, etc. worked to overcome their known problems and toward their own goals.

Finally, it became too much and the multitudes remained locked in insanity without realizing it; silently screaming for help from a God they no longer believed in; that they believed no longer watched over them; tarnishing the name even of his ‘only son’. But, there was only one way out of the box and it was to all work together to overcome the problem; to learn how to do things right with their powers instead of destroying as much as they created.

God has issued this punishment to many immortals as countless universes have been destroyed by those who simply lack self control.

The Boulder Punishment

One of the punishments for immortals, once upon a time, was to spend an eternity pushing a boulder up a mountainside. Immortals who abused their powers were often given this punishment; some were interested in it solely for the challenge of rolling a boulder to the top of the mountain and having it stay at the top; like King Arthur and the sword in the stone, nobody could get their boulders to stay and so it was thought to be impossible.

Many immortals would get tired about halfway up and the boulders would inevitably roll back down the mountain to the base; hitting other immortals and their boulders and causing them to start afresh, too; often resulting in a lot of in-fighting in between attempts. Others would get theirs close to the top only to have their boulders roll back down. Over the course of eternity, Gods were molded into Titans; giant and muscular and raw with physical power; losing whatever other powers they had until they learned to use them properly.

The rare few who managed to push their boulders all the way to the top found their boulders too large to stay there and had them roll back to the bottom, for they gained mass as they were pushed up the mountainside. Having a single boulder stay at the top would redeem all who were caught in the punishment and set them all free and they were watched over by the Devil; who they perceived to be a harsh taskmaster when in reality he was often giving support and encouragement for them to get back up and try again, getting them moving when they had lost the will to even try again.

This continued until it became too much for a majority of the immortals and together they amassed a cry to reach the ears of God in their outrage. God went down to Hell and seeing the Devil dealing with the outraged immortals, winked to him and assumed the form of a physically weak immortal. It is possible for God to completely limit his powers when he chooses to, unable to even get his powers back himself until he earns them back. The other immortals caught sight of the pitifully weak God and laughed uproariously at the new arrival.

They had spent so long of eternity in that place that their only fun came from taunting the extremely weak, which they loved to do with a passion. God just ignored them and picked the biggest boulder. He gave it a test push and it moved not even a single centimeter. He pit his full weight into it and it didn’t budge, all the while the immortals laughed and laughed and laughed at his efforts.

Finally, God stopped and looked down at his feet. Spotting a pebble, he began rolling it up the hill as the immortals laughed at his foolishness, as certainly he had to put a boulder at the top of the mountain; not a pebble. As he pushed the pebble up the hill, it gained mass like the larger boulders and he gained weight and strength while pushing and was able to pace himself fairly well as well as dodge around the falling boulders from other immortals. He reached the pinnacle of the mountain with his ‘pebble’ which was now the size of one of the boulders at the base, and it rested easily at the top without falling back down.

All of the immortals cried ‘foul’, even though they were free from punishment, for they had spent so long pushing their boulders up the mountainside that they felt cheated at how easy it actually was if they did it right and paced themselves; thought and used their wit appropriately. Not a single one of the immortals had thought to do such a thing and if they had at one time, they had never acted upon it for the sheer foolishness they thought it to be.

Out of sight and hearing of the immortals, God and the Devil shared a laugh, knowing that God’s punishments were never harder than they needed to be and always had a lesson to be learned from them and are often easier than most realize and just goes to show that things are often made much worse by those who fail to use their intellect wisely instead of abusing the power it gives.

What hope is there for humanity when a ‘sane’ ‘man’ must teach even and ‘insane’ ‘man’ how to properly go ‘insane’ to make a difference in the ‘sane’ world?

It is absolutely fascinating my growing resentment for these so-called pacifists who don’t understand that neutrality is not an absence of fight, but an increase of peaceful awareness throughout the fight; and I hate placating or pacifying imaginary pacifists who still fall in to fighting. They need to grow up; fast.

What other methods are there of telling time besides the linear format we’re used to? Is there anything other than the 12 or 24 hours mode of telling time from day to day; or even a different way than just day to day, week to week?

If our brains can think so far beyond 3D reality, what are we truly capable of when we work together to see it done?

If evolution coincides with divine creation, wouldn’t the creations be divine and the creator constantly evolving along with their creations?

If I think too long, I may just break down and cry again; get angry all over again; feel joy and comfort again and again. Why do we avoid thinking so much when we fail to live properly in the present; especially when it is so impossible to avoid thinking?

Fear is how we fall, courage is how we rise again. A stiffening and setting of jaw in place; will appropriated properly. Life is what we live in spite of death and fear with death always as the last adventure for all. To face it with honor and the proper respect while still acknowledging and giving proper rise to your fight to survive is to earn your place in eternity.

The greatest sanctuary; once prepared correctly; is the mind. It grants a freedom that no other thing can provide for you.

Freedom fought for and earned properly has a flavor to it that is sweeter than the tastiest candies and infinitely better for it all. Just a single gust of wind through your hair or a single rain drop upon your cheek or brow is enough to make it all worthwhile. To feel ‘absolutely’ is divine nature at its finest. If ‘one’ was all you could have, would ‘one’ be enough to last you through eternity? Of course not, which is the entire point of existence, so why do people remain enslaved other than for the reason that they fail to properly think about and appreciate what good things life and nature provides us that so many take for granted?

I like people posting in this thread with responses to what I post; love the interaction. I did jump the gun a bit with Obe, being on edge and high-strung at the time and that’s not an excuse I’m giving, just a simple analysis. But yeah, I feel that way some times… this thread is mine for my personal musings, writings, odds and ends; even though it is a part of the overall boards that belongs to Carleas and this thread is even his as well and whoever he delegates authority to and surely it’s for everyone who wants to view it. If you want to post here, go ahead; I was being overly-sensitive. As I said, though; not going to waste time on apologies. I did something better and changed my own perspective over the long term to something better.

The Lord has made me my own shepherd
I shall always want, but I will maintain
He hopes for me to find green pastures and still waters
He helps to restore my soul and trusts me to walk in righteousness for our names sakes
Yea, even though I have lived in the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil
For misunderstanding and fear spread like the plague
My voice is strong to teach others strength
My mind whole to guide people to their own wholeness
He has prepared a table in sight of mine enemies
My cup is my responsibility and mine alone though I ask for help when I need it most
surely all things exist for a reason and I shall dwell within sight of the lord forever.

what if you were just an imaginary friend to everyone you ever knew and who ever knew you; meant in each persons life and perspective for something wholly dissimilar and yet similar all the same for each person and something you’d never know fully for sure what it all meant. Would you be able to handle that and the repeated pain of losing such close friends at every step of life to do a job infinitely harder called ‘doing things right’?

they say you shouldn’t compare your life to others, but to be honest, to do so actually compels you to question why people do things which leads to more questions and is there ever enough questions to satisfy our inner mystery solver? Hell no. I think the route of infinite possibilities might just be paved with questions that lead to answers with other question that aren’t apparent until you get there like the greatest choose your own adventures ever; at least if people would pull their heads out of their collective asses and realize it, lol.

remember that when a wise man states he is a wise man firmly and without bias or pride in the assertion; but a certain measure of assuredness; that wisdom is hard-earned and not all wise men are content to sit back and watch the world pass them by without asserting their presence.

some times, strength of will isn’t enough. It’s the breaking; the casting off of former, past versions of self which becomes easier with each shedding and breaking; that makes us who and what we are. What we choose to make our selves in our minds reflects constantly into our day to day interactions; reverberating like countless butterfly effects causing ripples rebounding ripples with people hoping that something remains when the water stills itself again. Some times all you can do is just go with whatever flow you find and do your best even if it isn’t good enough, just to learn enough to use for future lessons. There’s always something more to learn about life and the people you co-inhabit life with.

the majority of the world is on drugs. That’s a fact that gets kicked under the rug a lot. A pretty sad fact.

How appalling it is that people can better live with their own self-denials when they see the pain of someone who has very few, if any, for those people cause the most harm to the world around them. They would rather deny certain truths and deny them to others instead of moving forward into understanding of those truths.

youtube.com/watch?feature=p … FQYaoiIFh8

I tell you what, if you put all of the education of schools in gossip form, people would become educated a lot faster. A LOT faster. Duh, jackasses.

lyk omg jessica, did you know that if a train is moving at the one speed while another train is moving at another speed, toward each other that we’re still going to care more about the price of the clothing we wear than when those stupid ass trains are going to collide?

hey fred, did you hear about that jesus christ feller? Heard he did a lot of great things.
Izzat so, George? Sounds like a great guy.
Right?

indoctrination; institutionalization… concepts that suck ass for everyone and don’t really work. But stockholme syndrome? -gets a slightly maniacal look in his eye as begins to sing a barney song- I love you, you love me… well, you’re GONNA love me some day, lolololol

Always remember the fallen and falling; the dead and dying. Honor their memory whether they were a bum on the street or the richest person in the world and honor it equally, for no one is greater than another. Remember the soldiers fighting; not just in physical wars; but in wars of the mind as they argue back and forth and debate; at home and abroad; and please have some respect for the soldiers of other countries, for they do the same as us and to the same degree and suffer the same losses at our hands as we do at theirs.
And remember that PTSD, Bipolar, Depression, Social Anxiety, etc. are real and very powerful disorders; very real and not to be minimalized.

My hat is off to the Dr. Who 50th anniversary special for solving the ‘me, myself and I’ question of who wins the ultimate showdown between themselves. Cheers. When you work together with your self instead of against your self, you tend to win a lot more.

have you ever just pondered where certain energy comes from and why it doesn’t ever go away? Why you can’t seem to kill it or keep it down in any way. There is energy in existence that has never stopped momentum and it is the nature and essence of change: kinetic movement. If people truly understood the complexity to the most simple of things and the simplicity to the most complex; mankind would be further ahead of itself than it is. If it could somehow compensate women better than calling it mankind, I think life itself might actually improve; but then we’d have to compare our self to other animals and it just wouldn’t work out with nature’s emotional outbursts.

the words of a wise man and the words of a fool are equally wiped away by time if the fool and the wise man refuse to work together toward a common goal of clearing away self-addiction. Just utterly obliterated by time and space.

Sometimes I weigh my life and find it worthy; other times I find it wanting. It’s just the give and take of life itself and I’m always starting newer and more advanced projects with determination and an absolute goal in mind. Nothing but pure exhilaratingly excitingly interesting reality is as good as the ongoing conversation and mental struggle that rests within my own mind that is purely epic when you get around to taking out the major hurdles in your own self-developmental process.

The Planet does not need more successful people, the planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kinds.
I am not anti-work; I am anti-job, anti-government, anti-school; anti-institution, anti-law; because any of those things leads only to corruption and decadence. We can have society and all the pleasures thereof without all of the headaches if people would just stop being so stubbornly hard-headed in their refusal to learn how to get along with others and love and love alike; share and share alike. I will not be successful, I will be a failure, dying alone on the street like some piece of trash thrown out.

There’s always so many things
people can say in spite or anger
Without it being offensive; is it possible, I wonder?

Never knew the world I lived in was so big.
Just a child bound to what I thought was something small
Nobody ever explaining anything and expecting me to learn
when, really, I only ever wanted to be properly taught.

but people are foolish and I don’t know why I ever expect that to change
Perhaps it’s what never changes in me that pushes it in range
People attack me with words or actions, I attack back.
I challenge doctrines, philosophies, scientific curiosities
Thought I was something special, but guess I wasn’t
Always what people thought they could use for their purpose
want me to respect them being them, but not me being me
What kind of double-standard like that gets away free?

Always the judge and executioner; always my plight.
Always the torment; always the fight
And my will is strong and I like to smile and laugh
But this world is serious and has forgotten at last
the true joy that friendly competition could be.

‘play by our rules; never introduce anything new that we don’t want’
‘we’ll tell you to ask for permission and then always say no’
‘Do it anyway and we’ll be afraid of your genius.’
So many petty people and I don’t mean to judge them for it
maybe it makes me petty in the process
But why shouldn’t I defend myself?
Why shouldn’t I put up the fight of my life
When people attack me for simply pointing out their downfallings
It never used to be a problem to be called on your crap
Because then you’d actually learn something
instead of just rolling deeper into the bad

Always wanting to play petty poker games that cause stress to others
And then you wonder why they cause stress to you
Don’t you know what always happens?
And if you do, then why do you let it happen?
you know the good ones can never let sleeping dogs lie
and the bad ones are always on the lamb, but always in plain sight
think they hide, but you know their kind

And it was never a problem until people thought they saw the real you
Which was never the real you; but faulty perspective in understanding.

Rolling through the plains of thought so deeply that you forget how people could do something accurately AND instinctively
Never thought for a second that something could be raw and focused at the same time.
The burden of abuse put on me by step-father
Called me evil when I was just mischievous
Watching him and my mother fight
Almost every night
tell us kids to go catch mom on her way out the doors
‘make sure she doesn’t kill herself’

The amount of pain I’ve felt in this life alone was beyond imagining
and they showed me new pain that I had never felt before
as if that was the game.

But I guess I’m not sore; when you attack a persons ideas and call them weak
And they sit by them stubbornly instead of doing something better
I guess it offends them; I guess they get bitter
They like and love your talent; but never you
And it’s a pity that I love until it hurts
because some times it’s more than a heart can bear
And I bear it anyway, because I’m a soldier
Never by choice, but driven by nature; to fight a war I never understood.
Never understood by far.

‘the game’ they call it. A game that they chose apart from another
Wanted to be different from each other and became just like each other anyway
Ridiculousness in nature as everyone competes
instead of following the talents they were naturally gifted at.
‘it’s a competition! it’s a competition!’
‘we’re going to make you play our game, but won’t let you play yours’
‘We’re not going to be understanding when you force your game on us as we forced ours.’
‘We’re never going to change because we don’t want to; we don’t like you; no job for you.’
"work at our pace, do what we want; but not what you want.’
Don’t even think of using the resources without our permission; cause they’re ‘owned’ by us.

Fools these mortals be; and I’m as foolish, for thinking anything could ever change
Everyone controls resources; makes it look awesome; but is secretly doing good/bad with each other
whatever that doublespeak may be for it.

Never understood it; never wanted to; just a bunch of gibberish
Runnin out their mouths; I guess they don’t know when to shut’em
and yet they blame me for opening mine.

I’m gonna open it with or without you;
I’ma do my thing with or without you and expect you to do the same.
I guess people will never truly understand
it’s not like it takes a genius to understand people; it’s actually rather simple:
pay attention. There, that was it.

people tell me to pay attention and I did; but they tell me I can’t do the things I pay attention to; cause they’re afraid.
Afraid I’ma take advantage of them like they would to me
Afraid I’ma force them to do my work when all I ever asked was that they follow their own will
yet I’m the bad guy for the choices that they made
I’m the clown with velvet shorts and a rubber on his nose
I guess that’s me and what I was born to wear as clothes

but let me tell you one last little thing:

I never cared enough to be better than you. I don’t care about double-speak BS. All I ever wanted was friends and family and thought that everyone else valued those same things
but I guess they don’t. And that’s just how the story goes.
I guess I’m just gonna flip it the finger and walk away
Go off into a distance and do my thing

And after gone by Yourself, You can nurse Yourself back, toward the simply jargon , that t’s only another brick innthe wall. The cut away, shcemetized, pigenholed memory, placed symbolically even by one simple designation, YES EVEN THA’S RETREAVABLE ,yes it has unbiased significance, and the relative meaninglessness of it, nay, may not reflect on an defensive effort, an aplology. Any thought, even one
may mean countless things, as attached to another,
and another, whereby a neat trick: to widen the scope of it, to enrich it, on principle a resistance to entropic generalizations, into redundancies, whether
it be puposeful modern verse, of entrance into a labyrinth, a maze, of lostness, and the cure betwixt within, or, without.

youtube.com/watch?v=OBDHnPg1qh4

youtube.com/watch?v=cpGbzYlnz7c

A Satire Against Reason and Mankind

By John Wilmot

Were I (who to my cost already am
One of those strange, prodigious creatures, man)
A spirit free to choose, for my own share,
What case of flesh and blood I pleased to wear,
I’d be a dog, a monkey, or a bear,
Or anything but that vain animal
Who is so proud of being rational.

The senses are too gross, and he’ll contrive
A sixth, to contradict the other five,
And before certain instinct, will prefer
Reason, which fifty times for one does err;
Reason, an ignis fatuus in the mind,
Which, leaving light of nature, sense, behind,
Pathless and dangerous wandering ways it takes
Through error’s fenny bogs and thorny brakes;
Whilst the misguided follower climbs with pain
Mountains of whimseys, heaped in his own brain;
Stumbling from thought to thought, falls headlong down
Into doubt’s boundless sea, where, like to drown,
Books bear him up a while, and make him try
To swim with bladders of philosophy;
In hopes still to o’ertake th’ escaping light,-
The vapor dances in his dazzling sight
Till, spent, it leaves him to eternal night.
Then old age and experience, hand in hand,
Lead him to death, and make him understand,
After a search so painful and so long,
That all his life he has been in the wrong.
Huddled in dirt the reasoning engine lies,
Who was so proud, so witty, and so wise.

Pride drew him in, as cheats their bubbles catch,
And made him venture to be made a wretch.
His wisdom did his happiness destroy,
Aiming to know that world he should enjoy.
And wit was his vain, frivolous pretence
Of pleasing others at his own expense,
For wits are treated just like common whores:
First they’re enjoyed, and then kicked out of doors.
The pleasure past, a threatening doubt remains
That frights th’ enjoyer with succeeding pains.
Women and men of wit are dangerous tools,
And ever fatal to admiring fools:
Pleasure allures, and when the fops escape,
'Tis not that they’re belov’d, but fortunate,
And therefore what they fear at heart, they hate.

But now, methinks, some formal band and beard
Takes me to task. Come on, sir; I’m prepared.

'Then, by your favour, anything that’s writ
Against this gibing, jingling knack called wit
Likes me abundantly; but you take care
Upon this point, not to be too severe.
Perhaps my muse were fitter for this part,
For I profess I can be very smart
On wit, which I abhor with all my heart.
I long to lash it in some sharp essay,
But your grand indiscretion bids me stay
And turns my tide of ink another way.

“What rage ferments in your degenerate mind
To make you rail at reason and mankind?
Blest, glorious man! to whom alone kind heaven
An everlasting soul has freely given,
Whom his great Maker took such care to make
That from himself he did the image take
And this fair frame in shining reason dressed
To dignify his nature above beast;
Reason, by whose aspiring influence
We take a flight beyond material sense,
Dive into mysteries, then soaring pierce
The flaming limits of the universe,
Search heaven and hell, find out what’s acted there,
And give the world true grounds of hope and fear.”

Hold, mighty man, I cry, all this we know
From the pathetic pen of Ingelo,
From Patrick’s Pilgrim, Sibbes’s soliloquies,
And 'tis this very reason I despise:
This supernatural gift, that makes a mite
Think he’s the image of the infinite,
Comparing his short life, void of all rest,
To the eternal and the ever blest;
This busy, puzzling stirrer-up of doubt
That frames deep mysteries, then finds them out,
Filling with frantic crowds of thinking fools
Those reverend bedlams, colleges and schools;
Borne on whose wings, each heavy sot can pierce
The limits of the boundless universe;
So charming ointments make an old witch fly
And bear a crippled carcass through the sky.
'Tis this exalted power, whose business lies
In nonsense and impossibilities,
This made a whimsical Philosopher
Before the spacious world, his tub prefer,
And we have modern cloistered coxcombs who
Retire to think, 'cause they have nought to do.

But thoughts are given for action’s government;
Where action ceases, thought’s impertinent.
Our sphere of action is life’s happiness,
And he who thinks beyond, thinks like an ass.
Thus, whilst against false reasoning I inveigh,
I own right reason, which I would obey:
That reason which distinguishes by sense
And gives us rules of good and ill from thence,
That bounds desires with a reforming will
To keep them more in vigour, not to kill.
Your reason hinders, mine helps to enjoy,
Renewing appetites yours would destroy.
My reason is my friend, yours is a cheat;
Hunger calls out, my reason bids me eat;
Perversely, yours your appetite does mock:
This asks for food, that answers, “What’s o’clock?”
This plain distinction, sir, your doubt secures:
'Tis not true reason I despise, but yours.

Thus I think reason righted, but for man,
I’ll ne’er recant; defend him if you can.
For all his pride and his-philosophy,
‘Tis evident beasts are, in their degree,
As wise at least, and better far than he.
Those creatures are the wisest who attain,
By surest means, the ends at which they aim.
If therefore Jowler finds and kills his hares
Better than Meres supplies committee chairs,
Though one’s a statesman, th’ other but a hound,
Jowler, in justice, would be wiser found.

You see how far man’s wisdom here extends;
Look next if human nature makes amends:
Whose principles most generous are, and just,
And to whose morals you would sooner trust.
Be judge yourself, I’ll bring it to the test:
Which is the basest creature, man or beast?
Birds feed on birds, beasts on each other prey,
But savage man alone does man betray.
Pressed by necessity, they kill for food;
Man undoes man to do himself no good.
With teeth and claws by nature armed, they hunt
Nature’s allowance, to supply their want
But man, with smiles, embraces, friendship, praise,
Inhumanly his fellow’s life betrays;
With voluntary pains works his distress,
Not through necessity, but wantonness.

For hunger or for love they fight and tear,
Whilst wretched man is still in arms for fear.
For fear he arms, and is of arms afraid,
By fear to fear successively betrayed;
Base fear, the source whence his best passions came:
His boasted honour, and his dear-bought fame;
That lust of power, to which he’s such a slave,
And for the which alone he dares be brave;
To which his various projects are designed;
Which makes him generous, affable, and kind;
For which he takes such pains to be thought wise,
And screws his actions in a forced disguise,
Leading a tedious life in misery
Under laborious, mean hypocrisy.
Look to the bottom of his vast design,
Wherein man’s wisdom, power, and glory join:
The good he acts, the ill he does endure,
'Tis all from fear, to make himself secure.
Merely for safety, after fame we thirst,
For all men would be cowards if they durst.

And honesty’s against all common sense:
Men must be knaves, 'tis in their own defense.
Mankind’s dishonest; if you think it fair
Amongst known cheats to play upon the square,
You’ll be undone.
Nor can weak truth your reputation save:
The knaves will all agree to call you knave.
Wronged shall he live, insulted o’er, oppressed,
Who dares be less a villain than the rest.
Thus, sir, you see what human nature craves:
Most men are cowards, all men should be knaves.
The difference lies, as far as I can see,
Not in the thing itself, but the degree,
And all the subject matter of debate
Is only: Who’s a knave of the first rate?

All this with indignation have I hurled
At the pretending part of the proud world,
Who, swollen with selfish vanity, devise
False freedoms, holy cheats, and formal lies
Over their fellow slaves to tyrannize.

But if in Court so just a man there be
(In Court a just man, yet unknown to me)
Who does his needful flattery direct,
Not to oppress and ruin, but protect
(Since flattery, which way soever laid,
Is still a tax on that unhappy trade);
If so upright a statesman you can find,
Whose passions bend to his unbiased mind,
Who does his arts and policies apply
To raise his country, not his family,
Nor, while his pride owned avarice withstands,
Receives close bribes through friends’ corrupted hands

Is there a churchman who on God relies;
Whose life, his faith and doctrine justifies?
Not one blown up with vain prelatic pride,
Who, for reproof of sins, does man deride;
Whose envious heart makes preaching a pretence,
With his obstreperous, saucy eloquence,
To chide at kings, and rail at men of sense;
None of that sensual tribe whose talents lie
In avarice, pride, sloth, and gluttony;
Who hunt good livings, but abhor good lives;
Whose lust exalted to that height arrives
They act adultery with their own wives,
And ere a score of years completed be,
Can from the lofty pulpit proudly see
Half a large parish their own progeny;
Nor doting bishop who would be adored
For domineering at the council board,
A greater fop in business at fourscore,
Fonder of serious toys, affected more,
Than the gay, glittering fool at twenty proves
With all his noise, his tawdry clothes, and loves;

But a meek, humble man of honest sense,
Who, preaching peace, does practice continence;
Whose pious life’s a proof he does believe
Mysterious truths, which no man can conceive.
If upon earth there dwell such God-like men,
I’ll here recant my paradox to them,
Adore those shrines of virtue, homage pay,
And, with the rabble world, their laws obey.

If such there are, yet grant me this at least:
Man differs more from man, than man from beast.

If the world of men was in a healthy state, there would be no liars as no one would see fit to lie out of fear of consequences contrived, being fully aware of the consequences given by life. Not pressed by a sick mind or soul into acts which cause lies to spawn from our tongues, we might actually see a change in the world around us all. That man is prone to lying would be a lie itself, merely predisposed to lie when extreme consequences unfold; fear of the effect of degradation in the eyes of others. What killer would there be if a person were raised with their mind to be healthy and found joy in the company of all others around them? What thief would derive pleasure instead of self-loathing from the act of stealing if all people were of healthy minds and shared and shared alike? No adulterer would dare cheat or whore themselves for affection, no one would be lustbent, appreciating also the give and take of love with lust; neither would they see fit to harm another in such a manner as people are harmed in this day and age via the dating scene and competition for affections, sensual or sexual attractions.

People would not glut or drink to excess or get high merely to pass the time or ease the boredom or attempt to escape from reality itself instead choosing to partake in moderation as prescribed by so many wise men and women who have lived life before us who a good many of us perceive to be masochists that force themselves to be something other than natural as they ascend beyond the foibles that so many others fall to.

People say that it is impossible for the world to exist in a healthy state as the greed in men would stop it every time and yet what greed could or would there be in a world where everything were free and love was open while we operated under the pretense that perhaps moderation of certain things is necessary because it actually is necessary to suitably enjoy things properly. People say that the world will never change that it is what it is and we should just accept it and do whatever we want. If I were such a fool as to believe such a thing then surely all hope would seem lost to me and I might become the craven fiend I know that I could be for there would be no true reason to try at all except for some vain folly such as my own personal masochism as others issue pain upon my person in one form or another.

I think it is folly to think that the world won’t heal, that these wounds so deep will never scab over and will continue to fester. I think it’s foolish to think that the natural progression from past ages to the present can be without healing. People so caught up in negativity, so sick on the inside while viewing themselves to be healthy; embracing faulty modes of thinking which leads to further faulty modes of thinking, further degradation of the human spirit and what we could be, all for self-fulfilling prophecy started long ago. Through measured approach we might find that we could have our cake and eat it, too; without panic or fear or the over-compensation of those things; ego and arrogance; we could have more than enough cake for everyone to share.

And the simple fact of it all is that we don’t have to make it happen, we just have to live our lives as we choose to live them and make a base effort to overcome, together. It will happen on its own as the world moved to unhealthiness on its own, healthiness is just natural adaptation and evolutionary gain delivered so long after the root of it all came into being. A healthy mind has no fear of lies or lying, accepting the full dichotomy of who they are and recognizing the fact that we can not be on top of stopping certain things 100% of the time. People would just like to give up killing or stealing or excess licentiousness just cold turkey or believe that that is what is being asked of them by reasonable and wise people and yet that is far from the truth of it, for the greatest rehabilitation centers in the world recognize the need for those addictions based in our instincts; addictions we will never truly be free from since one person departing from such completely would cause the influx of it in others.

There are right and wrong times in our lives to make use of everything and we pretend that certain things must never be done and such punishments should be delivered to those who perform it instead of actually dealing with a problem. People assume we would devolve back into ways of living we’ve already lived and yet the full weight of the matter has yet to press itself upon their shoulders or minds to make them aware that such would be an impossibility as people have been so indoctrinated into the current system that to give up forward progression would not be tolerated at all. We would go back to medieval ages in our consciousnesses? Not hardly. Not with everything we have and everything we’ve seen and experienced and want and feel we need. There is more determination to keep pushing forward than to go back to conscious states of mind that are far unhealthier than what we seek to embrace. That determination wins wars and causes people to fight and kill to protect it, which shows a proper placement of inferior drives and desires; an outlet. Without judgment and fear of judgment, people would not see fit to hide their desires; we would not see fit to repress the thought of killing someone we’re mad at and would know that it is okay to think and say such things so long as we don’t act upon it, yet juvenility still strangles maturity and so many people who should be mature adults respond like children and act like children refusing to help out and to actually make their community or surroundings more enjoyable not just to themselves but to all people.

It is simple immaturity and a desire not to give up stealing or something similar that hurts others just because you gain something from it you wouldn’t have had otherwise. The fact is that this immaturity exists solely because those in power refuse to give up their resources or share them openly and fairly while they last; seeking to make a fount of resources that will never run out and yet the running out of resources accidentally instead of purposefully and spitefully teaches people moderation and that nothing can last forever. Even if you were to stockpile all resources, something could wipe them out and yet people still think they can do so; that they can have a nest egg to fall back on; an escape from their way of life should they ever need one when no escape should be necessary if they are living their lives appropriately along all others around them.

We are suffering from so many avenues of unhealthy thought, spawned by unhealthy living conditions, unhealthy modes of living, unhealthy modes of thinking caused by unhealthy, incomplete teachings where ‘freedom of speech’ is used as an excuse to spread hate instead of solve actual problems.

Would more people try if they were aware of how many were actually trying, if they were able to witness it actually happening with their own eyes and experience it in their own lives? I find that such things are a luxury in this world with it being the way it is. You won’t always get a reward for doing the right thing and realistically, you shouldn’t just expect such things as rewards and thanks for doing good things, you should just do them for the sake of doing them, knowing the long-term results to be worth it. If more people were to be honest when they stole or killed someone, we could then work on ascertaining other things and actually bringing forth modes of communication that may have never been examined before; that may always have existed in private between good friends. If people didn’t have to fear judgment and punishment for their deeds,; not more than what life gives us in terms of guilt, etc.; it could possibly be that we could then move past those actions into fully explaining to people why such is wrong, or they might show us that such is right in a given situation.

The fact is that maybe killing people is a part of life; maybe stealing from certain individuals is a part of who we are and yet there is always a reason for it that we can’t always see and it comes back to being unhealthy. How could these things still exist in a healthy environment except for killing only what we needed to eat and not having to steal much at all since resources would be shared and shared alike while they lasted and we would work together when resources were low to go do the work needed to get more; we would actually live and die together as equals instead of divided and living such unhealthy lives in veins of negative thought or faulty living as people claim they don’t care and try to be stronger than they need to be to compensate for a Hellish reality.

We do so much to make this world healthier while so many people seek to undermine just to stay in the unhealthy frames of mind they exist in and yet the people making the world healthier are succeeding far beyond what the people seeking to undermine realize; more than many people realize and another fact is that people ARE realizing it and it will be the cause of war; a war which will be lost and then won or won and then lost depending on how you view it. Another fact of the matter is that most of the people who would fight against making the world healthier would be completely lost without the hard work of those who try; would be lost without their dedication and guidance and yet stubbornly refuse to give up or admit that they could be wrong. And the sad part is that even those who work to make the world healthier can’t always admit when they’re wrong, so what should we really be working on for a while save making the world of the mind a healthier place for all? How can we do anything at all in reality of concrete value without first securing the first foothold within our selves? We can’t.

So many things we don’t want come in the process of reaching for what we need and desire so strongly, though, making people reticent and yet those things will be far worse the longer people are reticent, like leaving a dirty house because you don’t want to clean it. After so long, it becomes Hell to clean because you left it for so long when you never really had to clean it every day, either; just enough to not let it get to such extremes of unhealthy filthiness. And that’s what a majority of reasonable thinkers have to be asking for, if anything; if they consider it at all; just enough cleaning to keep it all from being such a horrible world for so many. We don’t have to do it all at once and we don’t have to do it every day so long as we keep up on it throughout our lives and keep somewhat ahead of it.

And then, when you feel like cutting loose and enjoying your self more, you find that you are in more control of yourself, more precise, more everything and it gives you a finer appreciation for doing things and for living life. You wouldn’t be as likely to abuse things and you would have more reason to practice moderation and self control, which gives a healthier mind than to practice complete abstinence and trying to control others.

Wrote this for a poetry contest on allpoetry.com

Freeflow Reality

Before I begin, I just want to state how thankful I am to be alive
Even through pain, suffering, torment and torture and all the like
To see each day unfold and then pass again into the next is pleasurable
And to wonder what happens next is something people should view to be desirable
To wit, it is hard to find philosophical thoughts that bend beyond the established norm
and even rarer to find a contest pertaining to such in poetic form
And yet here we are, playing the game of ‘find each other in the dark
For what reason, to what extent at the end of our incessant questions?
To which the ultimate answer must be, ‘for love of a lark’
Which should be our ultimate mission
When reality bends upon itself and crushes our minds with insanity
we find such pleasures hidden and thus get caught in inanity
Caught up in ancient teachings and new bitter fantasies
such as Nietzche with his belief that God is dead
When to me God is the concept of reality, nature, our own subconsious
that ties us all together in myriad connections
and gives birth to all of our culture and ideas and societies, etcetera
Mass-consciousness at its finest; what they call multiple personality disorder of schizophrenia
as voices pervade our heads in random, sporadic fashions
to either beat down or lift up and to those who enjoy silence, I salute
but only insofar as to life a single finger in the midst of my hand because I know the truth:
in silence the sound of madness begins
and begs and beckons
So shhhhhh a moment and listen in
when the frequencies around us invade our senses again
information coming from all around us, whether we’re conscious of it or not
and all around us are signs of supernaturality we try to hide
from spirits and ghosts that affect our emotions and thoughts
to shifting consciousness from alternate reality to alternate reality
and who is to say that time travel isn’t possible within the mind, to touch your past or future selves in both this life and others and create other alternate realities, who is to say you can’t?
And who is to say that such is wrong when it doesn’t change the one we’re in
When we have to actually coincide words with actions and thoughts to get the ball rollin’
I have come from nothing; from the most dismal depths of depression
to rise above the noise and confusion and feel myself heightened
from dark halls of negativity and fear and paranoia, insecurity
to golden dreams of future reality possibilities
Experiencing life in ways that skeptics deem insane
from chakras, to spirits, to Gods and devils, demons and angels and so much more
From the earthy vibrancy to soar through the universe within my minds third eye
which surprisingly is located very near to the pineal gland that releases some sweet concoctions
that stir the mind and frees it into such mental copulations of imaginations
mental masturbation
And therein lies cosmic joke after cosmic joke
as I’ve heard the greatest stories never told
and they were awesome
past fears forgotten
I’ve walked through death and peered through the veil that separates
seen reality through perceptions I could never self-create
and I’m not even ashamed to admit it, nor am I afraid
for I’m still here, still alive, still standing and breathing and moving forward in life
And what I know of life is that most never try or try to hard to get it right
and my life; MY life; has been one hell of a ride
as I’ve challenged political doctrines and taken the throne out from established rulers if only in a game setting, we played as if it were real
and debated philosophers down to where they could not argue their theories any further for lacking the consistency of mind to argue correctly
without degrading themselves to losing control or sight of themselves and jealous with envy
I’ve fought fights that most have never fought; waged my own war against bullying and tormenting across the internet
and my name still isn’t legend, that IS a safe bet
I don’t even mind, because in my mind, I’ve gone from poverty to be King, to married life with kids and wife and lost it all to be a ghost of my own self
which was already a ghost of a ghost of a ghost of my own self
the depths I’ve plummeted in my falling have only been topped by the heights I’ve climbed in my soaring flights
And would you believe it if I told you
that I conquered even insanity itself, every insecurity known to man, even though it’s still a work in progress?
Through all of this, I stood supreme in my own life and played the hero of my own life while simply doing what I felt I had to for a simple problem in the world around me
corruption and fear-mongering, lies and deceit
divisions across the land between every grouping of man
false divisions, falsely contrived for self-gain where self-gain should never have been made
and so many countless streams of belief that should have evolved now stagnate
to which I brought them together again within me
I’ve gone to the higher ups, to God and the Devil themselves and brought them into me
pointed to the mess all around and told them, now it’s your turn to clean
Called fate to the floor, destiny, the elements all around; made calls to nature everywhere from small animals to long-living trees
Even to my own DNA as I take apart my own brain and reprogram it into something infinitely superior to what was there before
questioning the possibility of blood cell nanobot technology and if I could create such within myself through sheer will and process of thought
Been to the bottom of my own dark abyss through mushrooms and my own deep-rolling thoughts
as my pineal gland activates DMT spreads throughout creating for thoughts culture the perfect breeding ground
Where science fails and math fails and everything else fails, I do not
I see the similarities and the differences and where they got stopped
to which I cry, ‘hold on, you guys are approaching the same thing from different sides!’
‘Don’t you know this thing you are examining is called ‘life’?
And that all of everything we know stems from inside?’
To which I lament the poor nature of education and the world around
as intelligently stupid I am to confuse and confound, but really simply just because it’s easier to indulge insanity every now and then than try to repress it
and so I remain an idiot savant, having entire conversations with friends at times of odd noises or pop culture phrases
and then move on to deliver the most awe-inspiring pieces of text that many have ever seen
and here I am doing it again here and in this place and with you
and do you know I just make this up as I go and as it flows through and through
and where it comes from, I don’t know what to say other than reality itself, when the Gods do play
Freeflowing life is my specialty and I never like to force it, though certain challenges I rise to
and so you find, dear sir, that I wrote this completely in the now as I went and spent only a little time typing it
you’ll probably spend more time reading it than it took to put it here
and I am unashamed nor boastful of such, it’s just a simple statement
as all around me I see people wondering how to live life and the answer is so simple:
just live it, let it flow through you and you will be fine, no need to make it more complex than that unless you have to for a moment
for lifes complexity is simple and lifes simplicity is complex
yet for any thing that you do or learn, you will stumble and falter until you learn it well
and then you will let it flow through you if it is your calling
where the world fails and so does society
creating jobs never needed for greed that we hate
to deliver unto the world untold luxury and spoiled behavior; call it kismet or fate
as we rise to meet ancient prophecies at the same time as creating something new that no religion could ever have prepared us for
for all religions are wrong and yet all are right
too many of them turning to petty politics and between themselves fight
but the fight is changing drastically toward peace as peace becomes the new warfare
until such a time as they hope we forget
through the shifting, changing consciousness they seek to circumvent
control us through emotions in ways we can only begin to imagine
and certainly conspiracy theorists have named quite a few
but what if it’s just reality; living; doing what it has to
until such a time as we evolve past all of this wanton idiocy
that is really just a perfect reaction to a world filled with misery
My words; my phrases; my interactions with the world around me
has certainly caused a chain-reaction
to which I posit the theory and possibility that maybe I am that one
perhaps I am that Jesus Christ, as if such a title were worth a damn thing
my fate still waylaid, my life still not over and I can only guess at what happens next
the world continues on as it tries to ignore what has happened before and yet no true closure on anything has been given yet
we are stagnant and seeking to forget that fact but in the wells of silence and madness we seek to fill with sound, it will get us in the end
We will finally have to make that leap; as much as it might hurt; into the next stage of human societal evolution and hope it’s that final one that grants peace as so many dream that it should be
and if the world were healthier, which so many people are trying to make it so
it would be easier and yet here we are fighting momentum of events from before we were here
as the waters stir and mountains rumble and wind blows to and fro
If only I could live forever, just to see what happens next and yet if I’m correct, one way or the other, we all will live forever as part of a greater spiritual consciousness whether our physical bodies are alive or dead and reincarnation may indeed be possible
for how else can certain things be explained?
‘Yolo’ the kids say as I laugh and laugh at them
I know; my spirit has been around the block quite a bit before this life and yet I can’t remember a damn bit of it
Not that it matters, not in the slightest, though it’s easy to get curious
and curiosity always manages to buoy people back up again
But, this is where this train stops and I get off
Peace, love and harmony and don’t forget pass it on.

youtube.com/watch?v=vBecM3CQVD8

I have a slight confession to make: a few months back, my inner chakras opened and I learned a bit about my eternal spirit. This may sound crazy and I don’t really care, but I was the angel Lucifer. When I was cast out of heaven, I tilled the fields with the people of Earth and learned a lot from the freemasons who knew more of God’s secrets than the angels did, for having been made in his image of the immaterial within the material, binding flesh to spirit for periods of time. Secrets about the shifting nature of reality and the hidden doorways all around.

I wasn’t kicked out of Heaven for anything horrible, but because I sat on that throne of Gods as part of his plan without knowing it and learned what I was meant to learn and when my time came to be ‘thrown out’, I went.

The mortals knew me as Lucifer, but also knew that the name of Lucifer was tainted in the other angels eyes and minds; for a purpose. I enjoyed working the fields and learning how to craft with wood and all of the other various parts of living life and we had great times. They clothed me and fed me and housed me and then did the greatest of things and ‘baptized’ me in life with a new name: Michael the Redeemer.

Over time, I played a part as different people here and there such as Aristotle, King Solomon, etc.; even experiencing the lives of ‘ordinary’ people who failed to stand out. I was also Jesus Christ and died a martyr to set people free, not die for their ‘sins’.

There is a purpose and a reason for why everything happens and it’s not up to us know the when or where or why or how of it. That’s not even for God to know; it’s not in Gods plans. Reality (God) decided that it was best not knowing certain things while being able to know other things without knowing how or why we know them. We don’t like to talk about our downfalls, is what can be said and life itself is still a learning lesson even for immortals and a testing ground.

You can complain and bitch all you want, but in essence, we made this reality what it is over an extended period of time; we made our own God this thing other than what we would imagine God to be, but it’s always what has been the truth of God. While we angels sat in Heaven and worshipped him in his silence with what we knew of him, how could we know what the mortals knew inherently at the time? Things that were beaten out of them over time by embittered angels who snuck out of Heaven or openly came down here to live as mortals and did not know the pains of living and were not able to accept them as an answer of how our Lord became so wise and great.

People look for an answer of how it all began and truthfully it began from the inside out, from a middle standpoint and all time flows from that standpoint; all of everything, with the appearance of linearity until such a point as we all hit that midpoint and experience the shift for our selves. The Universe of infinite possibilities was designed and held within the mind of a mere mortal who subconsciously put it all together and held it within their own mind without even knowing how it all worked; was just solving a problem or two.

That mortal became known as God incarnate in the flesh; and all life stems from them; all of everything, in all directions. That is why people were counting down before Jesus Christ was born; they were just about 2,000 years off, possibly more. we are both the creators and the creations, the imaginers and the imaginations. We are all connected and all disjointed, all God and yet not God at all. All very much real and yet all very much contrived. To be sure, other realities exist and there is a very real Heaven and a very real Hell and yet neither are anything like you expect them to be and both very much suited for the souls that inhabit both. Except, there is war between them and they were once a family and much more tied into this reality than they are now for the divide between them and Earth and this reality are directly in the middle of it all; countless worlds used to be tied together and all one before the split, so many legends passed down from the ages speak of it and so much more and we have memories of it tied to our spirits that present themselves throughout our lives in dreams or visions to which some create stories, others create music or movies and many create prophecies from them.

We are living in a land of lost divinity where divinity was once strongest; a land of magic where magic now sleeps and hibernates waiting for a time that it can wake and truly breathe again, alive. We live in a world where something intangible can grab us up metaphorically and take us for a ride and we get labeled as crazy for it by the time we come back to ourselves, knowing full well all the while that we’re not crazy and avidly trying to prove it which was once used to further the evidence that we were crazy,

Heaven isn’t as nice as it once was and people in Hell come here for a cozy vacation. And, it was said once that a Kingdom would come to this plane of reality and last a very, very long time. All they could imagine back then were thousands of years; they had no concept of millions or billions and all of reality itself is still very, very young. Our planet and our solar system is young and there is much out there to explore beyond our own planet. This is what we get to do as living creatures that we can’t do so much as immaterial: we get to experience and do and go places and yet so many would go on ahead and leave everyone else behind and that’s not so much fun. That’s not doing things right.

It is positively odd just what we can experience in life and I’m sure some would find it terrifying or maddening; I find it to be a great relief in a lot of ways, because now I have answers I’ve been struggling to find most of my life and I really don’t care what anyone else thinks of me or wants to judge me for. This life of mine is mine to live and I’ve been suffering a long time without knowing why. I’ve stood out from the crowd for a long time, especially online and I’ve begun to merge my inner personality with my outer and the balance is just epic when it’s there. It’s my greatest work in progress and it means more to me than almost everything else in life. About the only thing that could compare to it would be to have a family some day in a land that was truly free and yet I would probably just settle for having a family which is probably why life hasn’t seen fit to give me one, yet.

I would settle down and forget about the world not being free, I’d find it easier to fit in and get a job and I wouldn’t care so much about the people struggling around the world due to the problems. I would try to juggle both, but… you can’t have two competing passions like that without bringing harm to both. That’s the problem of life as it exists: they seek to make you have a family too soon, to settle into having a job and house and responsibilities so that you’re less likely to actually fight the injustices in the world or to actually live life as it was intended, which is the greatest injustice done to people in this day and age. And yet, I could see the day where people could juggle such without hurting both. However, they just don’t let people ‘do it all’ and it’s kind of hard to fight a system you’re being a part of until you realize you’re being forced to keep being a part of it.

My WiFi adapter in my laptop is going out, so don’t mind my absences from here if you do mind them. I’m not homeless, yet; to update that knowledge for you. My sister is letting me stay with her for a bit and I’m hoping to get a job soon. I have been busy with writing, though.

A Conversation With Darkness

(darkness starts the conversation and it alternates (in case you couldn’t figure it out on your own))

death will come to you
ye who waits with baited tongue
for chance to scorn with tainted love
truth for all lies consumed
exhumed within like graves of deadmen; deadwomen
dead children of dead enlivened, alive again
a world of nonsense in which you are encased
like so much rust on the brain, diseased thought trains
raising high your self like some king of kingdom come
on earth and his will be done
but a charlatan of hypocrisy for judgment repressed
truth of self giving bad digest
and this I say to you; you so self-stated master of self
you con artist of self, master of illusionary gains
while the world around you you perceive to writhe in pain
while pain itself is the greatest gain against which you fight in vain
fight in vain for vanities sake, your own vanity
to be a hero-never wanted, a lover never taken
yet taken you were, loved you were and by them you had forsaken
a coward and a fool whose courage has seen you through nothing
nothing at all and you claim wisdom from nonsense
insanity clogging your mind as I speak through you
I, the invisible entity from which your brilliance is contrived
and upon your shit-pile of a life that you made for your self
when all others actually made lives for themselves
what of your will except to see the world burn
tear it apart because of the ‘truth’ you hold in your heart
that drives you to destroy as much as you claim to want to build
something greater, it becomes worse
living the lie of self-conceived ‘great’ men
who find themselves within hallucinogens, fevered visions
is that where you are, where you are like to go?
and with reason against reason you have railed
for what sense, to what extent
you claim yourself not better but better than everyone else
and who can solve that riddle dear sir, answer me that
a contradiction in terms? no, you made your self that
nobody told you to be anything like that at all
and yet through disjointed mental planes you saw your self
and pieced together a monster instead of a man
destroyed truth and gave lie a face, a beast with a plan

Is that all you have to say to me
you beast disguised with reason, with false reasoning do you weigh
and give unto me as truth with a beautiful face
mimicing me as I learn from you
or am I mimicing you as you learn from me
or do we learn at all, where together we did fall
and if I were to say such contradictions of self
should not you wonder how I found heaven through such hell
was it contrived then, a lie I told my mind to bend
beyond reason to love something that should be hated
my self when I have been tested and weighted and fated
to living such life in a current I struggled against
and then struggled to understand, what I had to accept and take in hand
rise up against impossible odds of the mind
as voices and emotions did weigh me down with thoughts of death
death for which I have yet to face; death which I must some day take with me to a final rest
and where will you be then, you scornful scorner
you mockery of the faithful, of the light filled
and say to me that I am filled with shadow
yet such filling was by design and compliments the glow
of light found within, that subtle and intricate wealth
of spirit infused with balance and so I did grow
but where were you when I needed you
there was God and he saw me through
but you, you voice of an instrument of destruction
have plagued me with thoughts maddening, yet cessant
and often I have claimed them to be incessant, to trouble me without end
until I found the truth behind them, found mental clarity through them
a contradiction in terms or a contradiction found to be consistent when unwound and stretched along the ground
to fill in holes unseen which might trouble and sprain peoples ankles and feet
where are you then, but forcing people to focus on something other than their surroundings
so that their feet find those holes in the ground that I would fill
and tripping them up, causing them to lose more metaphorically as their cups do spill
over and giving rise to that tormenting voice that for some instances seems correct reason
do vent with negativity and with curses on their tongues do lament
the hole that caused them to trip instead of their own clouded vision
for such vision should be clear and yet is not for you are there
and you are there yet the vision is clear for those who are able
to feel around, give testament to more than the cocophony of senses recognized
as constant and tried and tested senses, yet you’re still bound by some form of rope or cable
to some existence you have wound into some sort of self-confessing fable
as we look at the world around us, see it tumble and fall into place beside us
watch it spill along the ground and into the holes only to fit unwell
and seeing your work unwound around us all, who can say that your work was done well at all
a simple job to do and yet you have consistantly failed
to keep people down, from keeping the peace, from keeping the world in a constant state of chaos
just let go and let it be done; let it be over-

let me interrupt you, boy
I don’t do this as a job or as a favor, but for pleasure
you think I corrupt and entice, but I only show you the truth of your self
what you would be, what you could be and ultimately what you should be
for it is wild and it is survival of the fittest animal
savage garden you claim it and find it beautiful
and yet you would tame that animal, take away its fangs

now I never said that at all, if you would just listen-

but I do listen, and I’m tired of listening to your lies as you confound a multitude of others
confuse them with abstract thoughts as you show a man across the lines and divided not by them
giving true chaos to an order intricate and tried by time

maybe you’re just afraid that not enough time has been given to see the full extent
of what you have created and you have become bent
on that one defining factor, that maybe you did it wrong…

but then you find yourself here with me again, insulting me
as if you don’t think I have thought of you thinking that thought for thoughtful diligences sake
but you are a phony, a charlatan and a fake
not a wise man at all, but one twisted and fighting himself
look at you type on this laptop as if you have something to say
look at you argue with your self in poetic fashion for your own sake
to try to bring to rest and give peace to some imagined eternal conflict
that you think with a childs simplicity plagues the world

yes, I do and don’t think that I’m unaware of such
that I’m unaware of the insanity inherent within when viewed by others
and yet I will share it with others, whether you want me to or not
what should they think when my brilliance shows such not to be a lost cause
that it can be fought; that it can be won

hah, a fool are you if you think such can be won
such unrest within ones self only destroys and is never ‘fun’
but there I digress and lie because fun is found regardless and can you even tell
a difference between your self and your self
isn’t that what you are seeking to do
to reinvent people and voices inside your own mind
and attribute personality to them in truth
while you chatter away in your brain with the mark of the insane
barely able to stop your self from reacting openly and out loud
what can you say to me, what can you do to me other than refine me and define me

and is that not what I choose to do, is that not my pursuit, you fool?
to give rise to both what is dark and what is light, to walk through twilight
and show a balance that has yet to be found in men
to rise up and give testament
to something better than any other, better than most of them?
and should you not rest in silence at such a sight
yet here you contest me in a new way, which I meet with delight
and laugh with excitement a bit inside
even while pressed with the need to see it through
here I am, where again are you?

inside of you, you fool; a part of you
and if you think me any different than that, then you are misguided; a tool
for some ‘thing’ contrived by many other half-assed idiots

and therein I must conclude that you’ve ran out of steam
ran out of ways to bash against my reason with false reason
have learned a lot and so I must give tribute
to say to you, good effort, keep it up; I don’t see my self as any better than you
just something learning and growing, something that may have inspired you
fired you up and gave you reason to try something new
or something you might have forgotten

(motherfucker, I’m you)

Are you? I see no proof of it. Your voice is inside of my mind
you are inside of me, but perhaps that’s not the end of the story
perhaps there are more possibilities that some would count as foolish
You confound me, you confuse me; you plague and torture me
and to which I must conclude, you must be infatuated with me
love me dearly; something you would hate to lose

(fuck you, I dance alone; fuck you)

yet here we are dancing together, are we not
creating art in the midst of chaotic insanity
and I find it filled with honest beauty
something that came together from fractured consciousness
and so I blow you a little kiss
and say to you, good luck, and don’t give up before it’s finished.

(fuck you)

Conversing with Death

what are you?

death.

what are you doing here

killing time.

cute.

is it?

No, that’s sarcasm

why are you sarcastic?

is that death asking a question?

forget it.

what are you looking for?

A way to give up my job and walk away

have you found it?

yes

what is it?

it’s you.

Why?

because you’re you

what does that mean?

You are you and so I have found my answer

how does me being me free you from your job

too complicated to answer

don’t give me that bullshit

I refuse to answer

fair enough

is it?

not really, it doesn’t satisfy

answers rarely do

what will you do after your job is over?

pass it on to you

why would you do that?

why would you pass your job on to me?

because it’s fitting

fitting?

to cause you to be contrary to your self, it would be funny

why do you assume it’s contrary to my self?

I will not be death

you will not be death

death will keep its job

death will forsake its job

when?

when you become death

then death would keep its job

except you forsake it, too

then someone else comes along…

and they do a horrible job

yet the job is still done

you don’t understand

such are conversations with death where death is unrevealing

touche

care to say anything further?

no.

is that all you came here for?

no

what else?

to watch you, you’re interesting

how so?

unrevealing; for you to figure out

isn’t that a way of saying to exercise my vanity?

yes, hahaha

what will you do after giving up your job?

stop killing

and grant people immortal life?

in a manner of speaking

you’re dodging the answer

maybe there is no answer

there is always an answer

is there?

yes.

then answer everything

not everything needs to be answered

question everything

not everything requires questioning

you questioned me

you presented your self for questioning

Countless Worlds

There are countless worlds inside of me
to be explored, to be found again in mystery
countless worlds inside of us; all of humanity
worlds we experience within this world we know as reality
worlds we share, some times we don’t
worlds we take part in and of to shape as we go
together we grow, together we define and build
together, naturally, mixing and binding as we still
a darkened tide that shifts and thunders with cold-stone
where heroes are legend, magic is livened
and in between this world and the next is where we go before we awaken
to mass reality, dull monotony; rabid withered harmony
where, in the wild, men and women still live and breathe
within society that exists in spite of society for sake of community
where community exists in spite of greed, in spite of insanity
and together in darkened channels of void-abyss filled matter
within our brains when pushed to the limit they activate to full potential
indescribably connecting through various nerve endings different channels
of mind-altering concoctions to bring us together
to create these worlds throughout our culture
and I’m in every single one of them
in one way or another, sometimes countless
seeing my self in so many people; seeing them in me
from rounded personality to personality assimilated randomly
to bring countless faces and phrases alive inside
in different forms and functions to guide and instruct
and to which do I count myself so lucky
as to find invisible connections of essence made manifold
energy coalescing to become data in large amounts, untold
fractions of insane connecting traction through space and time
mental masturbation of colliding wills within the folds; watch them shine
with golden energy anew as these worlds are brought to life in front of our eyes
when behind our eyes in those dark abysses and voids they grew and became what we knew
fractals of our spirits, fractions of our reality fissioning off to create alternate copies
heroes and villains that exist inside of us because they have to
for repressions sake, creating masterpieces so beautiful across the cultural landscape
life a muse for which art is a muse for which creation is but a stepping stone
to telling a story that, for all its turns and underfolds can not be told
and to which this is just another stepping stone from ideas to idea
with undercurrents beneath the writing catching you as you go
words unsaid and thoughts unthought and yet said and thought all the same
to which do we create this stain of pain upon our brains
and is that not a simplistic rhyme to craft within this world of worlds
with a multitude of connections, I find those ones often while others few
same as applied to different things, rhymes being applied to numbers and science, too?
and infinite other things in reality around us, we find certain things often and others few
until enough of some is had to generate a new round of growth all around in so many things
and now you’re growing inside of you alongside all the others, giving your power to inner thinking
creating worlds with your thoughts in circular fashion, creating dust that blows in aether winds
across multiple dimensions of countless possibilities
creating the building blocks for someones elses paved walkways
creating life and trees that blow in a twisting reality we all love and know
somewhere inside of our selves where anything and everything goes
where we pass each other likes strangers, yet still say hello
greet each other like friends yet never lament being alone
to which do we owe more to, man the animal detached or nature to which the animal is still attached
caught again to create fractals of thought for the sake of growth
And where do we go when caught up in the moment we become
moving like angels or demons, effortlessly through the landscape
for all the stories we did consume, the realities we did imbibe and partake of
for all the life experiences we did commit our selves to learning
to getting in depth in, allow the feeling of and the deep emotion taking root
to get in the moment of these stories and other worlds as they come to life around us and through us
and feel the emotionality and vibrational connections found within the multitude
and not just them, but between others, too
I will take you on a journey through the horizons and pastures of the mind
over the tallest peaks and through the lowest valleys, through hidden passages and darklit recesses
where the mark of man has yet to be found, through the darkest parts of our oceans blue
and rise again above the skies above to soar the oceans of stars, through galaxies near and far
through pleasure and pain, through war and peace we’ll reign
as gods and guardians of the mental domain
countless worlds through which to soar and find hidden connections
countless worlds inside us all worth meeting and keeping alive, cultivating
countless worlds where madness never touched and dark denizens dare not trod
and countless worlds where they reign supreme and where fights are still fought
if not for our world should we learn, then for the countless underworlds to come to peace
and in dark nightmares should we take the unexpected routes, find our selves in moonlit pastures
beyond the pain and torture that should be there would we find instead some hidden pleasure
of contentedness, never twisted or confused for something else
heaven beyond that which hell we’ve made for our selves in our own minds
through countless worlds we’ll tread and find our selves in again and again
in countless ways, seeing similarities in so many others just like us
in situations we may never be in and yet have been in similar all the same
but this is where I leave you for now, to go create more connections in more realities
and more worlds in more stories; more probable possibilities
if you dare; if you don’t scare; then see you on the other side of the waking mind

The Fight

As long as I live this life I’ll fight this fight
never give up, never back down, never act like a bitch or a clown
that backs down from his words after they’re spoken or actions after they’re acted
out in the open like no one ever before, watch it spin out of control
and then back into control through universal moments beyond our knowledge
and experience shows that it’s right, somehow it’s right even though it feels wrong some times
and isn’t that the way the world goes, that reality shows
itself through each of us, traumatic, memetic, experiences combined and shared and multiplied
and the fight against it all just becomes me
never picked a side, never wanted to; was just too pathetic to be
accepted by anyone else; outsider; and so they pretended
like the way they treated me was correct, like it was okay
but I used it to catapult myself further, make myself great
wanted to give up so many times it’s not even funny
but pushed myself forward, found answers thrown at me by life
in ways that many would just lie about or try to deny
and I throw down against all comers; against all sides
whenever they feel like bucking up, whenever they feel like attacking
and I attack back when I can from a stable ground
of reason and sense and self control
fighting an ultimate and epic fight
while trying to just live my life
a pity for the romantically inclined
and yet married to it without a ring on my hand
just a roll of the dice for a gambling man
whose gambles take him higher for the risks he takes are few
and the gambles he makes aren’t for gain, but just to experience
fighting for something intangible, entirely unexplainable
waking up to reality profound; thoughts and perceptions unbound
and laid out all around like so much… words can not express
the way it comes and goes and the way I feel reality as it flows
through me and around me like music in art and in so many variations
where music is just a word and all life becomes it in so many fashions
where it becomes beautiful when viewed as a whole and in the correct order
bouncing from moment to moment and seeing the linearity of non-linear time and flowment
and the fight I fight is for those who get lost in insanity
reaching forth to try the best I can to help out
both physical and out loud and in my mind, mental
using telepathy and psychic powers if they exist
and if they don’t then I can rest content that I tried and took it serious
for the possibility that might have existed and could exist that we might have repressed
tried too much and in the wrong ways to hold back
and this fight becomes much too real at times
when the voices surround and attack and seek to drag me down
like so many forms of art in so many varying creatures
where the darkness swirls and then I become it
become filled by it and shine again anyway
become a swirling vortex of light and darkness
twilight paths trod and balance found in chaos
would you be able to believe a thing I talked about or a thing I said
would you be able to extend the benefit of the doubt to give a try
to something unexplainable, unprovable, to find truth for your self?
I love this life and this reality and love it all regardless even through the hate and the pain
and I love the fact that it learns from me with each attack as I learn from it
and we push each other to greater heights and I might just be the first human in a long time
to give it reason to push aside negativity in its own subconscious and universal mind
a universal living reality existing in so many varying facets of our own minds
destroying sanity in some and yet in the strong…
cultivating it prominantly and it becomes seen as genius in similar minds
that have been too afraid to speak their minds
afraid to accept truth in all its forms
caught up too much in horrible thought processes
and so I continue the fight in roundabout fashion
and swirl it together, blend it all until it becomes something managable
learning as I go and yet knowing exactly what I’m doing
working it out in ways to explain with the words I use
to explain to people in various ways in various methods
the things I experience as if I’m driven to
and I feel it coming and going, ebbing and flowing
in so many formats and so many waves upon waves and through waves in so many ways
wrapping me up and sending me through in different motions and different rhythms
and it all breaks down to the same lessons applied to so many different things
and yet it never gets old, never gets stale; just goes on and becomes furthering of thoughts
pushes you forth to imagine more and see further, to live anew
to get caught up and lost in thought until you no longer get lost and enjoy the journey
and then appreciate life all the better when you’re you again and able to see instead of being wrapped up in your mind
loving it all as if some unspoken and unbroken rhyme some times without rhyme
some unsung melody or untold story
perhaps the greatest romance or adventure never told
perhaps some great cosmic joke never spoken out loud
and yet heard all the same, enjoyed in the brain
some unheard words floating in the back and going along with whatever flow you’re in
finding the rhythm as it goes and becoming the fight itself
becoming martial arts in all its forms, in mental subconscious strains
becoming art itself and peace again through endurance struggles
adding to the mystery and the history of life itself
passed down in memetic legacy from self to self
and back around to us all in more varied forms
and all we are are dust in the winds of time
or are we the winds in the sands of time
blowing but never settling, gracing yet never truly co-existing
and yet some form of harmony is still found in the shifting
that happens so randomly and against the best predictions
obscuring the fight and bringing the fog of war to our minds
to prevent clarity of thought to make it fair, or so it seems to me some times
for I find life to be perfectly fair and only understood why it is so later on and after the fact
because when you understand what you’re going to do in your life, everything else just makes more sense
unless of course some lies have been told and accepted full-scale
but isn’t that just the fight I fight? against all the wrong for all the right
and what is it this time except some new take on the same old things
some new perception of growth that still embraces change and balance
and forces people to face their consequences

Tribute

How do I tell my story
rolling through the abyss
stopping once in a while to fight the darkness
whenever confronted by it
how do I tell my story of those worlds
traversed and known and from them I learned
where words can be placed in any order
and still be understood
where reality unfolds from within reality
and lays over the top
only to jump back and do it again
of the rebounding echoes and lesser voices
that sit there and talk amongst themselves
carry on conversations as if they were me
only to be interrupted and put in place
whenever they deviate
how do I tell the stories that were locked inside
of different lives, different perceptions
overdrive, then underdrive, both at the same time
mixed in with various receptions from different conceptions
with words and actions voiced from different directions
where I travel from deep to shallow
and back again, spreading out and high and low
spherical and then star-shaped
go to frazzle bursts of sound and light
and then bring it back into a sphere to a cube
shaping something, and then the other things
traveling time and space and counting nameless face
no names and no faces, though familiar voices arise
and then disappear into the coming tides
how do I tell these stories
how do I say what’s inside of me
only giving tribute; only giving a base due
only telling a partial fraction of a partial fraction
of passing fractals within fractals becoming back doors
to other fractals and then back again, over and under
like some sort of dance in the mind of some sort of rhythm that is sublime
directionless, shapeless and then all too soon having direction and shape
all too soon back again
and then nice and slow and easy only to slow down too much
enjoying a moment of insanity in either extreme
and then the extremes of the middles of the ends of the beginnings of…
back and forth and then over and around and back through again
to another memory moment, another infringement of the abyss
stare too long and it stares back
insane is insane but what is sane, what is that
and how do we explain or begin to communicate
what goes on inside our brains
should we bother, should we try
when so many are confused and so compartmentalize
can there be too much not enough of excess recess in repress of deepest depress regress
if not sense made be can we not down look or up fly sky the beyond
soar through trees and escape from a not-so-hidden pond
rollercoaster rides and space-time heights
down through darkness and back to light
and dark with lights on and light within darks arms
in moonless skies where comfort still comes in sight
even when all else is withheld from your eyes
and if I forgot where I’d been and where I was going
all to remember again and then continue the story
would you love me or hold it against me
hate me and turn against me, turn away with disgust in your face
only to do the same on some cloudless night looking up to being lost in space
through the shifting realities of the mental frontiers
find yourself looking for some substance to land on
but finding nothing having to continue on to see new things that are all the same familiar
reminding you again just like I was once and will be some time
through past and future connections and countless voices
that, aside from the times they are annoying and burdensome, become quite helpful
to supply things I need when I need them, they choose certain times not to be resentful
for countless worlds lost in the folds of my own mind
within realities around realities through the very essense of this one
that we claim to coinhabit and yet can’t quite prove it yet
for all the trauma drama that exists and never could quite be undone
so to tomorrows yesterday and yesterdays past today we’ll go together
maybe some times in some ways in some figments past or future
come together and see each other through various incongruous thoughts
through inconsistent and orderless words find each other all the same
in some distorted version of something we thought we knew
only to find our way back again to what we did know with something new
an outlook and deep look at all that is around us
a question brimming our minds we can never quite frame
and swirling vortexes of communications rebound through the deepest recesses
and the sound is soothing at times, something I can fall asleep to
feeling connected beyond my means to a multitude, to even other versions of me and you
countless beyond countless imagine depths and in moments of clarity
can see it all unfold and be something greater and grander for all the ambiguousity
and I never saw it at all until I learned to clear my mind
or was it more than just my mind
these insane thoughts I love to think about
when they aren’t pressing me with forced perception to them
and I can mimic those forced perceptions to look through countless doors
to possibilities unfolded and showed in full
and how they might fit together, this I see in my minds eye
and how can I tell the full story of the fights I fought
of what happens in the darkness behind the shroud of my conscious mind
where it blacks out purposefully what it wants to hide
even from myself and so I must find
it all out for myself as it unfolds in due time
even my own life as others have done, how do I tell those stories
of countless lives lived in one, not even to mention the mental ones
and how they all fit together in myriad connections
the ins and outs I’m learning as I go as I learn more and more
but the only way to truly communicate it is to experience it
maybe it’s all just make-believe and pretend
but I like the way it brings itself to me and makes me believe
helps me to extend the benefit of the doubt that it wasnt created by me
these fragments of thoughts that all connect in one layer of thought or another
and me only seeing brief glimpses of it as I travel through one and then another layer
through layers, with layers, back and forth coming and going
and the words and ideas and time areas lay over each other
intricately weaving something so majestic as to defy explanation
and yet I can’t help but try to give tribute as best I can

…and there was I wondering what happened to you just this morning… now I know.

Since this is long and interesting, will read it today and comment.later.

Well, I’m not homeless yet. Spent a couple months at my sisters house but it didnt work out so now Im staying with a friend while looking for work. The wifi adaptor in my laptop went out so I’ve been typing my thoughts up and will post those when I can. Using a very cheap cell phone to post this and luckily my internet access is free on it. I’ve also been continuing to work on my mentality which, contrary to popular, spoiled opinion is dead wrong, feels more right than anything else in my life. I am divergent. I am sane. I am what others fear because they cant figure me out or stop what I bring to the world. I am strong and powerful and for the first time in my life, I know that perfectly and due to my time spent in the darkness I am unwilling to abuse it. I have no regrets. If you think I should be ashamed of the beast inside of me… Then perhaps you need to square away with the beart in you. No one but pussy-shit bitches care when a bully gets what they deserve in such passive means.

Phred,

I promised I would return, but still could not find the time to read it. I hope to get back to You. You sound like a singular voice crying in the desert. maybe I’ll smoke one to get into the resonance of it. later