Higgs Boson goes into a church,m and is confronted by the priest.
“We don’t want your sort in here, you’ll upset the whole congregation.”
“But”, answer Higgs Boson, “you can’t have Mass without me!”
Why did Lt. Uhuru smell so bad?
Because WIlliam Shat-n-her.
Definition of a extroverted computer nerd: he looks a the girls shoes when he’s going out with her.
‘’’
How many theoretical physicists does it take th change a light-bulb?
Two: one to hold the light bulb and the other to rotate the universe.
How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the light bulb and the other to hold my peni… sorry hold the ladder.
No, I think that the cat is saying “My God, you’re naked”. That’s more the look on his face. 
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “its no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”. The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied " I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to out run you"!
Es verdad…
It’s not very funny but…
I was trying to remember a joke so I typed this in to Google:
[size=120]what happens when you put a black hole in a wheelie bin?[/size]
THis is what I got…
stoke.gov.uk/ccm/navigation/ … recycling/
I did not see “black hole” listed there!
Well I thought it was funny at the time.
You need to come up with something - even your own punch line. I bet you can make it funny or witty or philosophical. You have a scientific mind so you could do it.
Does the opposite apply
[i]Wheelie Bins and Black HolesPost 3
Steady-State Richard
Posted Aug 21, 2001
On no account should you try to fill black holes with rubbish,
or any other matter.
They simply grow bigger and more dangerous.[/i]
Its not a joke its situational comedy: you have to be there.
funny stuff so far 
[size=150]So true, huh[/size] 
This isn’t a one liner, or even a joke, and certainly not funny, but I thought it belongs here:
Just off the presses: two philosophers got into a heated argument today, while discussing Kant in a Moscow suburb, and while the dialogue got heated, one of the participants whipped out a gun and shot the other philosopher. He is in critical condition.
That most certainly is funny! “Oh yeah? Suck on this categorical imperative, bitch!”
Meet you in the alley, after class, oh, I forgot, you don't have any!
Is it a class act to call someone classless by equivocating the term ‘class’?
Equivicating always has class because it presents an opportunity for a way out. If you don’t’t like one side of the equation, you can always retreat to the other.
Double meanings are often a comfort, because the intended meaning is made into a kind of humoresque, provided the intendee is not locked into one side of the equation presented by the intendor.
This may perhaps already be in here but since I do not have the time to check - it’s still good for a laugh…
Descartes went into a bar and had a drink. When the bartender asked Descartes if he wanted another one, Descartes said: “I Think Not!” ------ and disappeared.
Well, I do think that’s rather funny.
It is funny, Arcturus, but it may be even a little more funny if before he disappeared, after he said "I think not" , he added indiscernibly , as oif speaking to himself, .....therefore I am not."
A philosopher steps into a nail parlor and asks for a nail job. The girl looks at him and his long yellow nails and says “it’s been a while since you’ve been here, isn’t it?”
So the philosopher says “no philosopher steps into the same nail parlor twice!”
A great joke. I made it up myself.
IDIOT BARBARIANHORDE LOL
OOOPS .WAIT ,
OH NO
DAMIT
NOT AGAIN !! 
NOT ME !!!
FUCK !!
A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of southern Arkansas and was visiting one particular farmer. He was standing, alongside of the farmer, leaning on the corral rail - as he always did before pitching “the new line of tractors” - and looking at all of the farm animals in the barnyard. Seeing one particular pig, he said: “Say, that sure is a fine hog, but, you know, I have never seen a pig with one wooden leg before.” The farmer said: “You see, that there pig is one valuable animal, I can tell you. That there hog saved my life three times.”
“The first time was about a month ago. My wife fried potatoes for supper, just the way I like them, and left the frying pan on the stove. About midnight or so, the pig must have smelled the smoke, but be broke out of his pen, butted the house door open with his snout, woke us up and we got out of the house just in time.”
“And it wasn’t but two weeks later and I was mowing on the back forty and I tipped the tractor over and it pinned me under the rear wheel. Gas was leaking out of the tank onto the hot manifold and that pig must have heard me yelling, because he broke out again, ran up to me, saw what had happened, ran to the neighbour, got help and the neighbour came with his tractor and pulled me free.”
“And just last week, I was leading the old dairy bull out to pasture, and he raised up and pulled the ring out of his nose and, quick as two shakes of a dog’s tail, he knocked me down. He jumped on me and straddled me with his horns and was about to gore me, when the old pig heard what was going on, broke out again, ran up, got a firm hold on the old bull’s tail and I got away.”
Losing his patience, the salesman finally shouted, “All right already, That’s enough! He’s a really great pig - a REALLY great pig! But what about his wooden leg?!”
“No son, ya see, a pig that special…you just don’t eat him all at once.”