Abstract was many things. Among those things, he was a nihilist preoccupied with egodeath, in addition to being a schizophrenic. Frankly, I’m not surprised he killed himself, in fact, other than fuse, I’m the only one who saw it coming.
From his belief that the microcosm contained the macrocosm, to his rejection of labels and rigidity, to his preoccupation with transgender and universal brotherhood, Abstract didn’t have a strong sense of identity, of self, it seems like he didn’t particularly enjoy being alive and being himself… resisting, struggling.
Life requires effort and a strong sense of self, of division, of separateness, all things he attempted to overcome via his philosophy. His ideal person was a watery one, one that could transform into others at will, one that encompassed all psychosocial variations within itself, a doppelganger of sorts, a mime, a shapeshifter, a voyeur.
What is death but a releasing, a letting go, transitioning from a relatively fixed, stable form, composition and constitution to a relatively transient one with infinite, unlimited potential to become anyone and anything?
Even schizophrenia and his belief that he could broadcast, transmit and receive thoughts was a blurring of the lines between self and other. What is schizophrenia but a breakdown, a fragmenting, a splitting, where the lines between the subjective and objective, between pathos and logos, between fantasy and reality, future, present and past, there and here, you and me, them and us begin to collapse. It’s a disordering of the mind, and what is order but the opposite of balance and equilibrium, order more this than that, disorder more this, that and the other, occupying the same space and time? I’m not sure what experiences and genetics lead to this disposition (possibly negative ones?), I was aware of his essence, but not necessarily what brought it about.
Many people view suicide as a form of supreme selfishness and hedonism, of wanting to escape pain and suffering and caring little for the pain and suffering others will experience in your absence. However, there’s another perspective which may apply to Abstract. Suicide could be seen as the deepest form of altruism and asceticism, where one ends his form, choosing to feed the world with his nutrients, or, less Abstractly and more personally, one perceives oneself as a burden on others and doesn’t wish to burden them any longer.
Suicide is not something arbitrary or incidental to Abstract’s life, suicide was the deepest expression and manifestation of who and what Abstract was. Even his name, Abstract, was an indication of who and what he was. He didn’t want to be concrete, a particular, a monad with a strong sense of self and identity, of life, as life requires resisting the flow and transience of things. Rather, he wanted to blend in, to join, to merge, to lose himself in others and in the whole.
In summary, his philosophy and his personality was very Buddhist and nihilistic. He was very genuine, as his philosophy was an expression of his deepest self and longings, a philosophy preoccupied with death and the absolute nothing, everything or chaos as opposed to western philosophies and religions which are more preoccupied with the absolute something or order, each which is nowhere apparent in the world (absolutes, absolute nothing, everything or something). Life is the dynamic interplay of these two extremes, and he gravitated towards the former which is perhaps the more prevalent force in the world.