I did not mean to make such an accusation. It’s just that I have met people who have had psychotic experiences and many don’t remember the details, specially what happened during the episode. Perhaps you gathered this info partly based on what doctors said, police/hospital records, family recollections, and checked it against your own memory of the event.
You do not have to tell me your diagnosis either and perhaps that was an intrusive question and I apologize. The only reason I asked that, is I glanced through the document and thought I may have missed it. Also, that some psychotic episodes are only drug related, while others (schizophrenia, bipolar) can occur on a regular basis and significantly influence the quality of life. I have read some of your posts and I find it difficult to imagine you were that same person who went through so much: you come across as very intelligent, and like you have your shit together better than most “healthy” people. Kudos to you!
Wow, WWIII, you were really like that? I mean, I know nothing about you except that you have a family and seem to be a pretty reasonable guy. I have to say, I couldn’t help but laugh at some of the craziness that went on. Britney Spears… But I don’t doubt that it was a dark time for you. You made one remark about your dad and how sad it makes you feel thinking back on what it must have been like for him. That kinda made me feel sorry for you and all the pain it caused. When did you write all that down? What happened after that crazy car chase and your arrest?
I didn’t take your statement as an accusation but a rather casual sentiment of mild disbelief… 
Yes you’re right I luckily remember my episode almost as vividly as it was occurring, which is why I wrote it down. I wrote about a year or so after I started stabilizing. For the first few years of my ascent, I ran my psychotic thoughts and actions over and over in my head. I did so out of awe of my craziness, I found the time interesting on many levels. It was funny at times, highly dangerous, embarrassing and somewhat “unbelievable” that this occurred to me. I did get some help in sorting out the chronology of some minor events, some of it kinda of blurred together, but nearly everything I wrote is on my own recollection and is accurate, particularly because I couldn’t get it all off my mind. I think this is good, it was best for me to deal with it, analyze it and confront it. Of course that help me put it behind me, at least as much as possible. Your observations on my demeanor today are appreciated of course - and I would have to give a lot of my current success in life as a result of how I coped with the psychotic break and confronted it. Today I likely have minor residual effects that often go by undetected, sometimes I become aware and ponder if I am in plight or beginning some downward spiral but its been 6-7 years since my upswing and I have since began a crusade of knowledge which helps my overactive mind I suppose. Back when I was a teen prior to all this madness I did a handwriting analysis at the county fair and the computer “spat” out a reading of my personality similar that resembled a Richter scale reading, with high sharp points indicating a more powerful aspect of my personality. There was one category labeled over imaginative, or imaginative ( I don’t remember which) and the reading went off the piece of paper. I find that funny considering I ended up creating my own reality nearly devoid of all truth, purely from my “imagination”.
As far as my diagnosis, I have been given the label of having: Schizo Affective Disorder, Bi-Polar II, Psychosis, dually diagnosed (and that dual diagnosis is yes, due to marijuana)
You seem to have experience with mental illness, what is your tale on that?
Oh I still laugh at some of this stuff, I mean you just gotta. That of course is a great thing to be able to do, to come out of this and point back and laugh. And hey… Britney Spears used to be different My dad had his issues too, though not like mine. I’ve come to grips with it, what I wrote then was prior to his passing a year ago in January. Since this writing, which was 4-5 years ago, I’ve made amends. He was a tough man who’s seen it all, with 9 kids, worked in a steel mill night shift for 40+ years and grew up in the great depression, so he took it better than I probably would today, if my son did this.
But yes overall it was dark and the story didn’t end where I left off. Jail time had some interesting tid bits. I was on 23 hour lock down, they had me naked for the first day or too with a large paper towel to cover myself… I think because I said something crazy to the security guard that escorted me to my cell about his melting star of david necklace and that he wanted to burn in hell forever. Anyways I spent about 40 days in jail, my dad wouldn’t bail me out rightfully so, because I wasn’t ready to come out, I made some “friends” in population, in that I was a crazy ass mf’er who got away with watching what I wanted on the one TV for one hour a day and changed it without any complaints to the news, even though they were all huge Laverne and Shirley fans, or something. But that was a minor struggle, some little guy picked a fight with me which was funny, but I didn’t fight. The rest would have to be told later when I finish the story. Anyways I got out of jail, went back to therapy, took my pills, got better, got a job, got married, got a better job, moved, got raises, had a child, and here I am talking about logic and philosophy with you fine intellects. Or so.
I have this idea that my mind is rather fragile and that the things I think about combined with stress combined with irregular sleep and diet makes me ripe for developing a serious mental disorder like schizophrenia or something. For the past few years, I’ve been pushed to the limit with stress, lack of interest in things that normal people care about, irregular sleeping/eating habits, errant attention and the inability to focus, and intermittent periods of ferocious thinking and insight. I get this feeling sometimes and I’m on edge. I mean I already went through a minor depression toward the end of high school, struggled with high anxiety and a mood disorder, and I’m at the perfect age for the onset of something nasty like schizophrenia. I just feel mentally vulnerable. The funny thing is, the idea of going through something like that more intrigues me than scares me. I’m not saying I would welcome it.
yes, this is true, I remember those days…she was pretty sexy and I was only like 10 
…back when Poke’mon was cool (for 10 year olds) and when NSYNC was big (that was my favorite band for a year or so…lol)
=D>
I’m looking forward to all these things.
Oh, well, really I try to be modest about my intellect, but, since you mention it, I suppose it is something fine (not to mention towering). I was in a humanities scholarship program at school and it seemed to me that the program was full of pretentious students and faculty…surprise. I liked being around intelligent people, but I can’t stand that air of arrogant pretension and I have always spurned the invitation of cliques. As for cliques, I just don’t like falling in with that kind of group identity. It feels too closed off and I can’t be bothered to observe clique “rules”. Ironically, because I used to be anxious in social situations and because I have always enjoyed solitude and time alone, I have often ended up isolating myself socially – which makes me far more closed off than any clique – but at least I have never been subsumed by some pretentious group identity…eff that.
I studied psychology in college, but also I have dealt with your run-of-the-mill anxiety/depression symptoms and all that crap. My sister has paranoid schizophrenia though. I rarely see her and she doesn’t remember much about her psychotic episodes and is also not open like you are with your experiences…she rarely talks to me…or anybody, for that matter.
That last sentence, wow…
Well being consciously aware of being susceptible to such a disorder is already half the battle. It will help you make choices to avoid further regression, if you choose to. Of course depression can be alluring thing and it can consume an individual and finally break them. Tread carefully. The early 20’s are trying. Your just beginning the rest of your life and here your career path begins. It is also a struggle, you won’t make much money and you’ll need a lot, and there are a lot of expenses that you’ll have to learn how to manage. Trial and error for the 20’s. If you’re still at home dependent upon family, well I’m sure you probably don’t want to be either, so that in itself is its own challenge to overcome. Work is medicine for the soul, pride can deter you from jobs you may consider beneath you. One will have to give. “Intelligence is not enough. Intelligence plus character, that is the true goal of education.”- Martin Luther King
Sounds unfortunate, maybe she would talk to someone she could identify with.
Nihilism has actually become a comforting thought when I am stressed – that things need only matter insofar as I think they matter. But that’s not quite right. I suppose I have been deceiving myself into thinking I don’t care when it is biologically determined that I do care. It’s a dangerous line to walk, but it helps me not to sweat the small stuff. For the big things, I have to remind myself that there are good reasons why they are big and why they matter.
And how’s the nihilism working out for you today? Progressing any?
Yeah, slowly, thanks for asking.
I would still say I’m a nihilist, but there’s no reason nihilism has to or should define me forever. What I am doing now is trying to get my life moving again (as opposed to being in stagnation like it has been). As things progress, I’ll be bringing into focus my values. It will take time, but over a period of years my values will solidify and I won’t feel much like a nihilist anymore. My values will remain more or less consistent and I will begin to unconsciously think of them as objective or certain. They won’t be objective or certain, but they will be as good as…
WWIII, I read your entire 12 1/2 pages–did you write that as part of your therapy? It seems to have been published in some sort of journal to which I have no access.
No matter, I read it and I appreciate your posting it. You have humanized MI and I hope it teaches people to the point where they’ll stop using terms they think they understand to define things they really don’t understand at all. I hope you’ve also taught that suffering an MI isn’t a reason to be stigmatized in any way. It happens to both the best of us and the least of us–there is no differentiation.
Did you ever finish the journal?
Thank you. I’ve gotten a little further I was actually looking to publish with chipmunka publishing in London who specialize with Mental Illness writings but with work and an inability to refine it to my standards which are probably a little too high I have been slacking on it. But this wasn’t really part of my therapy, I wrote this all down after everything occurred, at least a year after I was recovered so to speak, off medication and thinking clearly. But it was therapeutic also. I still run through those days in my head, meditating on it, kind of keeping it fresh in my mind and making sure I don’t forget what exactly I went through as well.
I read the whole thing too, and also thought about suggesting you publish it. If anything it’s an engaging read.
How have you managed to not relapse despite coming off medication? - since the time you did that in what you wrote, you relapsed.
It’s interesting how a lot of it makes sense to me, in the sense that I’ve experienced similar things myself - only without the violence and probably not quite to the same degree as you did. Perhaps things like violence are the difference between mental illness and mental healthiness, and perhaps severity of episode.
Experimenting with a fair few types of drugs didn’t seem to affect me - are you so sure that weed definitely had something to do with your condition? Probably a widely debated subject, I know, perhaps it’s one of those things that reacts more with certain genes than others. But atm I’m inclined to think drugs don’t cause mental illness, but rather those with a propensity toward mental illness are more likely to get into drugs.
I think you asked if I relapsed? Or are you telling me I relapsed? I’ve had minor residual effects since then, probably continuing through today. I think the voice in my head though is clearly not the voices of other people, and while it is a voice in my head of voices of other people, I understand this and recognize it as such. Its very quiet and very faint. Its almost as if I even have to strain to hear it when it does occur, to understand what it is. I understand though that it is just my projection of other people being thought out in my head as if they were actually speaking. Sometimes I’m not sure I overhear people or if it is a voice I made up, such as when I’m at the grocery store or something. Usually it happens with people I don’t know. Usually its about me. So its very ignorable. Nobody will ever know I’m experiencing it. I could say it never occurred at all, and nobody else would think it did, it doesn’t change me.
The intensity of these residual effects increases drastically after smoking marijuana, it is blatantly obvious that marijuana increases my symptoms. I couldn’t say it caused my symptoms though. It certainly seems to be a genetic predisposition with my mother suffering from hallucinations after some stressful period in her late life and she never smoked marijuana.
Forgot to address this, in short no.
If someone slapped you for taking what was rightfully yours (as I thought in my mind) a violent reaction would be natural for some, that is my nature not a psychotic nature. What caused it was delusions thinking everything was free for me.
I asked if you relapsed since coming off meds. Because in your story you relapsed when you came off your meds. But you’ve answered that one fine, thanks 
If you think everything is free for you because you’ve given everyone ESP then that seems fair. But if you think people are acknowledging your gift of ESP in a different way that’s not breaking the law (e.g. stealing, violence or endangering people’s safety) then you still have the “delusions” but without any of the legal repercussions.
But I don’t see anyone arresting me, medicating me and putting me in hospitals or jail because I have delusions. I don’t hear voices, but I’ve silently understood communications from things that most people wouldn’t pay any heed to and it’s made me do strange stuff, just not break the law. But I’m just classed in with all the mentally “healthy”, so that’s why I suggested that division between mentally ill and mentally healthy.
Mental “illness” is a strange classification anyway when it’s sometimes healthy for things like creativity and straying for the norm in general, but that’s another point entirely. I’m not saying paranoia and depression is nice, but it’s potentially very useful. Stop me if I’m offending you, I do get that traumatic experiences can render some people particularly sensitive about certain kinds of talk/suggestion concerning their episodes.
You’ve offended me by thinking you can offend me (not really. )
There is a time when mania will result in some very great things for people, its pretty apparent. If it is working for that person, society will typically accept the illness, however there is a fine line between prolific mania and being detrimental to yourself, there is no predictability and the next day could bring dire consequences. There’s no telling what will happen when your perception of reality is completely skewered as which occurs while being mentally ill.
As I think the basic nature of awareness and existence is already crazy that it’s normal for material universe and creatures including humans to be crazy.
So, I don’t worry if someone is diagnosed clinically insane.
It just means (to me) the person is insane in slightly different way compared to majority of people.
Once I rented some rooms in my house, and I lived with (probably) typical paranoia-schizo person for about a year. He thought I was a secret government agent watching him.
When he started to talk his story in his episode of crisis, I played the role he talked about, and somehow it seemed the acceptance/acting disturbed (or at least confused) him a bit.
Maybe he was expecting other people to deny his story (to keep the integrity of his story line that no-one understand/believe him).
Maybe everyone is trying to maintain and protect some strange story line (to cope with something, to dream about something, etc) without knowing, to different degree.