I’ve given this some thought, and would like your views on this.
Using a toaster on the International Space Station… really bad idea. Why? Toasters produce crumbs everywhere, and in space, they will float, bringing you, clogging the instruments and air filters. Death is soon to follow.
But what there was a way to safely make it, and eat it under controlled circumstances?
Too good to be true, right? What if I told you, science supported my position? That is a authority too big to ignore now, isn’t it?
Quite simply, you need to open a hole in the side of the ISS where the toast is being made… the vacuum will naturally attract all the crumbs floating in the air, both while it is made and while you eat it.
“But it’s against the rules, infact the very first rules of things to do on the ISS” you say? What if I told you there was a logical loophole around the “No Putting Holes Into the Walls of the Habitat Modules”?
Simply put, after watching Apollo 13 years ago, and letting it sit in my head for several years, mixing with all my brain juices, I came up with a realization that will finally allow you to safely introduce a vacuum on board so you can eat your toast.
In the bathroom, there is a toilet. You poop into it, and it is sealed, and then your poo is jettisoned into space, till it lands on a distant planet, thaws out and spawns new life. Its how life began on Earth even.
All you need to do, it put your toaster near a toilet, and jam something long,hard and metallic in the toilet, and close it hard. The top seal will be left open, as the space size opens. Make sure most of the length of the metal is on your side, you’ll need it for step two, and of course, for safety considerations. I’m always safety first.
Once the toast is done cooking, picking it up and eating it will spread crumbs farther than the little slit into space can compensate for, so you’ll need to use that extra portion of handle as leverage, pry the top lid open while keeping the bottom open, stick your head into the toilet bowl, and eat your toast. I promise you, nobody will notice any crumbs floating around, in fact, it will be as if nobody is even around to complain anymore.
Afterwards, you can seal it up, as it is designed to be, with no permanent hole in the space station.
Genius solutions for genius people, that is what I am all about. No need to forego the luxury of toast anymore, so on the next Soyuze mission, make sure you order some toast, bread, butter, butterknife… and most importantly, a toasterso off of Amazon.com, and if Houston asks what is up with your order, tell them to go mind their own business and quit snopping in your mail, tour a professional astronaut, and have a control over your situation, so back off already.
Brought to you by the “Ilovephilosophy Science for a Better Life Foundation”.