Yeah that’s right. You’re a horrible person; the worst in fact. Worse than the worst child molester, murderer or rapist. In fact, you are such a horrible person that murderers, rapists and child molesters are performing a global public service by raping, murdering and molesting you and your children. The ‘snipers’ picking you off one by one are saviours, the gangs savagely stabbing and beating you and your grandmother, and the individuals breaking into your houses and stealing your possessions are merely reacting to your miserable existence, and are simply trying to extract some measure of equalization. After all, you’ve left us no choice.
You may start to question what I’ve said here. “How can I be that evil? What could I possibly be doing that warrants such actions? I love my friends, I love my family, and I love cheering for my sports team that is the best in the league.”
TEEEEEEAAAAAMIST! HORRIBLE TEAMIST! BLASPHEMY! SACRILIGE! HERETIC! WITCH! You should lose your job, you should lose your livelihood, you should lose your children, you need to be sent for ‘re-education’ and forever you should give us as much money as we demand. And you should be thankful we are only raping your children and not killing them, er…wait…ya.
And I know what you will say. "But my team is number one in the division. My team just won the pennet. My team has the best stadium, our trainers are the best, our fans have donated the most money to local charities, we have developed local children’s programs to give them skills and keep them away from drugs. Our team raised enough money and support to clean up the city and build new roads to the training facility. Our team lead the charge in instituting new rules across the league to reduce the number of injuries and our team has the fewest players on the disabled roster. Our team invented the game, some of our team members were instrumental in developing the newest and best equipment, in fact, the only reason the other teams have any equipment is because our team gave it to them.
Wrong. Your team shamelessly thinks only of itself. Your team only helps your city and nobody elses. Your trainers only train your team and not ours. In fact, you sabotage the other teams to make yourselves look good. You aren’t the best, no team is better than any other, you’re just horrible people. You didn’t invent anything, you really just stole your ideas from the other teams. We’re onto you. We know that you’re really passing huge amounts of money to the referees to make calls in your favour, actually, you’re paying the referees to stand behind us while you body check us so they can trip us. We know that when you score, it isn’t because you trained well and played well, we know that really the puck and goal camera are biased in your favour and the puck wants to go into the other team’s goal so it really doesn’t count. When we score we have done so against all the odds your team is stacking against us. In reality, the goal moves towards the ball to make you score! You’re even rigging the game when you’re the visiting team! Your team didn’t help change the rules to make things safer for all teams, you just wanted to make yourself look good because the old rules were unsafe. It doesn’t matter that the old rules were how the game was played for thousands of seasons, you just said you created the game so you’re responsible. But just for the record, you didn’t create the game, you stole it.
“But we are ranked #1 in scoring, defending, blocking, skating, singing and basket weaving. We are 72 and 4. We took the most trophies. We have the most MVPs in the league.”
Wrong again. Your team used steroids to give itself an unfair advantage. And I just know you’re going to say “steroids are illegal across the league, our team FORCED the league to make them illegal”, but we all know you are secretly using the new super steroids that can’t be detected. We know that the league officials are really sending you the steroids and that the league doctors are rigging your testing results, and making up fake results for the rest of us to make us look bad. Oh, and your awards, HA! You only got them because your team has always got them, and the trophy company doesn’t want to have to engrave new name plates. Actually, the trophy company is owned by the father of your goaltender, so he told the league that he will only make trophies for your team.
Just stop talking. STOP IT! You’re triggering me with your horrible lies! All teams are as good as other teams, the scoreboard is just a Teamist like you! It doesn’t matter that two of our former teammates are now the scorekeepers. You have brainwashed them, er… they also played for your team and therefore aren’t truly our former teammates. Ya, that one.
So, I hope it is clear to you now. You’re a horrible teamist, er racist, er speciesist, er misogynist, er Cheetoist er…wait a minute, who are you again? Nevermind, it doesn’t matter, rest assured that you deserve everything you get…er… except the good things. Your jersey tells me all I need to know, but our jersey tells you nothing. Now give me your shin guards.
(Yes, I realize I used incorrect terminology and mixed terminology from different sports, this was on purpose. Think about it.)