Philosophical Jokes

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Philosophical Jokes

Postby cheegster » Wed Dec 29, 2010 12:44 pm

Post all the philosophical jokes you know here. I expect most of them to be shit but post them anyway.

Did you hear that George Berkeley died? His girlfriend stopped seeing him.
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby jonquil » Wed Dec 29, 2010 4:43 pm

I can't think of any philosophical jokes, said Descartes, and disappeared.
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby jonquil » Wed Dec 29, 2010 4:45 pm

How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to observe how the lightbulb symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of Cosmic Nothingness.

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on how you define 'change'.

How many monists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be silly, there is only ONE monist...
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby jonquil » Wed Dec 29, 2010 4:48 pm

How many Nietzscheans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, we can just wait until next time round when the lightbulb emits light again.
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby Mr Reasonable » Thu Dec 30, 2010 6:46 am

Sartre is sitting in a coffeeshop, and the waitress approaches him and asks for his order.

He says, I'll have a coffee w/ no cream.

She comes back and says, I'm sorry, we're out of cream, would you like one w/ no milk?
You see...a pimp's love is very different from that of a square.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down they want some too.

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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby Only_Humean » Wed Jan 05, 2011 12:53 pm

Two philosophers sitting in the garden on a glorious summer's day. One turns to the other and asks
"Have you read Marx?"
The other one replies
"I have, they must be from these wicker chairs."

Why do anarchists only drink herbal tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby cheegster » Wed Jan 05, 2011 2:29 pm

Only_Humean wrote:Two philosophers sitting in the garden on a glorious summer's day. One turns to the other and asks
"Have you read Marx?"
The other one replies
"I have, they must be from these wicker chairs."

Why do anarchists only drink herbal tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.

They are so, so, so bad. But half enjoyable.
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby MagsJ » Thu Aug 09, 2012 11:18 am

More scientific than philosophical, but not worth starting a whole new thread for...

Argon and Helium walk into a bar,
a horse with a long face punches Argon.
The Barman reaches for a shotgun,
but Helium says, "hey don't worry, he won't react"...
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby volchok » Fri Aug 10, 2012 2:27 am

jonquil wrote:How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on how you define 'change'.



That reminded me of:

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb REALLY has to want to change.
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby MagsJ » Sat Aug 11, 2012 3:32 am

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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby MagsJ » Sat Aug 11, 2012 3:40 am

A political one...

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...but the reply was actually by a 'Colm Quinn' but that doesn't make it any the less amusing :)
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby Ierrellus » Thu Aug 23, 2012 3:19 pm

Thales was all wet.
Explain yourself clearly? Kant can't. His cant is unclear.
"We must love one another or die." W.H.Auden
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby melonkali » Wed Sep 19, 2012 6:25 pm

Is it OK to post a philosophy joke video, just in case someone here hasn't seen the old Youtube clown philosopher (who appears in a series of videos that are usually set up as 2-party debates between an atheist and a Christian). In the first vid the clown philosopher subs for the Christian and takes on the atheist, in the second, he takes on the Christian.

If this is not the appropriate thread for the clown philosopher, please delete with my apologies. But you really got to love this "philosopher"!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4HM-bS4qMk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYxKYpZwInc

P.S. Grab either clown diatribe for your philosophy of religion class and you'll probably get a good grade. I did. Yes, as shocking as this seems, I really did pass philosophy classes, in grad school, yet! Terrifying thought isn't it? Especially for you smart guys who sat near me struggling for grades, although you REALLY understood the stuff, while I was ace-ing the class not grasping diddly squat.

For any others in need, I share the secrets of my pseudo-success: 1) Overkill. Term papers whose bibliography was longer than the entire papers of most other students. And, shhhh, it was all secondary sources. Like I ever read Principia Mathematica? Yeah, right. 2) Superlative spelling and grammar skills when needed. 3) Merciful professors who realized I was hopeless but sincere, and/or who NEVER wanted to see me in their classroom again! 4) Memory tricks which got me through most tests -- but ask me anything two days later, and, duh...

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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby barcelonic » Wed Sep 19, 2012 8:00 pm

Q-- If you're rolling down the motorway on a jetski and a wheel comes off, how many pancakes does it take to cover the doghouse?

A-- Purple. Because ice-cream doesn't have bones.
truth and socratic truth // scientists should not believe everything is knowable // i wanna know how all this happened but i know I never can
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby barcelonic » Wed Sep 19, 2012 8:04 pm

melonkali wrote:.


Hey Rebecca check this out and PM me if you like it..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vM5n8jESUEk
(twas shared with me by another ILP member recently) :)
truth and socratic truth // scientists should not believe everything is knowable // i wanna know how all this happened but i know I never can
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby statiktech » Wed Sep 19, 2012 9:29 pm

barcelonic wrote:Q-- If you're rolling down the motorway on a jetski and a wheel comes off, how many pancakes does it take to cover the doghouse?

A-- Purple. Because ice-cream doesn't have bones.


My dad told me a variation of this joke when I was little. The confusion that ensued must have been comical because he refused to explain the "joke" for quite some time. I believe his version went something like this--

"Why doesn't a chicken wire canoe float?
Because ice cream has no bones!"
"Man is the animal that laughs at himself."
—Robert A Heinlein
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby melonkali » Wed Sep 19, 2012 9:50 pm

It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby barcelonic » Thu Sep 20, 2012 2:15 am

statiktech wrote:
barcelonic wrote:Q-- If you're rolling down the motorway on a jetski and a wheel comes off, how many pancakes does it take to cover the doghouse?

A-- Purple. Because ice-cream doesn't have bones.


My dad told me a variation of this joke when I was little. The confusion that ensued must have been comical because he refused to explain the "joke" for quite some time. I believe his version went something like this--

"Why doesn't a chicken wire canoe float?
Because ice cream has no bones!"


Lol i thought it'd be a good one to have people puzzling over on ILP :evilfun:
truth and socratic truth // scientists should not believe everything is knowable // i wanna know how all this happened but i know I never can
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby Stoic Guardian » Thu Sep 20, 2012 2:47 am

This has been said a hundred times but...
In the immortal words of Socrates...

I DRANK WHAT!?
Last edited by Stoic Guardian on Thu Sep 20, 2012 4:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby barcelonic » Thu Sep 20, 2012 3:13 am

Another one everyone would have likely heard before.....

A theoretical physicist is in a bar drinking next to an empty stool, glancing at it every so often. The barman eventually asks him why and he says,
"According to quantum physics, a beautiful, blonde perfect woman could suddenly materialise out of all the many possibilities and form in her macroscopic self right here on this seat beside me and want to go out with me"

The barman says, "There are a few beautiful women in here; why don't you ask one of them if they'd like to go out with you?"

The physicist replies, "Pfft, yea like that'll ever happen!"

:D
truth and socratic truth // scientists should not believe everything is knowable // i wanna know how all this happened but i know I never can
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby iambiguous » Thu Sep 20, 2012 3:28 am

jonquil wrote:How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to observe how the lightbulb symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of Cosmic Nothingness.

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on how you define 'change'.

How many monists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be silly, there is only ONE monist...


To expand on this. From the philosophical humor web page:

http://consc.net/misc/lightbulb.html
He was like a man who wanted to change all; and could not; so burned with his impotence; and had only me, an infinitely small microcosm to convert or detest. John Fowles

Start here: viewtopic.php?f=1&t=176529
Then here: viewtopic.php?f=15&t=185296
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby Ierrellus » Tue Oct 23, 2012 2:48 pm

Sartre and Camus were eating onions. Both agreed that the heart of the onion tasted like a dead God.

"We still get off on rolling the stone up the hill," said Camus.
"We who? said Sartre.
"We must love one another or die." W.H.Auden
I admit I'm an asshole. Now, can we get back to the conversation?
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby Ierrellus » Tue Oct 23, 2012 2:52 pm

Advice to Wile E Coyote--You would do well to stop reading Kierkegaard.
"We must love one another or die." W.H.Auden
I admit I'm an asshole. Now, can we get back to the conversation?
From the mad poet of McKinley Ave.
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby Ierrellus » Tue Oct 23, 2012 2:57 pm

Plato--The ulitimate apple pie lies beyond our cave wall illusion.
Aristotle--Well go get it,I'm hungry.
"We must love one another or die." W.H.Auden
I admit I'm an asshole. Now, can we get back to the conversation?
From the mad poet of McKinley Ave.
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Re: Philosophical Jokes

Postby MagsJ » Thu Nov 15, 2012 11:00 am

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” - Oscar Wilde
Via Tatler magazine...
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