Secrets

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Secrets

Postby A Shieldmaiden » Fri Oct 13, 2017 2:23 am

I had a long time male friend, he is well known.

He would discuss his work with me as I think I must have had a strong influence on him regarding this.

It was not until recently he confided in me his father, who was an alcoholic had sexually abused him when he was a teenager. He specifically told me I was the only one privy to this information and he trusted me not to divulge it to anyone. Now at this point I must state there were three of us, two males and myself who were friends, but I had a more intimate relationship with the man this story is about.

One night I was out with the other male and over drinks the conversation led to the subject of abuse. I inadvertently blurted out the information I was told was so secret, it was almost 'sacrosanct', referring to the man as an example of what we were discussing. To my horror I realised what I had said and to my horror again this man was gobsmacked by it. I tried to retract it by saying I was not certain, etc but it was too late, he latched onto it like a terrier.

I had inadvertently betrayed my best friend.

Of course the other male contacted my now defunct best friend with a barrage of questions and asking why he was not told.

In turn my friend asked me why I had betrayed him.

Nothing I could say could mend the rift, it was truly an innocent mistake, even now writing this I am still aware of the disastrous ramifications 'my betrayal' had on all three of us.

Secrets and why we keep them......
The man that walks his own road, walks alone

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Re: Secrets

Postby surreptitious75 » Fri Oct 13, 2017 9:12 pm

I think it is quite brave of you to reveal this to us but I also wonder if by doing so you are
once again violating the trust your friend had for you when you first revealed their awful
secret. And I am not being judgemental here just interested in what you think about this
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Re: Secrets

Postby Pandora » Fri Oct 13, 2017 10:05 pm

I think your friend is blaming himself too, for telling you. Some burdens are one's own to carry, and it would have been out of weakness to divulge such information; likely in a desire to unburden, or share the burden. Did he expect you to know what its like and really understand? What exactly was he trying to gain by this? The same question is to you, what were you trying to accomplish? Maybe a selfish impulse came out of you. In your idealized version, were you going to have some kind of three-some bonding therapy session?
But all-in-all, he's the one who took that risk, opened the box, so to speak, and now has to deal with consequences. In other words, he brought it on himself. I don't mean this in a judgemental way, in case you interpret it that way, just in a cause-effect way. And I think he knows it, too. Who knows, maybe subconsciously, that's what he wants, but is too afraid of perceived stigma. After all, he did tell his 'secret'
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Re: Secrets

Postby A Shieldmaiden » Fri Oct 13, 2017 11:25 pm

To S75

I don't believe this is a violation nobody knows who he is. This was genuinely a careless mistake on my part, but I more or less took it for granted the other male knew because of the closeness and longevity of their friendship. I was very wrong and inadvertently proved to him, I suppose you cannot trust anyone.

Pandora

To keep a secret for so many years and then decide to unburden yourself with a person you considered to be someone you can tell anything to and then be betrayed by that person, I mean, even his wife did not know about this. Storing this away for the years he did, perhaps has made it into a monumental event, that was crippling him. I don't know.

What I do know is that it destroyed our friendship.

Perhaps there is a legitimate place for secrets.

There are some things that should be kept to yourself.

An afterthought.

I am not going to beat myself up over this. Shit happens.
The man that walks his own road, walks alone

Old Norse Proverb
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Re: Secrets

Postby derleydoo » Sat Oct 14, 2017 12:52 am

I think your friend is blaming himself too, for telling you.

Bingo.

A secret is something of which you, and you alone, are aware.

The moment you share that knowledge with another living soul - it is no longer a secret.

A personal view, but I reckon your friend is admonishing you for his folly.
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Re: Secrets

Postby pilgrim-seeker_tom » Sat Oct 14, 2017 1:27 am

Secrets ... regardless how innocuous ... sap our life energy.

Secrets are a self defense mechanism that prevent us from getting on with our life's journey.

All life experiences ... the good ... the bad ... and the ugly ... are bestowed upon us to help us discover ... and execute ... our life's purpose.
"Do not be influenced by the importance of the writer, and whether his learning be great or small; but let the love of pure truth draw you to read. Do not inquire, “Who said this?” but pay attention to what is said”

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Re: Secrets

Postby demoralized » Sat Oct 14, 2017 1:37 am

i wish i had words of wisdom to give

where begins getting past the hurt? well intentioned answers are obvious, yet cause more hurt
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Re: Secrets

Postby Meno_ » Sat Oct 14, 2017 4:41 pm

Sounds like Your friend is a very sensitive man. The more sensitivity is involved in violations of trust, the more difficult it is to repair the drift. But here is the clincher, the trust he has violated of his own secrecy may be a metaphoric twist of his own father violating him. Once he.sees this, his sensitivity may cool down a bit.
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Re: Secrets

Postby A Shieldmaiden » Sun Oct 15, 2017 6:09 am

Meno, you are close. Quite an insightful post.
The man that walks his own road, walks alone

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Re: Secrets

Postby Mr Reasonable » Sun Oct 15, 2017 8:53 am

Once a person decides to tell another person something that only they know, then it's not a secret anymore. If you don't want someone to know something, or for others to know it, then don't tell anyone. Sounds like your friend is the one who messed up. Not trying to sound harsh, but there's plenty of things I know that only I know, and that no one else will ever know. If I tell those things to someone and it turns out to be damaging to me then I have only myself to blame.
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Re: Secrets

Postby A Shieldmaiden » Mon Oct 16, 2017 12:10 am

I agree Mr R, my sentiments also.

Usually the keeping of a secret demands self discipline and taking sole responsibility.

My mistake was one drink too many, what comes to mind "loose lips sink ships" and the consequences thereof.

Nevertheless I regret my lack of caution, which I tried to convey to him. He was unforgiving. I can live with that.
The man that walks his own road, walks alone

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Re: Secrets

Postby Fixed Cross » Wed Oct 18, 2017 2:20 pm

That all means that the trust of friendship is impossible. I carry many secrets friends have told me, and I never tell them. I just like that they trust me. I like to be in the know regarding many things, and I know that not revealing things is essential in getting there. I share a lot of things that look like secrets, these are just masks.

You could have set the story in a fictive context, for example. Getting it for your chest but not revealing the guys actual secret.

Im just giving some counterweight. I don't believe that telling a friend a secret means you're necessarily asking for that secret to be revealed to others. On the other hand, anyone who tells a friend of the fair sex a secret risks a lot. Women aren't usually trusted with mens secrets unless it is in their vital interest to keep that secret. Secrets are power. Sharing secrets is satisfying that power. But its mainly power to destroy. Which is the most drug-like power.

Dont blame yourself. Blame the intoxication of the secret in combination with the alcohol.
I am responding a bit mockingly also in terms of your earlier claim of not using or respecting drugs, but still using the most violently brain damaging drug known to man - and betraying a friends trust on it... I realize you willingly set yourself up to be criticized here, so I take it you won't scorn some honesty.

A secret is a secret. Can you keep a secret? Is one of the oldest phrases known to man. Its an honour being extended. Sure, we all betray honour sometimes. But lets not pretend that that is a good thing, much less that someone giving us honour is to blame for us dishonouring that gift.

Which I think you don't. You're fine with his anger, which is cool. The lesson you may get out of this is that alcohol is known as a hard drug for a good reason. Not just because it kills more people per weight than bullets. Largely it is because it makes things seem easy and unimportant, it rids the world of its values, it helps us to forget. Psychedelic drugs help us remember, and enhance the pleasure in trust, the respect for what wants to remain hidden...

Nature likes to hide
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The strong do what they can, the weak accept what they must.
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