A relapse

[WW_III_ANGRY]

For the first time in 15 years I have felt symptoms of hypomania. I have been medication free for that time. What caused this was stress, at home and at the job, at the same time. It was a long time since I felt it, in my early 20's.
In my early 20's I was diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder, Bipolar II with psychosis.

It was a few weeks ago when I felt some of those symptoms again. I suppose I have been mildly depressed for a few months prior but one day my life came crashing down on my head. I have relatively coasted through life for the past 15 years, which is likely contributed to why I haven't experienced any symptoms for so long.

My mother had the same issue, in times of high stress for her, she would descend into hallucinations and delirium. I caught the hypomania early though, and I caught the mood swing early. I have been very introspective in my life and in tuned with what it is I think and feel, it has taken a lot of reflection. But I was scared when I felt the hypomania. I know what it could lead to, I just didn't know how soon it could lead to it. Depression was inevitable, psychosis was on the horizon, how soon would it be til I descended once again into madness? I don't know, so I called for help. Yes, it's not easy to want to get help for the onset of mania, after all, it feels great. The release of endorphines, the creativity, the motivation, the intellectual juices flowing to write. Why would anyone want to get rid of that feeling? Someone who knows how dangerous it is, of course.

I went back on abilify just over a week ago, taking a very lose dose of 2 mg. I'm trying to see if this can fix it, but sometimes I experience low grade hypomania still. I will not take pills the rest of my life, my goal is to stabilize my chemical imbalance and get off entirely. Hopefully it will be soon, but the doctor I saw for this is saying 6 months minimum. I'm saying, no way is that going to happen. They'll keep you on it forever if it were up to them. I hope to be done in a month. I'll keep you posted.

[WendyDarling]

To have such a serious diagnosis and survive without meds for 15 years is very fortunate.

It takes courage to ask for help when your mental health deteriorates, many people suffer unnecessarily due to their denial that they even have such a stigmatized affliction.

So it's more difficult for you to identify severe depression than the rising hypomania? I know it is in my case of Bipolar 1.

Depression seems more insidious in its slow accumulating affects so that many folks just live their lives mildly to moderately depressed without any insight into their conditions, then the upswing of mania appears as obvious in its suddenly happy effects and flurry of energetic activity against the somber depressive background of normal life.

[WW_III_ANGRY]

To have such a serious diagnosis and survive without meds for 15 years is very fortunate.

It takes courage to ask for help when your mental health deteriorates, many people suffer unnecessarily due to their denial that they even have such a stigmatized affliction.

So it's more difficult for you to identify severe depression than the rising hypomania? I know it is in my case of Bipolar 1.

Depression seems more insidious in its slow accumulating affects so that many folks just live their lives mildly to moderately depressed without any insight into their conditions, then the upswing of mania appears as obvious in its suddenly happy effects and flurry of energetic activity against the somber depressive background of normal life.

I have been very fortunate and I wouldn't say I seek health out of courage, but out of fear.

It is certainly very difficult to identify depression, I don't think I experienced severe depression until one day, I experienced the threat of divorce. I was pretty much immediately suicidal. Not sure how much of that was normal to be suicidal or not considering it would mean the loss of my family and everything I hold dear, and how much of that was because of depression prior to that, which I'm unaware of. I don't know if I was depressed before that. I can't tell. Its something I'm trying to figure out and that is frustrating. Anyway, the next day I found hope for our marriage and family and then started getting mood swings and experienced hypomania. With that, I knew what I experienced the day previously was worse than normal and that day was not normal either, so it was obvious, it hit me then that I had symptoms. Now, I'm a little more manic. I wrote a nice piece that you read earlier that has gotten quite a bit of likes and compliments on Dan Rather's facebook page, and all those comments contributed to another mild hypomanic episode. It's like, I can't feel any rewards with it going overboard. Then, my wife went out with 2 friends tonight, as planned, and it got worse. I don't know why. Yes, I'm a little concerned of course, but I didn't mood swing to depression, I just got more manic. So now I'm seeking out more rewards, because it feels good. Its like a drug. A lunatic high. All I need is something mildly good to happen, and it feels like I'm on drugs. It's ridiculous. Seriously.

[A Shieldmaiden]

Take your meds for as long as it takes. Your lifetime if necessary.

People take meds for various conditions, there is no shame in that.

Read your book to remind yourself of what you went through. It was rough, to say the least.

You are an exceptionally strong man.

[encode_decode]

Diagnosis

It takes courage to ask for help when your mental health deteriorates, many people suffer unnecessarily due to their denial that they even have such a stigmatized affliction.

I agree.

I take 150mg of Venlafaxine soon after waking. My Psychiatrist just started me on 1mg of Risperidone in the evening. I woke up this morning and I have to say that is probably the best night sleep I have had for a while. My diagnosis is yet to be determined but I went through this 20 years ago, 10 years ago and 7 years ago. It started up again nearly two years ago but I only sought help 4 months ago - that is when I started the Venlafaxine again. I remember 10 years ago I felt like a guinea pig - the doctors tried so many medicines with me and I spent two months in a mental ward - my doctors were unable to make a clear diagnosis then too.

With no clear diagnosis and some relief from my medicine, I still understand what it is like to suffer mental health issues.

I'll keep you posted.

I for one appreciate that. I'll keep my eye on this thread. I hope things work out the way you want them to WW_III_ANGRY.

[gib]

Yes, it's not easy to want to get help for the onset of mania, after all, it feels great. The release of endorphines, the creativity, the motivation, the intellectual juices flowing to write. Why would anyone want to get rid of that feeling? Someone who knows how dangerous it is, of course.

^ That is an incredible show of self-awareness and self-control. Very impressive.

I also wholeheartedly support your decision to get off the drugs as soon as you can. Given that you seem to have an acute awareness of when you need to be on them, I would agree that you don't need to be on them beyond what you personally deem necessary. Life isn't supposed to be a breeze, we're not supposed to coast through life as constantly well-adjusted healthy-minded beings--we're supposed to be challenged, we're supposed to undergo trial and hardship; we don't want it to become self-destructive, so by all means take the meds when you feel you need to, but in all other cases, dive right into the challenges and the adversity, exercise your will and grow from it.

[Pandora]

Define "high stress".

[WendyDarling]

To have such a serious diagnosis and survive without meds for 15 years is very fortunate.

It takes courage to ask for help when your mental health deteriorates, many people suffer unnecessarily due to their denial that they even have such a stigmatized affliction.

So it's more difficult for you to identify severe depression than the rising hypomania? I know it is in my case of Bipolar 1.

Depression seems more insidious in its slow accumulating affects so that many folks just live their lives mildly to moderately depressed without any insight into their conditions, then the upswing of mania appears as obvious in its suddenly happy effects and flurry of energetic activity against the somber depressive background of normal life.

I have been very fortunate and I wouldn't say I seek health out of courage, but out of fear.

It is certainly very difficult to identify depression, I don't think I experienced severe depression until one day, I experienced the threat of divorce. I was pretty much immediately suicidal. Not sure how much of that was normal to be suicidal or not considering it would mean the loss of my family and everything I hold dear, and how much of that was because of depression prior to that, which I'm unaware of. I don't know if I was depressed before that. I can't tell. Its something I'm trying to figure out and that is frustrating. Anyway, the next day I found hope for our marriage and family and then started getting mood swings and experienced hypomania. With that, I knew what I experienced the day previously was worse than normal and that day was not normal either, so it was obvious, it hit me then that I had symptoms. Now, I'm a little more manic. I wrote a nice piece that you read earlier that has gotten quite a bit of likes and compliments on Dan Rather's facebook page, and all those comments contributed to another mild hypomanic episode. It's like, I can't feel any rewards with it going overboard. Then, my wife went out with 2 friends tonight, as planned, and it got worse. I don't know why. Yes, I'm a little concerned of course, but I didn't mood swing to depression, I just got more manic. So now I'm seeking out more rewards, because it feels good. Its like a drug. A lunatic high. All I need is something mildly good to happen, and it feels like I'm on drugs. It's ridiculous. Seriously.

Depression is so tricky, like I already wrote that many afflicted people live in mild to moderate depressive states as their normal. You did swing from "normal" (whatever that means to you) to completely suicidally depressed. I'm curious, did you notice your temper getting shorter over the last few months? Irritability is a good indicator of unchecked and excessive depression. I always start snapping at everyone...everyone and everything becomes annoying, way more than usual and I feel like a biotch on a rampage.

[fuse]

Seriously, WWIII, it's huge to have the self-awareness to anticipate mental/behavioral patterns and be able to seek help. May your better sense prevail and your reaching out to others ground you. I wish you the best.

Talking things out and reflecting on life with a few close friends has been an invaluable form of counseling for me. It's like with certain people I remember who I am, or who I want to be, even when nothing else makes sense.

[WW_III_ANGRY]

Take your meds for as long as it takes. Your lifetime if necessary.

People take meds for various conditions, there is no shame in that.

Read your book to remind yourself of what you went through. It was rough, to say the least.

You are an exceptionally strong man.

Flattery will only worsen my mania

[WW_III_ANGRY]

Define "high stress".

The worst Moments in life that occur maybe 4 to 5 times in a lifetime that are lifechanging, life threatening,

[WW_III_ANGRY]

Depression is so tricky, like I already wrote that many afflicted people live in mild to moderate depressive states as their normal. You did swing from "normal" (whatever that means to you) to completely suicidally depressed. I'm curious, did you notice your temper getting shorter over the last few months? Irritability is a good indicator of unchecked and excessive depression. I always start snapping at everyone...everyone and everything becomes annoying, way more than usual and I feel like a biotch on a rampage.

Yes I was probably more irritable over the past few months, due to stress though. I wouldn't say it was due to depression - although I could be wrong. I may have been midly depressed, but I don't consider that to be abnormal when going through tough times. I consider mood swings, severe unwarranted depression and mania to be abnormal

[WW_III_ANGRY]

Seriously, WWIII, it's huge to have the self-awareness to anticipate mental/behavioral patterns and be able to seek help. May your better sense prevail and your reaching out to others ground you. I wish you the best.

Talking things out and reflecting on life with a few close friends has been an invaluable form of counseling for me. It's like with certain people I remember who I am, or who I want to be, even when nothing else makes sense.

Thank you sir what is your experience with these issues?

[fuse]

Just personal demons of different nature, for which the greatest remedy has been to face the challenges in my life directly and immediately and to not give up on important relationships with close friends.

[A Shieldmaiden]

A Shieldmaiden wrote:
Take your meds for as long as it takes. Your lifetime if necessary.

People take meds for various conditions, there is no shame in that.

Read your book to remind yourself of what you went through. It was rough, to say the least.

You are an exceptionally strong man.


Angry wrote:
Flattery will only worsen my mania

It wasn't meant to be, more a reminder that your persistence in holding onto reality got you through that first episode and it was harrowing for you.
Whether you choose to medicate or not, the condition is still there like a tiger in the trees.
You have family now and your situation is different, you are patently aware of your symptoms and you are patently aware that it is really up to you which direction you choose to go, in this instance.

[Innovice]

My two cents:

Medication exists, and the idea is that the medication serves a purpose. I would like to think, that if I were in your shoes, if the medication served the purpose, that I would take the medication. If the medication does not serve the purpose, then I would not take the medication.

A genuinely honest evaluation of "Does the medication help?" or "Does the medication serve its intent?" is the goal. Some medications take time, while others are supposed to have more immediate effects.

The question of "How much time do I give the pill?"... .a tough one.

[WendyDarling]

My two cents:

Medication exists, and the idea is that the medication serves a purpose. I would like to think, that if I were in your shoes, if the medication served the purpose, that I would take the medication. If the medication does not serve the purpose, then I would not take the medication.

A genuinely honest evaluation of "Does the medication help?" or "Does the medication serve its intent?" is the goal. Some medications take time, while others are supposed to have more immediate effects.

The question of "How much time do I give the pill?"... .a tough one.