My diary.

The origins of the imperative, "know thyself", are lost in the sands of time, but the age-old examination of human consciousness continues here.

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My diary.

Postby Ultimate Philosophy 1001 » Mon Sep 12, 2016 2:16 pm

Upon awakening, I realized that I am in fact a genius, and the greater philosopher that ever lived. By genius, I don't mean I am the greatest mathematician who ever lived, Ecmandu could beat me at that department. By genius I mean that during times, I have the greatest disconnect to my body. But my attachement to my body is solidified by my 2 greatest fears - Hell, or Eternal Recurrence. Those are the two things preventing my suicide. By leaving my body, I fear that either I, or the world, will go to Hell. The world might go to hell without my saving it. And the other fear is Eternal Reccurrence. Namely that my life feels so tangible, that how could it not repeat again and again? Upon death would I really go into a life or world without Super Mario Brothers, America, and India? Upon death I fear that I will have to relive and resuffer all of my previous torments. Precisely, women. Women have been making me sick to my stomach lately. I feel more and more attracted to males, both physically and romantically. The type of males I am attracted to are either really muscular handsome males or effeminate androgynous pretty males. I am not attracted to average dudes that you would see online. And when I imagine the muscular handsome males I am always more slender and weaker than them and I can't say no to them because they can physically push me around. And I like their down to earth personality and the fact that you can always count on them. But enough of that I will tell you why women make me so physically ill and list the most recent 10 women in my life.

1. The Woman I love but, can't physically see for 3 years.

2. Woman I have known for two years, told me she loves me, and who I know is physically attracted to me (since we fooled around last year), who visited me two nights ago, and said she would meet me yesterday, but never called or returned my calls.

3. Woman I have known for more than a year, who told me she loves me, yet wouldn't kiss me on the lips on our date, totally making me feel like a fool and unwanted, despite her diary saying she fantasized about us making out.

4. Woman who on our first date, let me hump her and talk to her romantically but not kiss her on the lips. Waited for many months for her to ask me out, then got frustrated with her for not giving me any attention. Then she gives a speech about how she is upset with me for being pushy and not allowing her to "gravitate" towards me and fall in love, when I gave her 3 months of space and during those months she never started to give me any "gravitation" or attention at all.

5. Girl invites me to IHOP, then changes her mind and cancels the date later that day.

6. Girl I met at the park, seems interested and tells me to "Hit me up", yet always seems to forget who my number belongs to and never makes an effort in setting up any date, and haven't been able to set up any date with her yet.

7. A girl on facebook who seems alright, actually made a few attempts to see me, but lives out of town so haven't been able to see her yet.

8. A girl who is obviously interested in me, because she always dolls herself up when I'm around, but plays hard to get and won't date me because it's against her job's rules.

9. A girl I met at work, who gave me her number and everything, but was so boring to talk to I couldn't be compelled to actually dial it yet.

10. Lesbian who acted interested at first, then suddenly decided that I wasn't worthy of her because I wasn't a female.

Welcome to the wonderful world of the male hell.

Here's a dream I had last night.

Okay so my dream was I was in Church, half-naked covered by a my little pony towel. It was a rather embarrassing feeling, and then one of the teenage boys who used to molest me at church walked up to me and hit on me, asked me on a date. From there, the dream morphed to the Joker putting silly string over everything in Batman's computer cave, and Batman approached him. Joker said "Oh no, I came here in piece old man. I came to help you track down the Penguin..." And then shook his hand, temporarily shocking Batman, then laughing, although Batman could sense that he did, in fact come in peace, since his hand-shocker settings were set only to a mild-stun. The scene changed abruptly back to church, in which I met a couple of gun-fanatics and went to their home, full of guns. They had many hand guns, but only 2 or 3 bullets. I couldn't fit the bullets into the gun, they were the wrong caliber. But I found a golden pistol that had shotgun rounds. But since the gun had no trigger, and I had no idea how to fire it.

My other fear is Nature, the state of slavery and working like a dog your whole life (actually, dog's don't really have to work.) Factory life is not for me.

Welcome to this perpetual, endless hell.
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Re: My diary.

Postby Kriswest » Wed Sep 14, 2016 1:08 am

The females you have met and treated you so, have been mentally or physically abused in similar ways by males or raised by incompetent females that projected their opinions of males on to them. Since you are wounded mentally you might be attracted to similar females and if you go for males, you will go for the same. Pain attracts pain, Happiness attracts happiness for the most part. Find yourself and true happiness then you will become secure and attract like people. No one who is happy with misery will come near you.
I will be bitchy, cranky, sweet, happy, kind, pain in the ass all at random times from now on. I am embracing my mentalpause until further notice. Viva lack of total control!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is not a test,,, this is my life right now. Have a good day and please buckle up for safety reasons,, All those in high chairs, go in the back of the room.
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Re: My diary.

Postby Ultimate Philosophy 1001 » Wed Sep 14, 2016 1:48 am

I see what you are saying, but that is quite the missing piece. In order to unlock the door I need the key, but the key is hidden behind the door.
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Re: My diary.

Postby Kriswest » Wed Sep 14, 2016 10:42 am

Find another key. Pick the lock with persistent will. Habits and behaviors are hard to break so pick it apart one bit at a time.
I will be bitchy, cranky, sweet, happy, kind, pain in the ass all at random times from now on. I am embracing my mentalpause until further notice. Viva lack of total control!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is not a test,,, this is my life right now. Have a good day and please buckle up for safety reasons,, All those in high chairs, go in the back of the room.
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Re: My diary.

Postby Ultimate Philosophy 1001 » Wed Sep 14, 2016 1:27 pm

I think this is a case of Mallicious Advice Mallard. Not in the sense that these particular posts of yours have a malicious intent, in fact logically, they make sense, be happier, = get more friends.

But they seem like you can't really relate to what I am going thru. There have been times where I was happy, and people were still difficult, and I was still alone. People are just, difficult. I tend to attract negative people because those are the few people who can be reasonable, and even they are unreasonable, they are still more reasonable than what I call "normal" people. What I've observed is that people who have no mental illness or negativity in their lives, don't really develop empathy, because they never had that many obstacles and never had the need to try and mind-read to get where they wanted to be. And yeah the girls I mentioned might have treated me like crap, cheated on me, stood me up on dates, friendzoned me etc. but with "normal" people it would probably be even worse, they probably wouldn't even talk to me in the first place.
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