Just to get some details out of the way, so you can follow along with my logic…
I lived a very traumatic life. I was molested multiple times, by different people. I spent the vast majority of my life trying to escape reality, from reading to video games to athletics, anything to distract me from the emotional injuries that I had endured. Due to my circumstances, I was socially and emotionally stunted, a decade or more behind most others my biological age. I couldn’t grasp why the world around me was so unfair.
At one point, I couldn’t endure reality any longer and became psychotic, the trigger was being dumped by my girlfriend of eight years (the only romantic relationship in my life). My breakdown was merely the cumulation of my perception being out of alignment with reality though, my frustration/disappointment/anger/resentment/etc… finally boiling over. The results of my psychosis was a complete withdrawl into fantasy. I felt as if I was superior or advanced; that others were too stupid, conditioned and/or indoctrinated to see that my ideals were “right”. I spent the past eight years living in this delusion.
I was always intelligent, but not so much wise. I tried to rationalize the world around me and follow ideals that I was attracted to, generally it was the polar opposite of how I was treated in life. I couldn’t understand why the world didn’t live up to my ideals and expectations, this disconnect fractured my mind. I looked at others as weak and/or stupid. I lost any semblance of fulfillment or happiness, I was utterly miserable and just going through the motions of a reality that I hated.
Within the past month or so, I began noticing signs of failing health and it forced me to reflect on my life. I was trying to validate my perceptions, in hopes to validate my existence. When facing my demise, I couldn’t delude myself any longer. I looked back with honesty for the first time I can remember and came to a few conclusions.
The first of these, was that I had been living a lie. My perspective was warped by all the traumas I had endured, I was a marrionette, being strung about by cause and effect. My experiences controlled my actions and I created a fantasy in order to delude myself from it. I was being controlled by my emotions, which stemmed from my inability to accept the world around me, because it didn’t align with my own views. Initially, I wanted to deny this, but once I looked objectively the evidence was unmistakenably clear in my memories.I could see how events shaped my views and dictated my responses. I saw my fight or flight manifest, over and over again. The former took the form of withdrawl and the latter took the form of irrational rage when I was forced to deal with reality. Eventually, I discovered that I hadn’t lived life at all and I didn’t desire to spend what time I had left continuing to be a “zombie”. This epiphany force me to change my paradigm. I now view the world as something beyond my control, to be accepted for what it is and what it isn’t. Almost immediately, I felt all of my emotional baggage melt away. I was no longer disappointed or resentful or frustrated, I was actually at peace for the first time ever.
Secondly, I noticed how I afraid I had been. I was petrified of not living up to expectations (be them my own, others or Society’s). I feared being myself… due to judgment, ridicule and stigmatism. I was guarded and closed off, unwilling and unable to be open and honest with others. Personality-wise, I’m very open and honest, so I was constantly battling internally. I wanted to say so much to people over the years, but the grip of fear prevented me from doing so. I have since began to open up and be honest with those around me. I called all my siblings and told them how I felt. I started to write an autobiography and shared it with a co-worker that I trust, as well as annonymously. As I become more and more open, I feel happier and happier. I’m finally being true to myself.
Finally, I was confronted with my insecurities and inadequacies. I had been conditioned to believe that we must strive for success to feel content and/or fulfillment. I have never cared about such things, but I always felt like I had to be better than others in some capacity. I always sought to validate myself through besting others and when I couldn’t, the doubt crept in. I’ve accomplished many things in life… I was more concerned with my achievements than who I actually was as a person… they defined me. I would invalidate others who didn’t have the same experience or knowledge, using it as a way to feel better about myself. I’ve learned that I have purpose in the world, besides accomplishments. I have always been drawn to helping others and mentoring, even during my darkest times, I excelled at it and impacted many people. I have worked with emotionally and behaviorally disabled teens for the past five years, but it wasn’t until I had this change in my views that work didn’t feel like a grind and I actually look forward to each day. I understand that I will never amount to much, according to Society’s standards of success, but I’m fine with that… I have purpose and that fulfills me.
I’m by no means completely where I desire to be, but I’m far more conscious of myself these days. I still battle with my instincts, conditionings and indoctrinations on a daily basis; but I’m aware of them now, giving me the control to actually make my own decisions… our options might be limited, but my actions are no longer controlled by things that happened to me twenty or more years ago.