What is your thoughts on verbal abuse. Are you guilty of it? Have you ever had to deal with it? How serious do you think verbal abuse is?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WOULD EVEN ASK SOMETHING LIKE THAT!!!
I have verbally abused before. HOW can you call me GUILTY!!??!! HUH???
I take your assumption very seriously!!!
Hmph!
I just mean have you ever been verbally abusive to someone?Sorry I didn’t mean to offend.
I know Jess. How are you BTW?
I was trying to illustrate some various aspects of verbal abuse.
Interpretation being a huge aspect. My Grandfather was the nicest most caring guy but he would call me a “worthless louse” and tell me to “go to hell” when I did something he disagreed with. There are varying degrees and what actually is verbal abuse changes based on sensitivity, experience, situation, opinion, etc… of course, I didn’t pay attention to it. Why? Because I was a worthless louse! No, because I didn’t believe it. It was actually kind of funny when he said it. BUT! It did contribute to me feeling worthless because subtle “abuse” was ongoing in my life for a long tme, so underneath I did feel worthless and my actions reflected that in a way, which is why my grandfather said those things. Vicious cycle there. That’s what negative reinforcement does and is a tyoe of verbal abuse. positive reinforcement is needed, I believe.
Dang, I just realized how large a topic this is.
I will shorten. I have been verbally abusive before. It was a learned behavior. I also learned that it hurt people and myself as well. I didn’t realize it was verbal abuse at first, which may often be the case in most instances. It becomes a responsive habit. I thought it was just what one did to tell someone they are wrong. But it doesn’t work. It only hurts, because everyone is different and who is to say what is right or wrong for me or for you, and the only way to really teach someone what you mean is to show them by example of a better way (positive reinforcement), and let the other decide, not degrade them… verbal abuse is a negative and destructive habit…
It is a very serious situation because verbal abuse can be very subtle. Something as simple as negativity can be considered abusive…
My mother used to tell me there were things that I couldn’t do, that I shouldn’t dream of such lofty goals, be “realistic”. That kind of negative support was destructive to my psyche. It contributed to the confusion about myself. It held me back. I didn’t feel that way about it, so I felt alone. It hits hardest when it is someone you look up to and care about and that cares about you.
I am doing a horrible job of summing this up… I’m a little bit all over the place. My first attempt at expressing my feelings on verbal abuse.
Also, those who verbally abuse often feel bad about themselves in some way and what they say often reflects how they feel about themselves. Like I said, it is learned… Projecting that on another helps them feel better about themselves by trying to drag someone else where they are. My mother kicked my father out of the house becaus he was more outwardly abusive, like never even there with the family, drunk, or looking at me and others in disgust for some reason. My mom had to raise three boys on her own and was a simple person who felt like she couldn’t manage. That she made wrong choices. Life was very difficult so she felt like it was foolish to hope for too much, hence her telling me to not dream too large… There was nothing wrong with that to her, but there was to me. She did eventually learn to not doubt me as much.
My opinion on the obvious loud, obnoxious, swearing, verbal abuser? Though it may be easier said than done, do not take it to heart, because regardless of whether they mean it or not, you are always better than anything they could possibly trying to express…
Someone here at ILP gave this story of Buddha about a guy who was convinced he new better than the Buddah and was determined to bring him down. He proceeded to verbally abuse the Buddah constantly. Buddah just sat there taking for a while, not responding. Then, Buddah eventually interrupted the guy for moment and asked him: “Suppose you offer someone a gift and that person does not accept the gift? Who does the gift then belong to?” The man replied, “Well, me.” Then Buddah then asks the man, “if you offer me your words and I do not accpet them, who do they belong to?” The man, defeated, simply turned around and walked away.
That was the jist. Hope i was able to offer something new and meaningful…
Thanks.
Thank you, I can relate you very closely. My father is very verbally abusive. My mother tries to work around it. I in turn am just like my father, I have trouble with the way I may talk to people. He just has this way of disgust and sarcasm with everyone! I also dated a guy for two years that was verbaly abusive, I was always afraid it would lead to other abuse, I was stupid and stayed in that realationship until it did lead to pther kinds of abuse. This is why I have brought up the subject.
Thanks for sharing, Jess. It has been years since I realized the abusive behavior pattern, and the more obvious methods fall away first and then you start noticing the more subtle ways of abusing (which usually involve self-abuse being left in the end, at least it has for me). It’s key is to pay attention to how you react to things. Improve your image of yourself. NEVER, EVER let anyone tell you who you are but you. Strangely enough, breaking the habit of treating others that way makes me feel much better about myself, though that is not always easy for me to remember. Bad habits can be unlearned and good habits learned. You know that…
KNOWLEDGE is always key. Continue to feed your head!
Stand up for yourself with smarts and keep yourself safe…
Cheers!
Vulgar is not the word, it’s how you use it. Beauty is not the word, it’s why you choose it. See how it stands apart? At least make an effort to understand the art.
I am interested in talking with someone about verbal abuse.
I read some conversations between Jessica and “understand the art.”
Can I talk with someone about verbal abuse?
Melinda
What do you wanna say about verbal abuse? I mean are you being abused by someone?
Yes, I believe so.
I’ve never experienced such harsh language or reactions from someone.
I am wanting confirmation about what constitutes verbal abuse because my partner has convinced me that I am simply too sensitive.
Melinda
Well… I can try and help… I mean you shouldn’t go to me if you need professional help… but I am here to listen. I mean… if what your partner is saying things that hurt you… it can be abuse. If it hurts you and he tells you that you are too sensative, there is something wrong with that. It doesn’t have to be physical to be abuse and he doesn’t have to be yelling for it to be considered abusive. If you would like you can share some kind of example or situation that others can comment on and share advice with you about. I hope that others that have experienced verbal abuse or other kind of abuse would share as well.
Abuse:
1 : to put to a use other than the one intended: as a : to put to a bad or unfair use b : to put to improper or excessive use
2 a : to inflict physical or emotional mistreatment or injury on (as one’s child) purposely or through negligence or neglect and often on a regular basis b : to engage in sexual activity with (a child under an age specified by statute)
3 : to attack harshly with words
Well, there are a few options. The first is that your partner is insensitive enough not to care about how you feel, and is too selfish to realize how much it hurts you. The second, and more ominous option, is that your partner knows exactly how you feel and is deliberately trying to undermine your self confidence so your partner can have more control over you.
In case of the first one, well, some joint counseling would probably help. Or even just a long conversation when you are both feeling calm an rational. (I am fairly non confrontational, so I found that I feel safest when I have those discussions at night, in total darkness)
The second one, well, that could be a myriad of possibilities. You’re just going to have to determine on your own if the good times outweigh how you feel when he makes you sad. Personally, I think if your partner makes you feel like shit and is unwilling to accept responsibility for it, even if it’s just from words and not fists, that person isn’t worthy to be your partner.
–Kissa
My mom can sometimes be verbally abuse when she is talking about my father. Whenever she gets angry at me, she always comments “you’re just like your father” or “okay, Micheal”. I’ve never known my father, he’s never wanted to see me, even though he married my mom, signed by birth certificate and everything. So, that really hurts me. Natrually, I start verbally abusing her back by telling her to ‘shut up and leave me alone’. I hate it.
I’ve also gotten verbal abuse with bullies and once one of my “teachers” yelled at me accussing me of something I didn’t do, telling me to get over myself and stop acting rebellious, and that I’m never going back to my old school (where I wanted to go back to).
I think that verbal abuse is serious. It can hurt just as much - if not more - then physical abuse. I think that verbal abuse is why so many people commit suicide all the time. Sure, there are other reason why someone would want to die, but I think that verbal abuse coming from bullies and home has a big part to do with suicide.
I agree… verbal abuse is VERY serious and someone doesn’t really know ( or maybe care) how much it affects the person being abused. It really does hurt. Verbal abuse usually comes from someone that is supposed to love you and care for you. The sad truth is if it is someone that you can get out of your life… like a boyfriend or a girlfriend… do it! Verbal abuse CAN lead to other types of abuse. It is harder to deal with if it is your mother or father… Some poeple don’t even realize that they are verbally abused, they may think that being talked to like that is okay. I am truly sorry to hear about your father and your mother. It may be possible to just sit down and tell your mom that what she says hurts. If she is really stubborn ( like my father ) you may need to seek some kind of councling. Again this isn’t professional advice… but I have been through many types of abuse…
I think there is a danger of haveing a term like verbal abuse. It can make it seem like there is some strong threashold that has to be reached before one can protest a damageing behavior. A question like, “Is this verbal abuse?” should not exist. If you don’t like a behavoir, and its doing you harm then you have the right to try to end it. So there is nothing that consist of verbial abuse. No magic words or formulas. No threashold to earn the right to health and happyness.
I see what you mean Lostguy…
You are right there shouldn’t be magic words. or formulas… but these people do need help. When you are in a realtionship, it is hard to differintiate between abuse and being overdramatic. It again shouldn’t be like that…but it is. It is sad that people have trouble knowing if they are being abused or if they should be treated this way. I mean you don’t want to think that your loved one is treating you like that.
There are extremes in both cases. There are people that are overly abusive, and use that as a power play, but there are also those who constantly play the victim and use that as a power play as well. Though I think that if you are asking the question whether something that sincerely hurt you is abuse, then the answer is yes it was, provided it sincerely hurt you. People who fake being abused know who they are.
One should also take into account the difference between intentional and non-intentional abuse. If the person is not aware that he/she is being abusive, it is likely that person might alter their behavior. If they are intentionally being abusive then it is likely that the person will not alter their behavior. As far as the situation that Melinda described though, that sounds like intentional abuse only for the reason that the person in question is hurting Melinda, and when she notifies him of that he tries to turn it around on her and make it sound like it’s her fault. This is a typical behavior of abusers known as “gas lighting”. I know a few women who have been abused before both verbally and physically, and their ex’s all used that same technique to try and control them psychologically. It really works on many women, who fall into that trap. It is a sad thing.
But the differance is entirely within the person. You could have like maybe an Itialianne copule that berate eachother all day long, and yet still have a wonderfull and loveing relationship. Even more extereem you could have a Sub/Dom relationship where the one is saying stuff that would make most people jump off a building, but the other is just getting off on it. At the same time in the strange same universe, you can have a realtionship where one has decided to nickname the other “shorty” and this is causeing worlds of emotional harm.
So really in my opinion its not about absolute right and wrong (in this case) but a matter of compatability. One should try being clear about whats going wrong and hope the other person is good enough to change. But other than that its F U I’m out.
To me thats simply another form, trying to make you belive your evil.
So any way. I think things should go in this order:
- Recive damage from “verbal abuse”.
- Explain this occurance clearly to your partner.
- Partner changes -or- F U I’m out
Notice the complete and utter lack of hemming and hawing over wheater or not one deserves happyness or wheather its real verbal abuse.
I think verbal abuse can be from four different perspectives - Those whom you love and who love you, people at work, elderly and your peers. With people whom you love and who love you it’s a fleeting issue and soon forgotten. With people at work, if they are higher in seniority I don’t think that you can do much except take the abuse or lose your job and so it’s best that either you find a way out so you will not be verbally abused and if you can’t then find another job. With peers you should just give tit for tat whenever the opportunity comes or else you’ll just have to grin and bear it. With the elderly that are also your close family I think verbal abuse if present can be the worst kind because it will always chase you and be with you. That’s what I feel. I also feel that where some elderly know exactly how much their comment hurts, some have virtually no clue. So if you really want to get rid of the problem you need to make them aware of it and if they don’t correct themselves then you know it’s deliberate. That’s the worst kind I know of and it can really hurt.