jerkey wrote:Little league with my grandson
He dotes on m will be find out I am a fraud...
A fraud? over what? or you simply feel a fraud? if so.. why?
Why no confidence in yourself Jerkey? after all you and ILP have been through!
Because Magj, I used to feel I should have more, much more out of life, whereas nowadays I always think I never give enough. The fraud is not specific, it is a sudden repositioning of humility, over false claims. I used to go through this in various modes of anxiety, but now the pain is very much subsided: I can really be unafraid to cut out my drinking, and substitute marijuana pills. I went to a bar once a while ago, and met a guy, whose claim to fame as far as I could see, was that he has been going there since World War Two, when his dad used to own a hardware store there. I asked him if he sees differently things generally, has the place changed etcetera, and I could just imagine what it's like growing up and living a life in the same place for 50
Plus years. I never had more then 10 years in the same watering hole, and to my absolute horror found that that place has turned into a mortuary. At the time I went there, it was a place of shiny brass railings, the latest place to kick memories and indulge into the realm of the fantastic. But 50 years and still there? Kind of gave me the chill of how an environment can possess someone for a lifetime of not being able to dissassociate memories from the existent. My fraud consist in the fear of getting stuck in the past perfect, not realizing that it does have a meaning behind it and a purpose.
The specific fear is groundless, having to do with what my grandson may think of me once he grows up, that I can not in all honesty, sacrifice myself for a cause, for without it, I find it ridiculous, and rather devalue it, and call it, 'without the cause'.
In another life, I may measure up to a revolutionary poet, who was quoted to say, that, : ' I'd rather die young in a battle, than old in the comfort of my