John, born in Alabama, was not like the other boys. He was special, he was different.
He had a horse named Ed. The other boys were mean to him and called them mean names, like “Little John rides the short bus” and “Special Ed”.
But John was not having any of that. He said he was going to think positive no matter what, because this is a bright shining day, the day the Lord has made.
Ed was all he needed to be happy, he didn’t care what the world had to think. Girls at his school would always pick on him, and ask him to visit them. He couldn’t stand it, girls were so annoying and slimy to him. He just wanted to spend time with Ed.
One day at Sunday school he was infuriated. They had a lecture about marriage, and said it was only between a man and a woman. But why not Ed? John wanted to marry Ed.
After many years of this, John became confused. He didn’t know if it was right or wrong to marry Ed. One day, he had a special feeling. His private parts were starting to feel strange, like he had to pee, but could not. All he could think about was Ed.
So he went to the barn, hoping he could find out if Ed could know better. He went in the barn, and got close to Ed, and started to whisper in his ear about it, because he didn’t want anyone to hear the embarassing thing. He became worried, because the more he talked, the more Ed’s body temperature seemed to rise. He started to feel feverish too, and his heart started to beat feverishly. Ed seemed to have the same problem, his private parts seemed swollen and way stiffer than usual too! He was getting worried…his privates were so swollen that it was starting to hurt! He took off his pants for some relief, but they still started to hurt! He was red in the face, but he was more worried about Ed. Ed’s private parts seemed to be twitching uncontrollable, and this scared John. John didt want Ed hurt like this, so he remembered what he learned in Sunday School, “life is like a lollipop, just lick it and the devil goes away.” John didnt want to see Ed’s private parts spasming like this, it reminded hi of some movie like with possessed demons or something. So John gave it a lick, and he like the way it tasted, and it seemed to make Ed happy, so he put the whole thing in his mouth. Eventunally it exploded, like a cream pie. John thought it tasted a little bit saltier than a cream pie, but he liked it anyway, because it made Ed happy.
Eventually, he and Ed would do this icecream thing once a month, sometimes weekly, sometimes every other day, the older John got. John and Ed enjoyed this very much. John and Ed were happy. But eventually, John began to pay attention in school. There was a new show, called My Little Horsie, that everyone talked about. Bullies would make horse jokes. making fun of people who liked horses. This hurt John very much. He went home and cried. The next day it was time for him to go to and he went to sex ed class. They started talking about icky things called vaginas, which he remembered smelled very bad if girls didnt bathe after 2 days. But something hurt him more deeply than thinking about vaginas. Something in that class triggered. He became deeply ashamed and embarassed. He’d had sex with Ed. He’d had sex with, a horse.
That night John went home and mutilated his body. He slit his wrists for five hours, as he cried himself to sleep. When he woke up, his father entered the room. He got a bad vibe. “Son, we need to talk.” John was worried…had his father found out about what he and Ed had done? His father started cryig…“Son…ive got some bad news…Ed…Ed went to heaven…I went to the barn and I just saw hi lyin there…I thought he was sleepin’. Ed passed away peacefully…”
A few weeks later a shotgun blast was heard. Ed and John were now in Heaven.