I've got to tell ya, though... What I go through in the mind makes these internet interactions coupled with real life interactions look like nothing. All of the reasoning of the devil and of evil lays within the mind and it mocks the reasoning of the good to a much more intense level than any of you could even hope to bring it to here. If you think that it was/is/will be you or anyone here who causes me to have these 'breaks' where I just can't keep my anger in check or my tears back or the sadness from creeping in, you would be taking too much credit for yourself/yourselves.
Realistically, I go through pain and suffering on a level that none of you truly know. Every second of every hour of every day is riddled with it in one variety or another. emotional pain, spiritual pain, physical pain, sickness, etc. This is what I took on and this is what I fight. I find some happiness in the world around me regardless, I find some solace, some comfort, I find good people doing good things even if they also do bad things and can be deemed as bad people for those things.
Beyond this life of pain is an entire universe of more pain and beyond that entire realities of pain and suffering, tragedy after tragedy with all of you just so much inconsequential repeats of cycles of darkness where legion is the only number able to count it all; just a word, not an actual figure. Behind my eyes and under the veils of my own self lays a Hell worse than what you think you're going through, by far. It makes your demons and devils and inner Hells seem like nothing in comparison. And, somehow, through that Hell, I managed to find some bit of Heaven for myself and try to teach others the right way to do the same for themselves and reach some true satisfaction in life rather than so many dead end avenues of more pain and suffering along those lines. My life may be a dead end avenue and may be filled with pain and suffering with an eternity to follow after my body dies and my spirit flies, but there is certain satisfaction of knowing the impact that I had on every bit of creation and in a positive manner as much as possible, as truthfully and as genuinely as possible.
You personally, MM, are on the level of mosquito or flea or bed bug compared to what all else bothers me. A single bit of straw on a camels back when it is already carrying too much.
And you're just focusing on the pain of singular moments. I've seen the pain of eternities and entire realities.
I know wars, I've known loss; I've known betrayal and being distanced. I've known being alone without a true friend in the world and I've known traveling through places where everyone wanted to hurt or kill me. I've known the pain of loving deeply and having my heart crushed and stabbed and hardened, softened; being pulled in countless directions.
I've won staring contests with death and the deep abyss which is stated that if you stare too long, begins to stare back. I have faced the worst of demonic entities with the light of love and remained true where you gave in. Your pain is nothing to me.
Look me in the eyes.