The funniest thing is, this problem WAS solved the Christian way. It just verified everything they had tried and failed to teach to people. Ben, you have a lot of serious problems and I’m not the only one saying so.
I have thought for a long time that there was something wrong with me when there wasn’t; and I have literally been held in the insecurities that you pretend at. I don’t mean to put you to shame or to ruin your game. I’m just being me. And you’re going to have to face that fact and the truth about your self that it brings out. Why do you feel the need to act the way you do and think it’s ok? I never thought what I was doing was okay; it didn’t even register on that level until after the fact and I examined it in full. I was just reacting instinctively and letting go of my filters completely and it felt really good to get that pressure off that I’ve been building up inside.
And what you need to realize is that that pressure has been building up inside every single good and loving person in this world, because of spoiled kids who just don’t get it anymore because they weren’t all raised by the hard-knock; don’t think anything bad is truly ever going to happen to them because they can get out of anything, or so they think. I have had to truly question my self after every thing I’ve done. I no longer have to do that.
A good amount of people are under the assumption that you need help, Ben; that you need psychological help. Of course you know you don’t; you’re just fine. But, the fact is that through pretending these things for too long, you’re actually going to be those things and people will deal with you as they should. It is a matter of cause and effect; action and reaction.
I’ve stepped out to the other side of the chaos. I’m a free man. To me, that was worth everything. If you fight for it against your self, you might do the same and feel the same as me and I’m telling you, it’s worth it. The sight is really beautiful. All I’ve ever wanted to do was share it with other people from the minute I first got a decent look at it; shortly after my accidental OD of valium and anti-depressants when I was 20 years old.
In one moment, God revealed to me his master plan and I couldn’t remember a single damn thing of it, but it revealed itself to me over time as I earned it. I didn’t even have solid affirmation of anything; I just didn’t want to be where I was mentally anymore so I began to want to get out of it and fight against it. As I have said: it was truly a fight for my life.
And you, with your ‘games’ added to that. I’m sorry for my reaction, but I can admit that it wasn’t what I wanted to be. I’ve put the hard work in to change that, and I dragged more than a few people along for the ride. You’re making a big deal over nothing. I never had a desire to kill anyone; I just had to get my anger out on people who deserved it full well before I could start showing my love and killing people kindly with that.
As it stands, my love is now more fierce than anyones hatred could ever be; and I aim to prove that, next. Any one of you can join me if you want; but it doesn’t matter. It’s like allowing vampires to live and breathe again after being dead for so long; and to be sustained by real things again. I’m probably going to die a lot sooner than I would have if not for all of the things in my life, but I overcame them all; I hold no hard feelings for it; as any victor should that triumphs over their enemies. I still refused to kill my enemies completely; even the ones inside my own head; for that was not the peace I wanted. I also had to threaten them with killing my self and meaning every word of it for them to calm down.
It’s been a highly metaphysical ride, my friend; and it’s not always just about you.
